Friends

I have lost some, what I thought were, important friends, close to family, in the last couple years. I find myself thinking of the bond we had. I’ve had sisters and even a couple brothers, in my life fall away. I don’t understand a lot of it. It has me with my guard extremely high. I’ve asked God to sharpen my understanding of friendship. I’m asking God to surround me with only appropriate healthy relationships with people who are true. I need positive people in my life. I need honesty and respect.

My children deserve it as well.

Real

The medication has been ordered. It will be shipped to my door.

Wow. Talk about service.

This just got real folks.

I think I’ve said that for every step of this process.

I can’t stand needles. I have never been able to manage it. From the time I was a little girl to the time last week my blood was drawn. But that is why I’m that much more excited to do this for this couple. Every needle that gets jabbed into my fatty muscle means one step closer for my couple to have their dream.

I accidentally Internet searched IVF because I had a question about night time shots.

BAD IDEA FOLKS!!

It overwhelmed me slightly. But at the end of the day God’s got me through this. I don’t need a man for support. I don’t need a huge support of friends. I have a family. I have my “baby mama”. I have the “knowing” this gift is about to be a reality.

I am so ready for this. The shots are only a small part of it. I will make it through the shots and I will be implanted. I will pray all day every day for the baby to grow in my womb.

God knows us even before the womb. So God already knows these babies.

How beautiful is that?

Tata for now! 💜

You’re putting that where?

3.14.19. 830am

I arrive at the doctor’s office early. I try so hard to be on time and early when possible, anywhere I go.

I’m starting the actual process of being a surrogate. We’ve talked, we’ve planned, we’ve discussed. Now it’s time for the real deal. Elbow grease and physical work. They draw my blood first. Not quite sure why. I’m not good at asking questions. I go back into the lobby and wait to be called. I have the worst outfit on for the event. A jumpsuit. The doctor calls me back.

There they are. The stirrups of shame. No one likes the stirrups. But we get hiked up anyway. She says, in my own words of course, use this piece of large papered blanket to cover up your down south lady spot. I said well, this is a one piece, I have court today. She said um I will get you a gown. She brings me a gown that is so unattractive and she laughs about the appearance. Like I’m going to get a hot date while I’m there. Anyway. She leaves me to undress and returns.

She assures me it won’t hurt. She just has to put this doodad in this area. Wwhhooaaaaa

I tell her it’s been a long time since I had sex so hopefully everything goes in well (in my mind I’m thinking, I hope she can get around the cobwebs.) She has a student with her so she’s explaining the process to her. I crack jokes. It’s what I do. We laugh about dating and the pool that’s available. It’s an epedimic.

Anyway.

She “scratches” my uterus, which I later find out is awfully uncomfortable for way longer than expected. She releases a syringe of water to make sure my lining is OK. She says everything looks great and of course I have to joke about putting “pristine uterus” on a dating profile. She’s excited. I’m excited. My couple is excited. I should have an embryo planted by May 1 if all goes well. She leaves the room and I put my clothes back on and leave.

Here we go!! It. Just. Got. Real. 😊

Bebe and Abbie

3.11.19. The babies have been picked out. The embryo surrogate gave two babes. 3bb and 3aa. Future mama has named them Bebe and Abbie. I love her cleverness.

I don’t fully know what this choice means. But I know when an egg and sperm are taken, they join in a dish. They do their thing and poof, an embryo. This occurred 8 times. They grade the embryos. The embryos are frozen.

….. They wait….

Bebe and Abbie are in separate straws. We will only implant one at a time. I pray there is a success the first time but if not, there will be another straw and another process to try again.

I will start my diagnostic testing this week.

Please pray for these embryos to be strong. Please pray for my uterus to be healthy and embrace this beautiful gift.

Thank you all for being part of this journey with me.

Socially tired

Social work. When your clients are family members. All whom are dysfunctional. It’s your job to rehabilitate all of these family members. You have little resources and even smaller amounts of time. And everyone else in your family judges how you do it. You leave your “family” (job) for the day but you really don’t. Your dysfunctional family members are still making choices to hurt themselves and others off your work clock. This is why social workers burn out without careful planning. Having a family of that size and they are all your responsibility. That wears on a social worker.

Crossroads are dangerous when you are tired. Trying to beware and be mindful.

Wifey material or never

I dream of being a wife. I dream of trying my best to please my husband. Never being perfect but being perfectly in love forever with my person. I have a high sex drive. I enjoy turning my man on. I believe in home cooked meals. I’m not a slob.

I was a wife for years. I tried so hard. But I tried so hard with the wrong person and in the wrong mindset. I also was young. I feel I have so much more to offer now. So much more understanding of who I am and what I am supposed to be.

I imagine a marriage that works things out appropriately. I imagine disagreeing and being ok. Raising our children in a healthy environment so they can see what a healthy relationship looks like.

My spouse and I would watch nerd shows about space and history. My spouse would read to me. We would read separately. We would research history. History of life and history of God. We would enjoy small groups together. We would enjoy devotions together joyfully. We would be best friends. We would have our separate time. We would come back together and be so excited to be in each other’s presence again.

We would work on our cars together. We would clean together. We would tag team all the hardships of life. The loneliness would be gone. Cold shoulders would be caused from sitting in a hot tub out in the middle of the cold winter NOT for demeaning purposes.

We would embrace trust in every way. I would not let this outside world come into our safe zone. I would understand my spouses heart and he, mine. We would be able to socially manage life and enjoy our alone time together, also.

We would know we were different but the love we have would overcome all.

And if I don’t ever have the opportunity to be a wife again, I will understand deeper than I ever have before.

Just dating Jesus

Months ago I made a promise. I had felt it for a couple years but I wasn’t strong enough to fulfill just what I had felt in my heart.

I promised God to focus only on Him. It has been a daily struggle as this world does not care about promises. I have found myself fighting off so much but every time I did, I felt God was shining on me and I DO feel God showing me love through this.

I have made a promise to God. No, I’m not a 13 year old girl whose parents have created this promise for my safety. I’m 32. And I have promised to not allow myself to get lost in anything or anyone. I promise to work on my finances and my goals I have set forth for myself. I have promised to abstain from sex and dating(I will be going into details on this at a later time) .

I have been chastised for this but that is just another fight I’m willing to have. That’s how much this means to me. I pray all day every day. I ask God to come into my heart and work on His will.

I had a desire to buy myself a ring. Not to show off anything but as a symbol of my seriousness. I prayed on what to do because like I said, I have been working on my finances and did not want to make the wrong choice. My son and I went to a jewelry store. I asked the attendant if he had a cross ring. He looked at me funny and said he didn’t think so. I felt such a strong pull. I stood there in silence. He stared at me. I stared at him with my sons hand in my hand. I can’t explain it. Then he said wait…. And went behind the counter and dug to the bottom of the cabinet away from all the light and sparkle. He pulled it out. I knew it was the one. He said it was the only one they had and they had had it for a while. I put it on. I had no doubt in my mind. This was a reward. A blessing. I told him I would take it. He asked to put it in a box but I was so proud I said no thank you. I purchased the ring and I’ve worn it ever since.

An accidental side note. My children have witnessed this transformation. They are proud of me. Of course I did not go into any physical details but I did explain to them the importance of (watch out now, this Christian is about to say the cliche phrase) guarding your heart and how God wants us to seek Him so deeply that a spouse will TRULY have to seek Him also to find them. They’ve witnessed too much of my heartbreak and experienced heart break of their own. They’re healing as I heal. They’re growing as I grow.

I will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

God bless you all.