Fail

I come in to work free as a bird. I sit down at my desk and instantly become chained and gagged. I have so many desires for my job. I have so many ideas. None are accepted. The system is broken. The government has an agenda and it isn’t to give the people success.

I KNOW what these clients need. I cannot give it to them. I KNOW what it would take to get these clients the help. I cannot give it to them. I AM sorry clients. I let you down daily.

You yell at me. You curse me. You tell me I don’t care. I care. I promise. I care too much. All I can do is give you the resources I’m allowed and believe me when I tell you this….. I pray for each and every one of you. I pray for your family. I pray for your well being. I pray you accept what help IS offered. I pray that you find your worth. I pray that life works for you. That’s all I can do. I’m sorry I failed you.

Life after sobriety

Isn’t rainbows and unicorn farts.

🦄🌈

I had this idea that all I had to do is get sober. I slipped up a time or two. We all can relapse. But then. Oh my my my. What a beautiful feeling. I am SOBER. I fought off the demon that is substance abuse. What? No victory dance? Well, why not? Ohhhhhh because that was the easy part!!!

Getting sober is only the beginning. Now I must endure a life long struggle. It’s my honor to struggle sober. Don’t get me wrong. But whew. It’s a doozy. No one abuses substances just simply because. We use because it falsely takes the pain away. The pain that goes deeper than any drug or sip of alcohol. I am 10 years clean and still working through my recovery. I took away the mask. I took away my crutch. Here I am. Bare. I scrounge around some days, desperately looking for my coping skills.

I have to remember, “I” am in recovery, not the majority of folks I deal with daily. They don’t know I have achieved so much. They don’t know I have fought passed myself. They don’t know where I stand today, I shouldn’t be standing at all.

I work every day to improve my handling on situations. I lay my head down every single night and am thankful that I will remember it the next day. Some days that has to be enough. Every day IS enough.

When a friendship dies

Nothing lasts forever. Wouldn’t it be nice? Even your thoughts are fleeting. You live life one way then the next moment life all changes. In this life, we are taught to lean on others. We don’t survive easily in solitude. But in solitude there is no pain from loss. Nonetheless, we must stray away from solitude.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New International Version (NIV)

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.


But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.

10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.

When you give your trust to someone, you are giving them a piece of your soul. You are a partner. A friend. A friend takes up a large place in your heart.

Every friend I have made has had a special place in my heart. I have learned so much from each friend that has crossed my path. If you are reading this and you and I have enjoyed a friendship, past or present, thank you. I am who I am because of the things God has allowed me to learn from you.

God made my heart big. I haven’t always been very responsible with this big heart. God gave me a big heart but he also gave me a big brain. I forget to use them both simultaneously at times. This means that I can hurt myself. I can hurt others.

Not every person that crosses your path is meant to be a deep, safe, secure, friend. We are to go to God about every friendship, relationship, acquaintance, we have. Why??

There is wicked in this world. The evil is alive and well and he will use any situation to torture your God-seeking soul. The devil uses what is closest to your heart to deceive you. Mine has always been Fellowship. The closer I am with God, the more the devil uses the people around me. It isn’t fair to those people. It isn’t fair to me. The devil has never been accused of being fair. But the devil smells my genuine love for God and for people. And he devours it all. He devours my thinking. He blinds me. I seek God in every aspect of my life. And I still end up a failure. My God is a beautiful God. He uses my failure and picks me back up. God holds me like I can’t explain. Comfort. In the midst of this turmoil. Pain. Embarrassment. Loss of security. Misunderstanding. Scar tissue. Bewilderment.

Proverbs 27:5-6 New International Version (NIV)

5 Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.

God is pure. God is good. God loves me. I love God.

I will continue to pray for God’s will in my life. I will continue to LOVE. I will continue to ask God to sharpen my senses to inconsistencies and inappropriate surroundings. I will continue to pray for all of my friends. Past and present. I will ask forgiveness for my wrongdoings. I will ask for clarification. I will ask for discernment.

Colossians 3:12-14 New International Version (NIV)

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Amen.

The tough stuff…Part 1

Here I go.

I am 10 years sober from everything. Sober not just from substances. Sober from being lost. Sober from feeling utterly unwanted. Sober from being disgusted in my own skin. Sober from being completely consumed in ick. Sober from decisions that hurt others deeply.

I can’t exactly remember when I started using. I have never been great at remembering my past. I’m not quite sure if it’s the drugs or that I just don’t want to remember. I grew up in a decent home. I grew up with a nasty secret that wasn’t just my own. I learned shame at an early age and I had no one to talk to about it besides a few choice friends that didn’t know how to help me. I lived a double life. During the day, life was normal. There were family struggles but we survived. At night, my life was not my own. I became part of a movie I watched outside of my body. The goodies for bribing were my favorite part about the nights. I didn’t sleep a lot. Several years later, the movie stopped. I can’t remember why? I believe it had something to do with giving my life to Christ. I had such a hard time with friends. I had some great friends but I was so uncomfortable in my own body and mind, it was hard to know how to be a friend; how to be friendly in an appropriate way. I was a late bloomer, too. I didn’t hit 4 feet until 7th grade. I didn’t get boobies until I was probably 17. No guys were interested in me and that was probably a good thing. I wouldn’t have known what to do if they were. I remember all of my friends during this age were all getting boyfriends, making long lasting friendships. I, for some reason, was slipping into a secluded life,surrounded by people, downward spiral. I even made the cheerleading team. I was tiny, they would be crazy not to add me for top-of-the-pyramid purposes. That, still, didn’t help my inward turmoil.

I remember going through several pregnancy scares with my friends. I had never had a boyfriend. It was a strange world for me. They all went on double dates. Sometimes I tagged along, mostly I attached myself to marijuana and alcohol. Again, I don’t remember details of how it all came to be. Then I branched out. I thought it made me feel involved. I learned how to roll joints, blunts, pack a bowl, drink everyone under the table, do the most incredibly stupid things, etc. I was a good business owner. I was cool. I learned that alcohol blocked the dark within me. I was wide open. I didn’t turn down any party favors at this point. Anything was fair game. And when I say anything, I mean everything.

LIFE. WAS. GOOD.

I began going to parties. I began wearing a little bit less. I began getting the attention of fellas. WHOOEEEE this is what it was all about. I had my first boyfriend. Later, I would find out that he had gotten a local gal pregnant while we were together. He chose not to tell me and to not be a part of that baby’s life. He’s now a sex offender locked up somewhere for revocation and he is far from my life (God saves, even when you’re stupid). I began a strange life of lows I never realized until I was out of it. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was. I had a guy that would be interested but you know…..they were never interested enough to take this gal on a date. I had a bad habit of being interested in bad guys. I had ZERO understanding of love.

Fast forward…………I decided I would move out of my parents house at 17. I quit school my senior year because I was having way too much fun to sit in a school desk all day. I disrespected several teachers who genuinely cared about me and my success (making amends hit hard with two specific teachers, S.D and T. R). I lived with several other lost folks. We all were so blind to what life had for us if we would just accept the good and leave the bad. I got so consumed in this life I thought I had to have I didn’t realize that I had dove down a horrible path that would end up leaving plenty dead.

A few friends and I thought Limestone County wasn’t big enough for us and we took off to Nashville, TN. 17 years old, no parental supervision and in a big city.

What could go wrong??

Everything. The answer is EVERYTHING.

You’re not wrong. You’re missing out on LOVE.

Don’t be “one of those Christians” and bash folks who don’t have your beliefs. I love God. He’s my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, my keeper, my daddy. He isn’t yours? Cool. You’re missing out on an unconditional love but you’re still a human being with thoughts and feelings.

We, as this 2018 society, have this idea that if it’s not how we live, it must be wrong.  This isn’t so.  There are so many ways to skin a cat (why is this even a saying, gag).  In my daily life, I have Christian friends. I have friends that don’t believe in anything. I have friends that believe in themselves above everything else. Within all of those categories, everyone believes differently. You can even read the Bible and see differently than someone else.  I believe God knows what he is doing. I believe that God put me on this earth to be his hands and feet and that it isn’t my responsibility to make people believe in God. It’s my responsibility to show everyone love.  If someone I run into doesn’t believe in God, they may just believe in what MY love for God “looks like”.  They will see the goodness in what I (mostly) do.   So instead of bashing you for what isn’t even my business, I will just love ya. Deal?

Galatians 5:22-23

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Judge not?

It’s exhausting to live our lives. You know what is even more exhausting, attempting to live others lives!

Do you ever catch yourself judging another’s life?

Here you are, living your life the best you know how, when you notice someone else is doing their life wrong….ever been in this situation? It’s so hard to focus on your life and every choice you make. It’s even harder to worry about others’ choices.

God knows this about us. Which is why he gives us guidance in several ways.

God asks love of us. He want us to love Him, one another and ourselves. That’s it.

“Jesus chose you to be his friend. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted YOU, in order to bring Him praise.” Romans 15:7

WOW. God accepts me? How I am right now! And all he asks is that we accept others?

Ok. Deal.

“Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us ENCOURAGE one another. “Hebrews 10:24-25

So, instead of worrying about what someone else is doing that we don’t like, we need to focus on encouraging each other in love and good deeds.

God wants us to sharpen each other. (Proverbs 27:17) .

He wants us all to be better, together.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!“Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

We can complain all day about how the other lives. Or we can be thankful that for some reason,they have crossed our paths. They may not be on the same page now, but at one time, even if only for a moment, they were.

“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.” Leviticus 19:18