I second guess most things parents would never think about.
It hurts my soul to do so but without, I feel anxiety.
I question when my children are quiet. I question them going over to others homes. I over analyze their actions and reactions. I live in a prison that was not ever mine to live in.
I pray for God to ease my mind. I pray for God to wash my mind. I stay up in the middle of the night praying for horrible images to be released from my mind.
It’s a life-long sickness. One dealt with mostly in silence.
I do the best I can with my children and I pray they never experience a loss of innocence. I pray I parent them to the best of my ability and for God to cover me and them. I pray my children aren’t broken. The overwhelming thought is that I just don’t know, and may not know until years and pain of locked up emotions come barreling out in the worst ways. I just keep the best outlook I can on life and raising them.
But in the back of my mind, I know it can happen to them.
I’ve mastered a lot in my life. One thing I cannot achieve is single parenthood. No matter how hard I try, I find something I haven’t thought of, something I cannot handle.
In a nuclear family, you’re able to tag team one of the hardest jobs…. parenting. Even an option of having family around to help is close to absent in my world. It seems like every time a family member DOES decide to help, something happens and I’m unable to rely on them for one reason or another and it just causes more stress. (Let me say this, I have two grandparents that watch my kids from the time they get off the bus until I pull up and I’m absolutely grateful for the help)
I work one of two jobs in my day. I come home and instantly am needed by two little bodies. They just want to tell me about their day. Tell me their thoughts. I just want to decompress for a second. That option is off the table. These kids are good kids. They have struggles. I want to be there for them through it all. I can’t. The older they get, the more I realize this. I’m tired. I’m mentally exhausted. I have questions and no one to ask. I have thoughts and no one to be my sound board. I have no one to take over while I regain my composure. I’m me. But me is last. I just don’t want to screw my kids up. I want them to know I love them so much. I can’t do everything though.
Life is about checks and balances. Without one the other goes haywire. Peace is found when there is a balance. I’m here. One sided.
Here’s the crazy part though. I have ZERO desire to find someone right now. I put in years of effort to try and make it work and I have learned so much. But right now, I have no energy to find a relationship. I have no energy to weed through the mess to find someone that is good enough for my two children. I want to be left alone. I can’t waste any more of my children’s time. Their hearts have broken because of me and I can’t put them through that again.
Thank you for letting me share!
Be angry. At someone. Or something. But prolonged anger doesn’t help. We work through our anger so that we can enjoy life.
The world says it’s time to work through anger but, deep down, do you want to? Enter bubbling under the surface, anger, stage left. You think it’s hidden, but it is shining brightly for everyone to see. The hurt isn’t talked about. The hurt is denied, causing present problems. Unresolved hurt, causes pain over and over. Unresolved hurt causes pain to others.
Break down. It’s the only way. It doesn’t have to be in front of an audience. But it better get done in front of God. Life goes on after the hurt. If one stays in hurt, one loses out. Hurt wins. What caused the hurt, wins.
Let it go. Let God take responsibility for any repercussions. Let God decide what matters and what doesn’t. Your mind isn’t very good at it. Breath out pain, breath in hope.
Breath. Out. Pain. Breath. In. Hope.