Quiet creeper, outed. FINALLY!

I was driving to work this morning. Just a typical day. I had found a CD (yes they still exist) from who knows when, Now 5. It was nostalgic. I was jamming hard to some of these hits. Some I passed quickly. EWE at some of the hits back then. I came across Lucky by Britney Spears. The song refers to a celebrity that from the outside has it all and on the inside, she’s just sad.

“If there’s nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night? Lost in an image, in a dream, but there’s no one there to wake her up. And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning but tell me what happens when it stops?”

I realized at that moment that I have struggled with depression since I was a child.

It took me this long (and no it doesn’t matter exactly HOW old I am) to realize it. I remember talking with someone within the past year about anxiety vs. depression. I had mentioned that I had not been depressed, only anxious. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which turns into PMDD during my PMS time. I honestly believed until today that I had not been depressed. I’m a halfway intelligent person. I love learning and researching. How could I miss this? How could I be so close minded to the fact that I struggle with depression?

I believe it’s because I am genuinely a happy person. I enjoy the small things. I can feel amazing just by looking outside at nature. I had it in my mind that to feel joy must mean that I couldn’t possibly be depressed. I can find the silver lining in situations.

I was wrong.

I remember constantly thinking as a child that I was never good enough. I felt I came from a home that was too financially unstable. I always felt like my friends weren’t really my friends. I was only a cheerleader because I was small enough to easily throw around (which isn’t exactly wrong). I remember feeling inconvenient to everyone I was around. I remember feeling like I just wanted to go away. I had friends that felt the same as me, maybe even worse. I learned bad habits from them like cutting myself. I remember sneaking into my kitchen, past my family, taking a steak knife out of the drawer, and I would cut. I would cut very lightly. I would go back to my room, only to later return and do it a little bit more and a little harder. I would wear high socks and long sleeves to school the next day. I found myself trying to balance being cool, being confused about life, being sad enough and being funny enough. I traveled through my schools friend list (before social media existed), trying to find MY people. I appeared to get along with everyone and didn’t really have enemies. I found no comfort in friends. I felt like the friendships I had, I was trying so hard to keep them, were more like a job.

I was EXTREMELY small and always had to defend my eating habits. I didn’t have an eating disorder, I just had small genes. I didn’t mature until years after everyone else did. I looked like I was 10, until I was 17. I had braces for 4 years, and contraptions similar to car engines (pistons and such). I was picked on for my size but no one did it hatefully. I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I was 17, while my friends spent countless hours talking about theirs and the places they went and the things they did. I dove into heavy metal because the lyrics explained the pain I felt inside. I would listen to it at the highest volume, screaming the lyrics while my soul was tired and hurt. High school was not fun for me and depression, it seems, caused the majority of the chaos in my own head.

I guess I have, over the years, started putting things together. It started to really hit home when I was going through a box of memories. I found journals after journals that were filled with depressing poems and scratches of anger pouring out through my beautifully colored pens (obsessed with office supplies to this day. I still pushed it to the side, making jokes about it.

Of all things, of all the music genre’s I listen to, my ride to work listening to old school Britney Spears did me in. The song came on and it took me back to school. All of the feelings came rushing back. The loss of innocence. The immense pain felt only on the inside.

I take this as a God moment. He ever so gently guided me into my own self-realization. I was, and can be, depressed. I can enjoy life. I can rejoice life. I can be depressed. All in one.

It may not seem like a lot to you but for those of you in recovery, admitting is the first step to a beautiful life ahead.

I am thankful for this realization.

P.S. In the midst of this life I was miserably leading, is when I began dabbling in drugs and alcohol. When they say substance abuse is only a symptom, a surface issue, to the real problem, they mean it. Reread this if you need to understand the why? to me using and abusing substances. My story isn’t an exact match to every alcoholic/drug abuser, but there will definitely be some similarities.

Robbed again

I second guess most things parents would never think about.

It hurts my soul to do so but without, I feel anxiety.

I question when my children are quiet. I question them going over to others homes. I over analyze their actions and reactions. I live in a prison that was not ever mine to live in.

I pray for God to ease my mind. I pray for God to wash my mind. I stay up in the middle of the night praying for horrible images to be released from my mind.

It’s a life-long sickness. One dealt with mostly in silence.

I do the best I can with my children and I pray they never experience a loss of innocence. I pray I parent them to the best of my ability and for God to cover me and them. I pray my children aren’t broken. The overwhelming thought is that I just don’t know, and may not know until years and pain of locked up emotions come barreling out in the worst ways. I just keep the best outlook I can on life and raising them.

But in the back of my mind, I know it can happen to them.

What is on everyone’s lips? RONA

I’m sitting here with an itchy throat, mucus everywhere, steroid pill in my tummy. I have a sinus infection. But in the back of my head…. I wonder….

My family wonders…

This environment is something I haven’t experienced before. I remember a lot that rocked our country. From trials of celebrities to the World Trade Center. But I’m not sure I recall anything that changed the world as this has.

I am a Caseworker. I work in child protective services. We are what they are now calling “essential workers”. I have been on call now for 5 days. I’m exhausted. The worry that the virus will spread to my family scares me. I’m a fairly decently healthy person, so I will overcome it. I have 80 something year old grandparents that live beside me and a 2 month old baby neice that lives on the other side of me. They are precious to me and I want to keep them safe. But I must do my job. I must go about my day as if nothing is different when the entire planet has changed.

Here I am sitting with a child that has nowhere to go. It’s approximately 130am and I’m so tired but I do my best to keep my eyes open. I pray this child finds a place that is appropriate for her situation. I pray her parents get their lives together to get her back.

I pray my children at home, who are far away from me, know that I love them so much and I think about them every second of every moment I’m away from them.

Here I am leaving the hospital after getting a call about a special needs juvenile. I’m starting to feel sick as I leave the hospital. I was screened when I walked in so I know my temp is OK. I have 3 more days of on call. I have to hold on.

My 3 kids are out of school. They have eaten anything they can get their hands on. They don’t get the meaning of working from home. I have had deadlines and paperwork on top on more deadlines and paperwork. I have had to have conversations with clients while my dogs barked loudly at a vehicle driving by. My kids asking me where the this and that is. They do not care.

Just the other day I was attempting to play Uno with them while typing case notes. It was a disaster. They are bound up and don’t fully understand why. They are enjoying being away from school but want to be able to roam free. I have to continue explaining to them what isolation is and why it’s the safe thing to do as I disappear for hours in the night to calls.

They hate my job.

I wake up the following day and I’m sick. Doctor deems it as sinus infection. Ok. The task must be completed. I just keep telling myself, it’s almost over. But I know there are so many other “essential workers” that are grinding and will continue to grind. Keep y’alls heads up. This is what we were made for. We were made to thrive.

Next phase of surrogacy

I finished my last round of blood work and ultrasound appointment. Everything is on schedule. I had a panicked week thinking my body ovulated but it was a false alarm. I did not. We are on to progesterone shots. The embryo will be implanted Wednesday.

BABY IMPLANTED IN JUST A FEW DAYS!

Baby mama came to my office this morning and ever so gently gave me my first (huge) shot. She is so kind and loving. I’m honored to give her this gift that she so deserves to enjoy.

I promised to be honest in my blog.

Honesty in 3….2…1….

There have been some side effects I knew but couldn’t prepare for and some have been unexpected….

I have a strange emotion that has popped up. I understand why those who have gone before me have mentioned loneliness. I signed up for this. This is my decision. With that responsibility I feel I have to hide my side effects so my environment won’t throw it up in my face “you did this to yourself”. I caught myself crying in my office. So alone. Crying for many reasons, none of which are worthy of tears.

I am still just so excited to be on this journey. I don’t regret a second of it. I’m ready for the next step.

But it is complicated trying to live my chaotic, everchanging, life, while simultaneously preparing for baby.

God is in control always. I pray my insecurities calm down. I pray God comes and washes my mind of negativity about my current choices.

I pray for my hormone levels. I’m glad they are irate because that means my body is accepting of the medication. I pray it continues to follow the schedule. I pray for a successful implantation and pregnancy.

I also selfishly pray for my heart as I am broken and trying every day to work on me. I pray God restores love. I pray I am forever making Him proud on Earth.

I pray for my support. I pray they are loving to me and do not leave me. I pray I appreciate and respect them.

Insecurity

I’m sitting here……. Lost in my own mind….

How can one person have this many thoughts without an explosion or fire??

Every move this world makes, I imagine the next 3 steps. Why?

Anxiety and insecurities.

Lifelong experience of things going wrong.

My mind is a vulture. It attacks when it smells fresh meat. Fresh thoughts. Good experiences.

Just around the corner it will all crash down. Life doesn’t work out for you, Pattie. Don’t get used to this.

NO!

STOP!

This isnt real.

LIES!

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Everything is OK. It’s not perfect. It has valleys and it has mountains. Beautiful luscious mountains. We wouldn’t appreciate the mountains as much if it weren’t for the valleys.

Praise always.

I will calm my soul. I will be OK. Whatever will be, will be. If things aren’t meant to be, they aren’t. No amount of fear and emotion will stop the truth.

God has a plan way bigger than mine.

God will bless me. One way or another.

Amen.

Alone but not lonely

God bless me.

I’m sitting in church. My children left for children’s church. I’m completely alone. I am the only one in the pugh. And I’m ever so comfortable. And it’s all because of God and His love for me. I used to have such anxiety because I had a spouse that was miserable to be there. Then it turned into I didn’t have a spouse to hold my hand. How beautiful God is to calm my soul.

God has worked a miracle in my life. I sing the songs to praise His love loud and proud. I sway back and forth. I smile and tap to the beat. I don’t feel an emmense pain in my chest. I feel a glow of God. It beams off me.

God is so good to me.

God has loved me when I am unlovable.

God is working on me daily!!!

Single

I’ve mastered a lot in my life. One thing I cannot achieve is single parenthood. No matter how hard I try, I find something I haven’t thought of, something I cannot handle.

In a nuclear family, you’re able to tag team one of the hardest jobs…. parenting. Even an option of having family around to help is close to absent in my world. It seems like every time a family member DOES decide to help, something happens and I’m unable to rely on them for one reason or another and it just causes more stress. (Let me say this, I have two grandparents that watch my kids from the time they get off the bus until I pull up and I’m absolutely grateful for the help)

I work one of two jobs in my day. I come home and instantly am needed by two little bodies. They just want to tell me about their day. Tell me their thoughts. I just want to decompress for a second. That option is off the table. These kids are good kids. They have struggles. I want to be there for them through it all. I can’t. The older they get, the more I realize this. I’m tired. I’m mentally exhausted. I have questions and no one to ask. I have thoughts and no one to be my sound board. I have no one to take over while I regain my composure. I’m me. But me is last. I just don’t want to screw my kids up. I want them to know I love them so much. I can’t do everything though.

Life is about checks and balances. Without one the other goes haywire. Peace is found when there is a balance. I’m here. One sided.

Here’s the crazy part though. I have ZERO desire to find someone right now. I put in years of effort to try and make it work and I have learned so much. But right now, I have no energy to find a relationship. I have no energy to weed through the mess to find someone that is good enough for my two children. I want to be left alone. I can’t waste any more of my children’s time. Their hearts have broken because of me and I can’t put them through that again.

Thank you for letting me share!

Rely.

My world is spinning. With the upcoming re-entry into school to gain a masters degree, my personal issues, and my well being, I am at a loss.

I’m finding it hard to breathe. I’m gasping for breaths.

This is what I deal with.

I’ve prayed, I’ve screamed, to God. Take this. Take all that I have.

This world is broken. It’s breaking me. I keep telling myself it isn’t my world. This. Isn’t. Mine. My riches are in Heaven.

God created us for relationship. Why is that the most impossible thing to accomplish.

Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My frustrations and sadness are oozing from my every inch of body.

God, give me the strength. I want to be healthy. I want healthy around me. I want what You want.

Calling Papa!

Matthew 11:28-30

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Lord, I’m coming to you. I’m calling you in the dead of night. Calm my heart. Be still, my soul. Let me find rest in You.

Psalm 119:48-52

48 I reach out for your commands, which I love, that I may meditate on your decrees. 49 Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. 50 My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. 51 The arrogant mock me unmercifully, but I do not turn from your law. 52 I remember, LORD, your ancient laws, and I find comfort in them.

Let me be who I need to be, how I need to be and where I need to be.

Amen.

See the good.

I was giving all of my mind funk to God today. I do that often. It’s the best thing to do. As I was letting Him have it, we were driving down the interstate. We had gone out of state for a vacation to see my best friend (whom I hadn’t seen in 10 years). It was an emotional trip. As soon as I had hugged my best friends neck, I couldn’t fathom the thought of having to leave her again in a few short days…. We grew up together. We were thick as thieves. We went through some rough times together. She was my safety net many times when I had nothing else and I hope I was that for her sometimes, too. She learned the hard way, just like I did, to FROG 🐸 (Fully Rely On God). She truly had given her life to God since I had seen her last. It was the most beautiful thing to see her shine like she was.

Anyway, we had a great time, not long enough though. We said our goodbyes.

I kept it together.

On the way home, I was just begging God to show me what I’m missing. Life is rough at times and I have a hard time managing it all. So there I am, losing myself out the window. I prayed for God to show me a sign. I want God to have control over my every piece of life and I fail. I make decisions without Him being TRULY at the center of it. And I’m tired of it.

So I’m asking Him. TELL ME. God, I’m basically a blonde dumb dumb so if you don’t hit me on the head with it, I may never understand……

Minutes later…. I can’t make this up….. My boo said, look at that. Someone had, in red solo cups, created a pattern in the fence of a bridge that we drove under. It said :

SEE THE GOOD

In big, bold, bright red, bubbly, letters.

See. The. Good.

Yes God. I hear you God. I will do my very best God.

See. I’ve struggled with this my whole life (that I can remember). I don’t know the name of it exactly. Depression. Anxiety. Sadness. Overwhelming fear. A mixture of all. I’ve tried hard to be proactive in seeking to better understand it and make it better in general. It’s a never ending cycle. A roller coaster, if you will. I can honestly tell you, I don’t know if Im doing myself good or harming some days. But today God shouted a sign to me. Not because I didn’t have faith in Him and His work in my life. But because He loves me. He truly loves me. Don’t get me wrong, He isn’t a magic 8 ball that I ask questions to and He gives me a yes, no, cannot predict now, blah blah. He gave me what I NEEDED to hear at that moment because He thought it best. See. The. Good.

Life is too short to focus on the bad. There is so much bad. That can’t be denied. But I NEED to focus on the good. I need to focus on the good of this world, myself and others. I can’t worry about what others think I’m doing or not doing. I need to leave all that to God and just see the good.

So. I leave you with the same message. Life is life. Our treasures are not found here. There will never be true satisfaction and peace until we hit those pearly gates. We give every bit we have to God. We have to seek out the good until good is all that surrounds us in Heaven.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.