Robbed again

I second guess most things parents would never think about.

It hurts my soul to do so but without, I feel anxiety.

I question when my children are quiet. I question them going over to others homes. I over analyze their actions and reactions. I live in a prison that was not ever mine to live in.

I pray for God to ease my mind. I pray for God to wash my mind. I stay up in the middle of the night praying for horrible images to be released from my mind.

It’s a life-long sickness. One dealt with mostly in silence.

I do the best I can with my children and I pray they never experience a loss of innocence. I pray I parent them to the best of my ability and for God to cover me and them. I pray my children aren’t broken. The overwhelming thought is that I just don’t know, and may not know until years and pain of locked up emotions come barreling out in the worst ways. I just keep the best outlook I can on life and raising them.

But in the back of my mind, I know it can happen to them.

What is on everyone’s lips? RONA

I’m sitting here with an itchy throat, mucus everywhere, steroid pill in my tummy. I have a sinus infection. But in the back of my head…. I wonder….

My family wonders…

This environment is something I haven’t experienced before. I remember a lot that rocked our country. From trials of celebrities to the World Trade Center. But I’m not sure I recall anything that changed the world as this has.

I am a Caseworker. I work in child protective services. We are what they are now calling “essential workers”. I have been on call now for 5 days. I’m exhausted. The worry that the virus will spread to my family scares me. I’m a fairly decently healthy person, so I will overcome it. I have 80 something year old grandparents that live beside me and a 2 month old baby neice that lives on the other side of me. They are precious to me and I want to keep them safe. But I must do my job. I must go about my day as if nothing is different when the entire planet has changed.

Here I am sitting with a child that has nowhere to go. It’s approximately 130am and I’m so tired but I do my best to keep my eyes open. I pray this child finds a place that is appropriate for her situation. I pray her parents get their lives toethr to get her back.

I pray my children at home, who are far away from me, know that I love them so much and I think about them every second of every moment I’m away from them.

Here I am leaving the hospital after getting a call about a special needs juvenile. I’m starting to feel sick as I leave the hospital. I was screened when I walked in so I know my temp is OK. I have 3 more days of on call. I have to hold on.

My 3 kids are out of school. They have eaten anything they can get their hands on. They don’t get the meaning of working from home. I have had deadlines and paperwork on top on more deadlines and paperwork. I have had to have conversations with clients while my dogs barked loudly at a vehicle driving by. My kids asking me where the this and that is. They do not care.

Just the other day I was attempting to play Uno with them while typing case notes. It was a disaster. They are bound up and don’t fully understand why. They are enjoying being away from school but want to be able to roam free. I have to continue explaining to them what isolation is and why it’s the safe thing to do as I disappear fo hours in the night to calls.

They hate my job.

I wake up the following day and I’m sick. Doctor deems it as sinus infection. Ok. The task must be completed. I just keep telling myself, it’s almost over.But I know there are so many other “essential workers” that are grinding and will continue to grind. Keep y’alls heads up. This is what we were made for. We were made to thrive.

Next phase of surrogacy

I finished my last round of blood work and ultrasound appointment. Everything is on schedule. I had a panicked week thinking my body ovulated but it was a false alarm. I did not. We are on to progesterone shots. The embryo will be implanted Wednesday.

BABY IMPLANTED IN JUST A FEW DAYS!

Baby mama came to my office this morning and ever so gently gave me my first (huge) shot. She is so kind and loving. I’m honored to give her this gift that she so deserves to enjoy.

I promised to be honest in my blog.

Honesty in 3….2…1….

There have been some side effects I knew but couldn’t prepare for and some have been unexpected….

I have a strange emotion that has popped up. I understand why those who have gone before me have mentioned loneliness. I signed up for this. This is my decision. With that responsibility I feel I have to hide my side effects so my environment won’t throw it up in my face “you did this to yourself”. I caught myself crying in my office. So alone. Crying for many reasons, none of which are worthy of tears.

I am still just so excited to be on this journey. I don’t regret a second of it. I’m ready for the next step.

But it is complicated trying to live my chaotic, everchanging, life, while simultaneously preparing for baby.

God is in control always. I pray my insecurities calm down. I pray God comes and washes my mind of negativity about my current choices.

I pray for my hormone levels. I’m glad they are irate because that means my body is accepting of the medication. I pray it continues to follow the schedule. I pray for a successful implantation and pregnancy.

I also selfishly pray for my heart as I am broken and trying every day to work on me. I pray God restores love. I pray I am forever making Him proud on Earth.

I pray for my support. I pray they are loving to me and do not leave me. I pray I appreciate and respect them.

Insecurity

I’m sitting here……. Lost in my own mind….

How can one person have this many thoughts without an explosion or fire??

Every move this world makes, I imagine the next 3 steps. Why?

Anxiety and insecurities.

Lifelong experience of things going wrong.

My mind is a vulture. It attacks when it smells fresh meat. Fresh thoughts. Good experiences.

Just around the corner it will all crash down. Life doesn’t work out for you, Pattie. Don’t get used to this.

NO!

STOP!

This isnt real.

LIES!

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Everything is OK. It’s not perfect. It has valleys and it has mountains. Beautiful luscious mountains. We wouldn’t appreciate the mountains as much if it weren’t for the valleys.

Praise always.

I will calm my soul. I will be OK. Whatever will be, will be. If things aren’t meant to be, they aren’t. No amount of fear and emotion will stop the truth.

God has a plan way bigger than mine.

God will bless me. One way or another.

Amen.

Alone but not lonely

God bless me.

I’m sitting in church. My children left for children’s church. I’m completely alone. I am the only one in the pugh. And I’m ever so comfortable. And it’s all because of God and His love for me. I used to have such anxiety because I had a spouse that was miserable to be there. Then it turned into I didn’t have a spouse to hold my hand. How beautiful God is to calm my soul.

God has worked a miracle in my life. I sing the songs to praise His love loud and proud. I sway back and forth. I smile and tap to the beat. I don’t feel an emmense pain in my chest. I feel a glow of God. It beams off me.

God is so good to me.

God has loved me when I am unlovable.

God is working on me daily!!!

Single

I’ve mastered a lot in my life. One thing I cannot achieve is single parenthood. No matter how hard I try, I find something I haven’t thought of, something I cannot handle.

In a nuclear family, you’re able to tag team one of the hardest jobs…. parenting. Even an option of having family around to help is close to absent in my world. It seems like every time a family member DOES decide to help, something happens and I’m unable to rely on them for one reason or another and it just causes more stress. (Let me say this, I have two grandparents that watch my kids from the time they get off the bus until I pull up and I’m absolutely grateful for the help)

I work one of two jobs in my day. I come home and instantly am needed by two little bodies. They just want to tell me about their day. Tell me their thoughts. I just want to decompress for a second. That option is off the table. These kids are good kids. They have struggles. I want to be there for them through it all. I can’t. The older they get, the more I realize this. I’m tired. I’m mentally exhausted. I have questions and no one to ask. I have thoughts and no one to be my sound board. I have no one to take over while I regain my composure. I’m me. But me is last. I just don’t want to screw my kids up. I want them to know I love them so much. I can’t do everything though.

Life is about checks and balances. Without one the other goes haywire. Peace is found when there is a balance. I’m here. One sided.

Here’s the crazy part though. I have ZERO desire to find someone right now. I put in years of effort to try and make it work and I have learned so much. But right now, I have no energy to find a relationship. I have no energy to weed through the mess to find someone that is good enough for my two children. I want to be left alone. I can’t waste any more of my children’s time. Their hearts have broken because of me and I can’t put them through that again.

Thank you for letting me share!

Rely.

My world is spinning. With the upcoming re-entry into school to gain a masters degree, my personal issues, and my well being, I am at a loss.

I’m finding it hard to breathe. I’m gasping for breaths.

This is what I deal with.

I’ve prayed, I’ve screamed, to God. Take this. Take all that I have.

This world is broken. It’s breaking me. I keep telling myself it isn’t my world. This. Isn’t. Mine. My riches are in Heaven.

God created us for relationship. Why is that the most impossible thing to accomplish.

Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My frustrations and sadness are oozing from my every inch of body.

God, give me the strength. I want to be healthy. I want healthy around me. I want what You want.

Calling Papa!

Matthew 11:28-30

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Lord, I’m coming to you. I’m calling you in the dead of night. Calm my heart. Be still, my soul. Let me find rest in You.

Psalm 119:48-52

48 I reach out for your commands, which I love, that I may meditate on your decrees. 49 Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. 50 My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. 51 The arrogant mock me unmercifully, but I do not turn from your law. 52 I remember, LORD, your ancient laws, and I find comfort in them.

Let me be who I need to be, how I need to be and where I need to be.

Amen.

See the good.

I was giving all of my mind funk to God today. I do that often. It’s the best thing to do. As I was letting Him have it, we were driving down the interstate. We had gone out of state for a vacation to see my best friend (whom I hadn’t seen in 10 years). It was an emotional trip. As soon as I had hugged my best friends neck, I couldn’t fathom the thought of having to leave her again in a few short days…. We grew up together. We were thick as thieves. We went through some rough times together. She was my safety net many times when I had nothing else and I hope I was that for her sometimes, too. She learned the hard way, just like I did, to FROG 🐸 (Fully Rely On God). She truly had given her life to God since I had seen her last. It was the most beautiful thing to see her shine like she was.

Anyway, we had a great time, not long enough though. We said our goodbyes.

I kept it together.

On the way home, I was just begging God to show me what I’m missing. Life is rough at times and I have a hard time managing it all. So there I am, losing myself out the window. I prayed for God to show me a sign. I want God to have control over my every piece of life and I fail. I make decisions without Him being TRULY at the center of it. And I’m tired of it.

So I’m asking Him. TELL ME. God, I’m basically a blonde dumb dumb so if you don’t hit me on the head with it, I may never understand……

Minutes later…. I can’t make this up….. My boo said, look at that. Someone had, in red solo cups, created a pattern in the fence of a bridge that we drove under. It said :

SEE THE GOOD

In big, bold, bright red, bubbly, letters.

See. The. Good.

Yes God. I hear you God. I will do my very best God.

See. I’ve struggled with this my whole life (that I can remember). I don’t know the name of it exactly. Depression. Anxiety. Sadness. Overwhelming fear. A mixture of all. I’ve tried hard to be proactive in seeking to better understand it and make it better in general. It’s a never ending cycle. A roller coaster, if you will. I can honestly tell you, I don’t know if Im doing myself good or harming some days. But today God shouted a sign to me. Not because I didn’t have faith in Him and His work in my life. But because He loves me. He truly loves me. Don’t get me wrong, He isn’t a magic 8 ball that I ask questions to and He gives me a yes, no, cannot predict now, blah blah. He gave me what I NEEDED to hear at that moment because He thought it best. See. The. Good.

Life is too short to focus on the bad. There is so much bad. That can’t be denied. But I NEED to focus on the good. I need to focus on the good of this world, myself and others. I can’t worry about what others think I’m doing or not doing. I need to leave all that to God and just see the good.

So. I leave you with the same message. Life is life. Our treasures are not found here. There will never be true satisfaction and peace until we hit those pearly gates. We give every bit we have to God. We have to seek out the good until good is all that surrounds us in Heaven.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I dare you, humble me

The mere phrase.  It doesn’t get it. You can’t DARE humbleness. To be humble, it must not be dared.

A swift kick in the patootie.

Me.

My big mouth.

I come to you today with a heavy heart and a big mouth forcibly closed.

I have worked so hard to improve my every aspect of life.  I have so far to go.

 Phillipians 3:12-14  

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

 

I found myself, yet again, with my foot in my mouth.  I ask God daily  to always come into my heart and work on what HE deems appropriate, that he convicts me of not just what is right but what is wrong.  And boy does he.  Although it is painful, I will never regret or stop asking for him to do so.

I had a moment of weakness yesterday.  I was upset at how a situation occurred.  Instead of going to God about it, I went to a friend.  In doing so, I broke the trustworthiness I so yearn for.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

This is not where my lesson was learned. It gets worse.

We live in a world obsessed with technology.  So there I sit, thinking I was so sly, texting this friend. I set my phone down and carry on with my life.   An hour or so later, I pick my phone up only to realize I sent the message intended for a friend, to the person I was frustrated at.  I was heartbroken. I was instantly remorseful.  Would I have ever been if she didn’t receive the message on accident? Probably not.  I began to fall over my words, almost attempting to cover up or excuse what I had said. I put my phone down and asked God for forgiveness and to continue his ever so big job of working on me.  I picked my phone up and apologized for my poor behavior.  The person never responded.  I can do nothing more.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

I come to you today, practicing humblesness.  I do not wish to challenge God. I do not wish to upset God. I only ask that God remain in me, as he has promised, and that he guide me and improve me in all of the ways I fall short.

Philippians 2:5-8 New International Version (NIV)

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature[a] God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

 

 

Amen.