I second guess most things parents would never think about.
It hurts my soul to do so but without, I feel anxiety.
I question when my children are quiet. I question them going over to others homes. I over analyze their actions and reactions. I live in a prison that was not ever mine to live in.
I pray for God to ease my mind. I pray for God to wash my mind. I stay up in the middle of the night praying for horrible images to be released from my mind.
It’s a life-long sickness. One dealt with mostly in silence.
I do the best I can with my children and I pray they never experience a loss of innocence. I pray I parent them to the best of my ability and for God to cover me and them. I pray my children aren’t broken. The overwhelming thought is that I just don’t know, and may not know until years and pain of locked up emotions come barreling out in the worst ways. I just keep the best outlook I can on life and raising them.
But in the back of my mind, I know it can happen to them.
Who I am now didn’t happen overnight( and still working on it daily). It wasn’t an easy road. This happened over many situations.
Here I was needing help from the government. Using WIC (women’s infant and children) to supplement a small amount of groceries monthly, discovering that no matter what, I was going to be treated like dirt at the heart of my seeking assistance.
I remember sitting in the office of the local health department after an embarrassing low of asking for assistance to support me and my child. I sat there being looked down on by the worker. She was irritated to be at work. She was irritated that I couldn’t give exact information on his father’s income. She didn’t know I was in my second semester of college and I had made a determination that I was going to be someone someday. This woman acted as if I chose to be there. My choices DEFINITELY landed me here. But I didn’t want this life. For me or my baby. I was trying my best to dig myself out. Everything she did and everything she said to me, she wanted me to know I was wasting her time and so was everyone else she had to deal with in her day. It hurt me. I even called to make a complaint although I know it didn’t go far.
Every few months I had to come in for a redetermination. Every few months I dreaded it. I couldn’t continue to take this.
This day I decided to find my place in this line of work. I decided I would try my best to show people respect no matter the circumstances. I wanted to be a fresh face someone saw when they were at their lowest point.
Fast forward 5 years. I got my degree (by the grace of God) . Then I got another degree (still shouting God’s grace) . Then I faithfully applied to DHR. I got an interview. I got an acceptance letter (Amen) . I accepted the job.
My first day on the job was nerve wrecking. I had worked so hard to get to this place. Here I was. My anxiety was high. The place was new. It was different. I tried my very best to be uplifting and positive. I tried to listen to anything I was told. I got settled into my office. I had an office y’all!!!
I met the woman that was so negative toward me the day I chose my future. She was a kind lady. She was very helpful to me, being that I was “the new girl”. I mentioned that I had needed assistance years ago and remembered her. She didn’t remember me. I felt it was best not to go further with the story.
To this day she is a good Co-worker. We get along well.
She has no idea how she was fuel to my already burning fire to make a change in this life.