Surrogacy journey 22 weeks in

I’m overwhelmed with emotions. I have had 2 pregnancies before this and NOTHING can compare. I’ve never cried this much in my life. Everything is extreme.

An interesting fact is that my life has never been this complicated either. It’s hard to tell which is causing what. All I can tell you is my mind is pure chaos.

I’m thankful for a healthy baby. I’m trying to ensure a healthy bond with baby mama. I’m trying to prepare for when baby comes and more importantly after baby leaves. I’m trying to ensure I am a good mother to my biological two.

I’m exhausted.

Mentally I cannot go on (she said dramatically). Physically I’m doing OK.

This is a whirlwind. I have approximately 18 weeks left.

I STILL do not regret a thing. But this is definitely more than I could imagine. I honestly don’t think anyone can ever grasp what the surrogacy journey will involve until they experience it for themselves.

We will continue on.

I’m thankful I can rely on God.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Hoping for good news about placenta previa.

Alone but not lonely

God bless me.

I’m sitting in church. My children left for children’s church. I’m completely alone. I am the only one in the pugh. And I’m ever so comfortable. And it’s all because of God and His love for me. I used to have such anxiety because I had a spouse that was miserable to be there. Then it turned into I didn’t have a spouse to hold my hand. How beautiful God is to calm my soul.

God has worked a miracle in my life. I sing the songs to praise His love loud and proud. I sway back and forth. I smile and tap to the beat. I don’t feel an emmense pain in my chest. I feel a glow of God. It beams off me.

God is so good to me.

God has loved me when I am unlovable.

God is working on me daily!!!

Single

I’ve mastered a lot in my life. One thing I cannot achieve is single parenthood. No matter how hard I try, I find something I haven’t thought of, something I cannot handle.

In a nuclear family, you’re able to tag team one of the hardest jobs…. parenting. Even an option of having family around to help is close to absent in my world. It seems like every time a family member DOES decide to help, something happens and I’m unable to rely on them for one reason or another and it just causes more stress. (Let me say this, I have two grandparents that watch my kids from the time they get off the bus until I pull up and I’m absolutely grateful for the help)

I work one of two jobs in my day. I come home and instantly am needed by two little bodies. They just want to tell me about their day. Tell me their thoughts. I just want to decompress for a second. That option is off the table. These kids are good kids. They have struggles. I want to be there for them through it all. I can’t. The older they get, the more I realize this. I’m tired. I’m mentally exhausted. I have questions and no one to ask. I have thoughts and no one to be my sound board. I have no one to take over while I regain my composure. I’m me. But me is last. I just don’t want to screw my kids up. I want them to know I love them so much. I can’t do everything though.

Life is about checks and balances. Without one the other goes haywire. Peace is found when there is a balance. I’m here. One sided.

Here’s the crazy part though. I have ZERO desire to find someone right now. I put in years of effort to try and make it work and I have learned so much. But right now, I have no energy to find a relationship. I have no energy to weed through the mess to find someone that is good enough for my two children. I want to be left alone. I can’t waste any more of my children’s time. Their hearts have broken because of me and I can’t put them through that again.

Thank you for letting me share!

Rely.

My world is spinning. With the upcoming re-entry into school to gain a masters degree, my personal issues, and my well being, I am at a loss.

I’m finding it hard to breathe. I’m gasping for breaths.

This is what I deal with.

I’ve prayed, I’ve screamed, to God. Take this. Take all that I have.

This world is broken. It’s breaking me. I keep telling myself it isn’t my world. This. Isn’t. Mine. My riches are in Heaven.

God created us for relationship. Why is that the most impossible thing to accomplish.

Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My frustrations and sadness are oozing from my every inch of body.

God, give me the strength. I want to be healthy. I want healthy around me. I want what You want.

What EGO?

I heard this in church…..

“The work of the Lord is more important than your ego”

I like this. If we don’t check ourself, there is a large chance we are going to, in fact, wreck ourself (showing my age, icecube)

I desire to improve myself. I desire to become closer to God in all aspects of my life. I sometimes have to tell my ego to go sit down so God’s work can shine through. I’m thankful that God shows me how to do it. I only listen and pray. Pray and let God.

Amen.