What is on everyone’s lips? RONA

I’m sitting here with an itchy throat, mucus everywhere, steroid pill in my tummy. I have a sinus infection. But in the back of my head…. I wonder….

My family wonders…

This environment is something I haven’t experienced before. I remember a lot that rocked our country. From trials of celebrities to the World Trade Center. But I’m not sure I recall anything that changed the world as this has.

I am a Caseworker. I work in child protective services. We are what they are now calling “essential workers”. I have been on call now for 5 days. I’m exhausted. The worry that the virus will spread to my family scares me. I’m a fairly decently healthy person, so I will overcome it. I have 80 something year old grandparents that live beside me and a 2 month old baby neice that lives on the other side of me. They are precious to me and I want to keep them safe. But I must do my job. I must go about my day as if nothing is different when the entire planet has changed.

Here I am sitting with a child that has nowhere to go. It’s approximately 130am and I’m so tired but I do my best to keep my eyes open. I pray this child finds a place that is appropriate for her situation. I pray her parents get their lives toethr to get her back.

I pray my children at home, who are far away from me, know that I love them so much and I think about them every second of every moment I’m away from them.

Here I am leaving the hospital after getting a call about a special needs juvenile. I’m starting to feel sick as I leave the hospital. I was screened when I walked in so I know my temp is OK. I have 3 more days of on call. I have to hold on.

My 3 kids are out of school. They have eaten anything they can get their hands on. They don’t get the meaning of working from home. I have had deadlines and paperwork on top on more deadlines and paperwork. I have had to have conversations with clients while my dogs barked loudly at a vehicle driving by. My kids asking me where the this and that is. They do not care.

Just the other day I was attempting to play Uno with them while typing case notes. It was a disaster. They are bound up and don’t fully understand why. They are enjoying being away from school but want to be able to roam free. I have to continue explaining to them what isolation is and why it’s the safe thing to do as I disappear fo hours in the night to calls.

They hate my job.

I wake up the following day and I’m sick. Doctor deems it as sinus infection. Ok. The task must be completed. I just keep telling myself, it’s almost over.But I know there are so many other “essential workers” that are grinding and will continue to grind. Keep y’alls heads up. This is what we were made for. We were made to thrive.

Surrogacy journey: 38 weeks. Real talk.

I’ve held off on posting my real emotions. This is a delicate situation. 38 weeks pregnant. No spouse. No responsibilities after baby arrives. A family in waiting for their forever blessing to arrive. Nothing about this pregnancy is what society calls normal.

I started blogging this journey for anyone out there who may want to experience surrogacy but I also have to be mindful that many lives are involved.

With that being said, I’m exhausted. I am taking care of a household and children. I’m uncomfortable standing, sitting, laying, bending, anything really. I have mentioned it slightly before but I’m going to tell you…. When they tell you to do a psychological evaluation and counseling beforehand, this is why. It takes more out of you than a “regular” pregnancy.

I don’t mean to but somehow I end up feeling secluded and nothing more than an object to get someone to their destination. I feel I have to fight for my voice to be heard in some scenarios and I feel a bother in others.

These are just fleeting emotions (I tell myself to try and “snap” out of it).

I just left the hospital. I had to register and get a check due to my doctor being out of town. Everything is good. Contracting but not dilated enough to be admitted. I will be induced next week. It’s surreal. She will be here and into her mom and dad’s arms next week. We only have ONE more week. We can do this!!!!!

I have 3 weeks off work paid to rest and heal.

I believe I will feel much better in a few weeks.

I’m hoping I have some help when I get home from the hospital. It takes a lot to manage a household, much more after you deliver a baby.

I called a house cleaning agency. They wanted 230 bucks for a deep cleaning. WHAT??? looks like I need to go into that business. Ha.

Alls well. Baby’s healthy. This is what matters.

We continue on!!!!!

Surrogacy journey 22 weeks in

I’m overwhelmed with emotions. I have had 2 pregnancies before this and NOTHING can compare. I’ve never cried this much in my life. Everything is extreme.

An interesting fact is that my life has never been this complicated either. It’s hard to tell which is causing what. All I can tell you is my mind is pure chaos.

I’m thankful for a healthy baby. I’m trying to ensure a healthy bond with baby mama. I’m trying to prepare for when baby comes and more importantly after baby leaves. I’m trying to ensure I am a good mother to my biological two.

I’m exhausted.

Mentally I cannot go on (she said dramatically). Physically I’m doing OK.

This is a whirlwind. I have approximately 18 weeks left.

I STILL do not regret a thing. But this is definitely more than I could imagine. I honestly don’t think anyone can ever grasp what the surrogacy journey will involve until they experience it for themselves.

We will continue on.

I’m thankful I can rely on God.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Hoping for good news about placenta previa.

It went down. Way down. Way south.

IMPLANTATION DAY!

We made it.

I woke up too early. I tried to work but was not successful. I got my children ready for school and out the door. I spent extra time getting ready. I tried to embrace the entire morning. I got myself a bologna biscuit with extra mustar. Ate some candy, stopped for coffee and chat time and was on my way to the clinic by 10.

On the ride in, emotions began to flow. I’m doing this. We are doing this.

How beautiful.

We thawed 2 embryos. One was struggling and the next did better.

The doctor asked me about putting two embryos to ensure success. I have two children and a very demanding job. I just can’t do two embryos. I had emmense guilt but I declined.

My father and baby mama were in the room with me.

I, like always, cracked jokes to ease the tension.

The process wasn’t intense at all. It was more emotional than anything. The doctor, whom I had never met until today, implanted the embryo. We were able to see a small puff of air to know where it had been implanted. Baby BB is officially implanted in my uterus. Let the praying begin.

Boom.

Baby mama showered me and my two children with gifts. She is so special.

We stood in the parking lot and held each other. She placed her hand on my tummy while I held her and she prayed.

We are all so blessed to experience this.

God’s will be done.

We all go our separate ways. I go to my house to enjoy an afternoon of bedrest. My mother comes by. My grandmother and grandfather come by. It feels good to share this experience with my family. My grandfather ended up leaving my mother, my grandmother and I to our “girl talk”. We chatted about many things. I embrace these moments.

My grandmother left and my children came home from school. They were extremely interested in this journey and my daughter asked where the baby was. My sister in law, brother and children came by briefly. They checked on me and took my daughter for a few hours.

My baby mama came over to do my daily progesterone shot and stayed a while to chat. We have bonded and I enjoy getting to know her in this manner. I pray for her and this baby to be united as a family.

She had to go home and grade papers. We hugged and she left.

My mother discussed in several moments how cluttered my house was. Mom’s are grand huh? She means well. We snuggled in the bed. We ate snacks. She cleaned my sink, made dinner and left.

What a beautiful day!

Next phase of surrogacy

I finished my last round of blood work and ultrasound appointment. Everything is on schedule. I had a panicked week thinking my body ovulated but it was a false alarm. I did not. We are on to progesterone shots. The embryo will be implanted Wednesday.

BABY IMPLANTED IN JUST A FEW DAYS!

Baby mama came to my office this morning and ever so gently gave me my first (huge) shot. She is so kind and loving. I’m honored to give her this gift that she so deserves to enjoy.

I promised to be honest in my blog.

Honesty in 3….2…1….

There have been some side effects I knew but couldn’t prepare for and some have been unexpected….

I have a strange emotion that has popped up. I understand why those who have gone before me have mentioned loneliness. I signed up for this. This is my decision. With that responsibility I feel I have to hide my side effects so my environment won’t throw it up in my face “you did this to yourself”. I caught myself crying in my office. So alone. Crying for many reasons, none of which are worthy of tears.

I am still just so excited to be on this journey. I don’t regret a second of it. I’m ready for the next step.

But it is complicated trying to live my chaotic, everchanging, life, while simultaneously preparing for baby.

God is in control always. I pray my insecurities calm down. I pray God comes and washes my mind of negativity about my current choices.

I pray for my hormone levels. I’m glad they are irate because that means my body is accepting of the medication. I pray it continues to follow the schedule. I pray for a successful implantation and pregnancy.

I also selfishly pray for my heart as I am broken and trying every day to work on me. I pray God restores love. I pray I am forever making Him proud on Earth.

I pray for my support. I pray they are loving to me and do not leave me. I pray I appreciate and respect them.

Bebe and Abbie

3.11.19. The babies have been picked out. The embryo surrogate gave two babes. 3bb and 3aa. Future mama has named them Bebe and Abbie. I love her cleverness.

I don’t fully know what this choice means. But I know when an egg and sperm are taken, they join in a dish. They do their thing and poof, an embryo. This occurred 8 times. They grade the embryos. The embryos are frozen.

….. They wait….

Bebe and Abbie are in separate straws. We will only implant one at a time. I pray there is a success the first time but if not, there will be another straw and another process to try again.

I will start my diagnostic testing this week.

Please pray for these embryos to be strong. Please pray for my uterus to be healthy and embrace this beautiful gift.

Thank you all for being part of this journey with me.

Signed sealed delivered

3.4.19. I signed the final contract. It’s official. I’m going to be a vessel of hope. I’m going to give the gift of a bigger family. I’m going to give a baby to a mom and dad who are unable to do it themselves. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby I can. I want to have a good pregnancy. I want to be able to give the baby over appropriately when the time comes.

The clinic is giving an estimated May date for pregnancy. I will go through some hormone shots and prepping my uterus will take a few weeks, also. I’m going to be a mom. Without the mom part.

I pray for this unborn child.

Alone but not lonely

God bless me.

I’m sitting in church. My children left for children’s church. I’m completely alone. I am the only one in the pugh. And I’m ever so comfortable. And it’s all because of God and His love for me. I used to have such anxiety because I had a spouse that was miserable to be there. Then it turned into I didn’t have a spouse to hold my hand. How beautiful God is to calm my soul.

God has worked a miracle in my life. I sing the songs to praise His love loud and proud. I sway back and forth. I smile and tap to the beat. I don’t feel an emmense pain in my chest. I feel a glow of God. It beams off me.

God is so good to me.

God has loved me when I am unlovable.

God is working on me daily!!!