I’ve held off on posting my real emotions. This is a delicate situation. 38 weeks pregnant. No spouse. No responsibilities after baby arrives. A family in waiting for their forever blessing to arrive. Nothing about this pregnancy is what society calls normal.
I started blogging this journey for anyone out there who may want to experience surrogacy but I also have to be mindful that many lives are involved.
With that being said, I’m exhausted. I am taking care of a household and children. I’m uncomfortable standing, sitting, laying, bending, anything really. I have mentioned it slightly before but I’m going to tell you…. When they tell you to do a psychological evaluation and counseling beforehand, this is why. It takes more out of you than a “regular” pregnancy.
I don’t mean to but somehow I end up feeling secluded and nothing more than an object to get someone to their destination. I feel I have to fight for my voice to be heard in some scenarios and I feel a bother in others.
These are just fleeting emotions (I tell myself to try and “snap” out of it).
I just left the hospital. I had to register and get a check due to my doctor being out of town. Everything is good. Contracting but not dilated enough to be admitted. I will be induced next week. It’s surreal. She will be here and into her mom and dad’s arms next week. We only have ONE more week. We can do this!!!!!
I have 3 weeks off work paid to rest and heal.
I believe I will feel much better in a few weeks.
I’m hoping I have some help when I get home from the hospital. It takes a lot to manage a household, much more after you deliver a baby.
I called a house cleaning agency. They wanted 230 bucks for a deep cleaning. WHAT??? looks like I need to go into that business. Ha.
Alls well. Baby’s healthy. This is what matters.
We continue on!!!!!
I’m overwhelmed with emotions. I have had 2 pregnancies before this and NOTHING can compare. I’ve never cried this much in my life. Everything is extreme.
An interesting fact is that my life has never been this complicated either. It’s hard to tell which is causing what. All I can tell you is my mind is pure chaos.
I’m thankful for a healthy baby. I’m trying to ensure a healthy bond with baby mama. I’m trying to prepare for when baby comes and more importantly after baby leaves. I’m trying to ensure I am a good mother to my biological two.
Mentally I cannot go on (she said dramatically). Physically I’m doing OK.
This is a whirlwind. I have approximately 18 weeks left.
I STILL do not regret a thing. But this is definitely more than I could imagine. I honestly don’t think anyone can ever grasp what the surrogacy journey will involve until they experience it for themselves.
We will continue on.
I’m thankful I can rely on God.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Hoping for good news about placenta previa.
3.4.19. I signed the final contract. It’s official. I’m going to be a vessel of hope. I’m going to give the gift of a bigger family. I’m going to give a baby to a mom and dad who are unable to do it themselves. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby I can. I want to have a good pregnancy. I want to be able to give the baby over appropriately when the time comes.
The clinic is giving an estimated May date for pregnancy. I will go through some hormone shots and prepping my uterus will take a few weeks, also. I’m going to be a mom. Without the mom part.
I pray for this unborn child.
January 3, 2019.
Mama and daddy picked me up from work so we would have time to chat before the appointment. We’ve known each other for years but we have not had a lot of personal contact. I’ve watched the couple go through so much in their journey of parenthood but that is their story to tell.
This is mine.
We hit traffic on the way there from roadwork on the interstate. We ran into closed roads. We got tickled talking about confusing downtown traffic and one way streets. We found the fertility clinic. Finally!!
We spent a time filling out paperwork then we waited. The doctor was ready for us and we went back.
Mom and dad shared their story. Doctor dis used the process with them. They shared a question and answer time. I’m so proud of mom. She’s researched so much. She’s serious and we know it. Doctor looked to me and asked me if I was good? Did I have any questions?
I did not. I told him I’m along for the ride. I’m honored to be able to help this couple. I’m blessed to give the gift of life.
Let’s do this.
He will not see us again until a legal contract is completed. Ok. Fair enough doc. See you soon.
I have desired to be a surrogate for years. I felt the pull after my son was was born because parenthood is so beautiful. I felt it heavily when a close friend of mine lost her newborn child. She ended up being able to birth a child and didn’t need my womb. My best friend was struggling with getting pregnant for years and I offered the option to her but they ended up getting divorced.
Here I am. 32 years old. A church friend of mine has gone through such a long draining emotional process of foster/adoption, ending in a very painful removal of an infant shortly after receiving the child. She had made it known she and her husband had decided on surrogacy with a donor embryo. I jumped at the opportunity. I told her I wanted to pray for a time and ask God to press in my heart what to do. I felt completely accepting to the ability to gift them a child. I asked several close friends and family and decided on yes.
This is huge.
Please respond with replies of support, disagreeance, thoughts and please oh please, if you’ve been a surrogate, get with me!!!
Let the journey begin!
I just want a back rub. I want a person’s touch on my body. I want to feel a release of this stress I’m holding so tightly to. I want to cuddle. I want to spoon. I want intimacy. I want comfort. I want security.
But I don’t want it with just anyone. And I don’t want it without God.
I don’t want someone to tell me why I’m doing or not doing something the right way. I want this world to understand something it more than likely never will. I want an understanding of where I am in life and what I’m trying to accomplish.
I’ve heard it before and I will pass it along. Being with no one is so much better than being with the wrong one.
Life is about time. We have all the time but yet our time is always disappearing. I want my time to be appropriate. I want what’s right.
I don’t know what that means right now. But I know I don’t want to move.
God please keep this true to my heart.
We know that God loves us. He wants us to live the best life we can. He created us. He knew that every day we would fall short. Through His Grace, we enjoy a spoiled life of unconditional love. Does God expect us to be perfect? No. He does expect us to be new in Him. But this isn’t a new that is only on the outside. Going to church. Volunteering that one time and putting it on social media. He wants us to, inside and out, be new. If you still have the same thoughts as before…. Did you really give your life to Him. God wants us to have a new mind. He wants us to think differently. I find myself mentally sinking into a self made quick sand and I suddenly realize, this isn’t what God wants for me. He wants me to soar for Him. He wants me to achieve so much. He gave me a heart of determination and I am to use it for HIM!!! I have hope that God will keep working on me and through me. Many came before me and lost their lives because of their love of Jesus. God chose for me not to have to live that way. God allows me to live in an environment that has the rights to seek Him freely. So I must find, deep within my soul, every day, His love. I must surround myself with challenges to seek Him more. Challenge me, Lord. To love You greater and bigger than yesterday. Prune any branch that does not have Your goodness in mind. Give me a confidence to do what I need to do.
Ephesians 4 23