Quiet creeper, outed. FINALLY!

I was driving to work this morning. Just a typical day. I had found a CD (yes they still exist) from who knows when, Now 5. It was nostalgic. I was jamming hard to some of these hits. Some I passed quickly. EWE at some of the hits back then. I came across Lucky by Britney Spears. The song refers to a celebrity that from the outside has it all and on the inside, she’s just sad.

“If there’s nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night? Lost in an image, in a dream, but there’s no one there to wake her up. And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning but tell me what happens when it stops?”

I realized at that moment that I have struggled with depression since I was a child.

It took me this long (and no it doesn’t matter exactly HOW old I am) to realize it. I remember talking with someone within the past year about anxiety vs. depression. I had mentioned that I had not been depressed, only anxious. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which turns into PMDD during my PMS time. I honestly believed until today that I had not been depressed. I’m a halfway intelligent person. I love learning and researching. How could I miss this? How could I be so close minded to the fact that I struggle with depression?

I believe it’s because I am genuinely a happy person. I enjoy the small things. I can feel amazing just by looking outside at nature. I had it in my mind that to feel joy must mean that I couldn’t possibly be depressed. I can find the silver lining in situations.

I was wrong.

I remember constantly thinking as a child that I was never good enough. I felt I came from a home that was too financially unstable. I always felt like my friends weren’t really my friends. I was only a cheerleader because I was small enough to easily throw around (which isn’t exactly wrong). I remember feeling inconvenient to everyone I was around. I remember feeling like I just wanted to go away. I had friends that felt the same as me, maybe even worse. I learned bad habits from them like cutting myself. I remember sneaking into my kitchen, past my family, taking a steak knife out of the drawer, and I would cut. I would cut very lightly. I would go back to my room, only to later return and do it a little bit more and a little harder. I would wear high socks and long sleeves to school the next day. I found myself trying to balance being cool, being confused about life, being sad enough and being funny enough. I traveled through my schools friend list (before social media existed), trying to find MY people. I appeared to get along with everyone and didn’t really have enemies. I found no comfort in friends. I felt like the friendships I had, I was trying so hard to keep them, were more like a job.

I was EXTREMELY small and always had to defend my eating habits. I didn’t have an eating disorder, I just had small genes. I didn’t mature until years after everyone else did. I looked like I was 10, until I was 17. I had braces for 4 years, and contraptions similar to car engines (pistons and such). I was picked on for my size but no one did it hatefully. I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I was 17, while my friends spent countless hours talking about theirs and the places they went and the things they did. I dove into heavy metal because the lyrics explained the pain I felt inside. I would listen to it at the highest volume, screaming the lyrics while my soul was tired and hurt. High school was not fun for me and depression, it seems, caused the majority of the chaos in my own head.

I guess I have, over the years, started putting things together. It started to really hit home when I was going through a box of memories. I found journals after journals that were filled with depressing poems and scratches of anger pouring out through my beautifully colored pens (obsessed with office supplies to this day. I still pushed it to the side, making jokes about it.

Of all things, of all the music genre’s I listen to, my ride to work listening to old school Britney Spears did me in. The song came on and it took me back to school. All of the feelings came rushing back. The loss of innocence. The immense pain felt only on the inside.

I take this as a God moment. He ever so gently guided me into my own self-realization. I was, and can be, depressed. I can enjoy life. I can rejoice life. I can be depressed. All in one.

It may not seem like a lot to you but for those of you in recovery, admitting is the first step to a beautiful life ahead.

I am thankful for this realization.

P.S. In the midst of this life I was miserably leading, is when I began dabbling in drugs and alcohol. When they say substance abuse is only a symptom, a surface issue, to the real problem, they mean it. Reread this if you need to understand the why? to me using and abusing substances. My story isn’t an exact match to every alcoholic/drug abuser, but there will definitely be some similarities.

Celebrate Recovery and mean it!

I started attending Celebrate Recovery for the first time 13 years ago. I was there for someone else, of course. Those of you that know, know how funny that is. But hey, whatever brings you in!!!

I started seeing the big picture and realized I wasn’t there for anyone else but myself. I was an addict. I was addicted to substances and I was addicted to people. I was addicted to chasing the high and pleasing the world. I can’t tell you which was more dangerous.

I began going religiously but of course, we are always recovering, never recovered. It has been a long process of continuous growth. I had so many unhealthy layers to get through, it has taken this long and I’m not stopping now!

I stopped the substance abuse, which I joke is the easy part. I then started peeling back the layers of unhealthy coping and that is where it has been hardest. I have had to stop relying on anything but God to get me through life. I have had to stop making excuses for my behaviors, choices, attitudes, ALL OF IT.

I began my first step study in 2013 and after book 2, as we were heading into book 3, I broke my ankle in a ridiculous, freak (too old to be doing) cheerleading accident. I was couch ridden for 6 weeks and had to end my step study.

I was upset but I also know God has a purpose.

I was in a marriage that neither one of us was prepared to be in. We had dated off and on for almost 10 years, married for 2. We both had sons from previous relationships and a daughter after our marriage. It was extremely unhealthy and when God says equally yoked HE MEANS EQUALLY YOKED.

We divorced in 2014. The actual divorce was uncontested, 50/50 custody, no child support…. but it was anything but that.

There has been a lot of healing, a lot of hurt, a lot of relying on God and releasing my unhealthy thoughts.

I hid from my duties for a while. I was still praying. Still asking God for guidance. I was not, however, living as I should. I stopped going to church weekly. I would go here and there. I dove into my career in law enforcement and college. I had gained some more unhealthy habits but I was determined to not let go of God.

Romans 5:8

But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

In 2016, I reclaimed my life. I made a promise to get things together. I started attending church regularly. I began finally healing. I came back to CR. I graduated with my bachelors and went to work for DHR (child protection services). It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. I had a few failed relationships. I was living in a big girl world and it took some getting used to. I was working in a world of chaos but I was blessed to have Celebrate Recovery and it’s principles guiding me through life and I was able to share this information with clients that asked. I was able to bring some clients to CR with me. It was wonderful.

In 2018 I really put a seriousness to healing my heart. As a woman, I want to love and I want to be loved. As an unhealthy sinner, I didn’t know how to properly attain it. I put a cross ring on my wedding finger and got down to business. I asked God to remove ALL the things. I did not date anyone. I even took myself on a romantic for one getaway to the Georgia Mountains (it’s in my blog but I don’t know how to link it here). I even made mistakes while I was there because I will NEVER be perfect (no men were involved, only a large amount of alcohol one evening). I was the happiest I think I have ever been.

I continued attending church weekly, CR weekly. I worked hard to put God at the forefront of my life.

In 2019, I reunited with this guy I went to high school with. We had never ran in the same circles but as life would have it, we bumped into each other on duty one day, then another. We began a relationship and are now married. It has not been easy, some our fault, some life’s journey. We both love God and He will see us through.

I am proud to say as of next week, I will have FINALLY completed a Step Study. I put in the work. I attended meetings and went to group weekly. I went when I didn’t want to. I went when I was sick. I went DURING COVID!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing can stop what God wills. I am dancing. I’m not dancing because life is perfect. I’m not dancing because what I want God to fix is fixed, actually the total opposite. Life is EXTREMELY tough right now. I’m dancing because I have buckled down and put in the nasty work. I have answered each and every question with as much diligence as I can. I have answered the tough questions. I have kept in close contact with my sponsor and accountability partners. I have remained faithful.

Please, reach out to a local church. I KNOW there is a Celebrate Recovery near you. I’m asking you to go. Go once, and when you realize how uncomfortable you are, do not let the devil whisper in your ear “this isn’t for you”. Because it is. What some don’t realize is recovery isn’t just about drugs or alcohol. Celebrate Recovery is about Hurts, Habits or Hang Ups. That means that anger that haunts you. That feeling of not good enough. That constant reminder in your brain of that thing that happened years ago. What that person did to you. What you did to that person. Those nasty thoughts you have when people are talking. The way you are terrified to be alone.

It’s helping you achieve a better life. Even when life isn’t better.

Prayer for Serenity

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

                                            Reinhold Niebuhr

Thank you for letting me share.

God is Here!

It is no hidden secret that I have taken my entire adult life to focus on healing (so I may be reasonably happy in this life and SUPREMELY happy with You forever in the next -CR) . I have prayed for God to prune me. I have asked God to convict me of what is not OF HIM. God loves me enough to take the baby (and the backwards) steps it has taken me to get where He wants me to be.

I was feeling pretty good about my work I have put in. Have you ever thought you were doing really good and then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am ever so thankful for the pull of the Holy Spirit, and thankful to those who use it to help others. It’s extremely important to have people around you that are feeding into your end game, not those that drain you. Proverbs speaks of the importance of wisdom. In Chapter 1 Verse 5, a man (or woman) of understanding will acquire wisdom and increase learning. Again in Verse 7, fearing the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and fools despise wisdom and instruction. You get what I’m putting down here. God is VERY serious about always learning. As Paul says in Philippians (3:12) we have not arrived at our goal, but we will continue to press on for what Jesus has for us. Again in 1 Corinthians (9:24-27) we are here for the race and the ultimate prize of a forever crown. We are to go into “strict training”. The Bible does not say, WHOOP you’re saved through Jesus’ blood. You’re done. We are to fight a daily battle. He’s proud. He’s taking us to Heaven. But we are to work while we are here. Work on ourselves, Romans 12:2, by testing, what is good and acceptable and perfect. And work on the world, Matthew 4:19, he is making us fishers of men.

Which brings me to my latest epiphany. I met with a pastor recently. He is the husband of a work friend of mine. I met with him thinking I was going to whine about my life and he was going to pat me on the back and tell me everything was going to be ok and blame the entire world, and not my precious self. This man, with the complete guidance of the Holy Spirit, ripped through the walls of adult coping skills learned over a 15 year period, and got to the very root of my pain and suffering. IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES. I am not going to sugar coat anything. I was raw and angry and embarrassed. I hysterically cried. I waved my hands around explaining that I had already dealt with my childhood pain and I did not want to go through it again. I could not keep my composure. I explained to him that I have been in counseling for years. I have been through step studies with Celebrate Recovery (completing one soon). I had made amends and forgiven all who hurt me. I meant every bit of my work. I was giving my resume, at this point, as a defense mechanism. We only had an hour and I was thankful. I left him feeling so angry. He could feel it but was kind through it all. I always did have to take time to process and am not silent until I do as I should be. Its a character defect.

As I processed, I realized that God had used this poor man to do His work. This man, who was a stranger, showed me that I had not truly given my pain to God. I may have tried. I may have worked through the feelings, but I did not completely give it to God. He showed me by taking me back to when it all started. I was that little girl again, lost and unprotected. This man showed me that God was there and he was waiting to take it all. Not help me manage it, but release it fully.

I have a new lease on life.

No miracles on the outside have happened. My life hasn’t completely taken a turn. Life is still extremely hard for me right now. But I have a peace that I did not have before.

(Philippians 3:12-14)Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

God is here

It is no hidden secret that I have taken my entire adult life to focus on healing (so I may be reasonably happy in this life and SUPREMELY happy with You forever in the next -CR) . I have prayed for God to prune me. I have asked God to convict me of what is not OF HIM. God loves me enough to take the baby (and the backwards) steps it has taken me to get where He wants me to be.

I was feeling pretty good about my work I have put in. Have you ever thought you were doing really good and then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am ever so thankful for the pull of the Holy Spirit, and thankful to those who use it to help others. It’s extremely important to have people around you that are feeding into your end game, not those that drain you. Proverbs speaks of the importance of wisdom. In Chapter 1 Verse 5, a man (or woman) of understanding will acquire wisdom and increase learning. Again in Verse 7, fearing the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and fools despise wisdom and instruction. You get what I’m putting down here. God is VERY serious about always learning. As Paul says in Philippians (3:12) we have not arrived at our goal, but we will continue to press on for what Jesus has for us. Again in 1 Corinthians (9:24-27) we are here for the race and the ultimate prize of a forever crown. We are to go into “strict training”. The Bible does not say, WHOOP you’re saved through Jesus’ blood. You’re done. We are to fight a daily battle. He’s proud. He’s taking us to Heaven. But we are to work while we are here. Work on ourselves, Romans 12:2, by testing, what is good and acceptable and perfect. And work on the world, Matthew 4:19, he is making us fishers of men.

Which brings me to my latest epiphany. I met with a pastor recently. He is the husband of a work friend of mine. I met with him thinking I was going to whine about my life and he was going to pat me on the back and tell me everything was going to be ok and blame the entire world, and not my precious self. This man, with the complete guidance of the Holy Spirit, ripped through the walls of adult coping skills learned over a 15 year period, and got to the very root of my pain and suffering. IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES. I am not going to sugar coat anything. I was raw and angry and embarrassed. I hysterically cried. I waved my hands around explaining that I had already dealt with my childhood pain and I did not want to go through it again. I could not keep my composure. I explained to him that I have been in counseling for years. I have been through step studies with Celebrate Recovery (completing one soon). I had made amends and forgiven all who hurt me. I meant every bit of my work. I was giving my resume, at this point, as a defense mechanism. We only had an hour and I was thankful. I left him feeling so angry. He could feel it but was kind through it all. I always did have to take time to process and am not silent until I do as I should be. Its a character defect.

As I processed, I realized that God had used this poor man to do His work. This man, who was a stranger, showed me that I had not truly given my pain to God. I may have tried. I may have worked through the feelings, but I did not completely give it to God. He showed me by taking me back to when it all started. I was that little girl again, lost and unprotected. This man showed me that God was there and he was waiting to take it all. Not help me manage it, but release it fully.

I have a new lease on life.

No miracles on the outside have happened. My life hasn’t completely taken a turn. Life is still extremely hard for me right now. But I have a peace that I did not have before.

(Philippians 3:12-14)Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

The tough stuff… Part 2

I’m 17. I’m a tiny fish. I move to a big city. I moved to a huge pond. A friend of mine and her father, who was heavily into drinking and masking his problems, had moved up earlier so I followed. It didn’t last long. Me and another friend decided to get our own place. It was a decent apartment with a pool. Little did we know, we were about to head down a road of bad decisions that would only get worse. We had found ourself at a night club several nights a week. It was a candy land of drugs. We took advantage of it. We racked up his credit cards. We lived way above our means. We had house parties until 10am. Stayed up for days. I got a job at a downtown Nashville car dealership. On the outside I was fine. On the inside, I was slowly dying. I bought an almost brand new car. They SHOULD NOT have sold it to me. I snorted cocaine with the man who sold it to me. I found myself being forced for reasons we will leave out. He was a lost soul just like me. Successful on the outside, pitiful on the inside.

I remember doing drugs on the back of the toilet at my job. I had professional attire on and my hair done nice. I would pass out in the break room from being up for days. No one batted an eye.

I remember being picked up by a coworker there. He was so cute. And appeared to have his life together. He had just gotten divorced. We had a short fling until his wife came barreling into the dealership one day. This guy didn’t stop though. He drove drunk to my house with blood all over his shirt. Supposedly he had gotten into a fight at some bar. He was a lost soul too. I asked him to leave me alone. One night he called and I ignored it. He died a few miles away from my apartment. only a few minutes after his phone call. Driving drunk. Ran off a bridge. I imagine he was heading my direction. He was a dad. A husband.

I began working a night job… Get this…. At a strip club. No, I did not take my clothes off one single time. But don’t let that fool you, I was no angel. I worked the front and managed the scene. I remember doing drugs on the back of the toilet there too. I remember stealing from that place. My life was disgusting. My best friend at the time was a DJ there. He was who cared about me. Marv. He always had my back. Even though we were both actively heavily abusing drugs. We bounced around. Hotel to hotel. He lived in them. I had never seen such a thing. There were always plenty of drugs and plenty of people to do them with.

I couldn’t keep my life together anymore. I told awful lies for why I was late. Lies that I’ve had to work really hard to forgive myself for. I found myself in a high speed chase with troopers on a lunch break one day with another good friend of mine. We chunked the drugs and weapons. We went to a hide out place where there were people hiding for God knows what. We felt like we couldn’t leave the house because it wasn’t safe.

I got fired. And I deserved it.

I found money in selling drugs. I brought them from Nashville down to Alabama. I was slinging so hard my head was spinning. I had weeks when I would stay up and have no idea what was what. I remember getting pulled over one time and my driver snitched and we were let go. That didn’t stop me. I made several trip from Tennessee to Alabama and back. I looked like I was barely 16 and precious. No one knew I had a pound of Marijuana in my car. Even when I would get pulled over. I learned ways to mask the smell. I “knew it all”.

I remember a friend of mine I knew from the club overdosing. The people she was with chose not to take her to the hospital. They dumped her out. She died.

July 2006. My best friend Marv died. Heart failure due to heavy drug use. I remember sitting in my bedroom of my apartment. I’ve never been so close to suicide in my life. I prayed to God. I can’t take this anymore. Help me. I had my pistol. I was holding it. This was not the life for me. I could not do it anymore. I had to get out.

God showed up and showed out. I remember closing my eyes and seeing red and white. Bright. I instantly felt relief. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I knew to rely on God, whom I had ignored for so long. I knew Marv could not die in vain. I decided to get clean. I had no idea how but I had to for my life.

I stopped selling everything. I was broke. It took a while but I let the harder drugs go first. I reached out to what was called a doggy daycare. I had never heard of such a thing before but I had ALWAYS loved dogs. I was paid to play with dogs all day every day. I scooped their poop happily. I was safe. No one knew where I was and no one could get to me. This saved my life.

My friendship with my roommate had ended long before then but he finally moved away and took the lease with him. I lived everywhere and nowhwere all at once.

I lived in my car for about 6 months. I stayed sober. That was the only thing that mattered to me. I began a job at a different daycare. I traveled to the parks when I got off work. I would read and people watch. Then when I finally got tired, I would find somewhere to park. Usually at campgrounds. They had free showers. My car was packed full of all my life added up to. I would go into work and say nothing of my life. I would get my paycheck. Save what I could. There was a girl there who had just gotten out of prison. Very similar story to mine she just got caught. We knew a lot of the same people. She was my saving Grace. She didn’t know I was homeless. She let me stay with her at her mom’s one night. It was the best sleep I had ever had. We loved dogs. We loved sober living. She helped me talk the boss into allowing me to adopt this pup.

She was beautiful. Her family disowned her because she had bit. She had long white fur with blue gray spots. My boss said if I could train her, I could take her. It was her and I against the world. She would sleep with me in my car. We would go to the parks and anywhere we could find.

I finally had enough saved up to get a trashy trailer in a trashy trailer park. I could only pay the deposit and rent. I didn’t have electricity. I proudly sat in the dark after spending hours cleaning up cockroaches. I lived at this scary place for a while. I even brought my parents to see it. I was so proud. I can only imagine how scared they were for me. Living in Nashville, all alone, in this environment. But they came. And they smiled.

I met a neighbor. He was from Laos. He thought I was cool Nad I thought he was too. We began dating. I had no business dating. But I was so lonely. His family was nice to me. We did the best we could. I was still actively drinking and smoking my problems away. The environment was dangerous. Guns were pulled. Fights broke out. Dysfunction ran heavily. Chaos ensued. I begged him to allow us to move away from it all.

We moved into an apartment with the help of his family. It didn’t last long. He didn’t want to give up the gangster life. So here I was. Me and my dog. In out apartment. I had a steady job. But barely making it. I ate little to nothing every day. My dog ate well and I had electricity. I was living large. I lost the apartment. I moved back to Alabama briefly but just couldn’t manage there so I can back to Nashville.

I decided to get a second job so I could survive. I began working at Buffalo Wild Wings. A bar. Probably not the best idea. I rocked it though. I had never been a server. I had charm. I made good money. I had a key to the doggy daycare so. I would crash there when I got off my second job. It would be 2am and I would go let all the boarding dogs out to potty,let them back in and pass out on the futon. I ended up quitting the daycare because my boss was also a lot soul and I was making way more at BWW.

I would stay anywhere I could find. I finally decided to move back to Alabama.

I still drank and still smoked… A lot. But from where I came from, I was so much better. I still had an empty chunk in my heart. I kept telling myself it was ok because I wasn’t going to die of an overdose anymore. I want going to go to jail for distribution.

I had boyfriends. They weren’t boyfriends. They wanted one thing. I wasn’t taken on dates. I allowed this behavior because I didn’t know I was worth more. I consumed myself in alcohol to not feel the pain of my life. I was as much of a functioning alcoholic as they get.

I had transfered my BWW job from Nashville to Huntsville. I worked doubles. I NEVER came in late or not at all. I got consumed in the life of a bar. I was lost on a whole other level.

I had ran into a high school friend at a local party. He ran around with “my crew” he was persuasive. We hit it hard. I had realized after years of allowing myself to be treated so poorly that I deserved better. I asked him if he was serious about me. He swore yes. I even talked with his mom about her being o Keith us being together. He was 17 and I was 20. She said yes. He has gone through a lot of rough times. He had quit school and got lost in another world also. His mom was hopeful we would be good for each other.

Little did I know…….. I got pregnant…….

I was so disappointed. We were so immature. We had not been careful. I was an idiot. How would I raise a child!!!!??? I decided at that moment, the fun life was over. It was time to get serious.

It was turmoil. It was so dysfunctional. I won’t go into detail out of respect.

He and I didn’t make it hardly 3 months into the pregnancy.

I was back on my own.

My grandparents allowed me to move into my grandmother’s home. She had recently passed away.

I ran into my high school sweetheart. Told him what had happened, he had been going through a lot of addiction problems also. He had a son. I saw this as meaningful and we began dating again. Only a few months into our relationship (this time around) he mentioned us getting married. It’s what I wanted to hear. Little did we pay attention to us not having many things in common, nor life goals.

He moved in. We did the best we could with what we had emotionally. Which wasn’t much.

I enrolled in college classes. My first semester, I was big as a house. I had my son before classes were over. I had to bring him to take my finals. It was embarrassing but I was proud to do it.

My high school sweetheart and I had many many troubles. But I was so set on making a family that I forced what should have been left alone. I wasn’t doing anything anymore. I was mom of the year, wifey of the year. Took care of EVERYTHING. Focused on God and His will for me as much as I knew how.

I was still broken.

Years into the relationship, we took some bad advice from a counselor I now know had several problems himself, and planned a marriage. We married in January. Pregnant in March. It was devastation all over again. Marriage and babies do not make problems go away. They only magnify the wrongs.

I graduated with my associates degree pregnant with my second child and moved on to my bachelor’s.

We tried so hard. Both of us. But we were two totally different people who wanted different things. We were unhealthy and well… “hurt people, hurt people”.

I found myself at Celebrate Recovery. It was screaming exactly what I had been feeling. Hurts, habits and hang ups. Hey!!!! I have those. It was the beginning of a long road. I have always been naive. Even the street smarts I learned, I still couldn’t get past trusting people when I shouldn’t. And trusting my thoughts when I shouldn’t.

My husband and I had gotten to the point of pitiful. We hated each other and had no idea how to talk. He despised the life I was trying to live and I despised not seeing things for what they were early on. We separated.

He was broken. I was broken.

I was the director of a church nursery at this point. But my personal life was eating away at everything I was trying to accomplish. I could not get past bad decisions. I stepped down from the position.

I moved in with my mom with the kids and he stayed at the house. My mother had just gone through a divorce herself after 28 years of marriage. Neither of us were in a good place.

Here I am. Two children and myself. I’m in school, I’m working full time. I’m hardly sleeping. Barely surviving.

I work really hard to make everything ok but I still just couldn’t do it. I continued to go to Celebrate Recovery. I had began a step study to heal what I had yearned to heal for so long. I was finally at a halfway decent place. Ha.

I had always wanted to be in law enforcement but never had the opportunity to go. I had one. I began reserving for the local sheriff department. I loved it!!! I felt satisfied.

I had a freak accident. I had cheered in an alumni football game 10 years after I had last stepped on a field. The girl holding me in a stunt didn’t let go when I fell. I shattered my ankle. 11 pens and 8 screws and two plates later, I was bound to my couch. Not only that but my mom had found a new love and I had nowhere to go. I was forced back into the home with my estranged husband. I stayed on couch arrest for several months. I had to quit my step study due to not being able to drive. A few months in, my husband and I even gave it another go. That was a no. He moved out to his father’s and me and the kids had the house.

I finally got better and again found myself in a mess at work. I couldn’t get over how naive I was to the real world. I moved to another sheriff office where I flourished. I became lead dispatcher. I patrolled part time. I loved it. I continued my education. I was still broken. I was lost. You realize after becoming sober, that was the easy part. I found myself in unhealthy relationships.

I graduated with my bachelor’s in 2015. A whole lot of debt and many exhausting hours later, I did it. I relaxed how important God is and has always been in my life. I realized I could not keep living unhealthy and expecting peace. I realized it was tien to take serious action for MY RESPONSIBILITY in all of this. Pointing fingers at everyone and everything else was not the answer. I decided to look to God and no one else. It always takes me longer to get it straightened out. I had to analyze all my friendships and relationships. I had to start standing up for what I wanted in this life. For me and my babies.

I gained employment where I could make a difference. I could use what has happened in my life for good. I was able to be a light to others. I was able to continuously work on myself so that I achieved so much more than the devil wanted me to achieve.

I am still broken. But I am healing so beautifully. I’m learning daily what is healthy and what is not. I’m learning that I am responsible for my actions and that excuses will get me nowhere. I’m learning that my love for God will overturn anything that this world tries to offer me.

My children are happy and healthy. I’m transparent to all that look my way. I’m about to begin my masters program in social work.

I. AM.FOUND.

What is what?

I come to you today with a heavy heart. A broken soul. A tired mind.

Once again, I don’t understand.

Can life really be this hard? Can there truly be 3 complete sides to a story? Can one of us be so blinded to what is there and the other be just as blinded?

I’m on my knees. I’m begging God.

I want what God wants. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud. I want peace. But I can’t seem to get it. God, show me.

Proverbs 2: 2-4

Denial

Principle 1: Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am
powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is
unmanageable.

“Happy are those who
know they are spiritually poor.” (Matthew 5:3)

There’s a reason this is the first step. This is the shining star. You don’t accept this, you can’t recover. You know this, a whole new life opens up.

But this is the tough part. The 12 steps only work if you constantly work them. I am 10 years into recovery of my first issues. I am 3 years in recovery for the rest. I am day one in recovery for life. And tomorrow when I wake up, I will continue to admit to God that my life is unmanageable and without relying solely on God, I will fail.