Just dating Jesus

Months ago I made a promise. I had felt it for a couple years but I wasn’t strong enough to fulfill just what I had felt in my heart.

I promised God to focus only on Him. It has been a daily struggle as this world does not care about promises. I have found myself fighting off so much but every time I did, I felt God was shining on me and I DO feel God showing me love through this.

I have made a promise to God. No, I’m not a 13 year old girl whose parents have created this promise for my safety. I’m 32. And I have promised to not allow myself to get lost in anything or anyone. I promise to work on my finances and my goals I have set forth for myself. I have promised to abstain from sex and dating(I will be going into details on this at a later time) .

I have been chastised for this but that is just another fight I’m willing to have. That’s how much this means to me. I pray all day every day. I ask God to come into my heart and work on His will.

I had a desire to buy myself a ring. Not to show off anything but as a symbol of my seriousness. I prayed on what to do because like I said, I have been working on my finances and did not want to make the wrong choice. My son and I went to a jewelry store. I asked the attendant if he had a cross ring. He looked at me funny and said he didn’t think so. I felt such a strong pull. I stood there in silence. He stared at me. I stared at him with my sons hand in my hand. I can’t explain it. Then he said wait…. And went behind the counter and dug to the bottom of the cabinet away from all the light and sparkle. He pulled it out. I knew it was the one. He said it was the only one they had and they had had it for a while. I put it on. I had no doubt in my mind. This was a reward. A blessing. I told him I would take it. He asked to put it in a box but I was so proud I said no thank you. I purchased the ring and I’ve worn it ever since.

An accidental side note. My children have witnessed this transformation. They are proud of me. Of course I did not go into any physical details but I did explain to them the importance of (watch out now, this Christian is about to say the cliche phrase) guarding your heart and how God wants us to seek Him so deeply that a spouse will TRULY have to seek Him also to find them. They’ve witnessed too much of my heartbreak and experienced heart break of their own. They’re healing as I heal. They’re growing as I grow.

I will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

God bless you all.

Signed sealed delivered

3.4.19. I signed the final contract. It’s official. I’m going to be a vessel of hope. I’m going to give the gift of a bigger family. I’m going to give a baby to a mom and dad who are unable to do it themselves. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby I can. I want to have a good pregnancy. I want to be able to give the baby over appropriately when the time comes.

The clinic is giving an estimated May date for pregnancy. I will go through some hormone shots and prepping my uterus will take a few weeks, also. I’m going to be a mom. Without the mom part.

I pray for this unborn child.

Surrogacy appointment #1

January 3, 2019.

Mama and daddy picked me up from work so we would have time to chat before the appointment. We’ve known each other for years but we have not had a lot of personal contact. I’ve watched the couple go through so much in their journey of parenthood but that is their story to tell.

This is mine.

We hit traffic on the way there from roadwork on the interstate. We ran into closed roads. We got tickled talking about confusing downtown traffic and one way streets. We found the fertility clinic. Finally!!

We spent a time filling out paperwork then we waited. The doctor was ready for us and we went back.

Mom and dad shared their story. Doctor dis used the process with them. They shared a question and answer time. I’m so proud of mom. She’s researched so much. She’s serious and we know it. Doctor looked to me and asked me if I was good? Did I have any questions?

I did not. I told him I’m along for the ride. I’m honored to be able to help this couple. I’m blessed to give the gift of life.

Let’s do this.

He will not see us again until a legal contract is completed. Ok. Fair enough doc. See you soon.

πŸ€—πŸ€°πŸΏ

Surrogate beginnings

I have desired to be a surrogate for years. I felt the pull after my son was was born because parenthood is so beautiful. I felt it heavily when a close friend of mine lost her newborn child. She ended up being able to birth a child and didn’t need my womb. My best friend was struggling with getting pregnant for years and I offered the option to her but they ended up getting divorced.

Here I am. 32 years old. A church friend of mine has gone through such a long draining emotional process of foster/adoption, ending in a very painful removal of an infant shortly after receiving the child. She had made it known she and her husband had decided on surrogacy with a donor embryo. I jumped at the opportunity. I told her I wanted to pray for a time and ask God to press in my heart what to do. I felt completely accepting to the ability to gift them a child. I asked several close friends and family and decided on yes.

This is huge.

Please respond with replies of support, disagreeance, thoughts and please oh please, if you’ve been a surrogate, get with me!!!

Let the journey begin!

Single

I’ve mastered a lot in my life. One thing I cannot achieve is single parenthood. No matter how hard I try, I find something I haven’t thought of, something I cannot handle.

In a nuclear family, you’re able to tag team one of the hardest jobs…. parenting. Even an option of having family around to help is close to absent in my world. It seems like every time a family member DOES decide to help, something happens and I’m unable to rely on them for one reason or another and it just causes more stress. (Let me say this, I have two grandparents that watch my kids from the time they get off the bus until I pull up and I’m absolutely grateful for the help)

I work one of two jobs in my day. I come home and instantly am needed by two little bodies. They just want to tell me about their day. Tell me their thoughts. I just want to decompress for a second. That option is off the table. These kids are good kids. They have struggles. I want to be there for them through it all. I can’t. The older they get, the more I realize this. I’m tired. I’m mentally exhausted. I have questions and no one to ask. I have thoughts and no one to be my sound board. I have no one to take over while I regain my composure. I’m me. But me is last. I just don’t want to screw my kids up. I want them to know I love them so much. I can’t do everything though.

Life is about checks and balances. Without one the other goes haywire. Peace is found when there is a balance. I’m here. One sided.

Here’s the crazy part though. I have ZERO desire to find someone right now. I put in years of effort to try and make it work and I have learned so much. But right now, I have no energy to find a relationship. I have no energy to weed through the mess to find someone that is good enough for my two children. I want to be left alone. I can’t waste any more of my children’s time. Their hearts have broken because of me and I can’t put them through that again.

Thank you for letting me share!

Kids in 2018. Us parents don’t understand.

My heart is broken. Seems to be the norm right now. It’s just a season. That doesn’t make it hurt less.

My children have endured a pain no kid should but yet the majority of kids in their generation do. The loss of love.

My son never knew his father and I together. I divorced my daughters father when she was a toddler. They both have relationships with their father but they do not know a nuclear family.

Here we are again years later and my children hurt.

I allowed them to get to know someone before he and I had truly had a chance to get to know each other.

It’s just about impossible to date as a single parent. Him and I were both single parents. We had a hard time seeing each other away from each other’s kids. So that’s how it happened.

Fast forward a few months and we realized there were more things needing to be worked on individually before there could ever be someone else’s someone.

Things didn’t end well. We tried to keep as much from the kids as possible.

Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for.

They also try to fill in the holes in what they don’t know or understand.

We all ran into each other for the first time this evening and it was way more than any of us knew how to manage. The children caught themselves in gossip of drama they had no business discussing nor did they understand what they were seeing.

My heart is broken.

I tried my best to stumble over all of the emotions in my own mind to try and help theirs.

My son ends up crying on the way home. I wanted to but kept it together.

It didn’t go well.

Life is dumb sometimes.

We get home. We eat. I explain to the kids that God wants us to always rely on Him wholly. He wants us to love Him first. God knows who we will be when we grow up. He knows who we will marry. He knows everything. He just wants us to have faith in His good plan. We pray for all of us. We give it to God.

Foster isn’t fun.

Look here. If you are looking into fostering, this isn’t exactly to deter you. What it is is to be raw and real with you. Don’t become a foster parent for superficial reasons.

1 John 3:17 But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?

Don’t become a foster parent because you think the parents suck beyond repair. Your MAIN job is to love these children unconditionally, through all of their brokenness, and to be patient while the parents work hard to try and get to a safe and stable place in their life. Your job isn’t to belittle them while they work. They aren’t you. They dont have the knowledge and resources you do. They are not where you ARE. Your job is to meet them where they are. To respect them as human beings. Can you do this? Yes. Then you have my full support!! If no. Go back to the drawing board and give in other ways. Offer assistance in any way possible.

Acts 20:35 In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: β€˜It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ”