What is what?

I come to you today with a heavy heart. A broken soul. A tired mind.

Once again, I don’t understand.

Can life really be this hard? Can there truly be 3 complete sides to a story? Can one of us be so blinded to what is there and the other be just as blinded?

I’m on my knees. I’m begging God.

I want what God wants. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud. I want peace. But I can’t seem to get it. God, show me.

Proverbs 2: 2-4

Denial

Principle 1: Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am
powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is
unmanageable.

“Happy are those who
know they are spiritually poor.” (Matthew 5:3)

There’s a reason this is the first step. This is the shining star. You don’t accept this, you can’t recover. You know this, a whole new life opens up.

But this is the tough part. The 12 steps only work if you constantly work them. I am 10 years into recovery of my first issues. I am 3 years in recovery for the rest. I am day one in recovery for life. And tomorrow when I wake up, I will continue to admit to God that my life is unmanageable and without relying solely on God, I will fail.

My gpa

I’m not sure I’m going to make it through this without some strong emotions.

My gpa. He has one daughter,my mom. He has one wife, my gma. They are as different as night and day. They are real. They are forever.

My gpa. I don’t remember but my mom tells me I was terrified of him growing up. I remember him being around but looking back, I don’t have a lot of memories of us. Just us. My gpa tells me I cried. I stayed far from him. I was scared. Boy. Was I wrong for all of that silliness.

My gpa is my rock. He is my world. He is my universe. He is my infinity. He loves me unconditionally.

My gpa has been my teacher. He has shown me what a man is supposed to be. He shows me everything. He has LITERALLY taught me. If it wasn’t for gpa, I would have never passed any of my college math courses.

My gpa prays for me. He comforts me. He kisses me on my forehead. Life is good.

My gpa is my neighbor. My gpa is my lifeline. My gpa watches everything that happens at my house. If anyone ever pulls up, my gpa immediately texts me with the vehicle and person details.

My gpa challenges me. He never accepts what isn’t my best ro what isn’t best for me. He always strives to do his best. My main goal in life is to make him proud.

My gpa is my support. He takes responsibility for my children anytime I need him because I have a demanding job and it comes up occasionally.

My gpa is a leader. He leads my entire family. He leads the community. He is nothing short of a blessing.

My gpa

John F Beatty

“Hope now” by:Addison Road. Lyrics

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I’m Yours

[PRE-CHORUS]
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life

[CHORUS]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I’ll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

[PRE-CHORUS]
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life

[CHORUS]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

[CHORUS 2]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
You’ve become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

When a friendship dies

Nothing lasts forever. Wouldn’t it be nice? Even your thoughts are fleeting. You live life one way then the next moment life all changes. In this life, we are taught to lean on others. We don’t survive easily in solitude. But in solitude there is no pain from loss. Nonetheless, we must stray away from solitude.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New International Version (NIV)

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.


But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.

10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.

When you give your trust to someone, you are giving them a piece of your soul. You are a partner. A friend. A friend takes up a large place in your heart.

Every friend I have made has had a special place in my heart. I have learned so much from each friend that has crossed my path. If you are reading this and you and I have enjoyed a friendship, past or present, thank you. I am who I am because of the things God has allowed me to learn from you.

God made my heart big. I haven’t always been very responsible with this big heart. God gave me a big heart but he also gave me a big brain. I forget to use them both simultaneously at times. This means that I can hurt myself. I can hurt others.

Not every person that crosses your path is meant to be a deep, safe, secure, friend. We are to go to God about every friendship, relationship, acquaintance, we have. Why??

There is wicked in this world. The evil is alive and well and he will use any situation to torture your God-seeking soul. The devil uses what is closest to your heart to deceive you. Mine has always been Fellowship. The closer I am with God, the more the devil uses the people around me. It isn’t fair to those people. It isn’t fair to me. The devil has never been accused of being fair. But the devil smells my genuine love for God and for people. And he devours it all. He devours my thinking. He blinds me. I seek God in every aspect of my life. And I still end up a failure. My God is a beautiful God. He uses my failure and picks me back up. God holds me like I can’t explain. Comfort. In the midst of this turmoil. Pain. Embarrassment. Loss of security. Misunderstanding. Scar tissue. Bewilderment.

Proverbs 27:5-6 New International Version (NIV)

5 Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.

God is pure. God is good. God loves me. I love God.

I will continue to pray for God’s will in my life. I will continue to LOVE. I will continue to ask God to sharpen my senses to inconsistencies and inappropriate surroundings. I will continue to pray for all of my friends. Past and present. I will ask forgiveness for my wrongdoings. I will ask for clarification. I will ask for discernment.

Colossians 3:12-14 New International Version (NIV)

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Amen.

You’re not wrong. You’re missing out on LOVE.

Don’t be “one of those Christians” and bash folks who don’t have your beliefs. I love God. He’s my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, my keeper, my daddy. He isn’t yours? Cool. You’re missing out on an unconditional love but you’re still a human being with thoughts and feelings.

We, as this 2018 society, have this idea that if it’s not how we live, it must be wrong.  This isn’t so.  There are so many ways to skin a cat (why is this even a saying, gag).  In my daily life, I have Christian friends. I have friends that don’t believe in anything. I have friends that believe in themselves above everything else. Within all of those categories, everyone believes differently. You can even read the Bible and see differently than someone else.  I believe God knows what he is doing. I believe that God put me on this earth to be his hands and feet and that it isn’t my responsibility to make people believe in God. It’s my responsibility to show everyone love.  If someone I run into doesn’t believe in God, they may just believe in what MY love for God “looks like”.  They will see the goodness in what I (mostly) do.   So instead of bashing you for what isn’t even my business, I will just love ya. Deal?

Galatians 5:22-23

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Anchored

I work day in and day out in the midst of people’s live’s shattering. No matter the circumstances, if I am in your life, you don’t want me there. I completely get it. I wouldn’t want anyone rummaging through all of my life choices that led to this point, either. But here we are. Trust me when I say this, we are all one bad choice from being right where you are. Breathe. Accept what life has been up until this very point. Sit down with me. Let those guards down that you have built so high because of past hurt and present trouble. Let me in. I AM here to help. Believe it or not, it is your decision. But I’m not going anywhere.

We have this hope for our soul; firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19.