Surrogacy journey 22 weeks in

I’m overwhelmed with emotions. I have had 2 pregnancies before this and NOTHING can compare. I’ve never cried this much in my life. Everything is extreme.

An interesting fact is that my life has never been this complicated either. It’s hard to tell which is causing what. All I can tell you is my mind is pure chaos.

I’m thankful for a healthy baby. I’m trying to ensure a healthy bond with baby mama. I’m trying to prepare for when baby comes and more importantly after baby leaves. I’m trying to ensure I am a good mother to my biological two.

I’m exhausted.

Mentally I cannot go on (she said dramatically). Physically I’m doing OK.

This is a whirlwind. I have approximately 18 weeks left.

I STILL do not regret a thing. But this is definitely more than I could imagine. I honestly don’t think anyone can ever grasp what the surrogacy journey will involve until they experience it for themselves.

We will continue on.

I’m thankful I can rely on God.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Hoping for good news about placenta previa.

Love or bust

I’m a lover.

I love love.

I desire it in all ways.

From family, friends, coworkers strangers.

There’s so many different ways of showing love, how could anyone not love love?? !!!!?? !??

Beware of the gray. Loving love can cause confusion, pain and deceit.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23)

I try so hard to respect love as I give it and receive it. My daily prayer is for God to show me better ways of loving and accepting love.

Do you notice ways you could improve your love?

I have found loving myself is possibly the most difficult. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I can learn better ways to love in those ways. I struggle in how to love myself more.

I can be very hard on myself because I’ve seen everything I’ve done and I’ve known the ugly of myself. I expect much from myself. Better every day.

God blesses me every day. He loves me. I want to love like Jesus; in all the ways.

This is me.

Writing down my desires in hopes to accomplish all I ponder.

Amen.

Signed sealed delivered

3.4.19. I signed the final contract. It’s official. I’m going to be a vessel of hope. I’m going to give the gift of a bigger family. I’m going to give a baby to a mom and dad who are unable to do it themselves. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby I can. I want to have a good pregnancy. I want to be able to give the baby over appropriately when the time comes.

The clinic is giving an estimated May date for pregnancy. I will go through some hormone shots and prepping my uterus will take a few weeks, also. I’m going to be a mom. Without the mom part.

I pray for this unborn child.

Alone but not lonely

God bless me.

I’m sitting in church. My children left for children’s church. I’m completely alone. I am the only one in the pugh. And I’m ever so comfortable. And it’s all because of God and His love for me. I used to have such anxiety because I had a spouse that was miserable to be there. Then it turned into I didn’t have a spouse to hold my hand. How beautiful God is to calm my soul.

God has worked a miracle in my life. I sing the songs to praise His love loud and proud. I sway back and forth. I smile and tap to the beat. I don’t feel an emmense pain in my chest. I feel a glow of God. It beams off me.

God is so good to me.

God has loved me when I am unlovable.

God is working on me daily!!!

Surrogate beginnings

I have desired to be a surrogate for years. I felt the pull after my son was was born because parenthood is so beautiful. I felt it heavily when a close friend of mine lost her newborn child. She ended up being able to birth a child and didn’t need my womb. My best friend was struggling with getting pregnant for years and I offered the option to her but they ended up getting divorced.

Here I am. 32 years old. A church friend of mine has gone through such a long draining emotional process of foster/adoption, ending in a very painful removal of an infant shortly after receiving the child. She had made it known she and her husband had decided on surrogacy with a donor embryo. I jumped at the opportunity. I told her I wanted to pray for a time and ask God to press in my heart what to do. I felt completely accepting to the ability to gift them a child. I asked several close friends and family and decided on yes.

This is huge.

Please respond with replies of support, disagreeance, thoughts and please oh please, if you’ve been a surrogate, get with me!!!

Let the journey begin!

Fear and wonder

I am FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made. Psalm 139:14

God reminds us of this time and time again. We are to give our all to him. God tells us not to fear anything but Him. He means that loving. But God means business.

What is even more beautiful, if you keep reading Psalm 139…..

23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

God is our main focus; should be our only focus. How brave is it to ask God to search you? The One who knows everything and sees everything. Nothing is hidden from Him.

Hey God, come in here and dissect my every being. 🙄

God. Please. For real. Come here!!!! 🙇🏼‍♀️

Open my eyes. Open my heart. Open my mind.

I do not understand, Lord. So show me clearly.

I dare you, humble me

The mere phrase.  It doesn’t get it. You can’t DARE humbleness. To be humble, it must not be dared.

A swift kick in the patootie.

Me.

My big mouth.

I come to you today with a heavy heart and a big mouth forcibly closed.

I have worked so hard to improve my every aspect of life.  I have so far to go.

 Phillipians 3:12-14  

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

 

I found myself, yet again, with my foot in my mouth.  I ask God daily  to always come into my heart and work on what HE deems appropriate, that he convicts me of not just what is right but what is wrong.  And boy does he.  Although it is painful, I will never regret or stop asking for him to do so.

I had a moment of weakness yesterday.  I was upset at how a situation occurred.  Instead of going to God about it, I went to a friend.  In doing so, I broke the trustworthiness I so yearn for.

Ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

This is not where my lesson was learned. It gets worse.

We live in a world obsessed with technology.  So there I sit, thinking I was so sly, texting this friend. I set my phone down and carry on with my life.   An hour or so later, I pick my phone up only to realize I sent the message intended for a friend, to the person I was frustrated at.  I was heartbroken. I was instantly remorseful.  Would I have ever been if she didn’t receive the message on accident? Probably not.  I began to fall over my words, almost attempting to cover up or excuse what I had said. I put my phone down and asked God for forgiveness and to continue his ever so big job of working on me.  I picked my phone up and apologized for my poor behavior.  The person never responded.  I can do nothing more.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

I come to you today, practicing humblesness.  I do not wish to challenge God. I do not wish to upset God. I only ask that God remain in me, as he has promised, and that he guide me and improve me in all of the ways I fall short.

Philippians 2:5-8 New International Version (NIV)

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature[a] God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross!

 

 

Amen.