Alone but not lonely

God bless me.

I’m sitting in church. My children left for children’s church. I’m completely alone. I am the only one in the pugh. And I’m ever so comfortable. And it’s all because of God and His love for me. I used to have such anxiety because I had a spouse that was miserable to be there. Then it turned into I didn’t have a spouse to hold my hand. How beautiful God is to calm my soul.

God has worked a miracle in my life. I sing the songs to praise His love loud and proud. I sway back and forth. I smile and tap to the beat. I don’t feel an emmense pain in my chest. I feel a glow of God. It beams off me.

God is so good to me.

God has loved me when I am unlovable.

God is working on me daily!!!

It’s mother’s day. No pressure

You ever notice holidays are a trap? Everything HAS to occur at THIS time and this EXACT way and blah blah blah.

Exhausting.

I learned a long time ago, it’s who you are with and the quality of time spent. Not exact details and times.

I was young. Elementary aged. Half of my family was in El Paso, Texas. The other in Alabama. We spent one Christmas in Bama. The other in Texas. And you know, I never noticed where I was the exact day of Christmas. All I remember is having an abundance of family time and lovin.

Fast forward to now. I’m divorced. My children have a whole other set of family, some that I don’t even know about. My children love their other family. I want them to.

It’s important to me for them to have the best time.

So. Don’t let the holiday consume you. Enjoy who you have, when you have them!

What is what?

I come to you today with a heavy heart. A broken soul. A tired mind.

Once again, I don’t understand.

Can life really be this hard? Can there truly be 3 complete sides to a story? Can one of us be so blinded to what is there and the other be just as blinded?

I’m on my knees. I’m begging God.

I want what God wants. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud. I want peace. But I can’t seem to get it. God, show me.

Proverbs 2: 2-4

Denial

Principle 1: Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am
powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is
unmanageable.

“Happy are those who
know they are spiritually poor.” (Matthew 5:3)

There’s a reason this is the first step. This is the shining star. You don’t accept this, you can’t recover. You know this, a whole new life opens up.

But this is the tough part. The 12 steps only work if you constantly work them. I am 10 years into recovery of my first issues. I am 3 years in recovery for the rest. I am day one in recovery for life. And tomorrow when I wake up, I will continue to admit to God that my life is unmanageable and without relying solely on God, I will fail.

I miss you, little ones.

It’s quiet in the house. Q. U. I. E. T. Not sure when the last time I heard the silence of quiet. My fella worked. His two, at their moms. My two, at their dads. Here I am.

I woke up. Went to work. Got my hair cut. Came home. Trimmed all the trees in my yard with the coolest cherry picker tool ever (thanks gpa). Dragged some limbs to the fire pile. Came in because in April, there’s frost warnings. 🤔💨❄️Cleaned the house. Cleaned all the dog hair, only to watch the dogs leave more behind🐕. Made food. Ate food. Watched some of “my shows”. Did tiny laundry. Decided to soak in some Epsom salt. Then BAM. I look over and see a basket full of toys. My Littles play with them when they bathe, for what seems like hours. Those of you with split families know what I’m talking about. You start the time off excited to get things done. Glad that they have family that love them. As the time progresses, though…… I remember their hands. I remember their voices. I start to imagine what they are doing at their dads. I hope they are having a good time. Snuggling and laughing. Just a couple more days. I will get them back. I will be tickled pink. Then they will start to argue about how the popcorn gets butter on it inside of the bag as it cooks 😊🤔😋 y’all feel me?!!!?? I miss you, little ones. Mommy loves you.

Step family. Still family.

I have been a part of a split family for almost 10 years. I have been a part of another split family for 5 years. I was a step parent and my children have a step mom (or live in female parent). One day when I marry again for the second time, there will be a whole other dimension.

I can tell you 10 years in, I have made more mistakes than I can count and I have learned so much.

I remember when I was pregnant with my son, I was in turmoil. All I knew is I had lived one heck of a crazy life up until I saw that extra line on the urine-soaked stick. My life finally had direction. Nothing I had ever done up to that point mattered anymore. I was going to be a mommy no matter who wanted to stop it. I went to my mother’s work and a coworker of hers told me:

“Don’t ever use your child as a tool against their father!”

I respect that coworker and I respected what they had said. I made a promise to do the best I could to never do that. My son turns 10 this year. 10!!!!!! And no matter the struggles that his father and I have endured, I have never said a cross word to my son and I try my hardest to follow my mentor’s thoughts. My son thinks his father is cool beans and I love that he does.

My daughter will turn 7 this year. Her father and I divorced when she was 3. She loves her daddy with all of her heart. I will never ever get in the way of that. Her father and I do not see eye to eye but I know he loves her and that’s enough for me.

My children will grow up and no matter what they feel, they can never say I was disrespectful about their daddy.

My children have more family than they know what to do with. My children never go without anything. For this, I am blessed.

There are times when we all want to choke each other. Society has this idea that splitting makes everything go away. NO SILLY, think on it. You couldn’t agree on life together, so now you want to agree on life, separately?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? That is why you have to take yourself out of the equation. Divorce (with children) just means you take your PERSONAL feelings out of the raising of your children. You do that and you will be successful in co-parenting!!!!