Surrogacy : Baby Eve

Well we made it. It’s the night before transfer. I have so many emotions. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m hopeful. I’m scared.

My son had a baseball game in town. I had to ask the concession stand for a bag of ice. Actually, I asked my daughter to ask because I got it like that. She brought me a glove full of ice. I tucked it into my suit and continued to watch the game until baby mama arrived. The glove busted so I walked to the car with a wet rear end.

The only way we could do the shot tonight is in the back seat of my car. Oh to be in the mind of those people walking by.

My daughter was big and bad and wanted to give me the shot. I told her no. She got upset. I said, how about you watch baby mama prepare it and then you decide. She’s 7.

Baby mama got the shot ready and my daughter decided not only thst she wants going to give me the shot but she couldn’t even watch.

This is it. This is the last shot before I carry the embryo. Tomorrow at 11am I will be two. Prayers appreciated. Thoughts and any other voodoo welcome also. Operation #bringbabyhome is real!

Love or bust

I’m a lover.

I love love.

I desire it in all ways.

From family, friends, coworkers strangers.

There’s so many different ways of showing love, how could anyone not love love?? !!!!?? !??

Beware of the gray. Loving love can cause confusion, pain and deceit.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23)

I try so hard to respect love as I give it and receive it. My daily prayer is for God to show me better ways of loving and accepting love.

Do you notice ways you could improve your love?

I have found loving myself is possibly the most difficult. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I can learn better ways to love in those ways. I struggle in how to love myself more.

I can be very hard on myself because I’ve seen everything I’ve done and I’ve known the ugly of myself. I expect much from myself. Better every day.

God blesses me every day. He loves me. I want to love like Jesus; in all the ways.

This is me.

Writing down my desires in hopes to accomplish all I ponder.

Amen.

Faith

God tells us to seek refuge and strength. He promises that He is there with us in our troubles (Psalm 46:1-3).

I will find joy in everything.

This world is full of everything we don’t want. This world if full of things we want so badly but they are so far away.

The beauty of having a close relationship with God is knowing he already knows everything. I can talk to Him. Everything I’m doing right. Everything I’m doing wrong.

God loves me through everything. God loves those that hurt me and those I have hurt. I just continue praying for God to give me strength to make the next best step in the right direction. I pray for everyone to make the next best step for them. God be with me. God be with you. God be with us all.

Just dating Jesus

Months ago I made a promise. I had felt it for a couple years but I wasn’t strong enough to fulfill just what I had felt in my heart.

I promised God to focus only on Him. It has been a daily struggle as this world does not care about promises. I have found myself fighting off so much but every time I did, I felt God was shining on me and I DO feel God showing me love through this.

I have made a promise to God. No, I’m not a 13 year old girl whose parents have created this promise for my safety. I’m 32. And I have promised to not allow myself to get lost in anything or anyone. I promise to work on my finances and my goals I have set forth for myself. I have promised to abstain from sex and dating(I will be going into details on this at a later time) .

I have been chastised for this but that is just another fight I’m willing to have. That’s how much this means to me. I pray all day every day. I ask God to come into my heart and work on His will.

I had a desire to buy myself a ring. Not to show off anything but as a symbol of my seriousness. I prayed on what to do because like I said, I have been working on my finances and did not want to make the wrong choice. My son and I went to a jewelry store. I asked the attendant if he had a cross ring. He looked at me funny and said he didn’t think so. I felt such a strong pull. I stood there in silence. He stared at me. I stared at him with my sons hand in my hand. I can’t explain it. Then he said wait…. And went behind the counter and dug to the bottom of the cabinet away from all the light and sparkle. He pulled it out. I knew it was the one. He said it was the only one they had and they had had it for a while. I put it on. I had no doubt in my mind. This was a reward. A blessing. I told him I would take it. He asked to put it in a box but I was so proud I said no thank you. I purchased the ring and I’ve worn it ever since.

An accidental side note. My children have witnessed this transformation. They are proud of me. Of course I did not go into any physical details but I did explain to them the importance of (watch out now, this Christian is about to say the cliche phrase) guarding your heart and how God wants us to seek Him so deeply that a spouse will TRULY have to seek Him also to find them. They’ve witnessed too much of my heartbreak and experienced heart break of their own. They’re healing as I heal. They’re growing as I grow.

I will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

God bless you all.