Insecurity

I’m sitting here……. Lost in my own mind….

How can one person have this many thoughts without an explosion or fire??

Every move this world makes, I imagine the next 3 steps. Why?

Anxiety and insecurities.

Lifelong experience of things going wrong.

My mind is a vulture. It attacks when it smells fresh meat. Fresh thoughts. Good experiences.

Just around the corner it will all crash down. Life doesn’t work out for you, Pattie. Don’t get used to this.

NO!

STOP!

This isnt real.

LIES!

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Everything is OK. It’s not perfect. It has valleys and it has mountains. Beautiful luscious mountains. We wouldn’t appreciate the mountains as much if it weren’t for the valleys.

Praise always.

I will calm my soul. I will be OK. Whatever will be, will be. If things aren’t meant to be, they aren’t. No amount of fear and emotion will stop the truth.

God has a plan way bigger than mine.

God will bless me. One way or another.

Amen.

See the good.

I was giving all of my mind funk to God today. I do that often. It’s the best thing to do. As I was letting Him have it, we were driving down the interstate. We had gone out of state for a vacation to see my best friend (whom I hadn’t seen in 10 years). It was an emotional trip. As soon as I had hugged my best friends neck, I couldn’t fathom the thought of having to leave her again in a few short days…. We grew up together. We were thick as thieves. We went through some rough times together. She was my safety net many times when I had nothing else and I hope I was that for her sometimes, too. She learned the hard way, just like I did, to FROG 🐸 (Fully Rely On God). She truly had given her life to God since I had seen her last. It was the most beautiful thing to see her shine like she was.

Anyway, we had a great time, not long enough though. We said our goodbyes.

I kept it together.

On the way home, I was just begging God to show me what I’m missing. Life is rough at times and I have a hard time managing it all. So there I am, losing myself out the window. I prayed for God to show me a sign. I want God to have control over my every piece of life and I fail. I make decisions without Him being TRULY at the center of it. And I’m tired of it.

So I’m asking Him. TELL ME. God, I’m basically a blonde dumb dumb so if you don’t hit me on the head with it, I may never understand……

Minutes later…. I can’t make this up….. My boo said, look at that. Someone had, in red solo cups, created a pattern in the fence of a bridge that we drove under. It said :

SEE THE GOOD

In big, bold, bright red, bubbly, letters.

See. The. Good.

Yes God. I hear you God. I will do my very best God.

See. I’ve struggled with this my whole life (that I can remember). I don’t know the name of it exactly. Depression. Anxiety. Sadness. Overwhelming fear. A mixture of all. I’ve tried hard to be proactive in seeking to better understand it and make it better in general. It’s a never ending cycle. A roller coaster, if you will. I can honestly tell you, I don’t know if Im doing myself good or harming some days. But today God shouted a sign to me. Not because I didn’t have faith in Him and His work in my life. But because He loves me. He truly loves me. Don’t get me wrong, He isn’t a magic 8 ball that I ask questions to and He gives me a yes, no, cannot predict now, blah blah. He gave me what I NEEDED to hear at that moment because He thought it best. See. The. Good.

Life is too short to focus on the bad. There is so much bad. That can’t be denied. But I NEED to focus on the good. I need to focus on the good of this world, myself and others. I can’t worry about what others think I’m doing or not doing. I need to leave all that to God and just see the good.

So. I leave you with the same message. Life is life. Our treasures are not found here. There will never be true satisfaction and peace until we hit those pearly gates. We give every bit we have to God. We have to seek out the good until good is all that surrounds us in Heaven.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

It’s mother’s day. No pressure

You ever notice holidays are a trap? Everything HAS to occur at THIS time and this EXACT way and blah blah blah.

Exhausting.

I learned a long time ago, it’s who you are with and the quality of time spent. Not exact details and times.

I was young. Elementary aged. Half of my family was in El Paso, Texas. The other in Alabama. We spent one Christmas in Bama. The other in Texas. And you know, I never noticed where I was the exact day of Christmas. All I remember is having an abundance of family time and lovin.

Fast forward to now. I’m divorced. My children have a whole other set of family, some that I don’t even know about. My children love their other family. I want them to.

It’s important to me for them to have the best time.

So. Don’t let the holiday consume you. Enjoy who you have, when you have them!

Denial

Principle 1: Realize I’m not God. I admit that I am
powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and that my life is
unmanageable.

“Happy are those who
know they are spiritually poor.” (Matthew 5:3)

There’s a reason this is the first step. This is the shining star. You don’t accept this, you can’t recover. You know this, a whole new life opens up.

But this is the tough part. The 12 steps only work if you constantly work them. I am 10 years into recovery of my first issues. I am 3 years in recovery for the rest. I am day one in recovery for life. And tomorrow when I wake up, I will continue to admit to God that my life is unmanageable and without relying solely on God, I will fail.

Fail

I come in to work free as a bird. I sit down at my desk and instantly become chained and gagged. I have so many desires for my job. I have so many ideas. None are accepted. The system is broken. The government has an agenda and it isn’t to give the people success.

I KNOW what these clients need. I cannot give it to them. I KNOW what it would take to get these clients the help. I cannot give it to them. I AM sorry clients. I let you down daily.

You yell at me. You curse me. You tell me I don’t care. I care. I promise. I care too much. All I can do is give you the resources I’m allowed and believe me when I tell you this….. I pray for each and every one of you. I pray for your family. I pray for your well being. I pray you accept what help IS offered. I pray that you find your worth. I pray that life works for you. That’s all I can do. I’m sorry I failed you.

“Hope now” by:Addison Road. Lyrics

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I’m Yours

[PRE-CHORUS]
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life

[CHORUS]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I’ll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

[PRE-CHORUS]
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life

[CHORUS]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

[CHORUS 2]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
You’ve become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

When a friendship dies

Nothing lasts forever. Wouldn’t it be nice? Even your thoughts are fleeting. You live life one way then the next moment life all changes. In this life, we are taught to lean on others. We don’t survive easily in solitude. But in solitude there is no pain from loss. Nonetheless, we must stray away from solitude.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New International Version (NIV)

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.


But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.

10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.

When you give your trust to someone, you are giving them a piece of your soul. You are a partner. A friend. A friend takes up a large place in your heart.

Every friend I have made has had a special place in my heart. I have learned so much from each friend that has crossed my path. If you are reading this and you and I have enjoyed a friendship, past or present, thank you. I am who I am because of the things God has allowed me to learn from you.

God made my heart big. I haven’t always been very responsible with this big heart. God gave me a big heart but he also gave me a big brain. I forget to use them both simultaneously at times. This means that I can hurt myself. I can hurt others.

Not every person that crosses your path is meant to be a deep, safe, secure, friend. We are to go to God about every friendship, relationship, acquaintance, we have. Why??

There is wicked in this world. The evil is alive and well and he will use any situation to torture your God-seeking soul. The devil uses what is closest to your heart to deceive you. Mine has always been Fellowship. The closer I am with God, the more the devil uses the people around me. It isn’t fair to those people. It isn’t fair to me. The devil has never been accused of being fair. But the devil smells my genuine love for God and for people. And he devours it all. He devours my thinking. He blinds me. I seek God in every aspect of my life. And I still end up a failure. My God is a beautiful God. He uses my failure and picks me back up. God holds me like I can’t explain. Comfort. In the midst of this turmoil. Pain. Embarrassment. Loss of security. Misunderstanding. Scar tissue. Bewilderment.

Proverbs 27:5-6 New International Version (NIV)

5 Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.

God is pure. God is good. God loves me. I love God.

I will continue to pray for God’s will in my life. I will continue to LOVE. I will continue to ask God to sharpen my senses to inconsistencies and inappropriate surroundings. I will continue to pray for all of my friends. Past and present. I will ask forgiveness for my wrongdoings. I will ask for clarification. I will ask for discernment.

Colossians 3:12-14 New International Version (NIV)

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Amen.

Whose fault are they!?

Society is so worried about pointing a finger at the cause of chaos and violence. Stop pointing your finger and look in the mirror.

Are we teaching our children to be dependent on another being? What about highlighting drinking as a cool way to manage stress? Children consume themselves in technology and parents don’t stop it?

Children forget how to connect with others and grow up to be secluded and incompetent. They don’t know how to manage feelings correctly. They grow up and ruin friendships and relationships until they can’t take it and turn to violence. Violence on others or themselves.

Enter stage left: Me. To clean up society’s bad choices that have now involved and inflicted harm on children.

The. Cycle. Continues.

Structure

I’m sitting here at a supervised visitation. These kids have done nothing but cause mass chaos in the two hours I have been here. The parents verbally get onto them but never follow through on a time out or remove the problem item or any other threats that are given. These children don’t say please or thank you. They don’t say yes or no ma’am. They scream and point instead of using their words. They lash out irrationally. They hurt each other. They hurt themselves.

The parents are half mentally checked out. They have no structure to behave themselves; how do I expect them to parent little thems?

The parents themselves grew up in chaos. They don’t know what anything but dysfunction looks like. I don’t expect them to live like “normal”. I just want safe. I want stable. The children deserve safe and stable.

So how do we get from one extreme to just decent? These parents are exhausted from their life’s choices that brought me here. The children are consumed by crazy being the norm.

Get sober. Get stable. Survive. Then Thrive.

Find positive support. Find somewhere to plug in. Find a better you to be. No one else can do anything for you if you don’t want to do anything for yourself.