Quiet creeper, outed. FINALLY!

I was driving to work this morning. Just a typical day. I had found a CD (yes they still exist) from who knows when, Now 5. It was nostalgic. I was jamming hard to some of these hits. Some I passed quickly. EWE at some of the hits back then. I came across Lucky by Britney Spears. The song refers to a celebrity that from the outside has it all and on the inside, she’s just sad.

“If there’s nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night? Lost in an image, in a dream, but there’s no one there to wake her up. And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning but tell me what happens when it stops?”

I realized at that moment that I have struggled with depression since I was a child.

It took me this long (and no it doesn’t matter exactly HOW old I am) to realize it. I remember talking with someone within the past year about anxiety vs. depression. I had mentioned that I had not been depressed, only anxious. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which turns into PMDD during my PMS time. I honestly believed until today that I had not been depressed. I’m a halfway intelligent person. I love learning and researching. How could I miss this? How could I be so close minded to the fact that I struggle with depression?

I believe it’s because I am genuinely a happy person. I enjoy the small things. I can feel amazing just by looking outside at nature. I had it in my mind that to feel joy must mean that I couldn’t possibly be depressed. I can find the silver lining in situations.

I was wrong.

I remember constantly thinking as a child that I was never good enough. I felt I came from a home that was too financially unstable. I always felt like my friends weren’t really my friends. I was only a cheerleader because I was small enough to easily throw around (which isn’t exactly wrong). I remember feeling inconvenient to everyone I was around. I remember feeling like I just wanted to go away. I had friends that felt the same as me, maybe even worse. I learned bad habits from them like cutting myself. I remember sneaking into my kitchen, past my family, taking a steak knife out of the drawer, and I would cut. I would cut very lightly. I would go back to my room, only to later return and do it a little bit more and a little harder. I would wear high socks and long sleeves to school the next day. I found myself trying to balance being cool, being confused about life, being sad enough and being funny enough. I traveled through my schools friend list (before social media existed), trying to find MY people. I appeared to get along with everyone and didn’t really have enemies. I found no comfort in friends. I felt like the friendships I had, I was trying so hard to keep them, were more like a job.

I was EXTREMELY small and always had to defend my eating habits. I didn’t have an eating disorder, I just had small genes. I didn’t mature until years after everyone else did. I looked like I was 10, until I was 17. I had braces for 4 years, and contraptions similar to car engines (pistons and such). I was picked on for my size but no one did it hatefully. I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I was 17, while my friends spent countless hours talking about theirs and the places they went and the things they did. I dove into heavy metal because the lyrics explained the pain I felt inside. I would listen to it at the highest volume, screaming the lyrics while my soul was tired and hurt. High school was not fun for me and depression, it seems, caused the majority of the chaos in my own head.

I guess I have, over the years, started putting things together. It started to really hit home when I was going through a box of memories. I found journals after journals that were filled with depressing poems and scratches of anger pouring out through my beautifully colored pens (obsessed with office supplies to this day. I still pushed it to the side, making jokes about it.

Of all things, of all the music genre’s I listen to, my ride to work listening to old school Britney Spears did me in. The song came on and it took me back to school. All of the feelings came rushing back. The loss of innocence. The immense pain felt only on the inside.

I take this as a God moment. He ever so gently guided me into my own self-realization. I was, and can be, depressed. I can enjoy life. I can rejoice life. I can be depressed. All in one.

It may not seem like a lot to you but for those of you in recovery, admitting is the first step to a beautiful life ahead.

I am thankful for this realization.

P.S. In the midst of this life I was miserably leading, is when I began dabbling in drugs and alcohol. When they say substance abuse is only a symptom, a surface issue, to the real problem, they mean it. Reread this if you need to understand the why? to me using and abusing substances. My story isn’t an exact match to every alcoholic/drug abuser, but there will definitely be some similarities.

Celebrate Recovery and mean it!

I started attending Celebrate Recovery for the first time 13 years ago. I was there for someone else, of course. Those of you that know, know how funny that is. But hey, whatever brings you in!!!

I started seeing the big picture and realized I wasn’t there for anyone else but myself. I was an addict. I was addicted to substances and I was addicted to people. I was addicted to chasing the high and pleasing the world. I can’t tell you which was more dangerous.

I began going religiously but of course, we are always recovering, never recovered. It has been a long process of continuous growth. I had so many unhealthy layers to get through, it has taken this long and I’m not stopping now!

I stopped the substance abuse, which I joke is the easy part. I then started peeling back the layers of unhealthy coping and that is where it has been hardest. I have had to stop relying on anything but God to get me through life. I have had to stop making excuses for my behaviors, choices, attitudes, ALL OF IT.

I began my first step study in 2013 and after book 2, as we were heading into book 3, I broke my ankle in a ridiculous, freak (too old to be doing) cheerleading accident. I was couch ridden for 6 weeks and had to end my step study.

I was upset but I also know God has a purpose.

I was in a marriage that neither one of us was prepared to be in. We had dated off and on for almost 10 years, married for 2. We both had sons from previous relationships and a daughter after our marriage. It was extremely unhealthy and when God says equally yoked HE MEANS EQUALLY YOKED.

We divorced in 2014. The actual divorce was uncontested, 50/50 custody, no child support…. but it was anything but that.

There has been a lot of healing, a lot of hurt, a lot of relying on God and releasing my unhealthy thoughts.

I hid from my duties for a while. I was still praying. Still asking God for guidance. I was not, however, living as I should. I stopped going to church weekly. I would go here and there. I dove into my career in law enforcement and college. I had gained some more unhealthy habits but I was determined to not let go of God.

Romans 5:8

But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

In 2016, I reclaimed my life. I made a promise to get things together. I started attending church regularly. I began finally healing. I came back to CR. I graduated with my bachelors and went to work for DHR (child protection services). It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. I had a few failed relationships. I was living in a big girl world and it took some getting used to. I was working in a world of chaos but I was blessed to have Celebrate Recovery and it’s principles guiding me through life and I was able to share this information with clients that asked. I was able to bring some clients to CR with me. It was wonderful.

In 2018 I really put a seriousness to healing my heart. As a woman, I want to love and I want to be loved. As an unhealthy sinner, I didn’t know how to properly attain it. I put a cross ring on my wedding finger and got down to business. I asked God to remove ALL the things. I did not date anyone. I even took myself on a romantic for one getaway to the Georgia Mountains (it’s in my blog but I don’t know how to link it here). I even made mistakes while I was there because I will NEVER be perfect (no men were involved, only a large amount of alcohol one evening). I was the happiest I think I have ever been.

I continued attending church weekly, CR weekly. I worked hard to put God at the forefront of my life.

In 2019, I reunited with this guy I went to high school with. We had never ran in the same circles but as life would have it, we bumped into each other on duty one day, then another. We began a relationship and are now married. It has not been easy, some our fault, some life’s journey. We both love God and He will see us through.

I am proud to say as of next week, I will have FINALLY completed a Step Study. I put in the work. I attended meetings and went to group weekly. I went when I didn’t want to. I went when I was sick. I went DURING COVID!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing can stop what God wills. I am dancing. I’m not dancing because life is perfect. I’m not dancing because what I want God to fix is fixed, actually the total opposite. Life is EXTREMELY tough right now. I’m dancing because I have buckled down and put in the nasty work. I have answered each and every question with as much diligence as I can. I have answered the tough questions. I have kept in close contact with my sponsor and accountability partners. I have remained faithful.

Please, reach out to a local church. I KNOW there is a Celebrate Recovery near you. I’m asking you to go. Go once, and when you realize how uncomfortable you are, do not let the devil whisper in your ear “this isn’t for you”. Because it is. What some don’t realize is recovery isn’t just about drugs or alcohol. Celebrate Recovery is about Hurts, Habits or Hang Ups. That means that anger that haunts you. That feeling of not good enough. That constant reminder in your brain of that thing that happened years ago. What that person did to you. What you did to that person. Those nasty thoughts you have when people are talking. The way you are terrified to be alone.

It’s helping you achieve a better life. Even when life isn’t better.

Prayer for Serenity

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Reinhold Niebuhr

Thank you for letting me share.

God is Here!

It is no hidden secret that I have taken my entire adult life to focus on healing (so I may be reasonably happy in this life and SUPREMELY happy with You forever in the next -CR) . I have prayed for God to prune me. I have asked God to convict me of what is not OF HIM. God loves me enough to take the baby (and the backwards) steps it has taken me to get where He wants me to be.

I was feeling pretty good about my work I have put in. Have you ever thought you were doing really good and then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am ever so thankful for the pull of the Holy Spirit, and thankful to those who use it to help others. It’s extremely important to have people around you that are feeding into your end game, not those that drain you. Proverbs speaks of the importance of wisdom. In Chapter 1 Verse 5, a man (or woman) of understanding will acquire wisdom and increase learning. Again in Verse 7, fearing the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and fools despise wisdom and instruction. You get what I’m putting down here. God is VERY serious about always learning. As Paul says in Philippians (3:12) we have not arrived at our goal, but we will continue to press on for what Jesus has for us. Again in 1 Corinthians (9:24-27) we are here for the race and the ultimate prize of a forever crown. We are to go into “strict training”. The Bible does not say, WHOOP you’re saved through Jesus’ blood. You’re done. We are to fight a daily battle. He’s proud. He’s taking us to Heaven. But we are to work while we are here. Work on ourselves, Romans 12:2, by testing, what is good and acceptable and perfect. And work on the world, Matthew 4:19, he is making us fishers of men.

Which brings me to my latest epiphany. I met with a pastor recently. He is the husband of a work friend of mine. I met with him thinking I was going to whine about my life and he was going to pat me on the back and tell me everything was going to be ok and blame the entire world, and not my precious self. This man, with the complete guidance of the Holy Spirit, ripped through the walls of adult coping skills learned over a 15 year period, and got to the very root of my pain and suffering. IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES. I am not going to sugar coat anything. I was raw and angry and embarrassed. I hysterically cried. I waved my hands around explaining that I had already dealt with my childhood pain and I did not want to go through it again. I could not keep my composure. I explained to him that I have been in counseling for years. I have been through step studies with Celebrate Recovery (completing one soon). I had made amends and forgiven all who hurt me. I meant every bit of my work. I was giving my resume, at this point, as a defense mechanism. We only had an hour and I was thankful. I left him feeling so angry. He could feel it but was kind through it all. I always did have to take time to process and am not silent until I do as I should be. Its a character defect.

As I processed, I realized that God had used this poor man to do His work. This man, who was a stranger, showed me that I had not truly given my pain to God. I may have tried. I may have worked through the feelings, but I did not completely give it to God. He showed me by taking me back to when it all started. I was that little girl again, lost and unprotected. This man showed me that God was there and he was waiting to take it all. Not help me manage it, but release it fully.

I have a new lease on life.

No miracles on the outside have happened. My life hasn’t completely taken a turn. Life is still extremely hard for me right now. But I have a peace that I did not have before.

(Philippians 3:12-14)Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Labels don’t decide my life

Life has been a whirlwind. My stability that I took years to build has been slowly crumbling under my feet.

I see things but I don’t…….admit them at first. Now I’m head deep in a life that wasn’t quite prepared to have me in it yet.

I’m reminded of the scripture in Isaiah (26:3) that says God will keep us peaceful because we trust in Him. He does not say the chaos will go away. He does not say that he will shield us from our own consequences. He is a loving God but He is a God that shows us the work that must be done. When we are steadfast, he will help us hold onto peace in the life WE have chosen to live.

This has been an almost all consuming past 6 months. I have found myself letting go of what I KNOW is right and grasping onto fight or flight. That is not what God wants. I have allowed the devil to reach into my home and turn things upside down. The devil doesn’t just attack you, he attacks your family, your friends, your church, your work, your environment. EVERYTHING. When we let our guard down, he comes in on all sides. I have consumed myself with world problems and that was my first and biggest mistake.

In John (14:27) Jesus gives HIS peace to us. Jesus is not the world and he makes it clear so, Jesus giving us HIS peace is beyond our understanding. When Jesus says not to be afraid, He means it.

I have always said, I am not like a lot of Christians. I don’t fight the urge to think God doesn’t love me. I have been blessed with an understanding that He absolutely does and nothing will ever change that. I do, however, realize too late, that I have fallen back into the world and I have to fight to get back out. I have to fight to TRUST that He’s been here. He knows everything before it happens. This isn’t anything new to Him. Even in my mistrust, which in turn, you could say, shows that I DON’T truly understand His love. What a slap to His face and yet He still loves me.

God wants us to love, not with our love, because it isn’t enough, but with His. If I can love myself, my family, my community, with His love, there is nothing greater. Do you ever feel a strong pull to love others with your love and realize THAT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA????

So I leave you for this moment with an assurance that although life is extremely rocky right now, I am dying of myself and becoming new in Him. Again. For the billionth time. Because thank you, Grace and Mercy.

Scripture is forever!

I’ve seen a lot of people reaching out for scripture as we fearlessly (with slightly wobbly legs) walk into the 2021 year hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, knowing who is in control regardless.

One of my favorite scriptures is Philippians 3 12-14:12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Focusing on my own journey, not anyone else’s. Accepting I have achieved some but I have so much more to go. Pushing away from 2020 and rejoicing every step of this year as I near the prize.
Another favorite that I will focus on is Galatians 5:22:But the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
If my actions don’t fall in line with these, I ask God, and my support system, to assist me in pruning them out so that I may be fruitful and my family will prosper from it.

And last, for 2021, and forever, Hebrews 10: 23-25:
23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

I will continue to encourage my people and I pray they continue to encourage me. Not through demands, but love and good deeds. I pray God has placed specific people in my life to do the same for me.

Back from July

Hello all. I have really been feeling a tug to get my writing started again. I hadn’t been on my site since July. I logged on today and read my last post, as I had SLIGHTLY forgotten when the last time I was on. WOW………..

Here we are in December. That post is so definitive to where life was and is now. It’s been a whole 30948459438 years tied into the last 6 months (It feels like it, yall feel me?).

Where I am today? I’m knee deep into a Step Study (Celebrate Recovery, woooohoooo), pulling out all the ick of my life, trying to ensure a somewhat better, stable, future for anyone I may come in contact with. You see, in life, once you are in recovery, you’re never out of it. It’s never complete. It’s ” I’m in recovery” not “I’m recovered”. Yes, I no longer have a substance issue, but the tough stuff stays with you. Triggers happen whenever. Plus, I never finished a full study so I am VERY excited to have the opportunity to complete what I started years ago. I have hurts, habits and hang ups that I work on daily. Some old, some new. All being dealt with at the hand of a SUPER strong sponsor, a glorious and imperfect group of ladies and God.

The funny thing about working on yourself….the devil listens very intently to that. It’s his playing field. He tap dances on our attempts and successes in life. Well listen here, jerk, God’s got this. I am not living in fear. I am living proof that God reigns and will always.

We are all living in this pandemic filled, life. Everyone is teetering on the idea of being too careful and not being careful enough. Do we trust the world, or not? It’s an every day, where am I at TODAY, kind of life.

I have since changed jobs. I am no longer in social work. I am a special education assistant at a virtual learning school. It does not fill my soul like caseworking but I am very thankful for the uplifting environment. I get wellness breaks and we have book studies. It’s definitely a different life.

I am working on finding ways to feed my helping heart. One way is I am co-leading a group for any and all struggles. It’s helps me stay focused on good vibes and it’s helping out others. Win win.

My best dog friend dies suddenly. It hit hard for the family. She was the tiniest boxer, and those that know the story, know I fought HARD to get her back when she strangely disappeared years ago. We gave her the best life we could for 6 years.

The fiance and I attempted several different times in several different ways, a wedding, but it just didn’t work out. We had Covid, life and location issues the first time, the second time, one of our pastors and the grandparents had Covid. We ended up going to the jail at bonding and visitation and had our friend stamp her seal on the marriage license and took it to the courthouse to pay our fees. What a strange way to make a lifelong decision. I did call his and my pastor to meet us at the courthouse for a prayer and blessing. THAT was special. We are hoping to have a wedding ceremony in 2021.

You see, like I said before. The devil attacks. He’s been attacking us hard. I have dropped to my knees, screamed in my car, outside, anywhere, I have had a prayer chain of strong in faith believers, loud prayers for protection over our family.

We lost my husband’s father this year. It was inevitable but unexpectedly abrupt. I had just spent the last year getting to know him and, like always, it feels so unfinished. The last moment with him, he was in his big chair. He was mostly conscious. I sat in his lap and we just held each other. Tightly. God blessed me with that moment. He blessed both of us with that moment. Matter of fact, he blessed the hubs, also, as he was standing directly in front of us. The hubs went on a special men’s 4-day retreat in July and his father passed away while he was gone. His mother sent me on a plane to Ohio to tell him and get him back safely. We barely made it back in one mental piece. Our lives have been completely turned upside down since his father got sick.

Hubs left his job as a deputy to pursue a state trooper life but decided against it and has since returned to being a deputy. We have talked about building a house, we are working out land options with my grandfather, but timing and Covid are everything. 5 people in our tiny house is a struggle but I’m bound and determined to make sure it’s Gods timing and not ours.

My mother and grandparents have self quarantined due to health issues and is has been hard on us all. I miss them. I try to visit my grandparents on their porch for coffee time when I can and I try to connect with my mother on the phone often. I’m trying to respect their space and worries, but at the same time, I struggle with loss of time spent.

I just keep praying that God will intervene where He already knows it’s needed. I just keep praying.

Scriptures that I have been holding onto are:

Proverbs 16:9- In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.

Philippians 3:12-14- Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that which Christ took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 43:19-For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! DO you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

1 Chronicles 16:11- Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek his presence continually.

Who I get to be is because of who they were.

I breathe in. I breathe out.

Air. Oxygen.

Life.

A gift.

I look over and see a man. A strong man. A sexy man. A broken man. A recovering man. His chest rises, then falls. His nose flares. I notice the stuble on his cheek. (I imagine when he wakes up, asking him to pluck the good ones. He tells me no. I pucker up. He allows me a few in exchange for my happiness.)

God has shown me in ways I don’t have time to tell, how to love better; how to manage my anger; how to show true love and kindness. I’m able to work this out with him. I fail but I give it my all. I love because God loves me.

God is allowing me to love this man through the hardest time of his life. I am showing him love that isn’t always reciprocated right now because I believe in God’s promises and I believe in this man.

I am grateful to his late wife. I appreciate her giving me the gift of raising her son in her honor. I did not know her but I have learned from her son and husband and other family members, who she was. I make sure to talk with his son about his mother often. I listen to stories of her life before Heaven.

Loving a widower can be confusing and painful. There are feelings of never being able to fill the shoes of a Saint, knowing if the wife didn’t die, your relationship wouldn’t exist. The contradiction your heart feels between jealous moments and heartbreak for the survivors can be a lonely place at times. I could live in those moments and be unhappy but I choose to focus on the gift of knowing my man does not know the bitterness of divorce and the complicated ongoing frustrations of raising children in separate homes. He had an in tact marriage that wasn’t perfect but that ended as God intended, till death do us part. It was way too early and painful beyond my imagination but she and he were blessed to have had the marriage they did.

I am where I am today because of their life together. Thank you, B.

Surrogacy Journey: Post Partum

Moments after baby Kate was delivered, I was up and about. I felt amazing. Sore. But good. I got home the next evening, worn out but manageable. Started with a headache that caused me to cry out in pain and agony any time I wasn’t laying down.

I got scared.

We went to the hospital the next morning. They pumped me full of pain medicine, gave me a prescription and said if it wasn’t better by Monday, another epidural would be done to do a blood patch to fix the leak. I go home, miserably. I slept the rest of the night, the entire next few days. Some family and friends came in and out but the main focus was me and sleep. I was given several 2 liters of mountain dew. I don’t drink cokes. It was A LOT of caffeine.

Post partum day Wednesday, I started to feel better. By Thursday I had no pain when I got up. Praise God.

Now on to the fun part.

Hormones.

I’m a passionate person. I knew it would be an emotional ride.

This pregnancy, as you’ve read before, has been the most emotional. I had hoped the post partum wouldn’t be, but as patterns so often show, it has been WILD. I am extremely loving and sensitive and caring and hurting.

This comes at a rough time in my personal life as it has a very complicated few levels to it right now. I’m praying I level out before I go to work. At this point, I wouldn’t make it. … professionally.

I wanted to compartmentalize my emotions to only focus on baby stuff. That has not happened.

My surrounding support are so nervous that I’m going to freak over the loss of attachment of baby Kate. They tiptoe around me. They talk amongst themselves. When I say it honestly truly does not bother me at all, the cord was cut and my job was complete, it’s like it flips. Now I’m supposed to be perfectly fine with no issues.

Hold up people. I wrecked my body for 1 year and now it’s my responsibity to obtain a healthy post baby mindset, weight and life.

Oh ok. Let me just get right on that.

I need support but not in sadness of a baby lost.

I need support in regaining my mentality. I need support while I cry. I do not need you to tell me it’s nothing to cry about or get angry that I cry. I’m holding onto my kids a little tighter because I made them and they are beautiful miracles and I’m blessed for it. I need you to not question my emotions unless I’m showing signs of hurt in myself. Be here for me.

Let’s laugh. Let’s cry. Let’s keep rocking along through this journey. It ain’t over yet. And I’m ready to continue through the journey of life.

Surrogacy Journey. It. Is. Finished.

January 9, 2020. 650am. 7 lbs 8 Oz. Baby Kate entered the world.

I did it. I succeeded. I completed the task I began over a year ago. What a blessing.

For this child, we all have prayed.

The daddy, mama, and brother are so in love.

I haven’t met her yet but hoping to after I get discharged today.

It was my third birth. The easiest birth I’ve had. I went in at 7pm Wednesday evening. They started medication and I began immediately contracting.

It was a fast process. My water broke at around 330am. I made it until around 8 cm before I begged for an epidural. Contractions ARE THE WORST PAIN. I was having them every minute. No kidding. By the clock, every 30 seconds or so I was in and out of contractions. My boyfriend had dropped me off but due to how fast it was going, decided to stay with me. He really showed up and showed out. He talked me through my breathing. Getting an epidural in between contractions is quite possibly the most irritating experience. The doctor just wants to tap my spinal cord. I just want to punch her in the face. I keep breathing. She sticks me. I’m thankful for modern medicine.

My boyfriend got my phone and called the list of people to let them know we were way ahead of schedule.

My blood pressure drops and they have to give me some meds to spike it back up. I also have oxygen. Not going to lie. It scared me. I just kept telling myself. I can’t give birth if I pass out. I found something to focus on and gazed hard until I elevated.

My doctor, who has been my doctor for all births, had to be woken up and staggered into the room (I’m being slightly dramatic). He’s the best doctor. He’s low key and I love it. He said let’s do this. I begged for them to wait a few more minutes. I promised my 8 year old that she could be in the delivery room as long as she could manage it. My sister (kinda) brought her up there. They rushed her into the room. She held my hand and kept her composure the entire time. She is the most amazing tiny human. She loved it. We pushed and pushed. And baby girl made her appearance st 650!! Mama and daddy were tickled. They immediately took her, got her cleaned up and left the room for another room.

They cleaned me up and that was that.

Just like that.

It’s over.

Post partum:

I had a spinal leak from the epidural. It was excruciating. I was told to drink caffeine all day. Drinking caffeine after being up for 30 hours is a scary mix. It’s slowly tapering off. It was the longest day. I had several visitors. Social media exploded with the celebration of this beautiful baby girls life. By the evening, I was pooped. Everyone went home. I had the room to myself. I was able to finally shower, get jammies on and crawl into the (most uncomfortable) bed.

I slept.

Sleep is beautiful.

Now on to getting back to life. My body will need to heal. I will need to dry my milk up. I will need to mentally get myself back to normal. I will have 3 weeks off of work but I will eventually have to start back. I’ve missed my caseload families but I have thoroughly enjoyed being off and creating a baby! I will need to readjust me and my family’s lifestyle.

God. Is. So. Good.

Surrogacy journey: 38 weeks. Real talk.

I’ve held off on posting my real emotions. This is a delicate situation. 38 weeks pregnant. No spouse. No responsibilities after baby arrives. A family in waiting for their forever blessing to arrive. Nothing about this pregnancy is what society calls normal.

I started blogging this journey for anyone out there who may want to experience surrogacy but I also have to be mindful that many lives are involved.

With that being said, I’m exhausted. I am taking care of a household and children. I’m uncomfortable standing, sitting, laying, bending, anything really. I have mentioned it slightly before but I’m going to tell you…. When they tell you to do a psychological evaluation and counseling beforehand, this is why. It takes more out of you than a “regular” pregnancy.

I don’t mean to but somehow I end up feeling secluded and nothing more than an object to get someone to their destination. I feel I have to fight for my voice to be heard in some scenarios and I feel a bother in others.

These are just fleeting emotions (I tell myself to try and “snap” out of it).

I just left the hospital. I had to register and get a check due to my doctor being out of town. Everything is good. Contracting but not dilated enough to be admitted. I will be induced next week. It’s surreal. She will be here and into her mom and dad’s arms next week. We only have ONE more week. We can do this!!!!!

I have 3 weeks off work paid to rest and heal.

I believe I will feel much better in a few weeks.

I’m hoping I have some help when I get home from the hospital. It takes a lot to manage a household, much more after you deliver a baby.

I called a house cleaning agency. They wanted 230 bucks for a deep cleaning. WHAT??? looks like I need to go into that business. Ha.

Alls well. Baby’s healthy. This is what matters.

We continue on!!!!!