God is Here!

It is no hidden secret that I have taken my entire adult life to focus on healing (so I may be reasonably happy in this life and SUPREMELY happy with You forever in the next -CR) . I have prayed for God to prune me. I have asked God to convict me of what is not OF HIM. God loves me enough to take the baby (and the backwards) steps it has taken me to get where He wants me to be.

I was feeling pretty good about my work I have put in. Have you ever thought you were doing really good and then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am ever so thankful for the pull of the Holy Spirit, and thankful to those who use it to help others. It’s extremely important to have people around you that are feeding into your end game, not those that drain you. Proverbs speaks of the importance of wisdom. In Chapter 1 Verse 5, a man (or woman) of understanding will acquire wisdom and increase learning. Again in Verse 7, fearing the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and fools despise wisdom and instruction. You get what I’m putting down here. God is VERY serious about always learning. As Paul says in Philippians (3:12) we have not arrived at our goal, but we will continue to press on for what Jesus has for us. Again in 1 Corinthians (9:24-27) we are here for the race and the ultimate prize of a forever crown. We are to go into “strict training”. The Bible does not say, WHOOP you’re saved through Jesus’ blood. You’re done. We are to fight a daily battle. He’s proud. He’s taking us to Heaven. But we are to work while we are here. Work on ourselves, Romans 12:2, by testing, what is good and acceptable and perfect. And work on the world, Matthew 4:19, he is making us fishers of men.

Which brings me to my latest epiphany. I met with a pastor recently. He is the husband of a work friend of mine. I met with him thinking I was going to whine about my life and he was going to pat me on the back and tell me everything was going to be ok and blame the entire world, and not my precious self. This man, with the complete guidance of the Holy Spirit, ripped through the walls of adult coping skills learned over a 15 year period, and got to the very root of my pain and suffering. IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES. I am not going to sugar coat anything. I was raw and angry and embarrassed. I hysterically cried. I waved my hands around explaining that I had already dealt with my childhood pain and I did not want to go through it again. I could not keep my composure. I explained to him that I have been in counseling for years. I have been through step studies with Celebrate Recovery (completing one soon). I had made amends and forgiven all who hurt me. I meant every bit of my work. I was giving my resume, at this point, as a defense mechanism. We only had an hour and I was thankful. I left him feeling so angry. He could feel it but was kind through it all. I always did have to take time to process and am not silent until I do as I should be. Its a character defect.

As I processed, I realized that God had used this poor man to do His work. This man, who was a stranger, showed me that I had not truly given my pain to God. I may have tried. I may have worked through the feelings, but I did not completely give it to God. He showed me by taking me back to when it all started. I was that little girl again, lost and unprotected. This man showed me that God was there and he was waiting to take it all. Not help me manage it, but release it fully.

I have a new lease on life.

No miracles on the outside have happened. My life hasn’t completely taken a turn. Life is still extremely hard for me right now. But I have a peace that I did not have before.

(Philippians 3:12-14)Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Surrogacy appointment #1

January 3, 2019.

Mama and daddy picked me up from work so we would have time to chat before the appointment. We’ve known each other for years but we have not had a lot of personal contact. I’ve watched the couple go through so much in their journey of parenthood but that is their story to tell.

This is mine.

We hit traffic on the way there from roadwork on the interstate. We ran into closed roads. We got tickled talking about confusing downtown traffic and one way streets. We found the fertility clinic. Finally!!

We spent a time filling out paperwork then we waited. The doctor was ready for us and we went back.

Mom and dad shared their story. Doctor dis used the process with them. They shared a question and answer time. I’m so proud of mom. She’s researched so much. She’s serious and we know it. Doctor looked to me and asked me if I was good? Did I have any questions?

I did not. I told him I’m along for the ride. I’m honored to be able to help this couple. I’m blessed to give the gift of life.

Let’s do this.

He will not see us again until a legal contract is completed. Ok. Fair enough doc. See you soon.

🤗🤰🏿

Soul searchin

My heart is so broken. My heart is so sad. My body aches with pain. I’ve gone over and over and over. What could I have done different? What did I do so wrong? What did I miss? How can a single heart take what I have put mine through.

All I know is to seek God. He fulfills me. He is my all. He doesn’t want me to hurt. He doesn’t want me to live in agony. He wants me to ask myself what I am going to do to heal.

I don’t know.

I can only be responsible for me. I can pray for God to work in others lives but it’s not my cross to bear. I have to ask what I can do to improve. I have to find forgiveness. I have to find peace. I have to dive into my Heavenly Father’s arms and ask that he hold me so tight. I am enough. His love for me is enough.

Amen.

Excuse me sir, you have something in your eye

I have a hard time listening to a person discussing someone else’s faults. Nonetheless, I have been caught doing the same thing.

Psalms 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Thank you God, for knowing us and giving us Your Grace!

I have done almost anything there is to do wrong in life. The beauty in that is that I am able to admit this. NOW. If we stop looking inward at what we are doing, and focus on the outward of what others are doing, what are we REALLY accomplishing? NOTHING. I still fail today. Yesterday. And probably tomorrow. But I feel like that helps me share God’s grace to others (most of the time).

Matthew 7: 1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

I absolutely LOVE the Bible. God knew these problems would continue beyond all years. He allowed flawed humans to create it, knowing we could use it for life. His ever so careful and kind and loving and precise love pours out onto the pages.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. ~ Ephesians 4:2-3

So without sounding so totally gushy and mushy and fake, I mean this as real as possible. Love. Love wins.

Next time you want to bash someone for doing something you think is less than….. Use your love for God to show them love. Even if that love is not saying anything at all. That’s OK. God doesn’t expect us to be Him. God doesn’t expect us to be perfect. So if shutting up is the best option. Do that.

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:1-3