Doing what’s right?

It’s overwhelming to realize you are doing something wrong. Unless you are a complete jerk, you genuinely think you’re doing something right…..Until you don’t.

I’m a giver. But I heard tonight from something I was watching that if you aren’t listening to God then you may be giving wrong. The example used was if you gave someone something but God wanted the person behind you to be blessed and bless by giving that same thing away, you took their blessing away. Wow. Powerful.

We have to listen to God. In all things. We have to accept that God is right and sometimes we aren’t.

Proverbs 21:2 says that we may think we are right but God examines our hearts.

God, come into my heart and examine it. Help me to listen to Your will and not do anything out of selfish reasons.

Help me to accomplish the big plans I have for my future and do it ONLY under Your will.

Amen.

Signed sealed delivered

3.4.19. I signed the final contract. It’s official. I’m going to be a vessel of hope. I’m going to give the gift of a bigger family. I’m going to give a baby to a mom and dad who are unable to do it themselves. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby I can. I want to have a good pregnancy. I want to be able to give the baby over appropriately when the time comes.

The clinic is giving an estimated May date for pregnancy. I will go through some hormone shots and prepping my uterus will take a few weeks, also. I’m going to be a mom. Without the mom part.

I pray for this unborn child.

Surrogate beginnings

I have desired to be a surrogate for years. I felt the pull after my son was was born because parenthood is so beautiful. I felt it heavily when a close friend of mine lost her newborn child. She ended up being able to birth a child and didn’t need my womb. My best friend was struggling with getting pregnant for years and I offered the option to her but they ended up getting divorced.

Here I am. 32 years old. A church friend of mine has gone through such a long draining emotional process of foster/adoption, ending in a very painful removal of an infant shortly after receiving the child. She had made it known she and her husband had decided on surrogacy with a donor embryo. I jumped at the opportunity. I told her I wanted to pray for a time and ask God to press in my heart what to do. I felt completely accepting to the ability to gift them a child. I asked several close friends and family and decided on yes.

This is huge.

Please respond with replies of support, disagreeance, thoughts and please oh please, if you’ve been a surrogate, get with me!!!

Let the journey begin!

Kids in 2018. Us parents don’t understand.

My heart is broken. Seems to be the norm right now. It’s just a season. That doesn’t make it hurt less.

My children have endured a pain no kid should but yet the majority of kids in their generation do. The loss of love.

My son never knew his father and I together. I divorced my daughters father when she was a toddler. They both have relationships with their father but they do not know a nuclear family.

Here we are again years later and my children hurt.

I allowed them to get to know someone before he and I had truly had a chance to get to know each other.

It’s just about impossible to date as a single parent. Him and I were both single parents. We had a hard time seeing each other away from each other’s kids. So that’s how it happened.

Fast forward a few months and we realized there were more things needing to be worked on individually before there could ever be someone else’s someone.

Things didn’t end well. We tried to keep as much from the kids as possible.

Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for.

They also try to fill in the holes in what they don’t know or understand.

We all ran into each other for the first time this evening and it was way more than any of us knew how to manage. The children caught themselves in gossip of drama they had no business discussing nor did they understand what they were seeing.

My heart is broken.

I tried my best to stumble over all of the emotions in my own mind to try and help theirs.

My son ends up crying on the way home. I wanted to but kept it together.

It didn’t go well.

Life is dumb sometimes.

We get home. We eat. I explain to the kids that God wants us to always rely on Him wholly. He wants us to love Him first. God knows who we will be when we grow up. He knows who we will marry. He knows everything. He just wants us to have faith in His good plan. We pray for all of us. We give it to God.