There is something very strong going on here. Very strong.
Almost scaring me.
No. It is scaring me.
There is an evil in this world. We cannot be fully responsible for it. We are not that big and bad. We are not that powerful.
It is all around us.
Our worst fears, as adults, are real scenarios. It’s not a fantasy monster. It’s the fear of failure, death, pain, whether mental or physical. These are real. And they hurt.
I have asked God to come into my life and wreak havoc on my soul so that I could be “the person, the person I’m looking for, is looking for” (- Andy Stanley) . But my faith in God has also allowed me to say, if that is not an option, to learn to be satisfied.
I am afraid that as I asked God to come in, the devil weaseled his way in, also. HARD.
There’s always the possibility that this is just life. That the devil isn’t here attempting to e a t my soul at every moment. But it does not feel that way right now.
Just in the past few weeks, issues have surrounded me. Not, oh no I stubbed my toe and spilled my coffee, issues. Issues that could be life changing. These issues have something in common…..XY chromosome….
Out of respect of those XY chromosomes, I will not go into detail but I sit here tonight, my chest is in pain and I’m frustrated. I have attempted to get in contact with a handful of respectful females that I know I can count on to help me appropriately work through my problems.
No one is answering.
But I’m OK.
It’s not hidden that I have anxiety.
I will talk it out.
At the end of the day, I know we are all human. We all live the best we can. Sometimes we can have conflict. Sometimes we accidentally step on boundaries because we are unsure of how to respect them.
I have been on both sides.
I can tell you that tonight, this week, the past few weeks, boundaries have been stomped on.
God, please come into my heart so I know how to manage these feelings.