Surprise world, we’re public

It’s been a few months. Some of the best days. Some of the hardest days.

We are getting to know each other. We are learning what we want out of life.

Some days it feels like a fairy tale. Some days I sit back and watch this man in the greatest pain of his life with no way to help him heal besides saying, “I’m here”.

There have been bumps in our road, but I’m determined.

On a whim, our relationship has gone public in the community. There’s mixed feelings. Most people support us and feel we are a great match. We care about our community and serve daily. We love God and we want to enjoy our lives together A few have very negative thoughts on us that are simply not true.

It’s only been a few months since the passing of his wife. We honor her. She’s a part of our journey. She isn’t here anymore and we are not in the wrong. Would either of us think this would have happen. No. But it did. And it’s the most beautiful journey of our lives.

The community will get bored and forget we exist. They will go about their business and leave us to live in peace.

Until then, we will continue with our lives. Every day will present new challenges and new adventures and I want nothing more than to spend my life with this man, discovering all we have to offer.

I’ve never felt more like I matter. This man has chosen me to be his person. Me. Me?

I’m honored. I feel like my world is opening up.

Until next time.

The hard part

No one will understand.

Why can’t I just do something easy or “normal”?

I was contacted by this God send after his wife passed away from a long painful battle with an angry and unbiased cancer.

He was the best husband. He loves his wife with all that he has. She was blessed by him and him, her. I love their love.

He fought so hard for her. He used his place in the community to raise funds to get her the best help available.

He gained 3 years with her. But he feels defeated in the end by her loss of life.

This is the hard part.

I will not tell you their story because it is not mine to tell. I will, however, explain my place in this situation.

He and I had an instant connection!

E had intentions of taking things slow. That’s not us.

We are in a dating relationship. It’s unlike anything else. All the good. All the bad. We are learning each other daily.

The outside world is questioning our sanity. We get it but we trust God.

God is here

I serendipitously ran smack dab into a situation I never thought I would be in.

I went on a call a time ago. God spoke to me loudly while I was on scene. I didn’t understand the word spoken, “here”. Here?

God?

Have you lost your mind?

I’ve only heard God loud and clear twice in my life. It startled me. I didn’t beleive it. I’m still overwhelmed with it.

But I listened. I began praying. I prayed for everyone involved.

I also followed His will. I was still and let God. This is a new concept He has been showing me.

……….

Surrogacy : scared but hopeful

I had an incident yesterday. Around 11 o clock I had to go to the bathroom. Blood dumped out. I’ve never had this happen.

I called baby mama. I called doctor. I called my OB.

My baby mama got there in record time. We sat, she cried, I held her. This is all such a whirlwind. We Googled and pondered and Googled some more.

The fertility clinic couldn’t see me until the following morning.

We decided to go to the Emergency Room.

We didn’t have to wait long. My grandfather came and sat with us. He’s a Saint if there ever was one.

We went to a private room. They decided due to symptoms they would put use a catheter and put an IV. We then had an ultrasound.

There was a gestational sack and a yolk but no pole or heartbeat. My hcg levels were high, 13991. The nurse came in and discharged us with more questions than we had answers.

We meet at baby mamas home this morning and ride together. We talk about all the things. Her teaching at the end of the school year problems, my eating habits, etc. We arrive to the fertility clinic and sign in. We are both a nervous wreck.

I get my blood drawn and we go to room #2. Our crnp comes in and vaginally scans me. She sees the sack, the pole, the yolk. She just can’t see a heartbeat.

She wants to believe she saw a flicker but she just can’t say. She wants us to come back Friday but due to it being only 2 days, she opts for Monday…..until we realize Monday is Memorial Day…. Tuesday it is…… That’s basically 202697 forevers.

This is all we know.

If I begin to bleed again, I will go back to the emergency room. If not, we will have definite answers Tuesday.

Always stay prayin’

It went down. Way down. Way south.

IMPLANTATION DAY!

We made it.

I woke up too early. I tried to work but was not successful. I got my children ready for school and out the door. I spent extra time getting ready. I tried to embrace the entire morning. I got myself a bologna biscuit with extra mustar. Ate some candy, stopped for coffee and chat time and was on my way to the clinic by 10.

On the ride in, emotions began to flow. I’m doing this. We are doing this.

How beautiful.

We thawed 2 embryos. One was struggling and the next did better.

The doctor asked me about putting two embryos to ensure success. I have two children and a very demanding job. I just can’t do two embryos. I had emmense guilt but I declined.

My father and baby mama were in the room with me.

I, like always, cracked jokes to ease the tension.

The process wasn’t intense at all. It was more emotional than anything. The doctor, whom I had never met until today, implanted the embryo. We were able to see a small puff of air to know where it had been implanted. Baby BB is officially implanted in my uterus. Let the praying begin.

Boom.

Baby mama showered me and my two children with gifts. She is so special.

We stood in the parking lot and held each other. She placed her hand on my tummy while I held her and she prayed.

We are all so blessed to experience this.

God’s will be done.

We all go our separate ways. I go to my house to enjoy an afternoon of bedrest. My mother comes by. My grandmother and grandfather come by. It feels good to share this experience with my family. My grandfather ended up leaving my mother, my grandmother and I to our “girl talk”. We chatted about many things. I embrace these moments.

My grandmother left and my children came home from school. They were extremely interested in this journey and my daughter asked where the baby was. My sister in law, brother and children came by briefly. They checked on me and took my daughter for a few hours.

My baby mama came over to do my daily progesterone shot and stayed a while to chat. We have bonded and I enjoy getting to know her in this manner. I pray for her and this baby to be united as a family.

She had to go home and grade papers. We hugged and she left.

My mother discussed in several moments how cluttered my house was. Mom’s are grand huh? She means well. We snuggled in the bed. We ate snacks. She cleaned my sink, made dinner and left.

What a beautiful day!

Next phase of surrogacy

I finished my last round of blood work and ultrasound appointment. Everything is on schedule. I had a panicked week thinking my body ovulated but it was a false alarm. I did not. We are on to progesterone shots. The embryo will be implanted Wednesday.

BABY IMPLANTED IN JUST A FEW DAYS!

Baby mama came to my office this morning and ever so gently gave me my first (huge) shot. She is so kind and loving. I’m honored to give her this gift that she so deserves to enjoy.

I promised to be honest in my blog.

Honesty in 3….2…1….

There have been some side effects I knew but couldn’t prepare for and some have been unexpected….

I have a strange emotion that has popped up. I understand why those who have gone before me have mentioned loneliness. I signed up for this. This is my decision. With that responsibility I feel I have to hide my side effects so my environment won’t throw it up in my face “you did this to yourself”. I caught myself crying in my office. So alone. Crying for many reasons, none of which are worthy of tears.

I am still just so excited to be on this journey. I don’t regret a second of it. I’m ready for the next step.

But it is complicated trying to live my chaotic, everchanging, life, while simultaneously preparing for baby.

God is in control always. I pray my insecurities calm down. I pray God comes and washes my mind of negativity about my current choices.

I pray for my hormone levels. I’m glad they are irate because that means my body is accepting of the medication. I pray it continues to follow the schedule. I pray for a successful implantation and pregnancy.

I also selfishly pray for my heart as I am broken and trying every day to work on me. I pray God restores love. I pray I am forever making Him proud on Earth.

I pray for my support. I pray they are loving to me and do not leave me. I pray I appreciate and respect them.