I second guess most things parents would never think about.
It hurts my soul to do so but without, I feel anxiety.
I question when my children are quiet. I question them going over to others homes. I over analyze their actions and reactions. I live in a prison that was not ever mine to live in.
I pray for God to ease my mind. I pray for God to wash my mind. I stay up in the middle of the night praying for horrible images to be released from my mind.
It’s a life-long sickness. One dealt with mostly in silence.
I do the best I can with my children and I pray they never experience a loss of innocence. I pray I parent them to the best of my ability and for God to cover me and them. I pray my children aren’t broken. The overwhelming thought is that I just don’t know, and may not know until years and pain of locked up emotions come barreling out in the worst ways. I just keep the best outlook I can on life and raising them.
But in the back of my mind, I know it can happen to them.
January 3, 2019.
Mama and daddy picked me up from work so we would have time to chat before the appointment. We’ve known each other for years but we have not had a lot of personal contact. I’ve watched the couple go through so much in their journey of parenthood but that is their story to tell.
This is mine.
We hit traffic on the way there from roadwork on the interstate. We ran into closed roads. We got tickled talking about confusing downtown traffic and one way streets. We found the fertility clinic. Finally!!
We spent a time filling out paperwork then we waited. The doctor was ready for us and we went back.
Mom and dad shared their story. Doctor dis used the process with them. They shared a question and answer time. I’m so proud of mom. She’s researched so much. She’s serious and we know it. Doctor looked to me and asked me if I was good? Did I have any questions?
I did not. I told him I’m along for the ride. I’m honored to be able to help this couple. I’m blessed to give the gift of life.
Let’s do this.
He will not see us again until a legal contract is completed. Ok. Fair enough doc. See you soon.
I have desired to be a surrogate for years. I felt the pull after my son was was born because parenthood is so beautiful. I felt it heavily when a close friend of mine lost her newborn child. She ended up being able to birth a child and didn’t need my womb. My best friend was struggling with getting pregnant for years and I offered the option to her but they ended up getting divorced.
Here I am. 32 years old. A church friend of mine has gone through such a long draining emotional process of foster/adoption, ending in a very painful removal of an infant shortly after receiving the child. She had made it known she and her husband had decided on surrogacy with a donor embryo. I jumped at the opportunity. I told her I wanted to pray for a time and ask God to press in my heart what to do. I felt completely accepting to the ability to gift them a child. I asked several close friends and family and decided on yes.
This is huge.
Please respond with replies of support, disagreeance, thoughts and please oh please, if you’ve been a surrogate, get with me!!!
Let the journey begin!
So many things.
Beautiful. Maternal. Successful. Gentle. Loving. Many more things.
But what do we hide?
You know. The monster inside. Scraping our walls to get out. The tornado inside our bodies, twisting and turning and causing chaos. Dissecting every thought in our mind. Dissecting every intention in anyone else’s.
I’ve cried 4 separate times today. Once over the pains of my job. Once when I was talking to my grandmother about my sweet and wonderful deceased great grandmother. Once because I wondered what the point of life was. Once when I watched a video about a girl and her dog. I haven’t cried in a month. And will cry again in a month exactly.
I’ve not been able to sleep normal for a week. I’ve desired the touch of a man and decided all men are evil.
I’ve determined my life is empty and I’ve determined I can’t keep going on like I have been.
I feel a deep, dark, depression. It’s cold and lonely here. It’s confusing. I fight the urge to ruin everything I’ve worked for. Quit my job. Run away. From everything.
And in 2 weeks it will all go away.
And in 2 more weeks, it will all begin again.
PMDD. It’s real. It’s here. And I’m sorry if you struggle.
I read something the other day that resounded with me. It said it does not matter how we perceive ourselves if other people perceive us differently.
Again, a balance is needed to understand that. It’s not that we should care what others think more than what we think of ourselves but if you notice a pattern of how people perceive you, there may be something to it. You may be missing something you are doing that you don’t notice.
That’s OK to admit. It’s human nature. And if you don’t admit it, you’ll live in insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and over and over expecting different results.
Accept constructive criticism as a way to build a better you. Accept that you aren’t perfect. Accept that your intentions may be good but your ability to get that out sucks. And that’s OK. If we were all perfect life would be boring. Sometimes I suck, but I improve. And I’m happy with that!! 🙂