Surrogacy: week 18

Hello all!!

It’s week 18. Baby has been doing big things and by big things I mean she’s started tap dancing on my bladder and growing out super fast. She enjoys making sure I don’t sleep and that heartburn is always near. Other than that, it’s great!!! I’m still so tickled to be doing this. Some days I wake up, look at my belly in amazement that she’s in there…..AND SHE’S NOT MINE. This is by far the coolest babysitting job I could imagine.

It’s a little lonely, not going to lie. I would love for someone to rub my back, rub my feet, help me in the evenings when my body is just too tired to continue on, but my birth kiddos need me,and I continue on. Every day that goes by is another day of baking for baby and its an achievement I’m proud of. I want her to be so healthy for mom and dad. My faith is strong. God is there for me. That’s enough, even when I’m being a whiny butt and feeling pitiful.

We get to see the anatomy scan on Tuesday. Mom is so excited. We thought we would see her last visit but we didn’t. Doc promised this one we would.

Sometimes I think about what labor will be like. What the days after will be like. What mom and dad will be like taking baby home from the hospital. What I will do with some time off work to heal mentally and physically. I’m trying to prepare but it’s like the beginning of a roller coaster. No one knows but it will be a memorable experience and I’m ready.

15 weeks down, centuries to go?!

Hello all!!!!!

Sorry I’ve been quiet for a while.

So. Pregnancy isn’t how I remembered it from 8 years ago. A lot has changed since then. Mostly my body is 8 years older now. With a dash of insane workload at work and no husband to have me lavender bath water or dinner for when I finally do get home from my 10 hr plus days.

Just like everything in life, when you do something new and exciting, there’s no amount of prep work that could ever be enough. There’s no amount of research and questioning that can truly prepare you for diving into the unknown.

I regret nothing.

But I’m learning a whole awful lot!

Mama and me are both strong willed people. It has set us up for some interesting feelings and conversations. We are trying to learn how to manage this short term close relationship without overstepping boundaries. We live on opposite sides of the community. She quit her job as a teacher at the end of the school year and my job is quite demanding of me and my time. I’m certain she would rather I just move in with her and I’m certain I just want to go home and sit on my couch and stare at the wall.

This is new to both of us. Her child is growing inside another human, away from her ability to control everything . She is not present for the milestones of baby. That’s a strain mentally. My body is being taken over by a sweet little parasite that, as soon as it comes out, will never have an attachment with this body again. I’m trying to manage my life as if I was not pregnant, all the while hormones flow through me like magma.

Lots of emotions.

We are doing our best to manage the situation as best as we can.

I’m having to forcibly work on asking others for help and releasing my independence. As my belly grows, and it sure is growing, there is less I’m able to do.

As of right now, my house appears to be ground zero from a massive tornado. My yard hasn’t been mowed in weeks, it’s hardly walkable. Dinner has become minimal and sad. These are all things I need to learn to ask for help on. God’s teaching me things through this journey that I wasn’t wanting to learn. Funny how He always works.

Baby update:

Mama decided to do the Harmony test for gender and chromosome abnormalities. It was almost 2 weeks, right before 4th of July, when she found out she was having a girl and everything came back normal! Mama wanted a girl and we all wanted healthy.

We had a gender reveal for mama, daddy, brother, and the rest of their family. It was sweet. Strange for me. But sweet. I brought my two kids with me so I wasn’t alone.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a check up but we didn’t get an ultrasound. Mama was disappointed but at the next visit in August there will be one.

Mama gave me a doppler so I’m able to listen to baby Kate’s heartbeat whenever I want. I send her videos of the heartbeat so she can hear too.

It’s sweet to know this little human is growing and every day we pass is one day closer to giving this mama what she has always desired.

Until next time.

Surprise world, we’re public

It’s been a few months. Some of the best days. Some of the hardest days.

We are getting to know each other. We are learning what we want out of life.

Some days it feels like a fairy tale. Some days I sit back and watch this man in the greatest pain of his life with no way to help him heal besides saying, “I’m here”.

There have been bumps in our road, but I’m determined.

On a whim, our relationship has gone public in the community. There’s mixed feelings. Most people support us and feel we are a great match. We care about our community and serve daily. We love God and we want to enjoy our lives together A few have very negative thoughts on us that are simply not true.

It’s only been a few months since the passing of his wife. We honor her. She’s a part of our journey. She isn’t here anymore and we are not in the wrong. Would either of us think this would have happen. No. But it did. And it’s the most beautiful journey of our lives.

The community will get bored and forget we exist. They will go about their business and leave us to live in peace.

Until then, we will continue with our lives. Every day will present new challenges and new adventures and I want nothing more than to spend my life with this man, discovering all we have to offer.

I’ve never felt more like I matter. This man has chosen me to be his person. Me. Me?

I’m honored. I feel like my world is opening up.

Until next time.

The hard part

No one will understand.

Why can’t I just do something easy or “normal”?

I was contacted by this God send after his wife passed away from a long painful battle with an angry and unbiased cancer.

He was the best husband. He loves his wife with all that he has. She was blessed by him and him, her. I love their love.

He fought so hard for her. He used his place in the community to raise funds to get her the best help available.

He gained 3 years with her. But he feels defeated in the end by her loss of life.

This is the hard part.

I will not tell you their story because it is not mine to tell. I will, however, explain my place in this situation.

He and I had an instant connection!

E had intentions of taking things slow. That’s not us.

We are in a dating relationship. It’s unlike anything else. All the good. All the bad. We are learning each other daily.

The outside world is questioning our sanity. We get it but we trust God.

God is here

I serendipitously ran smack dab into a situation I never thought I would be in.

I went on a call a time ago. God spoke to me loudly while I was on scene. I didn’t understand the word spoken, “here”. Here?

God?

Have you lost your mind?

I’ve only heard God loud and clear twice in my life. It startled me. I didn’t beleive it. I’m still overwhelmed with it.

But I listened. I began praying. I prayed for everyone involved.

I also followed His will. I was still and let God. This is a new concept He has been showing me.

……….

Surrogacy : scared but hopeful

I had an incident yesterday. Around 11 o clock I had to go to the bathroom. Blood dumped out. I’ve never had this happen.

I called baby mama. I called doctor. I called my OB.

My baby mama got there in record time. We sat, she cried, I held her. This is all such a whirlwind. We Googled and pondered and Googled some more.

The fertility clinic couldn’t see me until the following morning.

We decided to go to the Emergency Room.

We didn’t have to wait long. My grandfather came and sat with us. He’s a Saint if there ever was one.

We went to a private room. They decided due to symptoms they would put use a catheter and put an IV. We then had an ultrasound.

There was a gestational sack and a yolk but no pole or heartbeat. My hcg levels were high, 13991. The nurse came in and discharged us with more questions than we had answers.

We meet at baby mamas home this morning and ride together. We talk about all the things. Her teaching at the end of the school year problems, my eating habits, etc. We arrive to the fertility clinic and sign in. We are both a nervous wreck.

I get my blood drawn and we go to room #2. Our crnp comes in and vaginally scans me. She sees the sack, the pole, the yolk. She just can’t see a heartbeat.

She wants to believe she saw a flicker but she just can’t say. She wants us to come back Friday but due to it being only 2 days, she opts for Monday…..until we realize Monday is Memorial Day…. Tuesday it is…… That’s basically 202697 forevers.

This is all we know.

If I begin to bleed again, I will go back to the emergency room. If not, we will have definite answers Tuesday.

Always stay prayin’