Silent suffering

There’s part of life that is too quiet. You ever notice that?

They are the loudest to your soul but silent to the outside world.

I’m in a season of silence. Partially, my own fault. Partially, because it isn’t my battle to fight.

I have a certain suffering that is going on and I feel dramatically, like I’m dying. But not a death. But if a slow slipping into insanity.

I feel as though it isn’t safe to speak to my friends and family as they are typical humans who judge and direct. I need someone that is a safe space. I need someone who has a clue how I feel and will not look at me like I’m selfishly feeling.

This is all for today.

Robbed again

I second guess most things parents would never think about.

It hurts my soul to do so but without, I feel anxiety.

I question when my children are quiet. I question them going over to others homes. I over analyze their actions and reactions. I live in a prison that was not ever mine to live in.

I pray for God to ease my mind. I pray for God to wash my mind. I stay up in the middle of the night praying for horrible images to be released from my mind.

It’s a life-long sickness. One dealt with mostly in silence.

I do the best I can with my children and I pray they never experience a loss of innocence. I pray I parent them to the best of my ability and for God to cover me and them. I pray my children aren’t broken. The overwhelming thought is that I just don’t know, and may not know until years and pain of locked up emotions come barreling out in the worst ways. I just keep the best outlook I can on life and raising them.

But in the back of my mind, I know it can happen to them.

The day before the day

We woke up at 530 Thursday (5.14.20) morning. I rushed around the house like I always do. I have to feed the chickens, ducks then the outside dogs, then the inside dogs,then the reptiles and fur balls. I’m telling the kids to get ready. Pack the last of their things. Finish their chores and brush their teeth. We get on the road in not too bad of timing.We have a jam fest on the way. It was fun as we remembered songs of our younger years and the passion we felt behind them. We are both serious about our tunes!We drive 5 plus hours down to the prettiest white sand beaches of Florida.

We got there too early and our room wasn’t ready so they allowed us to use the facilities until it was. The kids played in and out of the water and under the 5 story man made water fall. The water was FREEZING so we didn’t get in. We applied then reapplied sunscreen as pasty white folks must do. Hours go by and the room is finally ready. We get our luggage up to the room and at this point, we are all starving and tetering on hangry. It’s dangerous when you’re a group of 5.

Crab. That’s all I’ve been talking about, really my whole adult life, but the last few weeks especially. We just so happen to have a crab place RIGHT BESIDE US so we walk to it. We have the most polite waiter and our children really show out by using their manners and ordering their own food. They make us so proud.

We chow down. I know I say this every time but it’s the best crab ever. He gives me my lemon slices and old bay seasoning and I’m in heaven. I look around at Jsmiff, and the kids. I’m the most blessed woman. He feels it too. It’s a sense of peace when everything is going right. Even in between moments of chaos. This. This is what I live for.

After I finish my 1.5 pounds of crab and a slice of homemade key lime pie, and everyone else cleans their plate, HE wants to go take some pictures at the beach. Should have been my first clue, but it wasn’t. We paid for our meal, our waiter mentioned how well our children behaved and thanked us.

We walked to the beach. Justin took pictures of the kids first then asked Ford to take one of us. Ok. Cool. So he does but he wants us to move over this way and look over there at the pier. Still so clueless. He says ok take our picture and this fool is down on his knee. WITH A RING. I’ve never been in this situation before but I can tell you, wow. Everything is slow motion but fast and so blurry but the most memorable. I think I said yes. I had to ask him, before bed, in a panic, OMG did I ever say yes. Yes. The answer is yes.

I apologized for being a turd. I can be a bit of a smart mouth at times and hugged him like it was my first hug of forever. I kissed him. I’m not sure I have stopped smiling since.

See. This is bittersweet. He wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for his tradegy and I wouldn’t be here today if I knew my own worth long ago. But what a beautiful way to start our new life.

The best part about this is that he had the children in on it the whole time. How special is it that they can forever say they did this part and that part and so on. They were all so happy. My 2 seem genuinely happy for this decision. I love them and I love this life that they will have from here on out.

I was slightly teary when he proposed but it wasn’t until I hugged his son that I cried. That little boy loves me. And I love him. My biggest promise isn’t just to God that I’m a Proverbs 31 wife. It’s that I’m that boys love and comfort for the rest of his life. His mommy left this Earth way too soon and now I have the responsibility to make sure he knows Christ and that he is loved.

With the biggest goofy smiles on both our faces, we walked back to the hotel, told the family, put it on social media and we went to bed as soon to be married, us. What a beautiful feeling.

I COULD NOT sleep. The bed we have was not like our King at home. He has sleeping troubles so I always worry my moving will wake him up and in a smaller bed, that left a lot of uncomfortable hours. I finally got up about 4 and decided I was done sleeping. Or trying to. I went onto the balcony. I watched the waves cap as that was really all I could see. I had such a strong praying time with God. I prayed that He guide our future marriage in the way that He wants and I prayed that we follow His teachings. I prayed that I would be a good mother to all 3 of my children. I also prayed for his late wife. I let her know I would never remove her from our home and that I had Smiff from here on out. I had told Landon the night before that I wanted him to know his mommy would always be a part of our family and I showed him an idea for the wedding. He hugged me so tight. I told all the children I loved them and I prayed hard for them this morning. I prayed that God show him the way to be the best most respectful step father and I, a step mother. We got this.

I feel such good things to come.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my thoughts and for your support.

Surrogacy Journey: Post Partum

Moments after baby Kate was delivered, I was up and about. I felt amazing. Sore. But good. I got home the next evening, worn out but manageable. Started with a headache that caused me to cry out in pain and agony any time I wasn’t laying down.

I got scared.

We went to the hospital the next morning. They pumped me full of pain medicine, gave me a prescription and said if it wasn’t better by Monday, another epidural would be done to do a blood patch to fix the leak. I go home, miserably. I slept the rest of the night, the entire next few days. Some family and friends came in and out but the main focus was me and sleep. I was given several 2 liters of mountain dew. I don’t drink cokes. It was A LOT of caffeine. I got up to

Post partum day Wednesday, I started to feel better. By Thursday I had no pain when I got up. Praise God.

Now on to the fun part.

Hormones.

I’m a passionate person. I knew it would be an emotional ride.

This pregnancy, as you’ve read before, has been the most emotional. I had hoped the post partum wouldn’t be, but as patterns so often show, it has been WILD. I am extremely loving and sensitive and caring and hurting.

This comes at a rough time in my personal life as it has a very complicated few levels to it right now. I’m praying I level out before I go to work. At this point, I wouldn’t make it. … professionally.

I wanted to compartmentalize my emotions to only focus on baby stuff. That has not happened.

My surrounding support are so nervous that I’m going to freak over the loss of attachment of baby Kate. They tiptoe around me. They talk amongst themselves. When I say it honestly truly does not bother me at all, the cord was cut and my job was complete, it’s like it flips. Now I’m supposed to be perfectly fine with no issues.

Hold up people. I wrecked my body for 1 year and now it’s my responsibity to obtain a healthy post baby mindset, weight and life.

Oh ok. Let me just get right on that.

I need support but not in sadness of a baby lost

I need support in regaining my mentality. I need support while I cry. I do not need you to tell me it’s nothing to cry about or get angry that I cry. I’m holding onto my kids a little tighter because I made them and they are beautiful miracles and I’m blessed fo it. I need you to not question my emotions unless I’m showing signs of hurt in myself. Be here for me

Let’s laugh. Let’s cry. Let’s keep rocking along through this journey. It ain’t over yet. And I’m ready to continue through the journey of life.

Surrogacy journey: 38 weeks. Real talk.

I’ve held off on posting my real emotions. This is a delicate situation. 38 weeks pregnant. No spouse. No responsibilities after baby arrives. A family in waiting for their forever blessing to arrive. Nothing about this pregnancy is what society calls normal.

I started blogging this journey for anyone out there who may want to experience surrogacy but I also have to be mindful that many lives are involved.

With that being said, I’m exhausted. I am taking care of a household and children. I’m uncomfortable standing, sitting, laying, bending, anything really. I have mentioned it slightly before but I’m going to tell you…. When they tell you to do a psychological evaluation and counseling beforehand, this is why. It takes more out of you than a “regular” pregnancy.

I don’t mean to but somehow I end up feeling secluded and nothing more than an object to get someone to their destination. I feel I have to fight for my voice to be heard in some scenarios and I feel a bother in others.

These are just fleeting emotions (I tell myself to try and “snap” out of it).

I just left the hospital. I had to register and get a check due to my doctor being out of town. Everything is good. Contracting but not dilated enough to be admitted. I will be induced next week. It’s surreal. She will be here and into her mom and dad’s arms next week. We only have ONE more week. We can do this!!!!!

I have 3 weeks off work paid to rest and heal.

I believe I will feel much better in a few weeks.

I’m hoping I have some help when I get home from the hospital. It takes a lot to manage a household, much more after you deliver a baby.

I called a house cleaning agency. They wanted 230 bucks for a deep cleaning. WHAT??? looks like I need to go into that business. Ha.

Alls well. Baby’s healthy. This is what matters.

We continue on!!!!!

Surrogacy Journey: 36w4d

That was a Braxton Hicks. No, that was a real contraction, says the doctor when I was 35 weeks pregnant.

I’m on bedrest. I’m huge. Baby’s dropped. Mom is freaking out. Her nursery isn’t finished. All is well.

I’m still not due until January 15 but she sure does feel like she’s trying to come. I’m dilated 2cm and having real contractions.

I stay overwhelmed, I suppose. I’m so ready to see this happy, healthy, baby come out and go to her parents.

I had to leave work earlier than I expected and it has caused so much anxiety. My caseload doesn’t just disappear. There are lives that are ongoing and extremely brittle and fragile. I have spent months trying to ensure these families have the services and support they need for a safe home. Leaving them has felt like leaving family. I will be getting back to work as soon as I possibly can. I will follow my doctor’s recommendations, of course.

I will not be venturing down this road again but my heart will be completely open for any support asked of someone who may way to follow their own journey of being a surrogate. It’s beautiful. I am blessed to be able to do it. And I will be blessed to be support for the next person.

Surrogacy journey :getting real

Here I am. 34 weeks. My mid section is growing, what feels like, by the minute. I feel big as a house to have started at 4 foot 11 inches and 101 pounds. I’m still the same height but a good solid 45 pounds heavier. That’s a lot when you think about how mobile I need to be throughout my day.

I am at the part of pregnancy that I’m certain God blocks out of our memory so we will continue having babies. It’s not fun. There’s little sleep involved. Everything is uncomfortable. I ache in every part of my body. My mind is consumed with every emotion possible. I cry several times a day. I have gained more stretch marks than with my two babies combined. I am overflowing even my maternity clothes.

Yet, here I am praising Jesus for this opportunity. Every day I wake up and it’s like I am reminded just what I am doing. Just what gift I am bringing to this world. Just how happy this family will be.

No words can describe it.

Surrogacy journey :32 weeks

32 weeks.

8 weeks left.

Baby girl is moving so much. She is very active. A new contract has been written up for some details of custody and parental rights. It’s long. It’s interesting. It’s descriptive. Lawyers really know their lingo.

I’m doing well. Lots of pains in my ribs and back but considering what some moms go through. I’m blessed.

Knowing that God knows every bit of this little girl and how she’s knit together in my womb is just precious to me.

We are at doctor every 2 weeks. My work keeps a look after me every day. They try to act calm bug any ache or pain I have, they see me. They monitor me. It’s sweet to be cared for like that. I’m thankful for them.

I had to leave work early today. I was hurting so bad. Tingles shoot down my ribcage and to my back. We are having some reviews at work. Extremely important. I have to take care of my health and they are understanding. I’m forever thankful bit stressed beyond my grasp right now.

This too shall pass. It always passes.

Baby Kate is healthy and that’s all that matters right now.

But I am ready to hand her over so I can rest!!!!!

Surrogacy Journey : moving up and out

I’m 26 weeks. Time to nest. But what do I nest. Such an interesting feeling. I’m not stressed about where the baby will sleep. Who will watch baby while I work. Will the baby eat properly. It’s surreal. Mama has bought baby Kate a whole wardrobe and has been researching all of the newest and latest and best of everything. This is so neat. We are 2 people experiencing 2 different events in this process.

Baby Kate is moving a lot now but mostly in the middle of the night and wee hours of the morning so mama hasn’t been able to feel her yet. We have our glucose test and ultrasound at the end of October. Mama can’t wait to see her baby girl and I can’t wait to find out if the placenta previa has corrected itself.

I’m feeling much better, mentally. I started reading a book with an inappropriate title written by Gary John Bishop. It basically says, get over it and figure out a way to fix whatever you’re feeling. Whatever happens, happens. How you respond and how you manage after is your responsibility. It’s helped so much.

Basically, I put my big girl panties on. It’s just hormones and emotions. I will survive. I will bring a baby into this world to complete a family that has wanted this for years. What a blessing it is for me to be able to do this!! The rest isn’t important.

I’m the luckiest gal alive to be able go do this!!!!

Signing off…..

Surrogacy Journey: week 18

Hello all!!

It’s week 18. Baby has been doing big things and by big things I mean she’s started tap dancing on my bladder and growing out super fast. She enjoys making sure I don’t sleep and that heartburn is always near. Other than that, it’s great!!! I’m still so tickled to be doing this. Some days I wake up, look at my belly in amazement that she’s in there…..AND SHE’S NOT MINE. This is by far the coolest babysitting job I could imagine.

It’s a little lonely, not going to lie. I would love for someone to rub my back, rub my feet, help me in the evenings when my body is just too tired to continue on, but my birth kiddos need me,and I continue on. Every day that goes by is another day of baking for baby and its an achievement I’m proud of. I want her to be so healthy for mom and dad. My faith is strong. God is there for me. That’s enough, even when I’m being a whiny butt and feeling pitiful.

We get to see the anatomy scan on Tuesday. Mom is so excited. We thought we would see her last visit but we didn’t. Doc promised this one we would.

Sometimes I think about what labor will be like. What the days after will be like. What mom and dad will be like taking baby home from the hospital. What I will do with some time off work to heal mentally and physically. I’m trying to prepare but it’s like the beginning of a roller coaster. No one knows but it will be a memorable experience and I’m ready.