Quiet creeper, outed. FINALLY!

I was driving to work this morning. Just a typical day. I had found a CD (yes they still exist) from who knows when, Now 5. It was nostalgic. I was jamming hard to some of these hits. Some I passed quickly. EWE at some of the hits back then. I came across Lucky by Britney Spears. The song refers to a celebrity that from the outside has it all and on the inside, she’s just sad.

“If there’s nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night? Lost in an image, in a dream, but there’s no one there to wake her up. And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning but tell me what happens when it stops?”

I realized at that moment that I have struggled with depression since I was a child.

It took me this long (and no it doesn’t matter exactly HOW old I am) to realize it. I remember talking with someone within the past year about anxiety vs. depression. I had mentioned that I had not been depressed, only anxious. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which turns into PMDD during my PMS time. I honestly believed until today that I had not been depressed. I’m a halfway intelligent person. I love learning and researching. How could I miss this? How could I be so close minded to the fact that I struggle with depression?

I believe it’s because I am genuinely a happy person. I enjoy the small things. I can feel amazing just by looking outside at nature. I had it in my mind that to feel joy must mean that I couldn’t possibly be depressed. I can find the silver lining in situations.

I was wrong.

I remember constantly thinking as a child that I was never good enough. I felt I came from a home that was too financially unstable. I always felt like my friends weren’t really my friends. I was only a cheerleader because I was small enough to easily throw around (which isn’t exactly wrong). I remember feeling inconvenient to everyone I was around. I remember feeling like I just wanted to go away. I had friends that felt the same as me, maybe even worse. I learned bad habits from them like cutting myself. I remember sneaking into my kitchen, past my family, taking a steak knife out of the drawer, and I would cut. I would cut very lightly. I would go back to my room, only to later return and do it a little bit more and a little harder. I would wear high socks and long sleeves to school the next day. I found myself trying to balance being cool, being confused about life, being sad enough and being funny enough. I traveled through my schools friend list (before social media existed), trying to find MY people. I appeared to get along with everyone and didn’t really have enemies. I found no comfort in friends. I felt like the friendships I had, I was trying so hard to keep them, were more like a job.

I was EXTREMELY small and always had to defend my eating habits. I didn’t have an eating disorder, I just had small genes. I didn’t mature until years after everyone else did. I looked like I was 10, until I was 17. I had braces for 4 years, and contraptions similar to car engines (pistons and such). I was picked on for my size but no one did it hatefully. I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I was 17, while my friends spent countless hours talking about theirs and the places they went and the things they did. I dove into heavy metal because the lyrics explained the pain I felt inside. I would listen to it at the highest volume, screaming the lyrics while my soul was tired and hurt. High school was not fun for me and depression, it seems, caused the majority of the chaos in my own head.

I guess I have, over the years, started putting things together. It started to really hit home when I was going through a box of memories. I found journals after journals that were filled with depressing poems and scratches of anger pouring out through my beautifully colored pens (obsessed with office supplies to this day. I still pushed it to the side, making jokes about it.

Of all things, of all the music genre’s I listen to, my ride to work listening to old school Britney Spears did me in. The song came on and it took me back to school. All of the feelings came rushing back. The loss of innocence. The immense pain felt only on the inside.

I take this as a God moment. He ever so gently guided me into my own self-realization. I was, and can be, depressed. I can enjoy life. I can rejoice life. I can be depressed. All in one.

It may not seem like a lot to you but for those of you in recovery, admitting is the first step to a beautiful life ahead.

I am thankful for this realization.

P.S. In the midst of this life I was miserably leading, is when I began dabbling in drugs and alcohol. When they say substance abuse is only a symptom, a surface issue, to the real problem, they mean it. Reread this if you need to understand the why? to me using and abusing substances. My story isn’t an exact match to every alcoholic/drug abuser, but there will definitely be some similarities.

God is Here!

It is no hidden secret that I have taken my entire adult life to focus on healing (so I may be reasonably happy in this life and SUPREMELY happy with You forever in the next -CR) . I have prayed for God to prune me. I have asked God to convict me of what is not OF HIM. God loves me enough to take the baby (and the backwards) steps it has taken me to get where He wants me to be.

I was feeling pretty good about my work I have put in. Have you ever thought you were doing really good and then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am ever so thankful for the pull of the Holy Spirit, and thankful to those who use it to help others. It’s extremely important to have people around you that are feeding into your end game, not those that drain you. Proverbs speaks of the importance of wisdom. In Chapter 1 Verse 5, a man (or woman) of understanding will acquire wisdom and increase learning. Again in Verse 7, fearing the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and fools despise wisdom and instruction. You get what I’m putting down here. God is VERY serious about always learning. As Paul says in Philippians (3:12) we have not arrived at our goal, but we will continue to press on for what Jesus has for us. Again in 1 Corinthians (9:24-27) we are here for the race and the ultimate prize of a forever crown. We are to go into “strict training”. The Bible does not say, WHOOP you’re saved through Jesus’ blood. You’re done. We are to fight a daily battle. He’s proud. He’s taking us to Heaven. But we are to work while we are here. Work on ourselves, Romans 12:2, by testing, what is good and acceptable and perfect. And work on the world, Matthew 4:19, he is making us fishers of men.

Which brings me to my latest epiphany. I met with a pastor recently. He is the husband of a work friend of mine. I met with him thinking I was going to whine about my life and he was going to pat me on the back and tell me everything was going to be ok and blame the entire world, and not my precious self. This man, with the complete guidance of the Holy Spirit, ripped through the walls of adult coping skills learned over a 15 year period, and got to the very root of my pain and suffering. IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES. I am not going to sugar coat anything. I was raw and angry and embarrassed. I hysterically cried. I waved my hands around explaining that I had already dealt with my childhood pain and I did not want to go through it again. I could not keep my composure. I explained to him that I have been in counseling for years. I have been through step studies with Celebrate Recovery (completing one soon). I had made amends and forgiven all who hurt me. I meant every bit of my work. I was giving my resume, at this point, as a defense mechanism. We only had an hour and I was thankful. I left him feeling so angry. He could feel it but was kind through it all. I always did have to take time to process and am not silent until I do as I should be. Its a character defect.

As I processed, I realized that God had used this poor man to do His work. This man, who was a stranger, showed me that I had not truly given my pain to God. I may have tried. I may have worked through the feelings, but I did not completely give it to God. He showed me by taking me back to when it all started. I was that little girl again, lost and unprotected. This man showed me that God was there and he was waiting to take it all. Not help me manage it, but release it fully.

I have a new lease on life.

No miracles on the outside have happened. My life hasn’t completely taken a turn. Life is still extremely hard for me right now. But I have a peace that I did not have before.

(Philippians 3:12-14)Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Silent suffering

There’s part of life that is too quiet. You ever notice that?

They are the loudest to your soul but silent to the outside world.

I’m in a season of silence. Partially, my own fault. Partially, because it isn’t my battle to fight.

I have a certain suffering that is going on and I feel dramatically, like I’m dying. But not a death. But if a slow slipping into insanity.

I feel as though it isn’t safe to speak to my friends and family as they are typical humans who judge and direct. I need someone that is a safe space. I need someone who has a clue how I feel and will not look at me like I’m selfishly feeling.

This is all for today.

Robbed again

I second guess most things parents would never think about.

It hurts my soul to do so but without, I feel anxiety.

I question when my children are quiet. I question them going over to others homes. I over analyze their actions and reactions. I live in a prison that was not ever mine to live in.

I pray for God to ease my mind. I pray for God to wash my mind. I stay up in the middle of the night praying for horrible images to be released from my mind.

It’s a life-long sickness. One dealt with mostly in silence.

I do the best I can with my children and I pray they never experience a loss of innocence. I pray I parent them to the best of my ability and for God to cover me and them. I pray my children aren’t broken. The overwhelming thought is that I just don’t know, and may not know until years and pain of locked up emotions come barreling out in the worst ways. I just keep the best outlook I can on life and raising them.

But in the back of my mind, I know it can happen to them.

The day before the day

We woke up at 530 Thursday (5.14.20) morning. I rushed around the house like I always do. I have to feed the chickens, ducks, then the outside dogs, then the inside dogs, then the reptiles and fur balls. I’m telling the kids to get ready. Pack the last of their things. Finish their chores and brush their teeth. We get on the road in not too bad of timing. We have a jam fest on the way. It was fun as we remembered songs of our younger years and the passion we felt behind them. We are both serious about our tunes! We drive 5 plus hours down to the prettiest white sand beaches of Florida.

We got there too early and our room wasn’t ready so they allowed us to use the facilities until it was. The kids played in and out of the water and under the 5 story man made water fall. The water was FREEZING so we didn’t get in. We applied then reapplied sunscreen as pasty white folks must do. Hours go by and the room is finally ready. We get our luggage up to the room and at this point, we are all starving and tetering on hangry. It’s dangerous when you’re a group of 5.

Crab. That’s all I’ve been talking about, really my whole adult life, but the last few weeks especially. We just so happen to have a crab place RIGHT BESIDE US so we walk to it. We have the most polite waiter and our children really show out by using their manners and ordering their own food. They make us so proud.

We chow down. I know I say this every time but it’s the best crab ever. He gives me my lemon slices and old bay seasoning and I’m in heaven. I look around at Jsmiff, and the kids. I’m the most blessed woman. He feels it too. It’s a sense of peace when everything is going right. Even in between moments of chaos. This. This is what I live for.

After I finish my 1.5 pounds of crab and a slice of homemade key lime pie, and everyone else cleans their plate, HE wants to go take some pictures at the beach. Should have been my first clue, but it wasn’t. We paid for our meal, our waiter mentioned how well our children behaved and thanked us.

We walked to the beach. Justin took pictures of the kids first then asked Ford to take one of us. Ok. Cool. So he does but he wants us to move over this way and look over there at the pier. Still so clueless. He says ok take our picture and this fool is down on his knee. WITH A RING. I’ve never been in this situation before but I can tell you, wow. Everything is slow motion but fast and so blurry but the most memorable. I think I said yes. I had to ask him, before bed, in a panic, OMG did I ever say yes. Yes. The answer is yes.

I apologized for being a turd. I can be a bit of a smart mouth at times and hugged him like it was my first hug of forever. I kissed him. I’m not sure I have stopped smiling since.

See. This is bittersweet. He wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for his tradegy and I wouldn’t be here today if I knew my own worth long ago. But what a beautiful way to start our new life.

The best part about this is that he had the children in on it the whole time. How special is it that they can forever say they did this part and that part and so on. They were all so happy. My 2 seem genuinely happy for this decision. I love them and I love this life that they will have from here on out.

I was slightly teary when he proposed but it wasn’t until I hugged his son that I cried. That little boy loves me. And I love him. My biggest promise isn’t just to God that I’m a Proverbs 31 wife. It’s that I’m that boys love and comfort for the rest of his life. His mommy left this Earth way too soon and now I have the responsibility to make sure he knows Christ and that he is loved.

With the biggest goofy smiles on both our faces, we walked back to the hotel, told the family, put it on social media and we went to bed as soon to be married, us. What a beautiful feeling.

I COULD NOT sleep. The bed we have was not like our King at home. He has sleeping troubles so I always worry my moving will wake him up and in a smaller bed, that left a lot of uncomfortable hours. I finally got up about 4 and decided I was done sleeping. Or trying to. I went onto the balcony. I watched the waves cap as that was really all I could see. I had such a strong praying time with God. I prayed that He guide our future marriage in the way that He wants and I prayed that we follow His teachings. I prayed that I would be a good mother to all 3 of my children. I also prayed for his late wife. I let her know I would never remove her from our home and that I had Smiff from here on out. I had told Landon the night before that I wanted him to know his mommy would always be a part of our family and I showed him an idea for the wedding. He hugged me so tight. I told all the children I loved them and I prayed hard for them this morning. I prayed that God show him the way to be the best most respectful step father and I, a step mother. We got this.

I feel such good things to come.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my thoughts and for your support.

Surrogacy Journey: Post Partum

Moments after baby Kate was delivered, I was up and about. I felt amazing. Sore. But good. I got home the next evening, worn out but manageable. Started with a headache that caused me to cry out in pain and agony any time I wasn’t laying down.

I got scared.

We went to the hospital the next morning. They pumped me full of pain medicine, gave me a prescription and said if it wasn’t better by Monday, another epidural would be done to do a blood patch to fix the leak. I go home, miserably. I slept the rest of the night, the entire next few days. Some family and friends came in and out but the main focus was me and sleep. I was given several 2 liters of mountain dew. I don’t drink cokes. It was A LOT of caffeine.

Post partum day Wednesday, I started to feel better. By Thursday I had no pain when I got up. Praise God.

Now on to the fun part.

Hormones.

I’m a passionate person. I knew it would be an emotional ride.

This pregnancy, as you’ve read before, has been the most emotional. I had hoped the post partum wouldn’t be, but as patterns so often show, it has been WILD. I am extremely loving and sensitive and caring and hurting.

This comes at a rough time in my personal life as it has a very complicated few levels to it right now. I’m praying I level out before I go to work. At this point, I wouldn’t make it. … professionally.

I wanted to compartmentalize my emotions to only focus on baby stuff. That has not happened.

My surrounding support are so nervous that I’m going to freak over the loss of attachment of baby Kate. They tiptoe around me. They talk amongst themselves. When I say it honestly truly does not bother me at all, the cord was cut and my job was complete, it’s like it flips. Now I’m supposed to be perfectly fine with no issues.

Hold up people. I wrecked my body for 1 year and now it’s my responsibity to obtain a healthy post baby mindset, weight and life.

Oh ok. Let me just get right on that.

I need support but not in sadness of a baby lost.

I need support in regaining my mentality. I need support while I cry. I do not need you to tell me it’s nothing to cry about or get angry that I cry. I’m holding onto my kids a little tighter because I made them and they are beautiful miracles and I’m blessed for it. I need you to not question my emotions unless I’m showing signs of hurt in myself. Be here for me.

Let’s laugh. Let’s cry. Let’s keep rocking along through this journey. It ain’t over yet. And I’m ready to continue through the journey of life.

Surrogacy journey: 38 weeks. Real talk.

I’ve held off on posting my real emotions. This is a delicate situation. 38 weeks pregnant. No spouse. No responsibilities after baby arrives. A family in waiting for their forever blessing to arrive. Nothing about this pregnancy is what society calls normal.

I started blogging this journey for anyone out there who may want to experience surrogacy but I also have to be mindful that many lives are involved.

With that being said, I’m exhausted. I am taking care of a household and children. I’m uncomfortable standing, sitting, laying, bending, anything really. I have mentioned it slightly before but I’m going to tell you…. When they tell you to do a psychological evaluation and counseling beforehand, this is why. It takes more out of you than a “regular” pregnancy.

I don’t mean to but somehow I end up feeling secluded and nothing more than an object to get someone to their destination. I feel I have to fight for my voice to be heard in some scenarios and I feel a bother in others.

These are just fleeting emotions (I tell myself to try and “snap” out of it).

I just left the hospital. I had to register and get a check due to my doctor being out of town. Everything is good. Contracting but not dilated enough to be admitted. I will be induced next week. It’s surreal. She will be here and into her mom and dad’s arms next week. We only have ONE more week. We can do this!!!!!

I have 3 weeks off work paid to rest and heal.

I believe I will feel much better in a few weeks.

I’m hoping I have some help when I get home from the hospital. It takes a lot to manage a household, much more after you deliver a baby.

I called a house cleaning agency. They wanted 230 bucks for a deep cleaning. WHAT??? looks like I need to go into that business. Ha.

Alls well. Baby’s healthy. This is what matters.

We continue on!!!!!

Surrogacy Journey: 36w4d

That was a Braxton Hicks. No, that was a real contraction, says the doctor when I was 35 weeks pregnant.

I’m on bedrest. I’m huge. Baby’s dropped. Mom is freaking out. Her nursery isn’t finished. All is well.

I’m still not due until January 15 but she sure does feel like she’s trying to come. I’m dilated 2cm and having real contractions.

I stay overwhelmed, I suppose. I’m so ready to see this happy, healthy, baby come out and go to her parents.

I had to leave work earlier than I expected and it has caused so much anxiety. My caseload doesn’t just disappear. There are lives that are ongoing and extremely brittle and fragile. I have spent months trying to ensure these families have the services and support they need for a safe home. Leaving them has felt like leaving family. I will be getting back to work as soon as I possibly can. I will follow my doctor’s recommendations, of course.

I will not be venturing down this road again but my heart will be completely open for any support asked of someone who may way to follow their own journey of being a surrogate. It’s beautiful. I am blessed to be able to do it. And I will be blessed to be support for the next person.

Surrogacy journey :getting real

Here I am. 34 weeks. My mid section is growing, what feels like, by the minute. I feel big as a house to have started at 4 foot 11 inches and 101 pounds. I’m still the same height but a good solid 45 pounds heavier. That’s a lot when you think about how mobile I need to be throughout my day.

I am at the part of pregnancy that I’m certain God blocks out of our memory so we will continue having babies. It’s not fun. There’s little sleep involved. Everything is uncomfortable. I ache in every part of my body. My mind is consumed with every emotion possible. I cry several times a day. I have gained more stretch marks than with my two babies combined. I am overflowing even my maternity clothes.

Yet, here I am praising Jesus for this opportunity. Every day I wake up and it’s like I am reminded just what I am doing. Just what gift I am bringing to this world. Just how happy this family will be.

No words can describe it.

Surrogacy journey :32 weeks

32 weeks.

8 weeks left.

Baby girl is moving so much. She is very active. A new contract has been written up for some details of custody and parental rights. It’s long. It’s interesting. It’s descriptive. Lawyers really know their lingo.

I’m doing well. Lots of pains in my ribs and back but considering what some moms go through. I’m blessed.

Knowing that God knows every bit of this little girl and how she’s knit together in my womb is just precious to me.

We are at doctor every 2 weeks. My work keeps a look after me every day. They try to act calm bug any ache or pain I have, they see me. They monitor me. It’s sweet to be cared for like that. I’m thankful for them.

I had to leave work early today. I was hurting so bad. Tingles shoot down my ribcage and to my back. We are having some reviews at work. Extremely important. I have to take care of my health and they are understanding. I’m forever thankful bit stressed beyond my grasp right now.

This too shall pass. It always passes.

Baby Kate is healthy and that’s all that matters right now.

But I am ready to hand her over so I can rest!!!!!