Just a rub

I just want a back rub. I want a person’s touch on my body. I want to feel a release of this stress I’m holding so tightly to. I want to cuddle. I want to spoon. I want intimacy. I want comfort. I want security.

But I don’t want it with just anyone. And I don’t want it without God.

I don’t want someone to tell me why I’m doing or not doing something the right way. I want this world to understand something it more than likely never will. I want an understanding of where I am in life and what I’m trying to accomplish.

I’ve heard it before and I will pass it along. Being with no one is so much better than being with the wrong one.

Life is about time. We have all the time but yet our time is always disappearing. I want my time to be appropriate. I want what’s right.

I don’t know what that means right now. But I know I don’t want to move.

God please keep this true to my heart.

Amen.

Pmddont

Ahhhhhh

Woman.

So many things.

Beautiful. Maternal. Successful. Gentle. Loving. Many more things.

But what do we hide?

You know. The monster inside. Scraping our walls to get out. The tornado inside our bodies, twisting and turning and causing chaos. Dissecting every thought in our mind. Dissecting every intention in anyone else’s.

I’ve cried 4 separate times today. Once over the pains of my job. Once when I was talking to my grandmother about my sweet and wonderful deceased great grandmother. Once because I wondered what the point of life was. Once when I watched a video about a girl and her dog. I haven’t cried in a month. And will cry again in a month exactly.

I’ve not been able to sleep normal for a week. I’ve desired the touch of a man and decided all men are evil.

I’ve determined my life is empty and I’ve determined I can’t keep going on like I have been.

I feel a deep, dark, depression. It’s cold and lonely here. It’s confusing. I fight the urge to ruin everything I’ve worked for. Quit my job. Run away. From everything.

And in 2 weeks it will all go away.

And in 2 more weeks, it will all begin again.

PMDD. It’s real. It’s here. And I’m sorry if you struggle.

Lonely road

Perspective-A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something. A point of view.

I find myself in deep thought. Am I too much? I’m not good enough? I will be alone forever? No one can handle me?

I came from such a chaotic dysfunctional background. I lived the same life when I began life on my own. It was miserable in the end. I decided in my early 20s that I wanted a better life for myself.

For over 10 years now I have not stopped improving. I have fallen on my face more times than I can count, don’t get me wrong. But I promised myself I would always get back up.

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,14 I press on toward the goal to win the prizefor which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12-14

I have found that some people around me don’t see who I was and how far I have come. They don’t see the passion behind my choices. What I desire out of life isn’t appreciated. They see me in a different light than I ever want to be seen in.

I honestly do not want my way. My way can be unhealthy and disrespectful. I am human. I live in sin. Which is why everything I try to do comes from the Bible I solely base my life on.

I do not want to be a part of chaos. I don’t want to be a part of unhealthy. I don’t want those I care about to be either.

Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man,

Proverbs 22:24

I have learned boundaries where I never had them before.

Here I am, working all these jobs and going to school and trying to balance my life with little help. I find myself in frustrating situations where people expect so much more from me than I can give right now. People expect me to be perfect and completely able to handle situations. I can not. I just want to be understood. I want peace.

I will find peace through my Lord and Savior.

Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. …

Psalm 27:1-14

The Lord my God knows my trouble. He also knows my heart.

Gay Pride, School and God

On September 8, 2018, I attended the 2018 Murfeesboro “Boro Pride” Parade.  I took a friend of mine who also had to write a similar paper for a separate class.  We got off the interstate and took a turn toward the festivities. There were two gentlemen with signs on either side of the streets at an intersection. One of the men had a sign and a megaphone. He was reciting Bible scripture.  The other man had a sign with the 10 commandments on it.  I felt like they were a reasonable distance away from the parade area.  I believe everyone has a right to voice their opinions in respectful ways.  We found parking and started toward the event.  I noticed as we walked toward the square, it wasn’t actually a parade.  Everyone appeared stationary.   There was a rainbow balloon archway where you walked into the event.  There was a band to the left.  There was a large group of people in front of the stage.  We steered right.  There were booths set up throughout the event.  The first booth we came to was for “Reducing the stigma of HIV one conversation at a time”.  The man at the tent was knowledgeable about testing.  There was a testing site on the other side of the event where they prick your finger for the testing.  He asked that we go get tested.  At the tent, there was a bowl of peppermints, a bowl of buttons for support and a bowl of condoms.  My friend and I giggled but at the same time respected the cause and I thanked him for what he was trying to accomplish.  We continued on our adventure.   There were several tents with rainbow pride accessories for sale.  Most everyone had something rainbow on; from a headband to an entire outfit shining with glitter and color head to toe.  There was a church tent that was giving away free hugs.  This was one of my favorite tents.  These sweet ladies were standing outside their tents, completely putting themselves out there, waiting on the next person to hug.  More amazingly, the people who came by embraced them for a hug.  It sent chills down my entire body knowing the two completely different sides of the gay subject coming together in a full on hug.  Both parties seemed to enjoy it and seemed almost relieved and achieved that they did it.  We moved on to another tent of “church people” handing out water.  It was very humid and I was thankful for the water.  My friend and I walked up and were offered water.  We took the water bottles and I could tell on the woman’s face who handed it to me, she was praying for me.  The prayer is between her and God but I appreciated whatever she had to say to God.   We kept walking around, looking at all of the tents and the merchandise.  I noticed a couple that were probably in their mid-50s.  I only assume they were a couple.  They appeared to be so happy to just be themselves. They weren’t dressed up in bling.  They were wearing every day clothes.  I could tell they were happy to be supporting what they believed in and more importantly, they were able to be who they were without judgement.  We saw several families like this.  Some held hands. Some sat back and enjoyed the entertainment. There were families with children running around, showering each other with glitter.  I was happy to see the people in their element and free.   We made it back around to the stage and decided to go around one more time.  We felt more comfortable the next time around.  We knew the area better and could maneuver the walkways.  It was packed.  We noticed a group of girls taking selfies in front of the Boro Pride stand.  I try not to be a judge of people but at the same time, my job is to watch and learn people by their behaviors. Both my friend and I felt that there was a large chance no one in the group was gay.  They spent minutes taking pictures of each other.  I was glad their minds were open to the idea but I had doubts of why they were supporting the cause.  Sometimes I hope I am wrong about my thoughts.  When we realized they weren’t going to be done for a while, my friend and I just decided to stand beside it and take a picture for our proof of attending.   We continued around the event for the last time.  We noticed so many different types of people.  There was a group of men who had beautiful dresses on and make up better applied than I could have ever done myself.  There were groups of women who had their chests duct taped down with no shirts on.  There were visibly gay family members that had their, what appeared to be, visibly not gay family members in attendance for support.  I am not gay.  It was uncomfortable to be around everyone.  I worried that my “not gayness” was sticking out.  I worried that someone would ask why I was at such an event.  That did not happen.  I learned that in 2018 people are trying to respect each other while still holding onto their own beliefs.  I learned that there are several different levels of enjoyment at an event such as this and that is what makes the event successful in my opinion.  I believe attending events such as this one, helps my mind accept all things, not just what I like and believe.  If I attend events that are not in my norm, I will become more comfortable with other’s ways of life.  When I work with families that are “different” than I, I will appear calm and collective and in return, the families will be comfortable and secure in the environment we are in.

Hello darkness my old friend

Ola!!!!

It’s been a while. I knew beginning my masters program would be….. Interesting…. Little did I know I would be questioning my sanity so soon.

But here I am. Questioning. Ha.

I have a bad habit of second guessing everything in my life. I do anything from experiencing buyers remorse to going back to relationships that needed to end for good or stressing about what I did years ago that has ZERO to do with life today. I have made such poor decisions in my past, it causes me to lose joy in my present. Currently, I’m asking God to work on yet another issue of mine. Learning to accept what is.

Jesus asks us, does worrying add any time to our life? We need to let tomorrow worry about itself. We have PLENTY to do today. I love how Jesus puts a spin on what he says. He’s so loving but he is also real. He doesn’t enable our emotions or behavior. He loves us. That’s for sure. But he isn’t going to let us be stupid. Seek first HIS kingdom and all things will be ours.

God is so good.

God loves you. God loves them too.

When you surrender your hurt to God, truly release it, a fresh new perspective takes its place. God loves you. So much. God loves anyone that has ever hurt you just as much. We are all sinners. We all fall short. My mistakes and downfalls are no greater or less than yours. If we can truly accept what Jesus tries to teach us, we will be able to sail through life in a much happier place. Let go of victim mentality. Let go of what someone did to you and accept that you have probably hurt people before in your life too. How can YOU become bigger and better than before. This is what life is all about. Don’t drag someone through the mud. Rise above. Be the grace you want others to have for you. We all feel pain. Sadness. Loneliness. Fear. We all want unconditional love. Show unconditional love by forgiving. God doesn’t tell us to be ran over and beat down. But he does tell us to let go and let God.

Amen.

Soul searchin

My heart is so broken. My heart is so sad. My body aches with pain. I’ve gone over and over and over. What could I have done different? What did I do so wrong? What did I miss? How can a single heart take what I have put mine through.

All I know is to seek God. He fulfills me. He is my all. He doesn’t want me to hurt. He doesn’t want me to live in agony. He wants me to ask myself what I am going to do to heal.

I don’t know.

I can only be responsible for me. I can pray for God to work in others lives but it’s not my cross to bear. I have to ask what I can do to improve. I have to find forgiveness. I have to find peace. I have to dive into my Heavenly Father’s arms and ask that he hold me so tight. I am enough. His love for me is enough.

Amen.