God is Here!

It is no hidden secret that I have taken my entire adult life to focus on healing (so I may be reasonably happy in this life and SUPREMELY happy with You forever in the next -CR) . I have prayed for God to prune me. I have asked God to convict me of what is not OF HIM. God loves me enough to take the baby (and the backwards) steps it has taken me to get where He wants me to be.

I was feeling pretty good about my work I have put in. Have you ever thought you were doing really good and then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am ever so thankful for the pull of the Holy Spirit, and thankful to those who use it to help others. It’s extremely important to have people around you that are feeding into your end game, not those that drain you. Proverbs speaks of the importance of wisdom. In Chapter 1 Verse 5, a man (or woman) of understanding will acquire wisdom and increase learning. Again in Verse 7, fearing the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and fools despise wisdom and instruction. You get what I’m putting down here. God is VERY serious about always learning. As Paul says in Philippians (3:12) we have not arrived at our goal, but we will continue to press on for what Jesus has for us. Again in 1 Corinthians (9:24-27) we are here for the race and the ultimate prize of a forever crown. We are to go into “strict training”. The Bible does not say, WHOOP you’re saved through Jesus’ blood. You’re done. We are to fight a daily battle. He’s proud. He’s taking us to Heaven. But we are to work while we are here. Work on ourselves, Romans 12:2, by testing, what is good and acceptable and perfect. And work on the world, Matthew 4:19, he is making us fishers of men.

Which brings me to my latest epiphany. I met with a pastor recently. He is the husband of a work friend of mine. I met with him thinking I was going to whine about my life and he was going to pat me on the back and tell me everything was going to be ok and blame the entire world, and not my precious self. This man, with the complete guidance of the Holy Spirit, ripped through the walls of adult coping skills learned over a 15 year period, and got to the very root of my pain and suffering. IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES. I am not going to sugar coat anything. I was raw and angry and embarrassed. I hysterically cried. I waved my hands around explaining that I had already dealt with my childhood pain and I did not want to go through it again. I could not keep my composure. I explained to him that I have been in counseling for years. I have been through step studies with Celebrate Recovery (completing one soon). I had made amends and forgiven all who hurt me. I meant every bit of my work. I was giving my resume, at this point, as a defense mechanism. We only had an hour and I was thankful. I left him feeling so angry. He could feel it but was kind through it all. I always did have to take time to process and am not silent until I do as I should be. Its a character defect.

As I processed, I realized that God had used this poor man to do His work. This man, who was a stranger, showed me that I had not truly given my pain to God. I may have tried. I may have worked through the feelings, but I did not completely give it to God. He showed me by taking me back to when it all started. I was that little girl again, lost and unprotected. This man showed me that God was there and he was waiting to take it all. Not help me manage it, but release it fully.

I have a new lease on life.

No miracles on the outside have happened. My life hasn’t completely taken a turn. Life is still extremely hard for me right now. But I have a peace that I did not have before.

(Philippians 3:12-14)Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Labels don’t decide my life

Life has been a whirlwind. My stability that I took years to build has been slowly crumbling under my feet.

I see things but I don’t…….admit them at first. Now I’m head deep in a life that wasn’t quite prepared to have me in it yet.

I’m reminded of the scripture in Isaiah (26:3) that says God will keep us peaceful because we trust in Him. He does not say the chaos will go away. He does not say that he will shield us from our own consequences. He is a loving God but He is a God that shows us the work that must be done. When we are steadfast, he will help us hold onto peace in the life WE have chosen to live.

This has been an almost all consuming past 6 months. I have found myself letting go of what I KNOW is right and grasping onto fight or flight. That is not what God wants. I have allowed the devil to reach into my home and turn things upside down. The devil doesn’t just attack you, he attacks your family, your friends, your church, your work, your environment. EVERYTHING. When we let our guard down, he comes in on all sides. I have consumed myself with world problems and that was my first and biggest mistake.

In John (14:27) Jesus gives HIS peace to us. Jesus is not the world and he makes it clear so, Jesus giving us HIS peace is beyond our understanding. When Jesus says not to be afraid, He means it.

I have always said, I am not like a lot of Christians. I don’t fight the urge to think God doesn’t love me. I have been blessed with an understanding that He absolutely does and nothing will ever change that. I do, however, realize too late, that I have fallen back into the world and I have to fight to get back out. I have to fight to TRUST that He’s been here. He knows everything before it happens. This isn’t anything new to Him. Even in my mistrust, which in turn, you could say, shows that I DON’T truly understand His love. What a slap to His face and yet He still loves me.

God wants us to love, not with our love, because it isn’t enough, but with His. If I can love myself, my family, my community, with His love, there is nothing greater. Do you ever feel a strong pull to love others with your love and realize THAT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA????

So I leave you for this moment with an assurance that although life is extremely rocky right now, I am dying of myself and becoming new in Him. Again. For the billionth time. Because thank you, Grace and Mercy.

Back from July

Hello all. I have really been feeling a tug to get my writing started again. I hadn’t been on my site since July. I logged on today and read my last post, as I had SLIGHTLY forgotten when the last time I was on. WOW………..

Here we are in December. That post is so definitive to where life was and is now. It’s been a whole 30948459438 years tied into the last 6 months (It feels like it, yall feel me?).

Where I am today? I’m knee deep into a Step Study (Celebrate Recovery, woooohoooo), pulling out all the ick of my life, trying to ensure a somewhat better, stable, future for anyone I may come in contact with. You see, in life, once you are in recovery, you’re never out of it. It’s never complete. It’s ” I’m in recovery” not “I’m recovered”. Yes, I no longer have a substance issue, but the tough stuff stays with you. Triggers happen whenever. Plus, I never finished a full study so I am VERY excited to have the opportunity to complete what I started years ago. I have hurts, habits and hang ups that I work on daily. Some old, some new. All being dealt with at the hand of a SUPER strong sponsor, a glorious and imperfect group of ladies and God.

The funny thing about working on yourself….the devil listens very intently to that. It’s his playing field. He tap dances on our attempts and successes in life. Well listen here, jerk, God’s got this. I am not living in fear. I am living proof that God reigns and will always.

We are all living in this pandemic filled, life. Everyone is teetering on the idea of being too careful and not being careful enough. Do we trust the world, or not? It’s an every day, where am I at TODAY, kind of life.

I have since changed jobs. I am no longer in social work. I am a special education assistant at a virtual learning school. It does not fill my soul like caseworking but I am very thankful for the uplifting environment. I get wellness breaks and we have book studies. It’s definitely a different life.

I am working on finding ways to feed my helping heart. One way is I am co-leading a group for any and all struggles. It’s helps me stay focused on good vibes and it’s helping out others. Win win.

My best dog friend dies suddenly. It hit hard for the family. She was the tiniest boxer, and those that know the story, know I fought HARD to get her back when she strangely disappeared years ago. We gave her the best life we could for 6 years.

The fiance and I attempted several different times in several different ways, a wedding, but it just didn’t work out. We had Covid, life and location issues the first time, the second time, one of our pastors and the grandparents had Covid. We ended up going to the jail at bonding and visitation and had our friend stamp her seal on the marriage license and took it to the courthouse to pay our fees. What a strange way to make a lifelong decision. I did call his and my pastor to meet us at the courthouse for a prayer and blessing. THAT was special. We are hoping to have a wedding ceremony in 2021.

You see, like I said before. The devil attacks. He’s been attacking us hard. I have dropped to my knees, screamed in my car, outside, anywhere, I have had a prayer chain of strong in faith believers, loud prayers for protection over our family.

We lost my husband’s father this year. It was inevitable but unexpectedly abrupt. I had just spent the last year getting to know him and, like always, it feels so unfinished. The last moment with him, he was in his big chair. He was mostly conscious. I sat in his lap and we just held each other. Tightly. God blessed me with that moment. He blessed both of us with that moment. Matter of fact, he blessed the hubs, also, as he was standing directly in front of us. The hubs went on a special men’s 4-day retreat in July and his father passed away while he was gone. His mother sent me on a plane to Ohio to tell him and get him back safely. We barely made it back in one mental piece. Our lives have been completely turned upside down since his father got sick.

Hubs left his job as a deputy to pursue a state trooper life but decided against it and has since returned to being a deputy. We have talked about building a house, we are working out land options with my grandfather, but timing and Covid are everything. 5 people in our tiny house is a struggle but I’m bound and determined to make sure it’s Gods timing and not ours.

My mother and grandparents have self quarantined due to health issues and is has been hard on us all. I miss them. I try to visit my grandparents on their porch for coffee time when I can and I try to connect with my mother on the phone often. I’m trying to respect their space and worries, but at the same time, I struggle with loss of time spent.

I just keep praying that God will intervene where He already knows it’s needed. I just keep praying.

Scriptures that I have been holding onto are:

Proverbs 16:9- In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.

Philippians 3:12-14- Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that which Christ took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 43:19-For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! DO you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

1 Chronicles 16:11- Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek his presence continually.

The day before the day

We woke up at 530 Thursday (5.14.20) morning. I rushed around the house like I always do. I have to feed the chickens, ducks, then the outside dogs, then the inside dogs, then the reptiles and fur balls. I’m telling the kids to get ready. Pack the last of their things. Finish their chores and brush their teeth. We get on the road in not too bad of timing. We have a jam fest on the way. It was fun as we remembered songs of our younger years and the passion we felt behind them. We are both serious about our tunes! We drive 5 plus hours down to the prettiest white sand beaches of Florida.

We got there too early and our room wasn’t ready so they allowed us to use the facilities until it was. The kids played in and out of the water and under the 5 story man made water fall. The water was FREEZING so we didn’t get in. We applied then reapplied sunscreen as pasty white folks must do. Hours go by and the room is finally ready. We get our luggage up to the room and at this point, we are all starving and tetering on hangry. It’s dangerous when you’re a group of 5.

Crab. That’s all I’ve been talking about, really my whole adult life, but the last few weeks especially. We just so happen to have a crab place RIGHT BESIDE US so we walk to it. We have the most polite waiter and our children really show out by using their manners and ordering their own food. They make us so proud.

We chow down. I know I say this every time but it’s the best crab ever. He gives me my lemon slices and old bay seasoning and I’m in heaven. I look around at Jsmiff, and the kids. I’m the most blessed woman. He feels it too. It’s a sense of peace when everything is going right. Even in between moments of chaos. This. This is what I live for.

After I finish my 1.5 pounds of crab and a slice of homemade key lime pie, and everyone else cleans their plate, HE wants to go take some pictures at the beach. Should have been my first clue, but it wasn’t. We paid for our meal, our waiter mentioned how well our children behaved and thanked us.

We walked to the beach. Justin took pictures of the kids first then asked Ford to take one of us. Ok. Cool. So he does but he wants us to move over this way and look over there at the pier. Still so clueless. He says ok take our picture and this fool is down on his knee. WITH A RING. I’ve never been in this situation before but I can tell you, wow. Everything is slow motion but fast and so blurry but the most memorable. I think I said yes. I had to ask him, before bed, in a panic, OMG did I ever say yes. Yes. The answer is yes.

I apologized for being a turd. I can be a bit of a smart mouth at times and hugged him like it was my first hug of forever. I kissed him. I’m not sure I have stopped smiling since.

See. This is bittersweet. He wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for his tradegy and I wouldn’t be here today if I knew my own worth long ago. But what a beautiful way to start our new life.

The best part about this is that he had the children in on it the whole time. How special is it that they can forever say they did this part and that part and so on. They were all so happy. My 2 seem genuinely happy for this decision. I love them and I love this life that they will have from here on out.

I was slightly teary when he proposed but it wasn’t until I hugged his son that I cried. That little boy loves me. And I love him. My biggest promise isn’t just to God that I’m a Proverbs 31 wife. It’s that I’m that boys love and comfort for the rest of his life. His mommy left this Earth way too soon and now I have the responsibility to make sure he knows Christ and that he is loved.

With the biggest goofy smiles on both our faces, we walked back to the hotel, told the family, put it on social media and we went to bed as soon to be married, us. What a beautiful feeling.

I COULD NOT sleep. The bed we have was not like our King at home. He has sleeping troubles so I always worry my moving will wake him up and in a smaller bed, that left a lot of uncomfortable hours. I finally got up about 4 and decided I was done sleeping. Or trying to. I went onto the balcony. I watched the waves cap as that was really all I could see. I had such a strong praying time with God. I prayed that He guide our future marriage in the way that He wants and I prayed that we follow His teachings. I prayed that I would be a good mother to all 3 of my children. I also prayed for his late wife. I let her know I would never remove her from our home and that I had Smiff from here on out. I had told Landon the night before that I wanted him to know his mommy would always be a part of our family and I showed him an idea for the wedding. He hugged me so tight. I told all the children I loved them and I prayed hard for them this morning. I prayed that God show him the way to be the best most respectful step father and I, a step mother. We got this.

I feel such good things to come.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my thoughts and for your support.

God is here

I was feeling pretty good about my work I have put in. Have you ever thought you were doing really good and then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a new lease on life.

No miracles on the outside have happened. My life hasn’t completely taken a turn. Life is still extremely hard for me right now. But I have a peace that I did not have before.