There’s part of life that is too quiet. You ever notice that?
They are the loudest to your soul but silent to the outside world.
I’m in a season of silence. Partially, my own fault. Partially, because it isn’t my battle to fight.
I have a certain suffering that is going on and I feel dramatically, like I’m dying. But not a death. But if a slow slipping into insanity.
I feel as though it isn’t safe to speak to my friends and family as they are typical humans who judge and direct. I need someone that is a safe space. I need someone who has a clue how I feel and will not look at me like I’m selfishly feeling.
This is all for today.
The medication has been ordered. It will be shipped to my door.
Wow. Talk about service.
This just got real folks.
I think I’ve said that for every step of this process.
I can’t stand needles. I have never been able to manage it. From the time I was a little girl to the time last week my blood was drawn. But that is why I’m that much more excited to do this for this couple. Every needle that gets jabbed into my fatty muscle means one step closer for my couple to have their dream.
I accidentally Internet searched IVF because I had a question about night time shots.
BAD IDEA FOLKS!!
It overwhelmed me slightly. But at the end of the day God’s got me through this. I don’t need a man for support. I don’t need a huge support of friends. I have a family. I have my “baby mama”. I have the “knowing” this gift is about to be a reality.
I am so ready for this. The shots are only a small part of it. I will make it through the shots and I will be implanted. I will pray all day every day for the baby to grow in my womb.
God knows us even before the womb. So God already knows these babies.
How beautiful is that?
Tata for now! 💜
So many things.
Beautiful. Maternal. Successful. Gentle. Loving. Many more things.
But what do we hide?
You know. The monster inside. Scraping our walls to get out. The tornado inside our bodies, twisting and turning and causing chaos. Dissecting every thought in our mind. Dissecting every intention in anyone else’s.
I’ve cried 4 separate times today. Once over the pains of my job. Once when I was talking to my grandmother about my sweet and wonderful deceased great grandmother. Once because I wondered what the point of life was. Once when I watched a video about a girl and her dog. I haven’t cried in a month. And will cry again in a month exactly.
I’ve not been able to sleep normal for a week. I’ve desired the touch of a man and decided all men are evil.
I’ve determined my life is empty and I’ve determined I can’t keep going on like I have been.
I feel a deep, dark, depression. It’s cold and lonely here. It’s confusing. I fight the urge to ruin everything I’ve worked for. Quit my job. Run away. From everything.
And in 2 weeks it will all go away.
And in 2 more weeks, it will all begin again.
PMDD. It’s real. It’s here. And I’m sorry if you struggle.
My heart is broken. Seems to be the norm right now. It’s just a season. That doesn’t make it hurt less.
My children have endured a pain no kid should but yet the majority of kids in their generation do. The loss of love.
My son never knew his father and I together. I divorced my daughters father when she was a toddler. They both have relationships with their father but they do not know a nuclear family.
Here we are again years later and my children hurt.
I allowed them to get to know someone before he and I had truly had a chance to get to know each other.
It’s just about impossible to date as a single parent. Him and I were both single parents. We had a hard time seeing each other away from each other’s kids. So that’s how it happened.
Fast forward a few months and we realized there were more things needing to be worked on individually before there could ever be someone else’s someone.
Things didn’t end well. We tried to keep as much from the kids as possible.
Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for.
They also try to fill in the holes in what they don’t know or understand.
We all ran into each other for the first time this evening and it was way more than any of us knew how to manage. The children caught themselves in gossip of drama they had no business discussing nor did they understand what they were seeing.
My heart is broken.
I tried my best to stumble over all of the emotions in my own mind to try and help theirs.
My son ends up crying on the way home. I wanted to but kept it together.
It didn’t go well.
Life is dumb sometimes.
We get home. We eat. I explain to the kids that God wants us to always rely on Him wholly. He wants us to love Him first. God knows who we will be when we grow up. He knows who we will marry. He knows everything. He just wants us to have faith in His good plan. We pray for all of us. We give it to God.
Be angry. At someone. Or something. But prolonged anger doesn’t help. We work through our anger so that we can enjoy life.
The world says it’s time to work through anger but, deep down, do you want to? Enter bubbling under the surface, anger, stage left. You think it’s hidden, but it is shining brightly for everyone to see. The hurt isn’t talked about. The hurt is denied, causing present problems. Unresolved hurt, causes pain over and over. Unresolved hurt causes pain to others.
Break down. It’s the only way. It doesn’t have to be in front of an audience. But it better get done in front of God. Life goes on after the hurt. If one stays in hurt, one loses out. Hurt wins. What caused the hurt, wins.
Let it go. Let God take responsibility for any repercussions. Let God decide what matters and what doesn’t. Your mind isn’t very good at it. Breath out pain, breath in hope.
Breath. Out. Pain. Breath. In. Hope.