Labels don’t decide my life

Life has been a whirlwind. My stability that I took years to build has been slowly crumbling under my feet.

I see things but I don’t…….admit them at first. Now I’m head deep in a life that wasn’t quite prepared to have me in it yet.

I’m reminded of the scripture in Isaiah (26:3) that says God will keep us peaceful because we trust in Him. He does not say the chaos will go away. He does not say that he will shield us from our own consequences. He is a loving God but He is a God that shows us the work that must be done. When we are steadfast, he will help us hold onto peace in the life WE have chosen to live.

This has been an almost all consuming past 6 months. I have found myself letting go of what I KNOW is right and grasping onto fight or flight. That is not what God wants. I have allowed the devil to reach into my home and turn things upside down. The devil doesn’t just attack you, he attacks your family, your friends, your church, your work, your environment. EVERYTHING. When we let our guard down, he comes in on all sides. I have consumed myself with world problems and that was my first and biggest mistake.

In John (14:27) Jesus gives HIS peace to us. Jesus is not the world and he makes it clear so, Jesus giving us HIS peace is beyond our understanding. When Jesus says not to be afraid, He means it.

I have always said, I am not like a lot of Christians. I don’t fight the urge to think God doesn’t love me. I have been blessed with an understanding that He absolutely does and nothing will ever change that. I do, however, realize too late, that I have fallen back into the world and I have to fight to get back out. I have to fight to TRUST that He’s been here. He knows everything before it happens. This isn’t anything new to Him. Even in my mistrust, which in turn, you could say, shows that I DON’T truly understand His love. What a slap to His face and yet He still loves me.

God wants us to love, not with our love, because it isn’t enough, but with His. If I can love myself, my family, my community, with His love, there is nothing greater. Do you ever feel a strong pull to love others with your love and realize THAT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA????

So I leave you for this moment with an assurance that although life is extremely rocky right now, I am dying of myself and becoming new in Him. Again. For the billionth time. Because thank you, Grace and Mercy.

Silent suffering

There’s part of life that is too quiet. You ever notice that?

They are the loudest to your soul but silent to the outside world.

I’m in a season of silence. Partially, my own fault. Partially, because it isn’t my battle to fight.

I have a certain suffering that is going on and I feel dramatically, like I’m dying. But not a death. But if a slow slipping into insanity.

I feel as though it isn’t safe to speak to my friends and family as they are typical humans who judge and direct. I need someone that is a safe space. I need someone who has a clue how I feel and will not look at me like I’m selfishly feeling.

This is all for today.

You’re putting that where?

3.14.19. 830am

I arrive at the doctor’s office early. I try so hard to be on time and early when possible, anywhere I go.

I’m starting the actual process of being a surrogate. We’ve talked, we’ve planned, we’ve discussed. Now it’s time for the real deal. Elbow grease and physical work. They draw my blood first. Not quite sure why. I’m not good at asking questions. I go back into the lobby and wait to be called. I have the worst outfit on for the event. A jumpsuit. The doctor calls me back.

There they are. The stirrups of shame. No one likes the stirrups. But we get hiked up anyway. She says, in my own words of course, use this piece of large papered blanket to cover up your down south lady spot. I said well, this is a one piece, I have court today. She said um I will get you a gown. She brings me a gown that is so unattractive and she laughs about the appearance. Like I’m going to get a hot date while I’m there. Anyway. She leaves me to undress and returns.

She assures me it won’t hurt. She just has to put this doodad in this area. Wwhhooaaaaa

I tell her it’s been a long time since I had sex so hopefully everything goes in well (in my mind I’m thinking, I hope she can get around the cobwebs.) She has a student with her so she’s explaining the process to her. I crack jokes. It’s what I do. We laugh about dating and the pool that’s available. It’s an epedimic.

Anyway.

She “scratches” my uterus, which I later find out is awfully uncomfortable for way longer than expected. She releases a syringe of water to make sure my lining is OK. She says everything looks great and of course I have to joke about putting “pristine uterus” on a dating profile. She’s excited. I’m excited. My couple is excited. I should have an embryo planted by May 1 if all goes well. She leaves the room and I put my clothes back on and leave.

Here we go!! It. Just. Got. Real. 😊

Signed sealed delivered

3.4.19. I signed the final contract. It’s official. I’m going to be a vessel of hope. I’m going to give the gift of a bigger family. I’m going to give a baby to a mom and dad who are unable to do it themselves. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby I can. I want to have a good pregnancy. I want to be able to give the baby over appropriately when the time comes.

The clinic is giving an estimated May date for pregnancy. I will go through some hormone shots and prepping my uterus will take a few weeks, also. I’m going to be a mom. Without the mom part.

I pray for this unborn child.

Surrogate beginnings

I have desired to be a surrogate for years. I felt the pull after my son was was born because parenthood is so beautiful. I felt it heavily when a close friend of mine lost her newborn child. She ended up being able to birth a child and didn’t need my womb. My best friend was struggling with getting pregnant for years and I offered the option to her but they ended up getting divorced.

Here I am. 32 years old. A church friend of mine has gone through such a long draining emotional process of foster/adoption, ending in a very painful removal of an infant shortly after receiving the child. She had made it known she and her husband had decided on surrogacy with a donor embryo. I jumped at the opportunity. I told her I wanted to pray for a time and ask God to press in my heart what to do. I felt completely accepting to the ability to gift them a child. I asked several close friends and family and decided on yes.

This is huge.

Please respond with replies of support, disagreeance, thoughts and please oh please, if you’ve been a surrogate, get with me!!!

Let the journey begin!

Soul searchin

My heart is so broken. My heart is so sad. My body aches with pain. I’ve gone over and over and over. What could I have done different? What did I do so wrong? What did I miss? How can a single heart take what I have put mine through.

All I know is to seek God. He fulfills me. He is my all. He doesn’t want me to hurt. He doesn’t want me to live in agony. He wants me to ask myself what I am going to do to heal.

I don’t know.

I can only be responsible for me. I can pray for God to work in others lives but it’s not my cross to bear. I have to ask what I can do to improve. I have to find forgiveness. I have to find peace. I have to dive into my Heavenly Father’s arms and ask that he hold me so tight. I am enough. His love for me is enough.

Amen.