When a friendship dies

Nothing lasts forever. Wouldn’t it be nice? Even your thoughts are fleeting. You live life one way then the next moment life all changes. In this life, we are taught to lean on others. We don’t survive easily in solitude. But in solitude there is no pain from loss. Nonetheless, we must stray away from solitude.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 New International Version (NIV)

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.


But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.

10 If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.

But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.

When you give your trust to someone, you are giving them a piece of your soul. You are a partner. A friend. A friend takes up a large place in your heart.

Every friend I have made has had a special place in my heart. I have learned so much from each friend that has crossed my path. If you are reading this and you and I have enjoyed a friendship, past or present, thank you. I am who I am because of the things God has allowed me to learn from you.

God made my heart big. I haven’t always been very responsible with this big heart. God gave me a big heart but he also gave me a big brain. I forget to use them both simultaneously at times. This means that I can hurt myself. I can hurt others.

Not every person that crosses your path is meant to be a deep, safe, secure, friend. We are to go to God about every friendship, relationship, acquaintance, we have. Why??

There is wicked in this world. The evil is alive and well and he will use any situation to torture your God-seeking soul. The devil uses what is closest to your heart to deceive you. Mine has always been Fellowship. The closer I am with God, the more the devil uses the people around me. It isn’t fair to those people. It isn’t fair to me. The devil has never been accused of being fair. But the devil smells my genuine love for God and for people. And he devours it all. He devours my thinking. He blinds me. I seek God in every aspect of my life. And I still end up a failure. My God is a beautiful God. He uses my failure and picks me back up. God holds me like I can’t explain. Comfort. In the midst of this turmoil. Pain. Embarrassment. Loss of security. Misunderstanding. Scar tissue. Bewilderment.

Proverbs 27:5-6 New International Version (NIV)

5 Better is open rebuke
than hidden love.

God is pure. God is good. God loves me. I love God.

I will continue to pray for God’s will in my life. I will continue to LOVE. I will continue to ask God to sharpen my senses to inconsistencies and inappropriate surroundings. I will continue to pray for all of my friends. Past and present. I will ask forgiveness for my wrongdoings. I will ask for clarification. I will ask for discernment.

Colossians 3:12-14 New International Version (NIV)

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Amen.

The tough stuff…Part 1

Here I go.

I am 10 years sober from everything. Sober not just from substances. Sober from being lost. Sober from feeling utterly unwanted. Sober from being disgusted in my own skin. Sober from being completely consumed in ick. Sober from decisions that hurt others deeply.

I can’t exactly remember when I started using. I have never been great at remembering my past. I’m not quite sure if it’s the drugs or that I just don’t want to remember. I grew up in a decent home. I grew up with a nasty secret that wasn’t just my own. I learned shame at an early age and I had no one to talk to about it besides a few choice friends that didn’t know how to help me. I lived a double life. During the day, life was normal. There were family struggles but we survived. At night, my life was not my own. I became part of a movie I watched outside of my body. The goodies for bribing were my favorite part about the nights. I didn’t sleep a lot. Several years later, the movie stopped. I can’t remember why? I believe it had something to do with giving my life to Christ. I had such a hard time with friends. I had some great friends but I was so uncomfortable in my own body and mind, it was hard to know how to be a friend; how to be friendly in an appropriate way. I was a late bloomer, too. I didn’t hit 4 feet until 7th grade. I didn’t get boobies until I was probably 17. No guys were interested in me and that was probably a good thing. I wouldn’t have known what to do if they were. I remember all of my friends during this age were all getting boyfriends, making long lasting friendships. I, for some reason, was slipping into a secluded life,surrounded by people, downward spiral. I even made the cheerleading team. I was tiny, they would be crazy not to add me for top-of-the-pyramid purposes. That, still, didn’t help my inward turmoil.

I remember going through several pregnancy scares with my friends. I had never had a boyfriend. It was a strange world for me. They all went on double dates. Sometimes I tagged along, mostly I attached myself to marijuana and alcohol. Again, I don’t remember details of how it all came to be. Then I branched out. I thought it made me feel involved. I learned how to roll joints, blunts, pack a bowl, drink everyone under the table, do the most incredibly stupid things, etc. I was a good business owner. I was cool. I learned that alcohol blocked the dark within me. I was wide open. I didn’t turn down any party favors at this point. Anything was fair game. And when I say anything, I mean everything.

LIFE. WAS. GOOD.

I began going to parties. I began wearing a little bit less. I began getting the attention of fellas. WHOOEEEE this is what it was all about. I had my first boyfriend. Later, I would find out that he had gotten a local gal pregnant while we were together. He chose not to tell me and to not be a part of that baby’s life. He’s now a sex offender locked up somewhere for revocation and he is far from my life (God saves, even when you’re stupid). I began a strange life of lows I never realized until I was out of it. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was. I had a guy that would be interested but you know…..they were never interested enough to take this gal on a date. I had a bad habit of being interested in bad guys. I had ZERO understanding of love.

Fast forward…………I decided I would move out of my parents house at 17. I quit school my senior year because I was having way too much fun to sit in a school desk all day. I disrespected several teachers who genuinely cared about me and my success (making amends hit hard with two specific teachers, S.D and T. R). I lived with several other lost folks. We all were so blind to what life had for us if we would just accept the good and leave the bad. I got so consumed in this life I thought I had to have I didn’t realize that I had dove down a horrible path that would end up leaving plenty dead.

A few friends and I thought Limestone County wasn’t big enough for us and we took off to Nashville, TN. 17 years old, no parental supervision and in a big city.

What could go wrong??

Everything. The answer is EVERYTHING.

Psalm 25

Because my HOPE is in You. This scripture soothes my soul. This is the prayer I pray to God. One of many many many daily, minute, second, prayers. I hope someone out there reads this at just the right time. I hope you know you are loved by our one true God. He made you. He said YOU. YOU are good enough. He sees through all the junk. He loves you.

Psalm 25.

In you, Lord my God,
I put my trust.

2 I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one who hopes in you
will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
who are treacherous without cause.

4 Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
5 Guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
7 Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,
for you, Lord, are good.


teach me your paths.
5 Guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
7 Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me,
for you, Lord, are good.

8 Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful
toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, Lord,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

12 Who, then, are those who fear theLord?
He will instruct them in the waysthey should choose.
13 They will spend their days in prosperity,
and their descendants will inherit the land.
14 The Lord confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the Lord,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.


he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the Lord,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!

17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!


for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!

17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope, Lord,is in you.

22 Deliver Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

You’re not wrong. You’re missing out on LOVE.

Don’t be “one of those Christians” and bash folks who don’t have your beliefs. I love God. He’s my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, my keeper, my daddy. He isn’t yours? Cool. You’re missing out on an unconditional love but you’re still a human being with thoughts and feelings.

We, as this 2018 society, have this idea that if it’s not how we live, it must be wrong.  This isn’t so.  There are so many ways to skin a cat (why is this even a saying, gag).  In my daily life, I have Christian friends. I have friends that don’t believe in anything. I have friends that believe in themselves above everything else. Within all of those categories, everyone believes differently. You can even read the Bible and see differently than someone else.  I believe God knows what he is doing. I believe that God put me on this earth to be his hands and feet and that it isn’t my responsibility to make people believe in God. It’s my responsibility to show everyone love.  If someone I run into doesn’t believe in God, they may just believe in what MY love for God “looks like”.  They will see the goodness in what I (mostly) do.   So instead of bashing you for what isn’t even my business, I will just love ya. Deal?

Galatians 5:22-23

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

To have a friend, be a friend.

I sit back and think on life sometimes, well, I’m a female, so a lot of times. Who are we kidding? EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. MOMENT. HOUR. SECOND…..

Where was I?

This world is huge.  7.5 billion strong.  That’s a whole lot of folks.  That is a whole lot of chances to give out nice and to accept nice.  I wake up every morning and immediately become determined to be nice to people. Some days I have to beg my inner bad attitude to stay focused.  Some days I have to calm myself down because I will give everyone, everything and end up with nothing.

Life is about moderation. I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. Nothing is no good. Too much is way too much. Something. Now that’s where it’s at.

I am surrounded by some of the most understanding, caring, people.  I have good family, friends and co workers.  I even have clients and people at places of business that I enjoy to see often.  I want, at the end of the day, for those people to be thankful they know me. I don’t want them to ever wish they had never met me.

I’m what they call an introverted extravert.  I thoroughly enjoy people. I thoroughly enjoy quiet though.  Conversation can sometimes cause me anxiety.  Sometimes just having someone near is enough (5 love languages-quality time).

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.
“Pooh!” he whispered.
“Yes, Piglet?”
“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”
A.A. Milne, The House at Pooh Corner

 

 

2am and anxious

How important is your side? How important is my side? We are made for relationship. Please explain to me then, why it is so complicated? Why does it feel as if the more you try, the worse it ends up?

These are the wrong questions to ask!

“Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

Now riddle me this. Do we follow this when things go great? Yes. Do we follow this when we run into trouble? No.

How can one get from, my feelings got hurt so now I’m angry, to a mind open to love. The answer is simple. God. God’s love has to be number one. That way, it’s not your side or my side, it’s God’s side.

…..God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no FEAR in love. But perfect love drives out FEAR, because FEAR has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I John 4:16-18

Think back on all the times you’ve been angry. It’s more than likely been driven by fear. Fear of an unknown future (and quite possible even more fueled by an cluttered past) causes us to forget love. Chaos ensues.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will GUARD your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ. Philippians 4:6,7

So here we are. We have verses that soothe our souls. We are to think about things that are true, noble right, pure, lovely and admirable. We are to drive out fear by our love for God. We are to let go of anxiety and pray.