Labels don’t decide my life

Life has been a whirlwind. My stability that I took years to build has been slowly crumbling under my feet.

I see things but I don’t…….admit them at first. Now I’m head deep in a life that wasn’t quite prepared to have me in it yet.

I’m reminded of the scripture in Isaiah (26:3) that says God will keep us peaceful because we trust in Him. He does not say the chaos will go away. He does not say that he will shield us from our own consequences. He is a loving God but He is a God that shows us the work that must be done. When we are steadfast, he will help us hold onto peace in the life WE have chosen to live.

This has been an almost all consuming past 6 months. I have found myself letting go of what I KNOW is right and grasping onto fight or flight. That is not what God wants. I have allowed the devil to reach into my home and turn things upside down. The devil doesn’t just attack you, he attacks your family, your friends, your church, your work, your environment. EVERYTHING. When we let our guard down, he comes in on all sides. I have consumed myself with world problems and that was my first and biggest mistake.

In John (14:27) Jesus gives HIS peace to us. Jesus is not the world and he makes it clear so, Jesus giving us HIS peace is beyond our understanding. When Jesus says not to be afraid, He means it.

I have always said, I am not like a lot of Christians. I don’t fight the urge to think God doesn’t love me. I have been blessed with an understanding that He absolutely does and nothing will ever change that. I do, however, realize too late, that I have fallen back into the world and I have to fight to get back out. I have to fight to TRUST that He’s been here. He knows everything before it happens. This isn’t anything new to Him. Even in my mistrust, which in turn, you could say, shows that I DON’T truly understand His love. What a slap to His face and yet He still loves me.

God wants us to love, not with our love, because it isn’t enough, but with His. If I can love myself, my family, my community, with His love, there is nothing greater. Do you ever feel a strong pull to love others with your love and realize THAT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA????

So I leave you for this moment with an assurance that although life is extremely rocky right now, I am dying of myself and becoming new in Him. Again. For the billionth time. Because thank you, Grace and Mercy.

Silent suffering

There’s part of life that is too quiet. You ever notice that?

They are the loudest to your soul but silent to the outside world.

I’m in a season of silence. Partially, my own fault. Partially, because it isn’t my battle to fight.

I have a certain suffering that is going on and I feel dramatically, like I’m dying. But not a death. But if a slow slipping into insanity.

I feel as though it isn’t safe to speak to my friends and family as they are typical humans who judge and direct. I need someone that is a safe space. I need someone who has a clue how I feel and will not look at me like I’m selfishly feeling.

This is all for today.

God is here

It is no hidden secret that I have taken my entire adult life to focus on healing (so I may be reasonably happy in this life and SUPREMELY happy with You forever in the next -CR) . I have prayed for God to prune me. I have asked God to convict me of what is not OF HIM. God loves me enough to take the baby (and the backwards) steps it has taken me to get where He wants me to be.

I was feeling pretty good about my work I have put in. Have you ever thought you were doing really good and then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am ever so thankful for the pull of the Holy Spirit, and thankful to those who use it to help others. It’s extremely important to have people around you that are feeding into your end game, not those that drain you. Proverbs speaks of the importance of wisdom. In Chapter 1 Verse 5, a man (or woman) of understanding will acquire wisdom and increase learning. Again in Verse 7, fearing the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and fools despise wisdom and instruction. You get what I’m putting down here. God is VERY serious about always learning. As Paul says in Philippians (3:12) we have not arrived at our goal, but we will continue to press on for what Jesus has for us. Again in 1 Corinthians (9:24-27) we are here for the race and the ultimate prize of a forever crown. We are to go into “strict training”. The Bible does not say, WHOOP you’re saved through Jesus’ blood. You’re done. We are to fight a daily battle. He’s proud. He’s taking us to Heaven. But we are to work while we are here. Work on ourselves, Romans 12:2, by testing, what is good and acceptable and perfect. And work on the world, Matthew 4:19, he is making us fishers of men.

Which brings me to my latest epiphany. I met with a pastor recently. He is the husband of a work friend of mine. I met with him thinking I was going to whine about my life and he was going to pat me on the back and tell me everything was going to be ok and blame the entire world, and not my precious self. This man, with the complete guidance of the Holy Spirit, ripped through the walls of adult coping skills learned over a 15 year period, and got to the very root of my pain and suffering. IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES. I am not going to sugar coat anything. I was raw and angry and embarrassed. I hysterically cried. I waved my hands around explaining that I had already dealt with my childhood pain and I did not want to go through it again. I could not keep my composure. I explained to him that I have been in counseling for years. I have been through step studies with Celebrate Recovery (completing one soon). I had made amends and forgiven all who hurt me. I meant every bit of my work. I was giving my resume, at this point, as a defense mechanism. We only had an hour and I was thankful. I left him feeling so angry. He could feel it but was kind through it all. I always did have to take time to process and am not silent until I do as I should be. Its a character defect.

As I processed, I realized that God had used this poor man to do His work. This man, who was a stranger, showed me that I had not truly given my pain to God. I may have tried. I may have worked through the feelings, but I did not completely give it to God. He showed me by taking me back to when it all started. I was that little girl again, lost and unprotected. This man showed me that God was there and he was waiting to take it all. Not help me manage it, but release it fully.

I have a new lease on life.

No miracles on the outside have happened. My life hasn’t completely taken a turn. Life is still extremely hard for me right now. But I have a peace that I did not have before.

(Philippians 3:12-14)Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.