Signed sealed delivered

3.4.19. I signed the final contract. It’s official. I’m going to be a vessel of hope. I’m going to give the gift of a bigger family. I’m going to give a baby to a mom and dad who are unable to do it themselves. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby I can. I want to have a good pregnancy. I want to be able to give the baby over appropriately when the time comes.

The clinic is giving an estimated May date for pregnancy. I will go through some hormone shots and prepping my uterus will take a few weeks, also. I’m going to be a mom. Without the mom part.

I pray for this unborn child.

Surrogate beginnings

I have desired to be a surrogate for years. I felt the pull after my son was was born because parenthood is so beautiful. I felt it heavily when a close friend of mine lost her newborn child. She ended up being able to birth a child and didn’t need my womb. My best friend was struggling with getting pregnant for years and I offered the option to her but they ended up getting divorced.

Here I am. 32 years old. A church friend of mine has gone through such a long draining emotional process of foster/adoption, ending in a very painful removal of an infant shortly after receiving the child. She had made it known she and her husband had decided on surrogacy with a donor embryo. I jumped at the opportunity. I told her I wanted to pray for a time and ask God to press in my heart what to do. I felt completely accepting to the ability to gift them a child. I asked several close friends and family and decided on yes.

This is huge.

Please respond with replies of support, disagreeance, thoughts and please oh please, if you’ve been a surrogate, get with me!!!

Let the journey begin!

Soul searchin

My heart is so broken. My heart is so sad. My body aches with pain. I’ve gone over and over and over. What could I have done different? What did I do so wrong? What did I miss? How can a single heart take what I have put mine through.

All I know is to seek God. He fulfills me. He is my all. He doesn’t want me to hurt. He doesn’t want me to live in agony. He wants me to ask myself what I am going to do to heal.

I don’t know.

I can only be responsible for me. I can pray for God to work in others lives but it’s not my cross to bear. I have to ask what I can do to improve. I have to find forgiveness. I have to find peace. I have to dive into my Heavenly Father’s arms and ask that he hold me so tight. I am enough. His love for me is enough.

Amen.

It’s mother’s day. No pressure

You ever notice holidays are a trap? Everything HAS to occur at THIS time and this EXACT way and blah blah blah.

Exhausting.

I learned a long time ago, it’s who you are with and the quality of time spent. Not exact details and times.

I was young. Elementary aged. Half of my family was in El Paso, Texas. The other in Alabama. We spent one Christmas in Bama. The other in Texas. And you know, I never noticed where I was the exact day of Christmas. All I remember is having an abundance of family time and lovin.

Fast forward to now. I’m divorced. My children have a whole other set of family, some that I don’t even know about. My children love their other family. I want them to.

It’s important to me for them to have the best time.

So. Don’t let the holiday consume you. Enjoy who you have, when you have them!

What is what?

I come to you today with a heavy heart. A broken soul. A tired mind.

Once again, I don’t understand.

Can life really be this hard? Can there truly be 3 complete sides to a story? Can one of us be so blinded to what is there and the other be just as blinded?

I’m on my knees. I’m begging God.

I want what God wants. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud. I want peace. But I can’t seem to get it. God, show me.

Proverbs 2: 2-4

Dog Park life

I travel often for my job. Not many overnight trips but definitely exhausting day trips. I get stir crazy in my car so I usually try to find nature where I can for a short “lunch break” . Often, I end up in dog parks.

Dogs are such genuinely happy creatures. Their owners are happier around them. So I come here. I sit. I ponder the life these dogs have. I ponder the life their owners have. I watch their interactions with each other. I think of my dogs at home and wish I could take them on my day trips. My dogs have to deal with a working dog mom. Poor pups.

These owners all do the typical “baby talk” to their dogs. They love it! This particular dog park has an agility course.

The dogs look to their masters with such love. That’s how I look to God. I KNOW God is going to take care of me. I go to him to be spiritually fed. I KNOW He will spiritually feed me. He will ask me to complete courses. I will trust in His guidance. He rewards me with “treats” of Grace and Mercy throughout my day. These dogs love their owners. I think mine is pretty cool, too!!!!

Hoover Dog Park in Hoover, Alabama.