Surrogacy Journey :after implantation

It’s been 4 days. 4 long excruciating days. They talk about this. The 2 week wait. Nothing will prepare you for it though.

I’m not a worry wart normally, but so much is riding on this. So much happiness. I have found myself very distracted. I just want it to work.”they” say, don’t test. You’ll make yourself crazy.

Hi.I’m crazy.

So I’ve taken 3. Because I’m out of control. All say negative. It’s honestly too early to tell. I have a blood test Friday morning. I should wait until then. But I don’t.I have continued taking my estrogen and doing my estrogen shots.

I had a security detail at an Aaron Lewis concert last night and had to manage a shot in between. It didn’t end well.I’m not certain what happened but I can tell you it hurts.Anyway. 4 days since implantation and I’m a nervous wreck.

Y’all pray for me and bebe embryo.

Signed sealed delivered

3.4.19. I signed the final contract. It’s official. I’m going to be a vessel of hope. I’m going to give the gift of a bigger family. I’m going to give a baby to a mom and dad who are unable to do it themselves. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby I can. I want to have a good pregnancy. I want to be able to give the baby over appropriately when the time comes.

The clinic is giving an estimated May date for pregnancy. I will go through some hormone shots and prepping my uterus will take a few weeks, also. I’m going to be a mom. Without the mom part.

I pray for this unborn child.

It’s mother’s day. No pressure

You ever notice holidays are a trap? Everything HAS to occur at THIS time and this EXACT way and blah blah blah.

Exhausting.

I learned a long time ago, it’s who you are with and the quality of time spent. Not exact details and times.

I was young. Elementary aged. Half of my family was in El Paso, Texas. The other in Alabama. We spent one Christmas in Bama. The other in Texas. And you know, I never noticed where I was the exact day of Christmas. All I remember is having an abundance of family time and lovin.

Fast forward to now. I’m divorced. My children have a whole other set of family, some that I don’t even know about. My children love their other family. I want them to.

It’s important to me for them to have the best time.

So. Don’t let the holiday consume you. Enjoy who you have, when you have them!

“Hope now” by:Addison Road. Lyrics

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I’m Yours

[PRE-CHORUS]
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life

[CHORUS]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I’ll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

[PRE-CHORUS]
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life

[CHORUS]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

[CHORUS 2]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
You’ve become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

Structure

I’m sitting here at a supervised visitation. These kids have done nothing but cause mass chaos in the two hours I have been here. The parents verbally get onto them but never follow through on a time out or remove the problem item or any other threats that are given. These children don’t say please or thank you. They don’t say yes or no ma’am. They scream and point instead of using their words. They lash out irrationally. They hurt each other. They hurt themselves.

The parents are half mentally checked out. They have no structure to behave themselves; how do I expect them to parent little thems?

The parents themselves grew up in chaos. They don’t know what anything but dysfunction looks like. I don’t expect them to live like “normal”. I just want safe. I want stable. The children deserve safe and stable.

So how do we get from one extreme to just decent? These parents are exhausted from their life’s choices that brought me here. The children are consumed by crazy being the norm.

Get sober. Get stable. Survive. Then Thrive.

Find positive support. Find somewhere to plug in. Find a better you to be. No one else can do anything for you if you don’t want to do anything for yourself.

The tough stuff…Part 1

Here I go.

I am 10 years sober from everything. Sober not just from substances. Sober from being lost. Sober from feeling utterly unwanted. Sober from being disgusted in my own skin. Sober from being completely consumed in ick. Sober from decisions that hurt others deeply.

I can’t exactly remember when I started using. I have never been great at remembering my past. I’m not quite sure if it’s the drugs or that I just don’t want to remember. I grew up in a decent home. I grew up with a nasty secret that wasn’t just my own. I learned shame at an early age and I had no one to talk to about it besides a few choice friends that didn’t know how to help me. I lived a double life. During the day, life was normal. There were family struggles but we survived. At night, my life was not my own. I became part of a movie I watched outside of my body. The goodies for bribing were my favorite part about the nights. I didn’t sleep a lot. Several years later, the movie stopped. I can’t remember why? I believe it had something to do with giving my life to Christ. I had such a hard time with friends. I had some great friends but I was so uncomfortable in my own body and mind, it was hard to know how to be a friend; how to be friendly in an appropriate way. I was a late bloomer, too. I didn’t hit 4 feet until 7th grade. I didn’t get boobies until I was probably 17. No guys were interested in me and that was probably a good thing. I wouldn’t have known what to do if they were. I remember all of my friends during this age were all getting boyfriends, making long lasting friendships. I, for some reason, was slipping into a secluded life,surrounded by people, downward spiral. I even made the cheerleading team. I was tiny, they would be crazy not to add me for top-of-the-pyramid purposes. That, still, didn’t help my inward turmoil.

I remember going through several pregnancy scares with my friends. I had never had a boyfriend. It was a strange world for me. They all went on double dates. Sometimes I tagged along, mostly I attached myself to marijuana and alcohol. Again, I don’t remember details of how it all came to be. Then I branched out. I thought it made me feel involved. I learned how to roll joints, blunts, pack a bowl, drink everyone under the table, do the most incredibly stupid things, etc. I was a good business owner. I was cool. I learned that alcohol blocked the dark within me. I was wide open. I didn’t turn down any party favors at this point. Anything was fair game. And when I say anything, I mean everything.

LIFE. WAS. GOOD.

I began going to parties. I began wearing a little bit less. I began getting the attention of fellas. WHOOEEEE this is what it was all about. I had my first boyfriend. Later, I would find out that he had gotten a local gal pregnant while we were together. He chose not to tell me and to not be a part of that baby’s life. He’s now a sex offender locked up somewhere for revocation and he is far from my life (God saves, even when you’re stupid). I began a strange life of lows I never realized until I was out of it. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was. I had a guy that would be interested but you know…..they were never interested enough to take this gal on a date. I had a bad habit of being interested in bad guys. I had ZERO understanding of love.

Fast forward…………I decided I would move out of my parents house at 17. I quit school my senior year because I was having way too much fun to sit in a school desk all day. I disrespected several teachers who genuinely cared about me and my success (making amends hit hard with two specific teachers, S.D and T. R). I lived with several other lost folks. We all were so blind to what life had for us if we would just accept the good and leave the bad. I got so consumed in this life I thought I had to have I didn’t realize that I had dove down a horrible path that would end up leaving plenty dead.

A few friends and I thought Limestone County wasn’t big enough for us and we took off to Nashville, TN. 17 years old, no parental supervision and in a big city.

What could go wrong??

Everything. The answer is EVERYTHING.

Judge not?

It’s exhausting to live our lives. You know what is even more exhausting, attempting to live others lives!

Do you ever catch yourself judging another’s life?

Here you are, living your life the best you know how, when you notice someone else is doing their life wrong….ever been in this situation? It’s so hard to focus on your life and every choice you make. It’s even harder to worry about others’ choices.

God knows this about us. Which is why he gives us guidance in several ways.

God asks love of us. He want us to love Him, one another and ourselves. That’s it.

“Jesus chose you to be his friend. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted YOU, in order to bring Him praise.” Romans 15:7

WOW. God accepts me? How I am right now! And all he asks is that we accept others?

Ok. Deal.

“Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us ENCOURAGE one another. “Hebrews 10:24-25

So, instead of worrying about what someone else is doing that we don’t like, we need to focus on encouraging each other in love and good deeds.

God wants us to sharpen each other. (Proverbs 27:17) .

He wants us all to be better, together.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!“Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

We can complain all day about how the other lives. Or we can be thankful that for some reason,they have crossed our paths. They may not be on the same page now, but at one time, even if only for a moment, they were.

“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.” Leviticus 19:18

Security or love. Security AND love.

“No one can build his security upon the nobleness of another person.”
Willa Cather, Alexander’s Bridge

We have this constant desire to be desired. We have this deep within us want to be wanted.  We need it.  The sad part is- we all fail.  We want it for ourselves and we can’t give it to anyone else completely because of it.  The beauty of God is that he knows us. He knows us before we know ourselves (For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13).   He gave man the ability to write what we call “The Bible” so that we could use it as an answer to all of our questions.  Over and over again, God commands us to love.  He knows that there is no other way than love.

1 Corinthians 16:14- Do EVERYTHING in LOVE.

1 John 4:19 We LOVE because He first LOVED us.

1 John 4:7-8 Beloved, let us LOVE one another, for LOVE is from God, and whoever LOVES has been born of God and knows God.  Whoever does not LOVE does not know God, because God is LOVE.

John 13:34-35 A new command I give you: LOVE one another. As I have LOVED you, so you must LOVE one another.  By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you LOVE one another.

John 3:16 For God so LOVED the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 5:8 but God shows his LOVE for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Galatians 5:13 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through LOVE serve one another.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

LOVE.

Ask yourself any question.  Go ahead. Right now. I’ll wait.

 

 

Were you able to answer your own question with LOVE?  Regardless if you wanted that to be the answer or not, the answer is love.

How can I be a better person? LOVE.  Why aren’t they a better person? LOVE.  Why is this world losing control? LOVE. Why did he/she have to die? LOVE.  It may be that there needs to be more love. Or that there was an absence of love.  Or that you just had to love them through the hardest time so that they felt peace.  All signs lead to love.

We will never be perfect.  We will never be anyone’s dream come true.  Depressing, right? NOPE.  We should feel relieved.  Relieved of the responsibility of being someone’s everything. Who wants that stress of that job, anyway??  God is our everything.  Until we fully accept that in our hearts, we will walk aimlessly through this life.  Accept God.  Accept Love.

“Where does your security lie? Is God your refuge, your hiding place, your stronghold, your shepherd, your counselor, your friend, your redeemer, your saviour, your guide? If He is, you don’t need to search any further for security.”
Elisabeth Elliot

****************A tidbit of information on Elisabeth Elliot.  She worked as a missionary. Her parents worked as missionaries.  Her husband, who was a missionary, was speared to death in the mission field trying to make contact with an Indian group in Ecuador.  Mrs. Elliot continued to work with the same group that murdered her husband, all for the love of missionary work.  WOW.