What is what?

I come to you today with a heavy heart. A broken soul. A tired mind.

Once again, I don’t understand.

Can life really be this hard? Can there truly be 3 complete sides to a story? Can one of us be so blinded to what is there and the other be just as blinded?

I’m on my knees. I’m begging God.

I want what God wants. I want to make my Heavenly Father proud. I want peace. But I can’t seem to get it. God, show me.

Proverbs 2: 2-4

Fail

I come in to work free as a bird. I sit down at my desk and instantly become chained and gagged. I have so many desires for my job. I have so many ideas. None are accepted. The system is broken. The government has an agenda and it isn’t to give the people success.

I KNOW what these clients need. I cannot give it to them. I KNOW what it would take to get these clients the help. I cannot give it to them. I AM sorry clients. I let you down daily.

You yell at me. You curse me. You tell me I don’t care. I care. I promise. I care too much. All I can do is give you the resources I’m allowed and believe me when I tell you this….. I pray for each and every one of you. I pray for your family. I pray for your well being. I pray you accept what help IS offered. I pray that you find your worth. I pray that life works for you. That’s all I can do. I’m sorry I failed you.

“Hope now” by:Addison Road. Lyrics

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I’m Yours

[PRE-CHORUS]
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life

[CHORUS]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I’ll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

[PRE-CHORUS]
I’m not my own
I’ve been carried by You
All my life

[CHORUS]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

[CHORUS 2]
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
You’ve become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

Structure

I’m sitting here at a supervised visitation. These kids have done nothing but cause mass chaos in the two hours I have been here. The parents verbally get onto them but never follow through on a time out or remove the problem item or any other threats that are given. These children don’t say please or thank you. They don’t say yes or no ma’am. They scream and point instead of using their words. They lash out irrationally. They hurt each other. They hurt themselves.

The parents are half mentally checked out. They have no structure to behave themselves; how do I expect them to parent little thems?

The parents themselves grew up in chaos. They don’t know what anything but dysfunction looks like. I don’t expect them to live like “normal”. I just want safe. I want stable. The children deserve safe and stable.

So how do we get from one extreme to just decent? These parents are exhausted from their life’s choices that brought me here. The children are consumed by crazy being the norm.

Get sober. Get stable. Survive. Then Thrive.

Find positive support. Find somewhere to plug in. Find a better you to be. No one else can do anything for you if you don’t want to do anything for yourself.

I miss you, little ones.

It’s quiet in the house. Q. U. I. E. T. Not sure when the last time I heard the silence of quiet. My fella worked. His two, at their moms. My two, at their dads. Here I am.

I woke up. Went to work. Got my hair cut. Came home. Trimmed all the trees in my yard with the coolest cherry picker tool ever (thanks gpa). Dragged some limbs to the fire pile. Came in because in April, there’s frost warnings. 🤔💨❄️Cleaned the house. Cleaned all the dog hair, only to watch the dogs leave more behind🐕. Made food. Ate food. Watched some of “my shows”. Did tiny laundry. Decided to soak in some Epsom salt. Then BAM. I look over and see a basket full of toys. My Littles play with them when they bathe, for what seems like hours. Those of you with split families know what I’m talking about. You start the time off excited to get things done. Glad that they have family that love them. As the time progresses, though…… I remember their hands. I remember their voices. I start to imagine what they are doing at their dads. I hope they are having a good time. Snuggling and laughing. Just a couple more days. I will get them back. I will be tickled pink. Then they will start to argue about how the popcorn gets butter on it inside of the bag as it cooks 😊🤔😋 y’all feel me?!!!?? I miss you, little ones. Mommy loves you.