Wifey material or never

I dream of being a wife. I dream of trying my best to please my husband. Never being perfect but being perfectly in love forever with my person. I have a high sex drive. I enjoy turning my man on. I believe in home cooked meals. I’m not a slob.

I was a wife for years. I tried so hard. But I tried so hard with the wrong person and in the wrong mindset. I also was young. I feel I have so much more to offer now. So much more understanding of who I am and what I am supposed to be.

I imagine a marriage that works things out appropriately. I imagine disagreeing and being ok. Raising our children in a healthy environment so they can see what a healthy relationship looks like.

My spouse and I would watch nerd shows about space and history. My spouse would read to me. We would read separately. We would research history. History of life and history of God. We would enjoy small groups together. We would enjoy devotions together joyfully. We would be best friends. We would have our separate time. We would come back together and be so excited to be in each other’s presence again.

We would work on our cars together. We would clean together. We would tag team all the hardships of life. The loneliness would be gone. Cold shoulders would be caused from sitting in a hot tub out in the middle of the cold winter NOT for demeaning purposes.

We would embrace trust in every way. I would not let this outside world come into our safe zone. I would understand my spouses heart and he, mine. We would be able to socially manage life and enjoy our alone time together, also.

We would know we were different but the love we have would overcome all.

And if I don’t ever have the opportunity to be a wife again, I will understand deeper than I ever have before.

Take yourself out

I decided to do a thing. A big thing.

I took myself on a romantic weekend getaway.

Alone.

I have been working so hard on becoming ok with me.

I had spent my entire life not liking me. And trying to find a relationship when you don’t like me never works out.

I have grown to love me.

This trip was my reward.

God has spoken so heavily on my heart to fall into His arms. God has shown me what true real love is. I love love and I love me.

I drove almost 5 hours, backroads most of the way, from Alabama to Georgia.

I enjoyed the views of the Ocoee River

I got to my hotel in Helen, Georgia Friday early evening. I unpacked my ridiculous amount of clothes onto one of the double full beds. I spent 2 hours getting ready because I could. It was pouring down rain. I walked to a local German restaurant. Upstairs there was said to be a polka band playing for the Fasching weekend (German Mardi Gra). I was blown away. A man with chin length brown hair and business slacks started jammin on his acordian. With a man playing a saxophone to his right and a man on electric guitar on his left. A man playing the drums behind him. What have I gotten myself into?

THE ALEX MEIXNER BAND!!

I fell in love. The band taught the small tavern crowd the songs. Most everyone knew the songs. I clapped along. I love music. It soothes my soul. I listened to them all night long.

I was asked to dance by a “prince of Fasching”.

I gladly obliged. We danced for hours. The band played their last song and I bee bopped back to the hotel. It was raining on the way home but I didn’t feel it.

It took me way longer than expected to get out of bed the following day. My calves were sore. My head pounded. Still such a wonderful treat to be here I was. I got myself together and set off to find nature. I drove to Unicoi State Park. I heard there was some falls that were breathtaking and I was determined to find them. I got to the park right after the falls closed for the day. I continued on to venture in the park to find peace. There was a playground beside soem running water. There were families grilling and watching the water crash on the rocks.I sat down beside the water and read.

A time later I decided to pack up and explore Helen.

What an adorable town tucked away in the mountains. I love it and will be returning.

I had authentic German meals. I met the owner of the Ol Heidelberg. The best German restaurant owned by one of the kindest Mexican fellas!

The Fasching Festival was on the agenda for the evening. This was the main event of the town.

I’m not going to lie. It was a bit langweilig, or the English folk say boring. I didn’t la t too long before I headed back to the polka band!! I had become a fan. Quick.

We sang and danced the night away. I knew the songs this time.

Another night ended. A completely satisfied customer to this German hidden world.

I woke up at a decent time Sunday morning. I had breakfast and I set out on foot. It was raining but not too bad. I wandered about the town. I’m not a shopper but if you are, there are so many shoppes. There was live music and people watching everywhere. I explored but was determined to make it to the falls.

I did it. I made it.

And of course the pictures don’t do it justice.

The trek up was slightly painful, as I was sore from the polka dancing the previous nights, but well worth it. I enjoyed watching everyone taking pictures of each other and the falls. I offered to take pictures for everyone to enjoy.

I walked back and the bottom fell. I was soaked. But it was a happy soaked.

I got to my truck and set off for more German delights. I found a restaurant overlooking park of the creek. It was delightful and cozy and too early for the lunch rush. My server offered me a personal heater to warm up and dry with. I sat at the bar and enjoyed a heifen weizen and listened to live music. It wasn’t Germna but it was perfect for a rainy afternoon. The woman’s voice was comfortable. The man’s hands were savvy.

I met a man there, Christian Jones, who was about to play at a winery about 20 minutes out. He invited me to join. I had never been to a winery before.
I finished my lunch and went back to the hotel to clean up. I found the winery and I’ll be gonest, I was so nervous to go in I almost missed out. You see, throughout this whole trip, I was alone. No one to chat with. No one to break the uncomfortable moments. But I buckled down and went in. Serenity Sellars.

I sat and sipped some wine straight from the fields I had seen on the way in. I listened to him play his acoustic guitar and sang along to every song because, well, I love music.

It was spectacular. I met a gal who was so pleasant. She made me get up and dance with her. She and her mom were on a girl’s trip. She was from Texas. Such a lovely lady.

I left just in time to make it to the evening church service of Andy Stanley. His sermon was on money and the control it has over us and how we are to control our money. It was powerful. I hadn’t expected any less.

After the service it was Michael Buble time!!! He had a sold out concert and I had a to let burning a hole in my pocket. I have loved his genre of music since I had learned to Frank Sinatra was.

Buble was fun to look at and even better to hear. He is so personable. His tour was LOVE. His songs were love songs. His chorus was on point. Such a magnificent time. I made friends with a lady sitting beside me. We shared facts of Bubles life in between songs. We melted when we just knew he was singing to us. His voice is powerful and I would love to see him again!

I made it back in time to see the last few songs of The Alex Meixner band. It was their last night. They thanked me for coming out all weekend and told me to come back in May. I want to and hope it works out that I can. I got a DVD to share with my son and a few t shirts and tattoos for the kids and went on my merry way.

I crawled into bed with a mind full of success, knowing I had a satisfactory time on my trip.

I woek up the next day, enjoyed a peaceful breakfast, packed up and gave Helen, Georgia a good ol German Auf Wiedersehen (goodbye)!!

I drove all the way home trying to ignore the sickness that was upon me. I had had too amazing of a weekend to have it ruined by the flu. I spent the next two weeks praying for a miracle but it was absolutely worth it.

If you are in a stagnant place in your life, save up, take the trip. You won’t regret it. I saved for 6 months and it was the time of my life. The experience was healing. More importantly I didn’t have the regret of debt hanging over my head when it was over. God has been so good to me and I will be forever grateful for this experience.

Until next time!!

Signed sealed delivered

3.4.19. I signed the final contract. It’s official. I’m going to be a vessel of hope. I’m going to give the gift of a bigger family. I’m going to give a baby to a mom and dad who are unable to do it themselves. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby I can. I want to have a good pregnancy. I want to be able to give the baby over appropriately when the time comes.

The clinic is giving an estimated May date for pregnancy. I will go through some hormone shots and prepping my uterus will take a few weeks, also. I’m going to be a mom. Without the mom part.

I pray for this unborn child.

Baby

Baby I want you.

But I want sanity more.

I don’t know what I’m doing right now. So I need you to stay away.

I’ve got things going on. I can’t explain most of them. But what I do know is I need to be right where I am.

Away from you. Away from it all.

Baby I want you.

But I want my sanity more.

Single

I’ve mastered a lot in my life. One thing I cannot achieve is single parenthood. No matter how hard I try, I find something I haven’t thought of, something I cannot handle.

In a nuclear family, you’re able to tag team one of the hardest jobs…. parenting. Even an option of having family around to help is close to absent in my world. It seems like every time a family member DOES decide to help, something happens and I’m unable to rely on them for one reason or another and it just causes more stress. (Let me say this, I have two grandparents that watch my kids from the time they get off the bus until I pull up and I’m absolutely grateful for the help)

I work one of two jobs in my day. I come home and instantly am needed by two little bodies. They just want to tell me about their day. Tell me their thoughts. I just want to decompress for a second. That option is off the table. These kids are good kids. They have struggles. I want to be there for them through it all. I can’t. The older they get, the more I realize this. I’m tired. I’m mentally exhausted. I have questions and no one to ask. I have thoughts and no one to be my sound board. I have no one to take over while I regain my composure. I’m me. But me is last. I just don’t want to screw my kids up. I want them to know I love them so much. I can’t do everything though.

Life is about checks and balances. Without one the other goes haywire. Peace is found when there is a balance. I’m here. One sided.

Here’s the crazy part though. I have ZERO desire to find someone right now. I put in years of effort to try and make it work and I have learned so much. But right now, I have no energy to find a relationship. I have no energy to weed through the mess to find someone that is good enough for my two children. I want to be left alone. I can’t waste any more of my children’s time. Their hearts have broken because of me and I can’t put them through that again.

Thank you for letting me share!