Here I go.
I am 10 years sober from everything. Sober not just from substances. Sober from being lost. Sober from feeling utterly unwanted. Sober from being disgusted in my own skin. Sober from being completely consumed in ick. Sober from decisions that hurt others deeply.
I can’t exactly remember when I started using. I have never been great at remembering my past. I’m not quite sure if it’s the drugs or that I just don’t want to remember. I grew up in a decent home. I grew up with a nasty secret that wasn’t just my own. I learned shame at an early age and I had no one to talk to about it besides a few choice friends that didn’t know how to help me. I lived a double life. During the day, life was normal. There were family struggles but we survived. At night, my life was not my own. I became part of a movie I watched outside of my body. The goodies for bribing were my favorite part about the nights. I didn’t sleep a lot. Several years later, the movie stopped. I can’t remember why? I believe it had something to do with giving my life to Christ. I had such a hard time with friends. I had some great friends but I was so uncomfortable in my own body and mind, it was hard to know how to be a friend; how to be friendly in an appropriate way. I was a late bloomer, too. I didn’t hit 4 feet until 7th grade. I didn’t get boobies until I was probably 17. No guys were interested in me and that was probably a good thing. I wouldn’t have known what to do if they were. I remember all of my friends during this age were all getting boyfriends, making long lasting friendships. I, for some reason, was slipping into a secluded life,surrounded by people, downward spiral. I even made the cheerleading team. I was tiny, they would be crazy not to add me for top-of-the-pyramid purposes. That, still, didn’t help my inward turmoil.
I remember going through several pregnancy scares with my friends. I had never had a boyfriend. It was a strange world for me. They all went on double dates. Sometimes I tagged along, mostly I attached myself to marijuana and alcohol. Again, I don’t remember details of how it all came to be. Then I branched out. I thought it made me feel involved. I learned how to roll joints, blunts, pack a bowl, drink everyone under the table, do the most incredibly stupid things, etc. I was a good business owner. I was cool. I learned that alcohol blocked the dark within me. I was wide open. I didn’t turn down any party favors at this point. Anything was fair game. And when I say anything, I mean everything.
LIFE. WAS. GOOD.
I began going to parties. I began wearing a little bit less. I began getting the attention of fellas. WHOOEEEE this is what it was all about. I had my first boyfriend. Later, I would find out that he had gotten a local gal pregnant while we were together. He chose not to tell me and to not be a part of that baby’s life. He’s now a sex offender locked up somewhere for revocation and he is far from my life (God saves, even when you’re stupid). I began a strange life of lows I never realized until I was out of it. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was. I had a guy that would be interested but you know…..they were never interested enough to take this gal on a date. I had a bad habit of being interested in bad guys. I had ZERO understanding of love.
Fast forward…………I decided I would move out of my parents house at 17. I quit school my senior year because I was having way too much fun to sit in a school desk all day. I disrespected several teachers who genuinely cared about me and my success (making amends hit hard with two specific teachers, S.D and T. R). I lived with several other lost folks. We all were so blind to what life had for us if we would just accept the good and leave the bad. I got so consumed in this life I thought I had to have I didn’t realize that I had dove down a horrible path that would end up leaving plenty dead.
A few friends and I thought Limestone County wasn’t big enough for us and we took off to Nashville, TN. 17 years old, no parental supervision and in a big city.
What could go wrong??
Everything. The answer is EVERYTHING.