Surrogacy appointment #1

January 3, 2019.

Mama and daddy picked me up from work so we would have time to chat before the appointment. We’ve known each other for years but we have not had a lot of personal contact. I’ve watched the couple go through so much in their journey of parenthood but that is their story to tell.

This is mine.

We hit traffic on the way there from roadwork on the interstate. We ran into closed roads. We got tickled talking about confusing downtown traffic and one way streets. We found the fertility clinic. Finally!!

We spent a time filling out paperwork then we waited. The doctor was ready for us and we went back.

Mom and dad shared their story. Doctor dis used the process with them. They shared a question and answer time. I’m so proud of mom. She’s researched so much. She’s serious and we know it. Doctor looked to me and asked me if I was good? Did I have any questions?

I did not. I told him I’m along for the ride. I’m honored to be able to help this couple. I’m blessed to give the gift of life.

Let’s do this.

He will not see us again until a legal contract is completed. Ok. Fair enough doc. See you soon.

🤗🤰🏿

Surrogate beginnings

I have desired to be a surrogate for years. I felt the pull after my son was was born because parenthood is so beautiful. I felt it heavily when a close friend of mine lost her newborn child. She ended up being able to birth a child and didn’t need my womb. My best friend was struggling with getting pregnant for years and I offered the option to her but they ended up getting divorced.

Here I am. 32 years old. A church friend of mine has gone through such a long draining emotional process of foster/adoption, ending in a very painful removal of an infant shortly after receiving the child. She had made it known she and her husband had decided on surrogacy with a donor embryo. I jumped at the opportunity. I told her I wanted to pray for a time and ask God to press in my heart what to do. I felt completely accepting to the ability to gift them a child. I asked several close friends and family and decided on yes.

This is huge.

Please respond with replies of support, disagreeance, thoughts and please oh please, if you’ve been a surrogate, get with me!!!

Let the journey begin!

Just a rub

I just want a back rub. I want a person’s touch on my body. I want to feel a release of this stress I’m holding so tightly to. I want to cuddle. I want to spoon. I want intimacy. I want comfort. I want security.

But I don’t want it with just anyone. And I don’t want it without God.

I don’t want someone to tell me why I’m doing or not doing something the right way. I want this world to understand something it more than likely never will. I want an understanding of where I am in life and what I’m trying to accomplish.

I’ve heard it before and I will pass it along. Being with no one is so much better than being with the wrong one.

Life is about time. We have all the time but yet our time is always disappearing. I want my time to be appropriate. I want what’s right.

I don’t know what that means right now. But I know I don’t want to move.

God please keep this true to my heart.

Amen.

Pmddont

Ahhhhhh

Woman.

So many things.

Beautiful. Maternal. Successful. Gentle. Loving. Many more things.

But what do we hide?

You know. The monster inside. Scraping our walls to get out. The tornado inside our bodies, twisting and turning and causing chaos. Dissecting every thought in our mind. Dissecting every intention in anyone else’s.

I’ve cried 4 separate times today. Once over the pains of my job. Once when I was talking to my grandmother about my sweet and wonderful deceased great grandmother. Once because I wondered what the point of life was. Once when I watched a video about a girl and her dog. I haven’t cried in a month. And will cry again in a month exactly.

I’ve not been able to sleep normal for a week. I’ve desired the touch of a man and decided all men are evil.

I’ve determined my life is empty and I’ve determined I can’t keep going on like I have been.

I feel a deep, dark, depression. It’s cold and lonely here. It’s confusing. I fight the urge to ruin everything I’ve worked for. Quit my job. Run away. From everything.

And in 2 weeks it will all go away.

And in 2 more weeks, it will all begin again.

PMDD. It’s real. It’s here. And I’m sorry if you struggle.

Happier

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking
I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier

When the morning comes
When we see what we’ve become
In the cold light of day we’re a flame in the wind
Not the fire that we’ve begun
Every argument, every word we can’t take back
‘Cause with all that has happened
I think that we both know the way that the story ends

Then only for a minute
I want to change my mind
‘Cause this just don’t feel right to me
I want to raise your spirits
I want to see you smile but
Know that means I’ll have to leave

Know that means I’ll have to leave
Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking
I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier

When the evening falls
And I’m left there with my thoughts
And the image of you being with someone else
Well, it’s eating me up inside
But we ran our course, we pretended we’re okay
Now if we jump together at least we can swim
Far away from the wreck we made

Then only for a minute
I want to change my mind
‘Cause this just don’t feel right to me
I want to raise your spirits
I want to see you smile but
Know that means I’ll have to leave

Know that means I’ll have to leave
Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking
I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier

-Marshmello