Scripture is forever!

I’ve seen a lot of people reaching out for scripture as we fearlessly (with slightly wobbly legs) walk into the 2021 year hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, knowing who is in control regardless.

One of my favorite scriptures is Philippians 3 12-14:12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Focusing on my own journey, not anyone else’s. Accepting I have achieved some but I have so much more to go. Pushing away from 2020 and rejoicing every step of this year as I near the prize.
Another favorite that I will focus on is Galatians 5:22:But the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
If my actions don’t fall in line with these, I ask God, and my support system, to assist me in pruning them out so that I may be fruitful and my family will prosper from it.

And last, for 2021, and forever, Hebrews 10: 23-25:
23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

I will continue to encourage my people and I pray they continue to encourage me. Not through demands, but love and good deeds. I pray God has placed specific people in my life to do the same for me.

Back from July

Hello all. I have really been feeling a tug to get my writing started again. I hadn’t been on my site since July. I logged on today and read my last post, as I had SLIGHTLY forgotten when the last time I was on. WOW………..

Here we are in December. That post is so definitive to where life was and is now. It’s been a whole 30948459438 years tied into the last 6 months (It feels like it, yall feel me?).

Where I am today? I’m knee deep into a Step Study (Celebrate Recovery, woooohoooo), pulling out all the ick of my life, trying to ensure a somewhat better, stable, future for anyone I may come in contact with. You see, in life, once you are in recovery, you’re never out of it. It’s never complete. It’s ” I’m in recovery” not “I’m recovered”. Yes, I no longer have a substance issue, but the tough stuff stays with you. Triggers happen whenever. Plus, I never finished a full study so I am VERY excited to have the opportunity to complete what I started years ago. I have hurts, habits and hang ups that I work on daily. Some old, some new. All being dealt with at the hand of a SUPER strong sponsor, a glorious and imperfect group of ladies and God.

The funny thing about working on yourself….the devil listens very intently to that. It’s his playing field. He tap dances on our attempts and successes in life. Well listen here, jerk, God’s got this. I am not living in fear. I am living proof that God reigns and will always.

We are all living in this pandemic filled, life. Everyone is teetering on the idea of being too careful and not being careful enough. Do we trust the world, or not? It’s an every day, where am I at TODAY, kind of life.

I have since changed jobs. I am no longer in social work. I am a special education assistant at a virtual learning school. It does not fill my soul like caseworking but I am very thankful for the uplifting environment. I get wellness breaks and we have book studies. It’s definitely a different life.

I am working on finding ways to feed my helping heart. One way is I am co-leading a group for any and all struggles. It’s helps me stay focused on good vibes and it’s helping out others. Win win.

My best dog friend dies suddenly. It hit hard for the family. She was the tiniest boxer, and those that know the story, know I fought HARD to get her back when she strangely disappeared years ago. We gave her the best life we could for 6 years.

The fiance and I attempted several different times in several different ways, a wedding, but it just didn’t work out. We had Covid, life and location issues the first time, the second time, one of our pastors and the grandparents had Covid. We ended up going to the jail at bonding and visitation and had our friend stamp her seal on the marriage license and took it to the courthouse to pay our fees. What a strange way to make a lifelong decision. I did call his and my pastor to meet us at the courthouse for a prayer and blessing. THAT was special. We are hoping to have a wedding ceremony in 2021.

You see, like I said before. The devil attacks. He’s been attacking us hard. I have dropped to my knees, screamed in my car, outside, anywhere, I have had a prayer chain of strong in faith believers, loud prayers for protection over our family.

We lost my husband’s father this year. It was inevitable but unexpectedly abrupt. I had just spent the last year getting to know him and, like always, it feels so unfinished. The last moment with him, he was in his big chair. He was mostly conscious. I sat in his lap and we just held each other. Tightly. God blessed me with that moment. He blessed both of us with that moment. Matter of fact, he blessed the hubs, also, as he was standing directly in front of us. The hubs went on a special men’s 4-day retreat in July and his father passed away while he was gone. His mother sent me on a plane to Ohio to tell him and get him back safely. We barely made it back in one mental piece. Our lives have been completely turned upside down since his father got sick.

Hubs left his job as a deputy to pursue a state trooper life but decided against it and has since returned to being a deputy. We have talked about building a house, we are working out land options with my grandfather, but timing and Covid are everything. 5 people in our tiny house is a struggle but I’m bound and determined to make sure it’s Gods timing and not ours.

My mother and grandparents have self quarantined due to health issues and is has been hard on us all. I miss them. I try to visit my grandparents on their porch for coffee time when I can and I try to connect with my mother on the phone often. I’m trying to respect their space and worries, but at the same time, I struggle with loss of time spent.

I just keep praying that God will intervene where He already knows it’s needed. I just keep praying.

Scriptures that I have been holding onto are:

Proverbs 16:9- In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.

Philippians 3:12-14- Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that which Christ took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 43:19-For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! DO you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

1 Chronicles 16:11- Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek his presence continually.

Silent suffering

There’s part of life that is too quiet. You ever notice that?

They are the loudest to your soul but silent to the outside world.

I’m in a season of silence. Partially, my own fault. Partially, because it isn’t my battle to fight.

I have a certain suffering that is going on and I feel dramatically, like I’m dying. But not a death. But if a slow slipping into insanity.

I feel as though it isn’t safe to speak to my friends and family as they are typical humans who judge and direct. I need someone that is a safe space. I need someone who has a clue how I feel and will not look at me like I’m selfishly feeling.

This is all for today.

Robbed again

I second guess most things parents would never think about.

It hurts my soul to do so but without, I feel anxiety.

I question when my children are quiet. I question them going over to others homes. I over analyze their actions and reactions. I live in a prison that was not ever mine to live in.

I pray for God to ease my mind. I pray for God to wash my mind. I stay up in the middle of the night praying for horrible images to be released from my mind.

It’s a life-long sickness. One dealt with mostly in silence.

I do the best I can with my children and I pray they never experience a loss of innocence. I pray I parent them to the best of my ability and for God to cover me and them. I pray my children aren’t broken. The overwhelming thought is that I just don’t know, and may not know until years and pain of locked up emotions come barreling out in the worst ways. I just keep the best outlook I can on life and raising them.

But in the back of my mind, I know it can happen to them.

Faith

God tells us to seek refuge and strength. He promises that He is there with us in our troubles (Psalm 46:1-3).

I will find joy in everything.

This world is full of everything we don’t want. This world if full of things we want so badly but they are so far away.

The beauty of having a close relationship with God is knowing he already knows everything. I can talk to Him. Everything I’m doing right. Everything I’m doing wrong.

God loves me through everything. God loves those that hurt me and those I have hurt. I just continue praying for God to give me strength to make the next best step in the right direction. I pray for everyone to make the next best step for them. God be with me. God be with you. God be with us all.

Friends

I have lost some, what I thought were, important friends, close to family, in the last couple years. I find myself thinking of the bond we had. I’ve had sisters and even a couple brothers, in my life fall away. I don’t understand a lot of it. It has me with my guard extremely high. I’ve asked God to sharpen my understanding of friendship. I’m asking God to surround me with only appropriate healthy relationships with people who are true. I need positive people in my life. I need honesty and respect.

My children deserve it as well.

Doing what’s right?

It’s overwhelming to realize you are doing something wrong. Unless you are a complete jerk, you genuinely think you’re doing something right…..Until you don’t.

I’m a giver. But I heard tonight from something I was watching that if you aren’t listening to God then you may be giving wrong. The example used was if you gave someone something but God wanted the person behind you to be blessed and bless by giving that same thing away, you took their blessing away. Wow. Powerful.

We have to listen to God. In all things. We have to accept that God is right and sometimes we aren’t.

Proverbs 21:2 says that we may think we are right but God examines our hearts.

God, come into my heart and examine it. Help me to listen to Your will and not do anything out of selfish reasons.

Help me to accomplish the big plans I have for my future and do it ONLY under Your will.

Amen.

Take yourself out

I decided to do a thing. A big thing.

I took myself on a romantic weekend getaway.

Alone.

I have been working so hard on becoming ok with me.

I had spent my entire life not liking me. And trying to find a relationship when you don’t like me never works out.

I have grown to love me.

This trip was my reward.

God has spoken so heavily on my heart to fall into His arms. God has shown me what true real love is. I love love and I love me.

I drove almost 5 hours, backroads most of the way, from Alabama to Georgia.

I enjoyed the views of the Ocoee River

I got to my hotel in Helen, Georgia Friday early evening. I unpacked my ridiculous amount of clothes onto one of the double full beds. I spent 2 hours getting ready because I could. It was pouring down rain. I walked to a local German restaurant. Upstairs there was said to be a polka band playing for the Fasching weekend (German Mardi Gra). I was blown away. A man with chin length brown hair and business slacks started jammin on his acordian. With a man playing a saxophone to his right and a man on electric guitar on his left. A man playing the drums behind him. What have I gotten myself into?

THE ALEX MEIXNER BAND!!

I fell in love. The band taught the small tavern crowd the songs. Most everyone knew the songs. I clapped along. I love music. It soothes my soul. I listened to them all night long.

I was asked to dance by a “prince of Fasching”.

I gladly obliged. We danced for hours. The band played their last song and I bee bopped back to the hotel. It was raining on the way home but I didn’t feel it.

It took me way longer than expected to get out of bed the following day. My calves were sore. My head pounded. Still such a wonderful treat to be here I was. I got myself together and set off to find nature. I drove to Unicoi State Park. I heard there was some falls that were breathtaking and I was determined to find them. I got to the park right after the falls closed for the day. I continued on to venture in the park to find peace. There was a playground beside soem running water. There were families grilling and watching the water crash on the rocks.I sat down beside the water and read.

A time later I decided to pack up and explore Helen.

What an adorable town tucked away in the mountains. I love it and will be returning.

I had authentic German meals. I met the owner of the Ol Heidelberg. The best German restaurant owned by one of the kindest Mexican fellas!

The Fasching Festival was on the agenda for the evening. This was the main event of the town.

I’m not going to lie. It was a bit langweilig, or the English folk say boring. I didn’t la t too long before I headed back to the polka band!! I had become a fan. Quick.

We sang and danced the night away. I knew the songs this time.

Another night ended. A completely satisfied customer to this German hidden world.

I woke up at a decent time Sunday morning. I had breakfast and I set out on foot. It was raining but not too bad. I wandered about the town. I’m not a shopper but if you are, there are so many shoppes. There was live music and people watching everywhere. I explored but was determined to make it to the falls.

I did it. I made it.

And of course the pictures don’t do it justice.

The trek up was slightly painful, as I was sore from the polka dancing the previous nights, but well worth it. I enjoyed watching everyone taking pictures of each other and the falls. I offered to take pictures for everyone to enjoy.

I walked back and the bottom fell. I was soaked. But it was a happy soaked.

I got to my truck and set off for more German delights. I found a restaurant overlooking park of the creek. It was delightful and cozy and too early for the lunch rush. My server offered me a personal heater to warm up and dry with. I sat at the bar and enjoyed a heifen weizen and listened to live music. It wasn’t Germna but it was perfect for a rainy afternoon. The woman’s voice was comfortable. The man’s hands were savvy.

I met a man there, Christian Jones, who was about to play at a winery about 20 minutes out. He invited me to join. I had never been to a winery before.
I finished my lunch and went back to the hotel to clean up. I found the winery and I’ll be gonest, I was so nervous to go in I almost missed out. You see, throughout this whole trip, I was alone. No one to chat with. No one to break the uncomfortable moments. But I buckled down and went in. Serenity Sellars.

I sat and sipped some wine straight from the fields I had seen on the way in. I listened to him play his acoustic guitar and sang along to every song because, well, I love music.

It was spectacular. I met a gal who was so pleasant. She made me get up and dance with her. She and her mom were on a girl’s trip. She was from Texas. Such a lovely lady.

I left just in time to make it to the evening church service of Andy Stanley. His sermon was on money and the control it has over us and how we are to control our money. It was powerful. I hadn’t expected any less.

After the service it was Michael Buble time!!! He had a sold out concert and I had a to let burning a hole in my pocket. I have loved his genre of music since I had learned to Frank Sinatra was.

Buble was fun to look at and even better to hear. He is so personable. His tour was LOVE. His songs were love songs. His chorus was on point. Such a magnificent time. I made friends with a lady sitting beside me. We shared facts of Bubles life in between songs. We melted when we just knew he was singing to us. His voice is powerful and I would love to see him again!

I made it back in time to see the last few songs of The Alex Meixner band. It was their last night. They thanked me for coming out all weekend and told me to come back in May. I want to and hope it works out that I can. I got a DVD to share with my son and a few t shirts and tattoos for the kids and went on my merry way.

I crawled into bed with a mind full of success, knowing I had a satisfactory time on my trip.

I woek up the next day, enjoyed a peaceful breakfast, packed up and gave Helen, Georgia a good ol German Auf Wiedersehen (goodbye)!!

I drove all the way home trying to ignore the sickness that was upon me. I had had too amazing of a weekend to have it ruined by the flu. I spent the next two weeks praying for a miracle but it was absolutely worth it.

If you are in a stagnant place in your life, save up, take the trip. You won’t regret it. I saved for 6 months and it was the time of my life. The experience was healing. More importantly I didn’t have the regret of debt hanging over my head when it was over. God has been so good to me and I will be forever grateful for this experience.

Until next time!!

A forever love

My grandparents just shared a story with me of their marriage………

I’m in love.

My grandfather was in the military stationed up North. My grandmother was living in Ohio. The decided to meet at a Chigaco bus stop. 13th street. Little did they know there were se eral. There weren’t cell phones then. They just so happen to both stop at the right one. They got married there in Chicago. With one person as a witness. They spent the weekend and went their separate ways. They’ve been married 60-sum years……….. God love them!!! What a beautiful story. An engineer and an artist. Two ends of the spectrum. Making it work for love.

Beauty in all

It never goes away. You never “get over it”. The open wounds, they scar. But they can bust open at any minute. It’s a silent pain that no one can see. It’s loud though. You can be minding your own business, living life the best you know how and OUT OF NOWHERE, an awful image or memory or thought, crosses your mind. I often wonder how my life would be different without the infection of my past that fills my brain.

Recovery is beautiful though. Learning to accept what was but understanding that embracing what IS is more important.

Don’t live life as a victim. Don’t allow what happened to you consume who you are meant to be. You had no control over what happened. You DO have control over who you will be now. Use the pain as a fire. Become someone. Help others.

Don’t waste what happened to you. It happened. Now how can you use it for good? Beautiful things come from ashes.

Be. A. Beautiful. Thing.