Category: I WAS raised in a barn

Quiet creeper, outed. FINALLY!

I was driving to work this morning. Just a typical day. I had found a CD (yes they still exist) from who knows when, Now 5. It was nostalgic. I was jamming hard to some of these hits. Some I passed quickly. EWE at some of the hits back then. I came across Lucky by Britney Spears. The song refers to a celebrity that from the outside has it all and on the inside, she’s just sad.

“If there’s nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night? Lost in an image, in a dream, but there’s no one there to wake her up. And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning but tell me what happens when it stops?”

I realized at that moment that I have struggled with depression since I was a child.

It took me this long (and no it doesn’t matter exactly HOW old I am) to realize it. I remember talking with someone within the past year about anxiety vs. depression. I had mentioned that I had not been depressed, only anxious. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which turns into PMDD during my PMS time. I honestly believed until today that I had not been depressed. I’m a halfway intelligent person. I love learning and researching. How could I miss this? How could I be so close minded to the fact that I struggle with depression?

I believe it’s because I am genuinely a happy person. I enjoy the small things. I can feel amazing just by looking outside at nature. I had it in my mind that to feel joy must mean that I couldn’t possibly be depressed. I can find the silver lining in situations.

I was wrong.

I remember constantly thinking as a child that I was never good enough. I felt I came from a home that was too financially unstable. I always felt like my friends weren’t really my friends. I was only a cheerleader because I was small enough to easily throw around (which isn’t exactly wrong). I remember feeling inconvenient to everyone I was around. I remember feeling like I just wanted to go away. I had friends that felt the same as me, maybe even worse. I learned bad habits from them like cutting myself. I remember sneaking into my kitchen, past my family, taking a steak knife out of the drawer, and I would cut. I would cut very lightly. I would go back to my room, only to later return and do it a little bit more and a little harder. I would wear high socks and long sleeves to school the next day. I found myself trying to balance being cool, being confused about life, being sad enough and being funny enough. I traveled through my schools friend list (before social media existed), trying to find MY people. I appeared to get along with everyone and didn’t really have enemies. I found no comfort in friends. I felt like the friendships I had, I was trying so hard to keep them, were more like a job.

I was EXTREMELY small and always had to defend my eating habits. I didn’t have an eating disorder, I just had small genes. I didn’t mature until years after everyone else did. I looked like I was 10, until I was 17. I had braces for 4 years, and contraptions similar to car engines (pistons and such). I was picked on for my size but no one did it hatefully. I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I was 17, while my friends spent countless hours talking about theirs and the places they went and the things they did. I dove into heavy metal because the lyrics explained the pain I felt inside. I would listen to it at the highest volume, screaming the lyrics while my soul was tired and hurt. High school was not fun for me and depression, it seems, caused the majority of the chaos in my own head.

I guess I have, over the years, started putting things together. It started to really hit home when I was going through a box of memories. I found journals after journals that were filled with depressing poems and scratches of anger pouring out through my beautifully colored pens (obsessed with office supplies to this day. I still pushed it to the side, making jokes about it.

Of all things, of all the music genre’s I listen to, my ride to work listening to old school Britney Spears did me in. The song came on and it took me back to school. All of the feelings came rushing back. The loss of innocence. The immense pain felt only on the inside.

I take this as a God moment. He ever so gently guided me into my own self-realization. I was, and can be, depressed. I can enjoy life. I can rejoice life. I can be depressed. All in one.

It may not seem like a lot to you but for those of you in recovery, admitting is the first step to a beautiful life ahead.

I am thankful for this realization.

P.S. In the midst of this life I was miserably leading, is when I began dabbling in drugs and alcohol. When they say substance abuse is only a symptom, a surface issue, to the real problem, they mean it. Reread this if you need to understand the why? to me using and abusing substances. My story isn’t an exact match to every alcoholic/drug abuser, but there will definitely be some similarities.

Robbed again

I second guess most things parents would never think about.

It hurts my soul to do so but without, I feel anxiety.

I question when my children are quiet. I question them going over to others homes. I over analyze their actions and reactions. I live in a prison that was not ever mine to live in.

I pray for God to ease my mind. I pray for God to wash my mind. I stay up in the middle of the night praying for horrible images to be released from my mind.

It’s a life-long sickness. One dealt with mostly in silence.

I do the best I can with my children and I pray they never experience a loss of innocence. I pray I parent them to the best of my ability and for God to cover me and them. I pray my children aren’t broken. The overwhelming thought is that I just don’t know, and may not know until years and pain of locked up emotions come barreling out in the worst ways. I just keep the best outlook I can on life and raising them.

But in the back of my mind, I know it can happen to them.

God is here

It is no hidden secret that I have taken my entire adult life to focus on healing (so I may be reasonably happy in this life and SUPREMELY happy with You forever in the next -CR) . I have prayed for God to prune me. I have asked God to convict me of what is not OF HIM. God loves me enough to take the baby (and the backwards) steps it has taken me to get where He wants me to be.

I was feeling pretty good about my work I have put in. Have you ever thought you were doing really good and then BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am ever so thankful for the pull of the Holy Spirit, and thankful to those who use it to help others. It’s extremely important to have people around you that are feeding into your end game, not those that drain you. Proverbs speaks of the importance of wisdom. In Chapter 1 Verse 5, a man (or woman) of understanding will acquire wisdom and increase learning. Again in Verse 7, fearing the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and fools despise wisdom and instruction. You get what I’m putting down here. God is VERY serious about always learning. As Paul says in Philippians (3:12) we have not arrived at our goal, but we will continue to press on for what Jesus has for us. Again in 1 Corinthians (9:24-27) we are here for the race and the ultimate prize of a forever crown. We are to go into “strict training”. The Bible does not say, WHOOP you’re saved through Jesus’ blood. You’re done. We are to fight a daily battle. He’s proud. He’s taking us to Heaven. But we are to work while we are here. Work on ourselves, Romans 12:2, by testing, what is good and acceptable and perfect. And work on the world, Matthew 4:19, he is making us fishers of men.

Which brings me to my latest epiphany. I met with a pastor recently. He is the husband of a work friend of mine. I met with him thinking I was going to whine about my life and he was going to pat me on the back and tell me everything was going to be ok and blame the entire world, and not my precious self. This man, with the complete guidance of the Holy Spirit, ripped through the walls of adult coping skills learned over a 15 year period, and got to the very root of my pain and suffering. IN THE FIRST 20 MINUTES. I am not going to sugar coat anything. I was raw and angry and embarrassed. I hysterically cried. I waved my hands around explaining that I had already dealt with my childhood pain and I did not want to go through it again. I could not keep my composure. I explained to him that I have been in counseling for years. I have been through step studies with Celebrate Recovery (completing one soon). I had made amends and forgiven all who hurt me. I meant every bit of my work. I was giving my resume, at this point, as a defense mechanism. We only had an hour and I was thankful. I left him feeling so angry. He could feel it but was kind through it all. I always did have to take time to process and am not silent until I do as I should be. Its a character defect.

As I processed, I realized that God had used this poor man to do His work. This man, who was a stranger, showed me that I had not truly given my pain to God. I may have tried. I may have worked through the feelings, but I did not completely give it to God. He showed me by taking me back to when it all started. I was that little girl again, lost and unprotected. This man showed me that God was there and he was waiting to take it all. Not help me manage it, but release it fully.

I have a new lease on life.

No miracles on the outside have happened. My life hasn’t completely taken a turn. Life is still extremely hard for me right now. But I have a peace that I did not have before.

(Philippians 3:12-14)Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Faith

God tells us to seek refuge and strength. He promises that He is there with us in our troubles (Psalm 46:1-3).

I will find joy in everything.

This world is full of everything we don’t want. This world if full of things we want so badly but they are so far away.

The beauty of having a close relationship with God is knowing he already knows everything. I can talk to Him. Everything I’m doing right. Everything I’m doing wrong.

God loves me through everything. God loves those that hurt me and those I have hurt. I just continue praying for God to give me strength to make the next best step in the right direction. I pray for everyone to make the next best step for them. God be with me. God be with you. God be with us all.

Friends

I have lost some, what I thought were, important friends, close to family, in the last couple years. I find myself thinking of the bond we had. I’ve had sisters and even a couple brothers, in my life fall away. I don’t understand a lot of it. It has me with my guard extremely high. I’ve asked God to sharpen my understanding of friendship. I’m asking God to surround me with only appropriate healthy relationships with people who are true. I need positive people in my life. I need honesty and respect.

My children deserve it as well.

Doing what’s right?

It’s overwhelming to realize you are doing something wrong. Unless you are a complete jerk, you genuinely think you’re doing something right…..Until you don’t.

I’m a giver. But I heard tonight from something I was watching that if you aren’t listening to God then you may be giving wrong. The example used was if you gave someone something but God wanted the person behind you to be blessed and bless by giving that same thing away, you took their blessing away. Wow. Powerful.

We have to listen to God. In all things. We have to accept that God is right and sometimes we aren’t.

Proverbs 21:2 says that we may think we are right but God examines our hearts.

God, come into my heart and examine it. Help me to listen to Your will and not do anything out of selfish reasons.

Help me to accomplish the big plans I have for my future and do it ONLY under Your will.

Amen.

Take yourself out

I decided to do a thing. A big thing.

I took myself on a romantic weekend getaway.

Alone.

I have been working so hard on becoming ok with me.

I had spent my entire life not liking me. And trying to find a relationship when you don’t like me never works out.

I have grown to love me.

This trip was my reward.

God has spoken so heavily on my heart to fall into His arms. God has shown me what true real love is. I love love and I love me.

I drove almost 5 hours, backroads most of the way, from Alabama to Georgia.

I enjoyed the views of the Ocoee River

I got to my hotel in Helen, Georgia Friday early evening. I unpacked my ridiculous amount of clothes onto one of the double full beds. I spent 2 hours getting ready because I could. It was pouring down rain. I walked to a local German restaurant. Upstairs there was said to be a polka band playing for the Fasching weekend (German Mardi Gra). I was blown away. A man with chin length brown hair and business slacks started jammin on his acordian. With a man playing a saxophone to his right and a man on electric guitar on his left. A man playing the drums behind him. What have I gotten myself into?

THE ALEX MEIXNER BAND!!

I fell in love. The band taught the small tavern crowd the songs. Most everyone knew the songs. I clapped along. I love music. It soothes my soul. I listened to them all night long.

I was asked to dance by a “prince of Fasching”.

I gladly obliged. We danced for hours. The band played their last song and I bee bopped back to the hotel. It was raining on the way home but I didn’t feel it.

It took me way longer than expected to get out of bed the following day. My calves were sore. My head pounded. Still such a wonderful treat to be here I was. I got myself together and set off to find nature. I drove to Unicoi State Park. I heard there was some falls that were breathtaking and I was determined to find them. I got to the park right after the falls closed for the day. I continued on to venture in the park to find peace. There was a playground beside soem running water. There were families grilling and watching the water crash on the rocks.I sat down beside the water and read.

A time later I decided to pack up and explore Helen.

What an adorable town tucked away in the mountains. I love it and will be returning.

I had authentic German meals. I met the owner of the Ol Heidelberg. The best German restaurant owned by one of the kindest Mexican fellas!

The Fasching Festival was on the agenda for the evening. This was the main event of the town.

I’m not going to lie. It was a bit langweilig, or the English folk say boring. I didn’t la t too long before I headed back to the polka band!! I had become a fan. Quick.

We sang and danced the night away. I knew the songs this time.

Another night ended. A completely satisfied customer to this German hidden world.

I woke up at a decent time Sunday morning. I had breakfast and I set out on foot. It was raining but not too bad. I wandered about the town. I’m not a shopper but if you are, there are so many shoppes. There was live music and people watching everywhere. I explored but was determined to make it to the falls.

I did it. I made it.

And of course the pictures don’t do it justice.

The trek up was slightly painful, as I was sore from the polka dancing the previous nights, but well worth it. I enjoyed watching everyone taking pictures of each other and the falls. I offered to take pictures for everyone to enjoy.

I walked back and the bottom fell. I was soaked. But it was a happy soaked.

I got to my truck and set off for more German delights. I found a restaurant overlooking park of the creek. It was delightful and cozy and too early for the lunch rush. My server offered me a personal heater to warm up and dry with. I sat at the bar and enjoyed a heifen weizen and listened to live music. It wasn’t Germna but it was perfect for a rainy afternoon. The woman’s voice was comfortable. The man’s hands were savvy.

I met a man there, Christian Jones, who was about to play at a winery about 20 minutes out. He invited me to join. I had never been to a winery before.
I finished my lunch and went back to the hotel to clean up. I found the winery and I’ll be gonest, I was so nervous to go in I almost missed out. You see, throughout this whole trip, I was alone. No one to chat with. No one to break the uncomfortable moments. But I buckled down and went in. Serenity Sellars.

I sat and sipped some wine straight from the fields I had seen on the way in. I listened to him play his acoustic guitar and sang along to every song because, well, I love music.

It was spectacular. I met a gal who was so pleasant. She made me get up and dance with her. She and her mom were on a girl’s trip. She was from Texas. Such a lovely lady.

I left just in time to make it to the evening church service of Andy Stanley. His sermon was on money and the control it has over us and how we are to control our money. It was powerful. I hadn’t expected any less.

After the service it was Michael Buble time!!! He had a sold out concert and I had a to let burning a hole in my pocket. I have loved his genre of music since I had learned to Frank Sinatra was.

Buble was fun to look at and even better to hear. He is so personable. His tour was LOVE. His songs were love songs. His chorus was on point. Such a magnificent time. I made friends with a lady sitting beside me. We shared facts of Bubles life in between songs. We melted when we just knew he was singing to us. His voice is powerful and I would love to see him again!

I made it back in time to see the last few songs of The Alex Meixner band. It was their last night. They thanked me for coming out all weekend and told me to come back in May. I want to and hope it works out that I can. I got a DVD to share with my son and a few t shirts and tattoos for the kids and went on my merry way.

I crawled into bed with a mind full of success, knowing I had a satisfactory time on my trip.

I woek up the next day, enjoyed a peaceful breakfast, packed up and gave Helen, Georgia a good ol German Auf Wiedersehen (goodbye)!!

I drove all the way home trying to ignore the sickness that was upon me. I had had too amazing of a weekend to have it ruined by the flu. I spent the next two weeks praying for a miracle but it was absolutely worth it.

If you are in a stagnant place in your life, save up, take the trip. You won’t regret it. I saved for 6 months and it was the time of my life. The experience was healing. More importantly I didn’t have the regret of debt hanging over my head when it was over. God has been so good to me and I will be forever grateful for this experience.

Until next time!!

A forever love

My grandparents just shared a story with me of their marriage………

I’m in love.

My grandfather was in the military stationed up North. My grandmother was living in Ohio. The decided to meet at a Chigaco bus stop. 13th street. Little did they know there were se eral. There weren’t cell phones then. They just so happen to both stop at the right one. They got married there in Chicago. With one person as a witness. They spent the weekend and went their separate ways. They’ve been married 60-sum years……….. God love them!!! What a beautiful story. An engineer and an artist. Two ends of the spectrum. Making it work for love.

Beauty in all

It never goes away. You never “get over it”. The open wounds, they scar. But they can bust open at any minute. It’s a silent pain that no one can see. It’s loud though. You can be minding your own business, living life the best you know how and OUT OF NOWHERE, an awful image or memory or thought, crosses your mind. I often wonder how my life would be different without the infection of my past that fills my brain.

Recovery is beautiful though. Learning to accept what was but understanding that embracing what IS is more important.

Don’t live life as a victim. Don’t allow what happened to you consume who you are meant to be. You had no control over what happened. You DO have control over who you will be now. Use the pain as a fire. Become someone. Help others.

Don’t waste what happened to you. It happened. Now how can you use it for good? Beautiful things come from ashes.

Be. A. Beautiful. Thing.

Pmddont

Ahhhhhh

Woman.

So many things.

Beautiful. Maternal. Successful. Gentle. Loving. Many more things.

But what do we hide?

You know. The monster inside. Scraping our walls to get out. The tornado inside our bodies, twisting and turning and causing chaos. Dissecting every thought in our mind. Dissecting every intention in anyone else’s.

I’ve cried 4 separate times today. Once over the pains of my job. Once when I was talking to my grandmother about my sweet and wonderful deceased great grandmother. Once because I wondered what the point of life was. Once when I watched a video about a girl and her dog. I haven’t cried in a month. And will cry again in a month exactly.

I’ve not been able to sleep normal for a week. I’ve desired the touch of a man and decided all men are evil.

I’ve determined my life is empty and I’ve determined I can’t keep going on like I have been.

I feel a deep, dark, depression. It’s cold and lonely here. It’s confusing. I fight the urge to ruin everything I’ve worked for. Quit my job. Run away. From everything.

And in 2 weeks it will all go away.

And in 2 more weeks, it will all begin again.

PMDD. It’s real. It’s here. And I’m sorry if you struggle.