So many things.
Beautiful. Maternal. Successful. Gentle. Loving. Many more things.
But what do we hide?
You know. The monster inside. Scraping our walls to get out. The tornado inside our bodies, twisting and turning and causing chaos. Dissecting every thought in our mind. Dissecting every intention in anyone else’s.
I’ve cried 4 separate times today. Once over the pains of my job. Once when I was talking to my grandmother about my sweet and wonderful deceased great grandmother. Once because I wondered what the point of life was. Once when I watched a video about a girl and her dog. I haven’t cried in a month. And will cry again in a month exactly.
I’ve not been able to sleep normal for a week. I’ve desired the touch of a man and decided all men are evil.
I’ve determined my life is empty and I’ve determined I can’t keep going on like I have been.
I feel a deep, dark, depression. It’s cold and lonely here. It’s confusing. I fight the urge to ruin everything I’ve worked for. Quit my job. Run away. From everything.
And in 2 weeks it will all go away.
And in 2 more weeks, it will all begin again.
PMDD. It’s real. It’s here. And I’m sorry if you struggle.
I’ve mastered a lot in my life. One thing I cannot achieve is single parenthood. No matter how hard I try, I find something I haven’t thought of, something I cannot handle.
In a nuclear family, you’re able to tag team one of the hardest jobs…. parenting. Even an option of having family around to help is close to absent in my world. It seems like every time a family member DOES decide to help, something happens and I’m unable to rely on them for one reason or another and it just causes more stress. (Let me say this, I have two grandparents that watch my kids from the time they get off the bus until I pull up and I’m absolutely grateful for the help)
I work one of two jobs in my day. I come home and instantly am needed by two little bodies. They just want to tell me about their day. Tell me their thoughts. I just want to decompress for a second. That option is off the table. These kids are good kids. They have struggles. I want to be there for them through it all. I can’t. The older they get, the more I realize this. I’m tired. I’m mentally exhausted. I have questions and no one to ask. I have thoughts and no one to be my sound board. I have no one to take over while I regain my composure. I’m me. But me is last. I just don’t want to screw my kids up. I want them to know I love them so much. I can’t do everything though.
Life is about checks and balances. Without one the other goes haywire. Peace is found when there is a balance. I’m here. One sided.
Here’s the crazy part though. I have ZERO desire to find someone right now. I put in years of effort to try and make it work and I have learned so much. But right now, I have no energy to find a relationship. I have no energy to weed through the mess to find someone that is good enough for my two children. I want to be left alone. I can’t waste any more of my children’s time. Their hearts have broken because of me and I can’t put them through that again.
Thank you for letting me share!
I am a first-generation American. My father and his family moved from Germany, when he was 5 years old, to Texas. My father had to learn English and his family forced him to embrace American ways so that he would succeed in life in America. My father lost his German language skills through the years and if you met him on the street today, you would think he was just as “American” as the rest of us. My grandmother, although she learned English and follows American ways, is still very German. She speaks German fluently and still holds the German customs high.
My family always taught me to never look at someone’s skin color. I say these things as a background for my explanation of prejudice from my eyes. I started school at a local county school and my mind was blown. There was one black family in the entire school. There were two black students in my class, who were first cousins. Growing up in North Alabama, I learned at an early age what discrimination was. There was a group of high school aged boys with shaved heads that would meet in the mornings before school and blow their horns and yell around the area. I learned that they were called “skinheads” and they believed in racism and white supremacy. I was over at one of my friend’s houses for a spend-the-night party one time and her dad and uncle discussed hitting a black man for points on a non-existent scoreboard they had kept up with for years. There was a bar a few miles from the school that did not allow black people to enter.
As a young adult, I experienced other races discriminating against me for the color of my skin. I have been talked to like I hated other races, without being asked my opinion. I have been ignored on several occasions while I was the minority of a group. I have had to defend myself in situations that embarrassed me simply because of my color. I believe I was sheltered but I do not believe it was an incorrect decision on my parents’ part.
I tend to discriminate against ignorance. I say ignorance because they live in a normative-cultural environment. They follow customs of their community. They are accepted when they follow such ideas. I also struggle with the stereotypes of southern families. The man works and the woman stays at home, taking care of the children. The man does what he wants and the woman is left to make a decent home and take care of the children. The woman is not expected to gain education. The man is not expected to gain further education, either. It is acceptable to quit school at sixteen and gain a full time job. There is little desire to excel further in life. This way of living is passed down to the children. I know this is not the way everyone lives. I also know that knowledge has improved and families are beginning to want a better life.
It is hard when I work with families who do not want to better themselves because they do not know the improvement they are missing. I struggle with this prejudice in the community I work for. I have to learn how to meet people where they are at. I have to accept them for who they are and what they believe in. I have to be careful of their feelings when I express the need for change to parent their children in a safe environment free from alcohol/substance or physical abuse. I have to understand that although I am working with a particular family- expecting change, the environment the family is in will likely not change. When a family discusses racism as the norm, I have to carefully explain that race in itself is not a reason for blaming in the community, but at the same time, I cannot expect change in their minds and it is not my job to change that aspect of their life. As a social worker, we are to embrace our family’s differences of lifestyles. I choose to put myself in situations that will broaden my understanding of groups that I do not naturally belong to.
It’s been a while. I knew beginning my masters program would be….. Interesting…. Little did I know I would be questioning my sanity so soon.
But here I am. Questioning. Ha.
I have a bad habit of second guessing everything in my life. I do anything from experiencing buyers remorse to going back to relationships that needed to end for good or stressing about what I did years ago that has ZERO to do with life today. I have made such poor decisions in my past, it causes me to lose joy in my present. Currently, I’m asking God to work on yet another issue of mine. Learning to accept what is.
Jesus asks us, does worrying add any time to our life? We need to let tomorrow worry about itself. We have PLENTY to do today. I love how Jesus puts a spin on what he says. He’s so loving but he is also real. He doesn’t enable our emotions or behavior. He loves us. That’s for sure. But he isn’t going to let us be stupid. Seek first HIS kingdom and all things will be ours.
God is so good.
So. Like always. God teaches me ALL the things.
This seasons’ lesson…… Ok Patpat, you got your actions pretty well focused….. Let’s talk about your reactions… Ouch. #Godslap
Isn’t that true for everything? I can manage myself in a confined space. But give me room to run and who knows what will happen!
I can follow Christ’s teachings closely. I can follow his rules the best I can so I can enjoy the happiness he wants for me. But you add another situation and there I go. I forget what I’ve learned.
My goal is to be Christ-like in all situations. No matter how people treat me. No matter what someone says to me. I must REact in such a way that blesses God.
That is what I am learning. That is what I want to do.
Colossians 3:17 “ And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”
I am praying to God. I’m asking for Him to open my heart. I’m asking, as always, for God to shower me with His mercy and grace while I learn to be a better me. I want to react in a healthy, pleasing to God, way. In all my ways.
My world is spinning. With the upcoming re-entry into school to gain a masters degree, my personal issues, and my well being, I am at a loss.
I’m finding it hard to breathe. I’m gasping for breaths.
This is what I deal with.
I’ve prayed, I’ve screamed, to God. Take this. Take all that I have.
This world is broken. It’s breaking me. I keep telling myself it isn’t my world. This. Isn’t. Mine. My riches are in Heaven.
God created us for relationship. Why is that the most impossible thing to accomplish.
My frustrations and sadness are oozing from my every inch of body.
God, give me the strength. I want to be healthy. I want healthy around me. I want what You want.
We know that God loves us. He wants us to live the best life we can. He created us. He knew that every day we would fall short. Through His Grace, we enjoy a spoiled life of unconditional love. Does God expect us to be perfect? No. He does expect us to be new in Him. But this isn’t a new that is only on the outside. Going to church. Volunteering that one time and putting it on social media. He wants us to, inside and out, be new. If you still have the same thoughts as before…. Did you really give your life to Him. God wants us to have a new mind. He wants us to think differently. I find myself mentally sinking into a self made quick sand and I suddenly realize, this isn’t what God wants for me. He wants me to soar for Him. He wants me to achieve so much. He gave me a heart of determination and I am to use it for HIM!!! I have hope that God will keep working on me and through me. Many came before me and lost their lives because of their love of Jesus. God chose for me not to have to live that way. God allows me to live in an environment that has the rights to seek Him freely. So I must find, deep within my soul, every day, His love. I must surround myself with challenges to seek Him more. Challenge me, Lord. To love You greater and bigger than yesterday. Prune any branch that does not have Your goodness in mind. Give me a confidence to do what I need to do.
Ephesians 4 23
God tells us several times that we are to seek wisdom from elders. Why is it that important?
If it takes a lifetime to figure out how to do something, it only makes sense to share what you know when you are working on heading out the preverbial door of death.
As a young gal, my job is to speak with those that have lived life longer than me so. I can learn from THEIR mistakes. They won’t follow the exact path that I do but we are all human and have human feelings, emotions and choices. Often, they cross paths.
This doesn’t just mean seeking wisdom in someone older. This could mean seeking wisdom from someone with life experiences similar to you. Don’t ignore someone’s wisdom because you think you are better than them or because they aren’t three times your age. God gives us ALL TYPES of people to use for our good. If you choose not to embrace the wisdom, you are more ignorant than you think.
So find you someone l and soak them up like a piece of toast to a runny egg.
The beauty of the Bible is that it is a historical book that is still absolutely true to its word today. How helpful is it that we have such a tool?
Sometimes we joke about wishing there was a manual to life. THERE IS!!!
I struggle. A lot. But I always find peace in my Bible.
The Bible is not supposed to be a fire and brimstone, scare you into behaving, means. The Bible warns us that if we don’t follow God’s Word, we will be unhappy. The Bible WANTS us to be the happiest we can be. We serve our Lord best when we are happiest.
I used to not understand. But I just pray and research the best I can. I find so much help in other people explaining what I can’t grasp.
I am at my most peaceful state in the Word. I am completely loved. My God felt I was special enough to put average sinful people on this Earth to write all the books for MY good so that I can try to do the best I can.
Thank you, God. Amen.
Why yes, yes I am.
I will shout from every peak and every valley. I. Love. Jesus.
I can’t be hushed. I can’t be “normal” in the eyes of this world. Even going to church once a week isn’t me. Only praying at meals isn’t me.
I speak to my God all day every day. I worship in the car, in my house, in my mind and in my heart. I’m learning a balance of life. I’m learning that people don’t understand me and that’s OK. I’m not on this earth for someone to understand.
I’m on this earth to serve my God. He put this crazy hippy body on this Earth to show God’s love to those who don’t know it; even in the smallest of ways.
For me to know God and not share it would be selfish. It’s our duty as Christians to love this unlovable world and to remind it that LOVE RULES ALL.