((((((((I am not meaning DONE for any other purpose except for dramatic effect of how exhausted I am of how life in 2018 is and how frustrated I am that we are not living as God intends and it IS making life harder on ourselves. I write this blog as a healthier way to get my thoughts out in a safe, judge-free, atmosphere. ))))))
That’s it. I’m done. White flag. I’m just not cut out for a “romantic relationship”.
No matter how I approach it. No matter how careful I am. It screws up. I have worked very hard to become a better version of me. At times, it doesn’t feel much different.
I find myself wondering what I did wrong. I second guess EVERYTHING I say. I do feel a difference in it though. This time, I do feel like I’m trying to do what God wants me to do….mostly.
See. I do really well. I calmly state what I’m trying to say. I communicate my feelings instead of bottling them up. I try to use I statements instead of you statements. I try to understand the situation. But after so long of trying and not getting anywhere, I blow it. I get so frustrated. I have a big mouth sometimes. I don’t cuss anyone out. I just may say things a bit more. Sharp. And then no one wins. I just can’t manage getting pushed and pushed and pushed.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find anyone that I am compatible with. Is that even such a thing anymore? I’m divorced. I have two beautiful children that are my main focus. I have several hats I wear. I desire a Christ centered relationship. I just don’t know how to obtain it.
God, I ask that you dig out all the poo. I ask that you take full reigns of my life. I ask that you are the hand over my mouth when needed and the vision in my eyes. I want what You want and nothing else. Help me to know what that means.