Single

I’ve mastered a lot in my life. One thing I cannot achieve is single parenthood. No matter how hard I try, I find something I haven’t thought of, something I cannot handle.

In a nuclear family, you’re able to tag team one of the hardest jobs…. parenting. Even an option of having family around to help is close to absent in my world. It seems like every time a family member DOES decide to help, something happens and I’m unable to rely on them for one reason or another and it just causes more stress. (Let me say this, I have two grandparents that watch my kids from the time they get off the bus until I pull up and I’m absolutely grateful for the help)

I work one of two jobs in my day. I come home and instantly am needed by two little bodies. They just want to tell me about their day. Tell me their thoughts. I just want to decompress for a second. That option is off the table. These kids are good kids. They have struggles. I want to be there for them through it all. I can’t. The older they get, the more I realize this. I’m tired. I’m mentally exhausted. I have questions and no one to ask. I have thoughts and no one to be my sound board. I have no one to take over while I regain my composure. I’m me. But me is last. I just don’t want to screw my kids up. I want them to know I love them so much. I can’t do everything though.

Life is about checks and balances. Without one the other goes haywire. Peace is found when there is a balance. I’m here. One sided.

Here’s the crazy part though. I have ZERO desire to find someone right now. I put in years of effort to try and make it work and I have learned so much. But right now, I have no energy to find a relationship. I have no energy to weed through the mess to find someone that is good enough for my two children. I want to be left alone. I can’t waste any more of my children’s time. Their hearts have broken because of me and I can’t put them through that again.

Thank you for letting me share!

Kids in 2018. Us parents don’t understand.

My heart is broken. Seems to be the norm right now. It’s just a season. That doesn’t make it hurt less.

My children have endured a pain no kid should but yet the majority of kids in their generation do. The loss of love.

My son never knew his father and I together. I divorced my daughters father when she was a toddler. They both have relationships with their father but they do not know a nuclear family.

Here we are again years later and my children hurt.

I allowed them to get to know someone before he and I had truly had a chance to get to know each other.

It’s just about impossible to date as a single parent. Him and I were both single parents. We had a hard time seeing each other away from each other’s kids. So that’s how it happened.

Fast forward a few months and we realized there were more things needing to be worked on individually before there could ever be someone else’s someone.

Things didn’t end well. We tried to keep as much from the kids as possible.

Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for.

They also try to fill in the holes in what they don’t know or understand.

We all ran into each other for the first time this evening and it was way more than any of us knew how to manage. The children caught themselves in gossip of drama they had no business discussing nor did they understand what they were seeing.

My heart is broken.

I tried my best to stumble over all of the emotions in my own mind to try and help theirs.

My son ends up crying on the way home. I wanted to but kept it together.

It didn’t go well.

Life is dumb sometimes.

We get home. We eat. I explain to the kids that God wants us to always rely on Him wholly. He wants us to love Him first. God knows who we will be when we grow up. He knows who we will marry. He knows everything. He just wants us to have faith in His good plan. We pray for all of us. We give it to God.

It’s mother’s day. No pressure

You ever notice holidays are a trap? Everything HAS to occur at THIS time and this EXACT way and blah blah blah.

Exhausting.

I learned a long time ago, it’s who you are with and the quality of time spent. Not exact details and times.

I was young. Elementary aged. Half of my family was in El Paso, Texas. The other in Alabama. We spent one Christmas in Bama. The other in Texas. And you know, I never noticed where I was the exact day of Christmas. All I remember is having an abundance of family time and lovin.

Fast forward to now. I’m divorced. My children have a whole other set of family, some that I don’t even know about. My children love their other family. I want them to.

It’s important to me for them to have the best time.

So. Don’t let the holiday consume you. Enjoy who you have, when you have them!

I miss you, little ones.

It’s quiet in the house. Q. U. I. E. T. Not sure when the last time I heard the silence of quiet. My fella worked. His two, at their moms. My two, at their dads. Here I am.

I woke up. Went to work. Got my hair cut. Came home. Trimmed all the trees in my yard with the coolest cherry picker tool ever (thanks gpa). Dragged some limbs to the fire pile. Came in because in April, there’s frost warnings. 🤔💨❄️Cleaned the house. Cleaned all the dog hair, only to watch the dogs leave more behind🐕. Made food. Ate food. Watched some of “my shows”. Did tiny laundry. Decided to soak in some Epsom salt. Then BAM. I look over and see a basket full of toys. My Littles play with them when they bathe, for what seems like hours. Those of you with split families know what I’m talking about. You start the time off excited to get things done. Glad that they have family that love them. As the time progresses, though…… I remember their hands. I remember their voices. I start to imagine what they are doing at their dads. I hope they are having a good time. Snuggling and laughing. Just a couple more days. I will get them back. I will be tickled pink. Then they will start to argue about how the popcorn gets butter on it inside of the bag as it cooks 😊🤔😋 y’all feel me?!!!?? I miss you, little ones. Mommy loves you.

Step family. Still family.

I have been a part of a split family for almost 10 years. I have been a part of another split family for 5 years. I was a step parent and my children have a step mom (or live in female parent). One day when I marry again for the second time, there will be a whole other dimension.

I can tell you 10 years in, I have made more mistakes than I can count and I have learned so much.

I remember when I was pregnant with my son, I was in turmoil. All I knew is I had lived one heck of a crazy life up until I saw that extra line on the urine-soaked stick. My life finally had direction. Nothing I had ever done up to that point mattered anymore. I was going to be a mommy no matter who wanted to stop it. I went to my mother’s work and a coworker of hers told me:

“Don’t ever use your child as a tool against their father!”

I respect that coworker and I respected what they had said. I made a promise to do the best I could to never do that. My son turns 10 this year. 10!!!!!! And no matter the struggles that his father and I have endured, I have never said a cross word to my son and I try my hardest to follow my mentor’s thoughts. My son thinks his father is cool beans and I love that he does.

My daughter will turn 7 this year. Her father and I divorced when she was 3. She loves her daddy with all of her heart. I will never ever get in the way of that. Her father and I do not see eye to eye but I know he loves her and that’s enough for me.

My children will grow up and no matter what they feel, they can never say I was disrespectful about their daddy.

My children have more family than they know what to do with. My children never go without anything. For this, I am blessed.

There are times when we all want to choke each other. Society has this idea that splitting makes everything go away. NO SILLY, think on it. You couldn’t agree on life together, so now you want to agree on life, separately?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? That is why you have to take yourself out of the equation. Divorce (with children) just means you take your PERSONAL feelings out of the raising of your children. You do that and you will be successful in co-parenting!!!!

You….You….You little me, you…….

The greatest and most feared part of parenting…….when you get caught parenting little yous in the way you would have never been able to stand as a little you.

 

As I sit and watch my sneaky children be sneaky, I can’t help but remember all of the times I snuck around my parents. I. Must. Remain. Constant.  Being sneaky means you’re smart. So I’m thankful my children are smart. I will  prune the clandestine behaviors out.  I will feed the clever, crafty side.  My children will learn how to be leaders and  will learn how to maneuver life without being dishonest. That is my main goal.  My children will grow into helpful, thoughtful, kind adults.  When someone says their name, honorable thoughts of them will follow.  Until then, I will have to be a parent and not a friend and explain why we can’t give all of the stuffed animals hair cuts and hide the evidence under the bed.  I will have to be a parent and not a friend when after telling my son to put up his clothes as a typical chore, I find ALL of his clothes hidden under a blanket in his closet.  Several. Loads. Of. Clothes.  I will have to stand firm when I have told my children several times to be nice to each other and they continue to be vindictive and come up with some of the most brilliant ways to get each other into trouble.  Parents don’t have eyes in the back of their heads because they want to. Parents have eyes in the back of their heads because they HAVE to, for fear of their sanity.   But we parents do it out of love. Every bit of our parenting, even the hard stuff, is through love.

“Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice and evil tendencies subject to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much to abolish misery from their future and crimes from society.”
Benjamin Franklin