Who I get to be is because of who they were.

I breathe in. I breathe out.

Air. Oxygen.

Life.

A gift.

I look over and see a man. A strong man. A sexy man. A broken man. A recovering man. His chest rises, then falls. His nose flares. I notice the stuble on his cheek. (I imagine when he wakes up, asking him to pluck the good ones. He tells me no. I pucker up. He allows me a few in exchange for my happiness.)

God has shown me in ways I don’t have time to tell, how to love better; how to manage my anger; how to show true love and kindness. I’m able to work this out with him. I fail but I give it my all. I love because God loves me.

God is allowing me to love this man through the hardest time of his life. I am showing him love that isn’t always reciprocated right now because I believe in God’s promises and I believe in this man.

I am grateful to his late wife. I appreciate her giving me the gift of raising her son in her honor. I did not know her but I have learned from her son and husband and other family members, who she was. I make sure to talk with his son about his mother often. I listen to stories of her life before Heaven.

Loving a widower can be confusing and painful. There are feelings of never being able to fill the shoes of a Saint, knowing if the wife didn’t die, your relationship wouldn’t exist. The contradiction your heart feels between jealous moments and heartbreak for the survivors can be a lonely place at times. I could live in those moments and be unhappy but I choose to focus on the gift of knowing my man does not know the bitterness of divorce and the complicated ongoing frustrations of raising children in separate homes. He had an in tact marriage that wasn’t perfect but that ended as God intended, till death do us part. It was way too early and painful beyond my imagination but she and he were blessed to have had the marriage they did.

I am where I am today because of their life together. Thank you, B.

Surrogacy Journey: Post Partum

Moments after baby Kate was delivered, I was up and about. I felt amazing. Sore. But good. I got home the next evening, worn out but manageable. Started with a headache that caused me to cry out in pain and agony any time I wasn’t laying down.

I got scared.

We went to the hospital the next morning. They pumped me full of pain medicine, gave me a prescription and said if it wasn’t better by Monday, another epidural would be done to do a blood patch to fix the leak. I go home, miserably. I slept the rest of the night, the entire next few days. Some family and friends came in and out but the main focus was me and sleep. I was given several 2 liters of mountain dew. I don’t drink cokes. It was A LOT of caffeine.

Post partum day Wednesday, I started to feel better. By Thursday I had no pain when I got up. Praise God.

Now on to the fun part.

Hormones.

I’m a passionate person. I knew it would be an emotional ride.

This pregnancy, as you’ve read before, has been the most emotional. I had hoped the post partum wouldn’t be, but as patterns so often show, it has been WILD. I am extremely loving and sensitive and caring and hurting.

This comes at a rough time in my personal life as it has a very complicated few levels to it right now. I’m praying I level out before I go to work. At this point, I wouldn’t make it. … professionally.

I wanted to compartmentalize my emotions to only focus on baby stuff. That has not happened.

My surrounding support are so nervous that I’m going to freak over the loss of attachment of baby Kate. They tiptoe around me. They talk amongst themselves. When I say it honestly truly does not bother me at all, the cord was cut and my job was complete, it’s like it flips. Now I’m supposed to be perfectly fine with no issues.

Hold up people. I wrecked my body for 1 year and now it’s my responsibity to obtain a healthy post baby mindset, weight and life.

Oh ok. Let me just get right on that.

I need support but not in sadness of a baby lost.

I need support in regaining my mentality. I need support while I cry. I do not need you to tell me it’s nothing to cry about or get angry that I cry. I’m holding onto my kids a little tighter because I made them and they are beautiful miracles and I’m blessed for it. I need you to not question my emotions unless I’m showing signs of hurt in myself. Be here for me.

Let’s laugh. Let’s cry. Let’s keep rocking along through this journey. It ain’t over yet. And I’m ready to continue through the journey of life.

Surrogacy Journey. It. Is. Finished.

January 9, 2020. 650am. 7 lbs 8 Oz. Baby Kate entered the world.

I did it. I succeeded. I completed the task I began over a year ago. What a blessing.

For this child, we all have prayed.

The daddy, mama, and brother are so in love.

I haven’t met her yet but hoping to after I get discharged today.

It was my third birth. The easiest birth I’ve had. I went in at 7pm Wednesday evening. They started medication and I began immediately contracting.

It was a fast process. My water broke at around 330am. I made it until around 8 cm before I begged for an epidural. Contractions ARE THE WORST PAIN. I was having them every minute. No kidding. By the clock, every 30 seconds or so I was in and out of contractions. My boyfriend had dropped me off but due to how fast it was going, decided to stay with me. He really showed up and showed out. He talked me through my breathing. Getting an epidural in between contractions is quite possibly the most irritating experience. The doctor just wants to tap my spinal cord. I just want to punch her in the face. I keep breathing. She sticks me. I’m thankful for modern medicine.

My boyfriend got my phone and called the list of people to let them know we were way ahead of schedule.

My blood pressure drops and they have to give me some meds to spike it back up. I also have oxygen. Not going to lie. It scared me. I just kept telling myself. I can’t give birth if I pass out. I found something to focus on and gazed hard until I elevated.

My doctor, who has been my doctor for all births, had to be woken up and staggered into the room (I’m being slightly dramatic). He’s the best doctor. He’s low key and I love it. He said let’s do this. I begged for them to wait a few more minutes. I promised my 8 year old that she could be in the delivery room as long as she could manage it. My sister (kinda) brought her up there. They rushed her into the room. She held my hand and kept her composure the entire time. She is the most amazing tiny human. She loved it. We pushed and pushed. And baby girl made her appearance st 650!! Mama and daddy were tickled. They immediately took her, got her cleaned up and left the room for another room.

They cleaned me up and that was that.

Just like that.

It’s over.

Post partum:

I had a spinal leak from the epidural. It was excruciating. I was told to drink caffeine all day. Drinking caffeine after being up for 30 hours is a scary mix. It’s slowly tapering off. It was the longest day. I had several visitors. Social media exploded with the celebration of this beautiful baby girls life. By the evening, I was pooped. Everyone went home. I had the room to myself. I was able to finally shower, get jammies on and crawl into the (most uncomfortable) bed.

I slept.

Sleep is beautiful.

Now on to getting back to life. My body will need to heal. I will need to dry my milk up. I will need to mentally get myself back to normal. I will have 3 weeks off of work but I will eventually have to start back. I’ve missed my caseload families but I have thoroughly enjoyed being off and creating a baby! I will need to readjust me and my family’s lifestyle.

God. Is. So. Good.

Surrogacy journey: 38 weeks. Real talk.

I’ve held off on posting my real emotions. This is a delicate situation. 38 weeks pregnant. No spouse. No responsibilities after baby arrives. A family in waiting for their forever blessing to arrive. Nothing about this pregnancy is what society calls normal.

I started blogging this journey for anyone out there who may want to experience surrogacy but I also have to be mindful that many lives are involved.

With that being said, I’m exhausted. I am taking care of a household and children. I’m uncomfortable standing, sitting, laying, bending, anything really. I have mentioned it slightly before but I’m going to tell you…. When they tell you to do a psychological evaluation and counseling beforehand, this is why. It takes more out of you than a “regular” pregnancy.

I don’t mean to but somehow I end up feeling secluded and nothing more than an object to get someone to their destination. I feel I have to fight for my voice to be heard in some scenarios and I feel a bother in others.

These are just fleeting emotions (I tell myself to try and “snap” out of it).

I just left the hospital. I had to register and get a check due to my doctor being out of town. Everything is good. Contracting but not dilated enough to be admitted. I will be induced next week. It’s surreal. She will be here and into her mom and dad’s arms next week. We only have ONE more week. We can do this!!!!!

I have 3 weeks off work paid to rest and heal.

I believe I will feel much better in a few weeks.

I’m hoping I have some help when I get home from the hospital. It takes a lot to manage a household, much more after you deliver a baby.

I called a house cleaning agency. They wanted 230 bucks for a deep cleaning. WHAT??? looks like I need to go into that business. Ha.

Alls well. Baby’s healthy. This is what matters.

We continue on!!!!!

Surrogacy Journey: 36w4d

That was a Braxton Hicks. No, that was a real contraction, says the doctor when I was 35 weeks pregnant.

I’m on bedrest. I’m huge. Baby’s dropped. Mom is freaking out. Her nursery isn’t finished. All is well.

I’m still not due until January 15 but she sure does feel like she’s trying to come. I’m dilated 2cm and having real contractions.

I stay overwhelmed, I suppose. I’m so ready to see this happy, healthy, baby come out and go to her parents.

I had to leave work earlier than I expected and it has caused so much anxiety. My caseload doesn’t just disappear. There are lives that are ongoing and extremely brittle and fragile. I have spent months trying to ensure these families have the services and support they need for a safe home. Leaving them has felt like leaving family. I will be getting back to work as soon as I possibly can. I will follow my doctor’s recommendations, of course.

I will not be venturing down this road again but my heart will be completely open for any support asked of someone who may way to follow their own journey of being a surrogate. It’s beautiful. I am blessed to be able to do it. And I will be blessed to be support for the next person.

Surrogacy journey :getting real

Here I am. 34 weeks. My mid section is growing, what feels like, by the minute. I feel big as a house to have started at 4 foot 11 inches and 101 pounds. I’m still the same height but a good solid 45 pounds heavier. That’s a lot when you think about how mobile I need to be throughout my day.

I am at the part of pregnancy that I’m certain God blocks out of our memory so we will continue having babies. It’s not fun. There’s little sleep involved. Everything is uncomfortable. I ache in every part of my body. My mind is consumed with every emotion possible. I cry several times a day. I have gained more stretch marks than with my two babies combined. I am overflowing even my maternity clothes.

Yet, here I am praising Jesus for this opportunity. Every day I wake up and it’s like I am reminded just what I am doing. Just what gift I am bringing to this world. Just how happy this family will be.

No words can describe it.

Surrogacy journey :32 weeks

32 weeks.

8 weeks left.

Baby girl is moving so much. She is very active. A new contract has been written up for some details of custody and parental rights. It’s long. It’s interesting. It’s descriptive. Lawyers really know their lingo.

I’m doing well. Lots of pains in my ribs and back but considering what some moms go through. I’m blessed.

Knowing that God knows every bit of this little girl and how she’s knit together in my womb is just precious to me.

We are at doctor every 2 weeks. My work keeps a look after me every day. They try to act calm bug any ache or pain I have, they see me. They monitor me. It’s sweet to be cared for like that. I’m thankful for them.

I had to leave work early today. I was hurting so bad. Tingles shoot down my ribcage and to my back. We are having some reviews at work. Extremely important. I have to take care of my health and they are understanding. I’m forever thankful bit stressed beyond my grasp right now.

This too shall pass. It always passes.

Baby Kate is healthy and that’s all that matters right now.

But I am ready to hand her over so I can rest!!!!!

Surrogacy Journey : moving up and out

I’m 26 weeks. Time to nest. But what do I nest. Such an interesting feeling. I’m not stressed about where the baby will sleep. Who will watch baby while I work. Will the baby eat properly. It’s surreal. Mama has bought baby Kate a whole wardrobe and has been researching all of the newest and latest and best of everything. This is so neat. We are 2 people experiencing 2 different events in this process.

Baby Kate is moving a lot now but mostly in the middle of the night and wee hours of the morning so mama hasn’t been able to feel her yet. We have our glucose test and ultrasound at the end of October. Mama can’t wait to see her baby girl and I can’t wait to find out if the placenta previa has corrected itself.

I’m feeling much better, mentally. I started reading a book with an inappropriate title written by Gary John Bishop. It basically says, get over it and figure out a way to fix whatever you’re feeling. Whatever happens, happens. How you respond and how you manage after is your responsibility. It’s helped so much.

Basically, I put my big girl panties on. It’s just hormones and emotions. I will survive. I will bring a baby into this world to complete a family that has wanted this for years. What a blessing it is for me to be able to do this!! The rest isn’t important.

I’m the luckiest gal alive to be able go do this!!!!

Signing off…..

Surrogacy journey 22 weeks in

I’m overwhelmed with emotions. I have had 2 pregnancies before this and NOTHING can compare. I’ve never cried this much in my life. Everything is extreme.

An interesting fact is that my life has never been this complicated either. It’s hard to tell which is causing what. All I can tell you is my mind is pure chaos.

I’m thankful for a healthy baby. I’m trying to ensure a healthy bond with baby mama. I’m trying to prepare for when baby comes and more importantly after baby leaves. I’m trying to ensure I am a good mother to my biological two.

I’m exhausted.

Mentally I cannot go on (she said dramatically). Physically I’m doing OK.

This is a whirlwind. I have approximately 18 weeks left.

I STILL do not regret a thing. But this is definitely more than I could imagine. I honestly don’t think anyone can ever grasp what the surrogacy journey will involve until they experience it for themselves.

We will continue on.

I’m thankful I can rely on God.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Hoping for good news about placenta previa.

Surrogacy Journey: week 18

Hello all!!

It’s week 18. Baby has been doing big things and by big things I mean she’s started tap dancing on my bladder and growing out super fast. She enjoys making sure I don’t sleep and that heartburn is always near. Other than that, it’s great!!! I’m still so tickled to be doing this. Some days I wake up, look at my belly in amazement that she’s in there…..AND SHE’S NOT MINE. This is by far the coolest babysitting job I could imagine.

It’s a little lonely, not going to lie. I would love for someone to rub my back, rub my feet, help me in the evenings when my body is just too tired to continue on, but my birth kiddos need me,and I continue on. Every day that goes by is another day of baking for baby and its an achievement I’m proud of. I want her to be so healthy for mom and dad. My faith is strong. God is there for me. That’s enough, even when I’m being a whiny butt and feeling pitiful.

We get to see the anatomy scan on Tuesday. Mom is so excited. We thought we would see her last visit but we didn’t. Doc promised this one we would.

Sometimes I think about what labor will be like. What the days after will be like. What mom and dad will be like taking baby home from the hospital. What I will do with some time off work to heal mentally and physically. I’m trying to prepare but it’s like the beginning of a roller coaster. No one knows but it will be a memorable experience and I’m ready.