My heart is broken. Seems to be the norm right now. It’s just a season. That doesn’t make it hurt less.
My children have endured a pain no kid should but yet the majority of kids in their generation do. The loss of love.
My son never knew his father and I together. I divorced my daughters father when she was a toddler. They both have relationships with their father but they do not know a nuclear family.
Here we are again years later and my children hurt.
I allowed them to get to know someone before he and I had truly had a chance to get to know each other.
It’s just about impossible to date as a single parent. Him and I were both single parents. We had a hard time seeing each other away from each other’s kids. So that’s how it happened.
Fast forward a few months and we realized there were more things needing to be worked on individually before there could ever be someone else’s someone.
Things didn’t end well. We tried to keep as much from the kids as possible.
Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for.
They also try to fill in the holes in what they don’t know or understand.
We all ran into each other for the first time this evening and it was way more than any of us knew how to manage. The children caught themselves in gossip of drama they had no business discussing nor did they understand what they were seeing.
My heart is broken.
I tried my best to stumble over all of the emotions in my own mind to try and help theirs.
My son ends up crying on the way home. I wanted to but kept it together.
It didn’t go well.
Life is dumb sometimes.
We get home. We eat. I explain to the kids that God wants us to always rely on Him wholly. He wants us to love Him first. God knows who we will be when we grow up. He knows who we will marry. He knows everything. He just wants us to have faith in His good plan. We pray for all of us. We give it to God.
So. Like always. God teaches me ALL the things.
This seasons’ lesson…… Ok Patpat, you got your actions pretty well focused….. Let’s talk about your reactions… Ouch. #Godslap
Isn’t that true for everything? I can manage myself in a confined space. But give me room to run and who knows what will happen!
I can follow Christ’s teachings closely. I can follow his rules the best I can so I can enjoy the happiness he wants for me. But you add another situation and there I go. I forget what I’ve learned.
My goal is to be Christ-like in all situations. No matter how people treat me. No matter what someone says to me. I must REact in such a way that blesses God.
That is what I am learning. That is what I want to do.
Colossians 3:17 “ And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”
I am praying to God. I’m asking for Him to open my heart. I’m asking, as always, for God to shower me with His mercy and grace while I learn to be a better me. I want to react in a healthy, pleasing to God, way. In all my ways.
My world is spinning. With the upcoming re-entry into school to gain a masters degree, my personal issues, and my well being, I am at a loss.
I’m finding it hard to breathe. I’m gasping for breaths.
This is what I deal with.
I’ve prayed, I’ve screamed, to God. Take this. Take all that I have.
This world is broken. It’s breaking me. I keep telling myself it isn’t my world. This. Isn’t. Mine. My riches are in Heaven.
God created us for relationship. Why is that the most impossible thing to accomplish.
My frustrations and sadness are oozing from my every inch of body.
God, give me the strength. I want to be healthy. I want healthy around me. I want what You want.
My heart is so broken. My heart is so sad. My body aches with pain. I’ve gone over and over and over. What could I have done different? What did I do so wrong? What did I miss? How can a single heart take what I have put mine through.
All I know is to seek God. He fulfills me. He is my all. He doesn’t want me to hurt. He doesn’t want me to live in agony. He wants me to ask myself what I am going to do to heal.
I don’t know.
I can only be responsible for me. I can pray for God to work in others lives but it’s not my cross to bear. I have to ask what I can do to improve. I have to find forgiveness. I have to find peace. I have to dive into my Heavenly Father’s arms and ask that he hold me so tight. I am enough. His love for me is enough.
Sometimes I find myself excusing behaviors that just don’t need excusing. It’s strictly because I was too lazy or too sidetracked by something more important or too just didn’t wanna do it.
I have asked God to come into my heart and prune all of that out. It’s a daily progression. I am now at the point where as soon as I think or say it, God shows me what I’m doing. I hope to get to the point where I don’t think or say it as much. Our thoughts are powerful. Just as powerful as saying it out loud.
As early as Adam and Eve, excuses existed. It wasn’t Eve’s fault, the serpent made her do it. It wasn’t Adam’s fault, Eve made him do it. What did God do?
“Where are you” – God
God knew where they were. But he wanted to make a point to make them reveal themselves to Him. Just like God wants us to reveal ourselves to Him. If we won’t admit it and see and God does, what if God doesn’t feel we are ready for the change He wants for us??
God, I ask that you prune me daily.
We know that God loves us. He wants us to live the best life we can. He created us. He knew that every day we would fall short. Through His Grace, we enjoy a spoiled life of unconditional love. Does God expect us to be perfect? No. He does expect us to be new in Him. But this isn’t a new that is only on the outside. Going to church. Volunteering that one time and putting it on social media. He wants us to, inside and out, be new. If you still have the same thoughts as before…. Did you really give your life to Him. God wants us to have a new mind. He wants us to think differently. I find myself mentally sinking into a self made quick sand and I suddenly realize, this isn’t what God wants for me. He wants me to soar for Him. He wants me to achieve so much. He gave me a heart of determination and I am to use it for HIM!!! I have hope that God will keep working on me and through me. Many came before me and lost their lives because of their love of Jesus. God chose for me not to have to live that way. God allows me to live in an environment that has the rights to seek Him freely. So I must find, deep within my soul, every day, His love. I must surround myself with challenges to seek Him more. Challenge me, Lord. To love You greater and bigger than yesterday. Prune any branch that does not have Your goodness in mind. Give me a confidence to do what I need to do.
Ephesians 4 23
I read something the other day that resounded with me. It said it does not matter how we perceive ourselves if other people perceive us differently.
Again, a balance is needed to understand that. It’s not that we should care what others think more than what we think of ourselves but if you notice a pattern of how people perceive you, there may be something to it. You may be missing something you are doing that you don’t notice.
That’s OK to admit. It’s human nature. And if you don’t admit it, you’ll live in insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and over and over expecting different results.
Accept constructive criticism as a way to build a better you. Accept that you aren’t perfect. Accept that your intentions may be good but your ability to get that out sucks. And that’s OK. If we were all perfect life would be boring. Sometimes I suck, but I improve. And I’m happy with that!! 🙂