Doing what’s right?

It’s overwhelming to realize you are doing something wrong. Unless you are a complete jerk, you genuinely think you’re doing something right…..Until you don’t.

I’m a giver. But I heard tonight from something I was watching that if you aren’t listening to God then you may be giving wrong. The example used was if you gave someone something but God wanted the person behind you to be blessed and bless by giving that same thing away, you took their blessing away. Wow. Powerful.

We have to listen to God. In all things. We have to accept that God is right and sometimes we aren’t.

Proverbs 21:2 says that we may think we are right but God examines our hearts.

God, come into my heart and examine it. Help me to listen to Your will and not do anything out of selfish reasons.

Help me to accomplish the big plans I have for my future and do it ONLY under Your will.

Amen.

Take yourself out

I decided to do a thing. A big thing.

I took myself on a romantic weekend getaway.

Alone.

I have been working so hard on becoming ok with me.

I had spent my entire life not liking me. And trying to find a relationship when you don’t like me never works out.

I have grown to love me.

This trip was my reward.

God has spoken so heavily on my heart to fall into His arms. God has shown me what true real love is. I love love and I love me.

I drove almost 5 hours, backroads most of the way, from Alabama to Georgia.

I enjoyed the views of the Ocoee River

I got to my hotel in Helen, Georgia Friday early evening. I unpacked my ridiculous amount of clothes onto one of the double full beds. I spent 2 hours getting ready because I could. It was pouring down rain. I walked to a local German restaurant. Upstairs there was said to be a polka band playing for the Fasching weekend (German Mardi Gra). I was blown away. A man with chin length brown hair and business slacks started jammin on his acordian. With a man playing a saxophone to his right and a man on electric guitar on his left. A man playing the drums behind him. What have I gotten myself into?

THE ALEX MEIXNER BAND!!

I fell in love. The band taught the small tavern crowd the songs. Most everyone knew the songs. I clapped along. I love music. It soothes my soul. I listened to them all night long.

I was asked to dance by a “prince of Fasching”.

I gladly obliged. We danced for hours. The band played their last song and I bee bopped back to the hotel. It was raining on the way home but I didn’t feel it.

It took me way longer than expected to get out of bed the following day. My calves were sore. My head pounded. Still such a wonderful treat to be here I was. I got myself together and set off to find nature. I drove to Unicoi State Park. I heard there was some falls that were breathtaking and I was determined to find them. I got to the park right after the falls closed for the day. I continued on to venture in the park to find peace. There was a playground beside soem running water. There were families grilling and watching the water crash on the rocks.I sat down beside the water and read.

A time later I decided to pack up and explore Helen.

What an adorable town tucked away in the mountains. I love it and will be returning.

I had authentic German meals. I met the owner of the Ol Heidelberg. The best German restaurant owned by one of the kindest Mexican fellas!

The Fasching Festival was on the agenda for the evening. This was the main event of the town.

I’m not going to lie. It was a bit langweilig, or the English folk say boring. I didn’t la t too long before I headed back to the polka band!! I had become a fan. Quick.

We sang and danced the night away. I knew the songs this time.

Another night ended. A completely satisfied customer to this German hidden world.

I woke up at a decent time Sunday morning. I had breakfast and I set out on foot. It was raining but not too bad. I wandered about the town. I’m not a shopper but if you are, there are so many shoppes. There was live music and people watching everywhere. I explored but was determined to make it to the falls.

I did it. I made it.

And of course the pictures don’t do it justice.

The trek up was slightly painful, as I was sore from the polka dancing the previous nights, but well worth it. I enjoyed watching everyone taking pictures of each other and the falls. I offered to take pictures for everyone to enjoy.

I walked back and the bottom fell. I was soaked. But it was a happy soaked.

I got to my truck and set off for more German delights. I found a restaurant overlooking park of the creek. It was delightful and cozy and too early for the lunch rush. My server offered me a personal heater to warm up and dry with. I sat at the bar and enjoyed a heifen weizen and listened to live music. It wasn’t Germna but it was perfect for a rainy afternoon. The woman’s voice was comfortable. The man’s hands were savvy.

I met a man there, Christian Jones, who was about to play at a winery about 20 minutes out. He invited me to join. I had never been to a winery before.
I finished my lunch and went back to the hotel to clean up. I found the winery and I’ll be gonest, I was so nervous to go in I almost missed out. You see, throughout this whole trip, I was alone. No one to chat with. No one to break the uncomfortable moments. But I buckled down and went in. Serenity Sellars.

I sat and sipped some wine straight from the fields I had seen on the way in. I listened to him play his acoustic guitar and sang along to every song because, well, I love music.

It was spectacular. I met a gal who was so pleasant. She made me get up and dance with her. She and her mom were on a girl’s trip. She was from Texas. Such a lovely lady.

I left just in time to make it to the evening church service of Andy Stanley. His sermon was on money and the control it has over us and how we are to control our money. It was powerful. I hadn’t expected any less.

After the service it was Michael Buble time!!! He had a sold out concert and I had a to let burning a hole in my pocket. I have loved his genre of music since I had learned to Frank Sinatra was.

Buble was fun to look at and even better to hear. He is so personable. His tour was LOVE. His songs were love songs. His chorus was on point. Such a magnificent time. I made friends with a lady sitting beside me. We shared facts of Bubles life in between songs. We melted when we just knew he was singing to us. His voice is powerful and I would love to see him again!

I made it back in time to see the last few songs of The Alex Meixner band. It was their last night. They thanked me for coming out all weekend and told me to come back in May. I want to and hope it works out that I can. I got a DVD to share with my son and a few t shirts and tattoos for the kids and went on my merry way.

I crawled into bed with a mind full of success, knowing I had a satisfactory time on my trip.

I woek up the next day, enjoyed a peaceful breakfast, packed up and gave Helen, Georgia a good ol German Auf Wiedersehen (goodbye)!!

I drove all the way home trying to ignore the sickness that was upon me. I had had too amazing of a weekend to have it ruined by the flu. I spent the next two weeks praying for a miracle but it was absolutely worth it.

If you are in a stagnant place in your life, save up, take the trip. You won’t regret it. I saved for 6 months and it was the time of my life. The experience was healing. More importantly I didn’t have the regret of debt hanging over my head when it was over. God has been so good to me and I will be forever grateful for this experience.

Until next time!!

A forever love

My grandparents just shared a story with me of their marriage………

I’m in love.

My grandfather was in the military stationed up North. My grandmother was living in Ohio. The decided to meet at a Chigaco bus stop. 13th street. Little did they know there were se eral. There weren’t cell phones then. They just so happen to both stop at the right one. They got married there in Chicago. With one person as a witness. They spent the weekend and went their separate ways. They’ve been married 60-sum years……….. God love them!!! What a beautiful story. An engineer and an artist. Two ends of the spectrum. Making it work for love.

Signed sealed delivered

3.4.19. I signed the final contract. It’s official. I’m going to be a vessel of hope. I’m going to give the gift of a bigger family. I’m going to give a baby to a mom and dad who are unable to do it themselves. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby I can. I want to have a good pregnancy. I want to be able to give the baby over appropriately when the time comes.

The clinic is giving an estimated May date for pregnancy. I will go through some hormone shots and prepping my uterus will take a few weeks, also. I’m going to be a mom. Without the mom part.

I pray for this unborn child.

Beauty in all

It never goes away. You never “get over it”. The open wounds, they scar. But they can bust open at any minute. It’s a silent pain that no one can see. It’s loud though. You can be minding your own business, living life the best you know how and OUT OF NOWHERE, an awful image or memory or thought, crosses your mind. I often wonder how my life would be different without the infection of my past that fills my brain.

Recovery is beautiful though. Learning to accept what was but understanding that embracing what IS is more important.

Don’t live life as a victim. Don’t allow what happened to you consume who you are meant to be. You had no control over what happened. You DO have control over who you will be now. Use the pain as a fire. Become someone. Help others.

Don’t waste what happened to you. It happened. Now how can you use it for good? Beautiful things come from ashes.

Be. A. Beautiful. Thing.

Assistance to assisting

Who I am now didn’t happen overnight( and still working on it daily). It wasn’t an easy road. This happened over many situations.

Here I was needing help from the government. Using WIC (women’s infant and children) to supplement a small amount of groceries monthly, discovering that no matter what, I was going to be treated like dirt at the heart of my seeking assistance.

I remember sitting in the office of the local health department after an embarrassing low of asking for assistance to support me and my child. I sat there being looked down on by the worker. She was irritated to be at work. She was irritated that I couldn’t give exact information on his father’s income. She didn’t know I was in my second semester of college and I had made a determination that I was going to be someone someday. This woman acted as if I chose to be there. My choices DEFINITELY landed me here. But I didn’t want this life. For me or my baby. I was trying my best to dig myself out. Everything she did and everything she said to me, she wanted me to know I was wasting her time and so was everyone else she had to deal with in her day. It hurt me. I even called to make a complaint although I know it didn’t go far.

Every few months I had to come in for a redetermination. Every few months I dreaded it. I couldn’t continue to take this.

This day I decided to find my place in this line of work. I decided I would try my best to show people respect no matter the circumstances. I wanted to be a fresh face someone saw when they were at their lowest point.

Fast forward 5 years. I got my degree (by the grace of God) . Then I got another degree (still shouting God’s grace) . Then I faithfully applied to DHR. I got an interview. I got an acceptance letter (Amen) . I accepted the job.

My first day on the job was nerve wrecking. I had worked so hard to get to this place. Here I was. My anxiety was high. The place was new. It was different. I tried my very best to be uplifting and positive. I tried to listen to anything I was told. I got settled into my office. I had an office y’all!!!

And then…..

I met the woman that was so negative toward me the day I chose my future. She was a kind lady. She was very helpful to me, being that I was “the new girl”. I mentioned that I had needed assistance years ago and remembered her. She didn’t remember me. I felt it was best not to go further with the story.

To this day she is a good Co-worker. We get along well.

She has no idea how she was fuel to my already burning fire to make a change in this life.

Alone but not lonely

God bless me.

I’m sitting in church. My children left for children’s church. I’m completely alone. I am the only one in the pugh. And I’m ever so comfortable. And it’s all because of God and His love for me. I used to have such anxiety because I had a spouse that was miserable to be there. Then it turned into I didn’t have a spouse to hold my hand. How beautiful God is to calm my soul.

God has worked a miracle in my life. I sing the songs to praise His love loud and proud. I sway back and forth. I smile and tap to the beat. I don’t feel an emmense pain in my chest. I feel a glow of God. It beams off me.

God is so good to me.

God has loved me when I am unlovable.

God is working on me daily!!!