Surrogacy : Baby Eve

Well we made it. It’s the night before transfer. I have so many emotions. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m hopeful. I’m scared.

My son had a baseball game in town. I had to ask the concession stand for a bag of ice. Actually, I asked my daughter to ask because I got it like that. She brought me a glove full of ice. I tucked it into my suit and continued to watch the game until baby mama arrived. The glove busted so I walked to the car with a wet rear end.

The only way we could do the shot tonight is in the back seat of my car. Oh to be in the mind of those people walking by.

My daughter was big and bad and wanted to give me the shot. I told her no. She got upset. I said, how about you watch baby mama prepare it and then you decide. She’s 7.

Baby mama got the shot ready and my daughter decided not only thst she wants going to give me the shot but she couldn’t even watch.

This is it. This is the last shot before I carry the embryo. Tomorrow at 11am I will be two. Prayers appreciated. Thoughts and any other voodoo welcome also. Operation #bringbabyhome is real!

Next phase of surrogacy

I finished my last round of blood work and ultrasound appointment. Everything is on schedule. I had a panicked week thinking my body ovulated but it was a false alarm. I did not. We are on to progesterone shots. The embryo will be implanted Wednesday.

BABY IMPLANTED IN JUST A FEW DAYS!

Baby mama came to my office this morning and ever so gently gave me my first (huge) shot. She is so kind and loving. I’m honored to give her this gift that she so deserves to enjoy.

I promised to be honest in my blog.

Honesty in 3….2…1….

There have been some side effects I knew but couldn’t prepare for and some have been unexpected….

I have a strange emotion that has popped up. I understand why those who have gone before me have mentioned loneliness. I signed up for this. This is my decision. With that responsibility I feel I have to hide my side effects so my environment won’t throw it up in my face “you did this to yourself”. I caught myself crying in my office. So alone. Crying for many reasons, none of which are worthy of tears.

I am still just so excited to be on this journey. I don’t regret a second of it. I’m ready for the next step.

But it is complicated trying to live my chaotic, everchanging, life, while simultaneously preparing for baby.

God is in control always. I pray my insecurities calm down. I pray God comes and washes my mind of negativity about my current choices.

I pray for my hormone levels. I’m glad they are irate because that means my body is accepting of the medication. I pray it continues to follow the schedule. I pray for a successful implantation and pregnancy.

I also selfishly pray for my heart as I am broken and trying every day to work on me. I pray God restores love. I pray I am forever making Him proud on Earth.

I pray for my support. I pray they are loving to me and do not leave me. I pray I appreciate and respect them.

Insecurity

I’m sitting here……. Lost in my own mind….

How can one person have this many thoughts without an explosion or fire??

Every move this world makes, I imagine the next 3 steps. Why?

Anxiety and insecurities.

Lifelong experience of things going wrong.

My mind is a vulture. It attacks when it smells fresh meat. Fresh thoughts. Good experiences.

Just around the corner it will all crash down. Life doesn’t work out for you, Pattie. Don’t get used to this.

NO!

STOP!

This isnt real.

LIES!

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Everything is OK. It’s not perfect. It has valleys and it has mountains. Beautiful luscious mountains. We wouldn’t appreciate the mountains as much if it weren’t for the valleys.

Praise always.

I will calm my soul. I will be OK. Whatever will be, will be. If things aren’t meant to be, they aren’t. No amount of fear and emotion will stop the truth.

God has a plan way bigger than mine.

God will bless me. One way or another.

Amen.

Cope or die

Getting sober has to do with removing the crutch (es) from your life. More importantly, it has everything to do with learning coping skills that you lacked when you used.

As an (always recovering) addict, at some point I had the hard realization that if I did not stop the journey I was on, I was going to kill myself. I couldn’t tell if it would be by my own hands or by the vices I held so high.

I HAD to realize there were people who went through the same or worse than I and they did not escape into unhealthy vices. I had to decide my life was worth living and that it was time to find my healthy and embrace it fully.

It took God. It took accepting that I was unhealthy and that all of my choices were unhealthy. It took fully breaking down and releasing everything to God. My pain, my weaknesses, my stubbornness, my everything.

What’s hard for most of us addicts is that we endulge in instant gratification. We want what we want immediately.

Sobriety is long and drawn out and lasts a life time. That is NOT what we want to hear. That’s why I believe God blesses us in the little things so we can keep full ahead to reach our end with peace.

I have been sober for 11 years now. My life is not easier than it was. Yes I wake up knowing where I am and whst happened the night before. Yes my body is healthier. Life is not easier. It’s harder. But it’s my pleasure to cope sober.

I deal with stressor every day. I make a choice to attack it with God’s power daily.

This, my friends, is true sobriety.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonable happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

Reinhold Niebuhr

Love or bust

I’m a lover.

I love love.

I desire it in all ways.

From family, friends, coworkers strangers.

There’s so many different ways of showing love, how could anyone not love love?? !!!!?? !??

Beware of the gray. Loving love can cause confusion, pain and deceit.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23)

I try so hard to respect love as I give it and receive it. My daily prayer is for God to show me better ways of loving and accepting love.

Do you notice ways you could improve your love?

I have found loving myself is possibly the most difficult. I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I can learn better ways to love in those ways. I struggle in how to love myself more.

I can be very hard on myself because I’ve seen everything I’ve done and I’ve known the ugly of myself. I expect much from myself. Better every day.

God blesses me every day. He loves me. I want to love like Jesus; in all the ways.

This is me.

Writing down my desires in hopes to accomplish all I ponder.

Amen.

Too much too fast

I’ve pondered until there’s no space left in my mind.

When something starts, it’s beautiful. It’s fun and exciting ; new smells, new feelings and new environments.

The problem with new is there’s not a long standing history to lean back on when blunt force trauma occurs. It’s no one’s fault. Life just happens in all the ways we didn’t expect or want. Humans sometimes need to blame each other to feel better. But often, this is just not the truth. It’s purely the situation and nothing more. It’s outside sources that are uncontrollable. Of course everyone can have faults, but none that warrant the reward of “blame”.

We have to accept this as truth to be able to move forward.

God loves us all. God heals all.