Rely.

My world is spinning. With the upcoming re-entry into school to gain a masters degree, my personal issues, and my well being, I am at a loss.

I’m finding it hard to breathe. I’m gasping for breaths.

This is what I deal with.

I’ve prayed, I’ve screamed, to God. Take this. Take all that I have.

This world is broken. It’s breaking me. I keep telling myself it isn’t my world. This. Isn’t. Mine. My riches are in Heaven.

God created us for relationship. Why is that the most impossible thing to accomplish.

Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My frustrations and sadness are oozing from my every inch of body.

God, give me the strength. I want to be healthy. I want healthy around me. I want what You want.

6 responses to “Rely.”

  1. Sherry D Brewer Avatar
    Sherry D Brewer

    I don’t want to offend but I have walked that trial of myself. Maybe not the exact same road as you are on but kind of.

    I was married to the man I loved but our marriage had been compromised by infidelity, anger and selfishness, and the last two still visited us regularly. I was a mother of two young children. I had acquired a physical disability. I was returning to school. And I was going around and visiting churches and doing special music and sharing my Jesus.

    Sounds like I shouldn’t have had a problem huh? Yet what I found was that as I pushed through things I started building walls so that I could proceed back and forth through my world more easily. I thought that I was being wise and strong. Instead, what I was doing was turning to myself for answers. It was just so hard to see and comprehend it when I was in the midst of it.
    Anyway that eventually led me to being overwhelmed and vulnerable which was not the end I was anticipating or striving for at all.

    You see as we became anxious about life we are unable to enjoy it.

    Now my concerns, hurts and fears were all justifiable but when anxiety reigns it means my faith is not.
    I was allowing too many things to race through my mind. I had too many plates spinning and that made it easy for the adversary to come in and lay the ‘final straw’ upon me that brought me down down.

    Now I couldn’t lay down my responsibilities as a mom and I knew I was supposed to go back to school. I also knew physically things were harder than they had been before. I also knew that my relationship with my husband was something I would foster but ultimately he would make his choices – and he was not a child to be instructed or a test that I could study for and ace. He and the Lord were the only ones able to examine and contend with what lay in his heart.

    My anxiety and desire to keep life upbeat and moving forward… my needs and expectations brought me to a sudden stop. People on the outside couldn’t see it and I was pretty good at carrying on. However regardless of whether anybody else knows it – I did and in the quiet it tore at me so that we didn’t experience the rest that I needed.
    The good news is that we don’t have to consider a dozen more things in order to find the rest we need. That rest comes simply as we lean into the Lord, seeking Him as our strength as the answer to life’s stuff.
    Peace overtook anxiety as I let go and released my expectations and needs to Him.
    Its a daily choice to surrender and give the day and its expectations and my needs away to the One who is able to strengthen me with what I will face today I I can make up and try to prepare for what might come but He already knows and is prepared for what will come.

    Now I would love to say that having realized that in 1993 that I was solid. But this is a place I have visited often in my journey.
    I can step over little things like speed bumps AND on a good day the world can throw me a hurdle and I can clear it. But there are seasons when those hurdles look like mountains and the pain and anxieties and the fears loom above me again. In that moment
    I forget that I’m not standing in the shadow of a mountain but in the shadow of the Almighty. I faced those same choices and those same shadows 15 years later when a brain injury left me with cognitive and physical issues that cannot be resolved. And I’ve faced it again more recently with the sudden death of my redeemed husband who had become my best friend.

    Yet God is faithful and displays Grace everytime I release my life and its struggles and sorrows over to Him. Honestly I get frustrated with myself sometimes as I get so busy trying to do good and do the right thing that in those moments I lose sight of Jesus Himself. I can tell because the thing that reigns in my heart then is confusion and chaos and concerns instead of peace and rest. Exhale…

    Thank you for being real and sharing because I also needed a reminder today that I have got two ways to handle the situations in front of me…

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    1. Patunia Avatar
      Patunia

      Thank you so much for your story!!!!!

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    2. Patunia Avatar
      Patunia

      We are so lucky to have a God that allows options. He let’s us bear the consequences do those options too. Forever grateful in my messy Grace!

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  2. bgddyjim Avatar
    bgddyjim

    You’ve screamed to God to take this, did you? I can relate. Been there. Of course, I stopped screaming when I realize He heard me the first time. God doesn’t wrestle with me. He gave me the free will to pick things back up. Kinda sucks, but that’s how it is.

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    1. Patunia Avatar
      Patunia

      You’re exactly right!!!!!! And I will pick them all back up, knowing He loves me through my anger!

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      1. bgddyjim Avatar
        bgddyjim

        Exactly. 😉

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