I’m sitting here……. Lost in my own mind….
How can one person have this many thoughts without an explosion or fire??
Every move this world makes, I imagine the next 3 steps. Why?
Anxiety and insecurities.
Lifelong experience of things going wrong.
My mind is a vulture. It attacks when it smells fresh meat. Fresh thoughts. Good experiences.
Just around the corner it will all crash down. Life doesn’t work out for you, Pattie. Don’t get used to this.
This isnt real.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Everything is OK. It’s not perfect. It has valleys and it has mountains. Beautiful luscious mountains. We wouldn’t appreciate the mountains as much if it weren’t for the valleys.
I will calm my soul. I will be OK. Whatever will be, will be. If things aren’t meant to be, they aren’t. No amount of fear and emotion will stop the truth.
God has a plan way bigger than mine.
God will bless me. One way or another.
I dream of being a wife. I dream of trying my best to please my husband. Never being perfect but being perfectly in love forever with my person. I have a high sex drive. I enjoy turning my man on. I believe in home cooked meals. I’m not a slob.
I was a wife for years. I tried so hard. But I tried so hard with the wrong person and in the wrong mindset. I also was young. I feel I have so much more to offer now. So much more understanding of who I am and what I am supposed to be.
I imagine a marriage that works things out appropriately. I imagine disagreeing and being ok. Raising our children in a healthy environment so they can see what a healthy relationship looks like.
My spouse and I would watch nerd shows about space and history. My spouse would read to me. We would read separately. We would research history. History of life and history of God. We would enjoy small groups together. We would enjoy devotions together joyfully. We would be best friends. We would have our separate time. We would come back together and be so excited to be in each other’s presence again.
We would work on our cars together. We would clean together. We would tag team all the hardships of life. The loneliness would be gone. Cold shoulders would be caused from sitting in a hot tub out in the middle of the cold winter NOT for demeaning purposes.
We would embrace trust in every way. I would not let this outside world come into our safe zone. I would understand my spouses heart and he, mine. We would be able to socially manage life and enjoy our alone time together, also.
We would know we were different but the love we have would overcome all.
And if I don’t ever have the opportunity to be a wife again, I will understand deeper than I ever have before.
Months ago I made a promise. I had felt it for a couple years but I wasn’t strong enough to fulfill just what I had felt in my heart.
I promised God to focus only on Him. It has been a daily struggle as this world does not care about promises. I have found myself fighting off so much but every time I did, I felt God was shining on me and I DO feel God showing me love through this.
I have made a promise to God. No, I’m not a 13 year old girl whose parents have created this promise for my safety. I’m 32. And I have promised to not allow myself to get lost in anything or anyone. I promise to work on my finances and my goals I have set forth for myself. I have promised to abstain from sex and dating(I will be going into details on this at a later time) .
I have been chastised for this but that is just another fight I’m willing to have. That’s how much this means to me. I pray all day every day. I ask God to come into my heart and work on His will.
I had a desire to buy myself a ring. Not to show off anything but as a symbol of my seriousness. I prayed on what to do because like I said, I have been working on my finances and did not want to make the wrong choice. My son and I went to a jewelry store. I asked the attendant if he had a cross ring. He looked at me funny and said he didn’t think so. I felt such a strong pull. I stood there in silence. He stared at me. I stared at him with my sons hand in my hand. I can’t explain it. Then he said wait…. And went behind the counter and dug to the bottom of the cabinet away from all the light and sparkle. He pulled it out. I knew it was the one. He said it was the only one they had and they had had it for a while. I put it on. I had no doubt in my mind. This was a reward. A blessing. I told him I would take it. He asked to put it in a box but I was so proud I said no thank you. I purchased the ring and I’ve worn it ever since.
An accidental side note. My children have witnessed this transformation. They are proud of me. Of course I did not go into any physical details but I did explain to them the importance of (watch out now, this Christian is about to say the cliche phrase) guarding your heart and how God wants us to seek Him so deeply that a spouse will TRULY have to seek Him also to find them. They’ve witnessed too much of my heartbreak and experienced heart break of their own. They’re healing as I heal. They’re growing as I grow.
I will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
God bless you all.