Too much too fast

I’ve pondered until there’s no space left in my mind.

When something starts, it’s beautiful. It’s fun and exciting ; new smells, new feelings and new environments.

The problem with new is there’s not a long standing history to lean back on when blunt force trauma occurs. It’s no one’s fault. Life just happens in all the ways we didn’t expect or want. Humans sometimes need to blame each other to feel better. But often, this is just not the truth. It’s purely the situation and nothing more. It’s outside sources that are uncontrollable. Of course everyone can have faults, but none that warrant the reward of “blame”.

We have to accept this as truth to be able to move forward.

God loves us all. God heals all.

Boundary

There is something very strong going on here. Very strong.

Almost scaring me.

No. It is scaring me.

There is an evil in this world. We cannot be fully responsible for it. We are not that big and bad. We are not that powerful.

It is all around us.

Our worst fears, as adults, are real scenarios. It’s not a fantasy monster. It’s the fear of failure, death, pain, whether mental or physical. These are real. And they hurt.

I have asked God to come into my life and wreak havoc on my soul so that I could be “the person, the person I’m looking for, is looking for” (- Andy Stanley) . But my faith in God has also allowed me to say, if that is not an option, to learn to be satisfied.

I am afraid that as I asked God to come in, the devil weaseled his way in, also. HARD.

There’s always the possibility that this is just life. That the devil isn’t here attempting to e a t my soul at every moment. But it does not feel that way right now.

Just in the past few weeks, issues have surrounded me. Not, oh no I stubbed my toe and spilled my coffee, issues. Issues that could be life changing. These issues have something in common…..XY chromosome….

Out of respect of those XY chromosomes, I will not go into detail but I sit here tonight, my chest is in pain and I’m frustrated. I have attempted to get in contact with a handful of respectful females that I know I can count on to help me appropriately work through my problems.

No one is answering.

It’s late.

But I’m OK.

It’s not hidden that I have anxiety.

I will talk it out.

At the end of the day, I know we are all human. We all live the best we can. Sometimes we can have conflict. Sometimes we accidentally step on boundaries because we are unsure of how to respect them.

I have been on both sides.

I can tell you that tonight, this week, the past few weeks, boundaries have been stomped on.

God, please come into my heart so I know how to manage these feelings.

Amen.

React

If you can’t learn how to react appropriately, is there really a change?

Ponder this for a while.

Communication is our strongest desire and our weakest skill.

Will update later.

Hi. It’s later.

If communication was fully understood at the beginning of any interaction, chaos would be minimal. When I communicate a, b, c, d, I mean those very things. Who I am speaking to can hear something different, or maybe they don’t appreciate the seriousness of your communication.

Did you ponder like I mentioned earlier?

I did.

So how do we get someone else to understand our communication? We can’t. We cannot control anyone else. All we can do is work harder at learning to communicate what we feel more appropriately.

Reacting can be a response to when our communication fails.

That’s also something we cannot control in others but we must control ourselves.

If you need to walk away…. Take a breather…. Drive down the road….go to God….. Scream into a pillow….. Do that.

We cannot take reactions back. Once they are out in the universe, that’s it. If you put negative out, you’re responsible for it. You’re responsible for the pain you caused and the scar that comes with it.

I don’t say this to strike fear but for us all to understand the severity of damaging others and ourselves. We are all born as clean slates. Our experiences in this world are written all over us. Don’t be the reason someone else’s slate is shattered.

Protect yourself from instances where your slate will be damaged.

That’s a lot. I know.

This is me. This is my process. I share what I’ve learned as I learn it. TRY to learn it.

Wifey material or never

I dream of being a wife. I dream of trying my best to please my husband. Never being perfect but being perfectly in love forever with my person. I have a high sex drive. I enjoy turning my man on. I believe in home cooked meals. I’m not a slob.

I was a wife for years. I tried so hard. But I tried so hard with the wrong person and in the wrong mindset. I also was young. I feel I have so much more to offer now. So much more understanding of who I am and what I am supposed to be.

I imagine a marriage that works things out appropriately. I imagine disagreeing and being ok. Raising our children in a healthy environment so they can see what a healthy relationship looks like.

My spouse and I would watch nerd shows about space and history. My spouse would read to me. We would read separately. We would research history. History of life and history of God. We would enjoy small groups together. We would enjoy devotions together joyfully. We would be best friends. We would have our separate time. We would come back together and be so excited to be in each other’s presence again.

We would work on our cars together. We would clean together. We would tag team all the hardships of life. The loneliness would be gone. Cold shoulders would be caused from sitting in a hot tub out in the middle of the cold winter NOT for demeaning purposes.

We would embrace trust in every way. I would not let this outside world come into our safe zone. I would understand my spouses heart and he, mine. We would be able to socially manage life and enjoy our alone time together, also.

We would know we were different but the love we have would overcome all.

And if I don’t ever have the opportunity to be a wife again, I will understand deeper than I ever have before.

Just dating Jesus

Months ago I made a promise. I had felt it for a couple years but I wasn’t strong enough to fulfill just what I had felt in my heart.

I promised God to focus only on Him. It has been a daily struggle as this world does not care about promises. I have found myself fighting off so much but every time I did, I felt God was shining on me and I DO feel God showing me love through this.

I have made a promise to God. No, I’m not a 13 year old girl whose parents have created this promise for my safety. I’m 32. And I have promised to not allow myself to get lost in anything or anyone. I promise to work on my finances and my goals I have set forth for myself. I have promised to abstain from sex and dating(I will be going into details on this at a later time) .

I have been chastised for this but that is just another fight I’m willing to have. That’s how much this means to me. I pray all day every day. I ask God to come into my heart and work on His will.

I had a desire to buy myself a ring. Not to show off anything but as a symbol of my seriousness. I prayed on what to do because like I said, I have been working on my finances and did not want to make the wrong choice. My son and I went to a jewelry store. I asked the attendant if he had a cross ring. He looked at me funny and said he didn’t think so. I felt such a strong pull. I stood there in silence. He stared at me. I stared at him with my sons hand in my hand. I can’t explain it. Then he said wait…. And went behind the counter and dug to the bottom of the cabinet away from all the light and sparkle. He pulled it out. I knew it was the one. He said it was the only one they had and they had had it for a while. I put it on. I had no doubt in my mind. This was a reward. A blessing. I told him I would take it. He asked to put it in a box but I was so proud I said no thank you. I purchased the ring and I’ve worn it ever since.

An accidental side note. My children have witnessed this transformation. They are proud of me. Of course I did not go into any physical details but I did explain to them the importance of (watch out now, this Christian is about to say the cliche phrase) guarding your heart and how God wants us to seek Him so deeply that a spouse will TRULY have to seek Him also to find them. They’ve witnessed too much of my heartbreak and experienced heart break of their own. They’re healing as I heal. They’re growing as I grow.

I will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

God bless you all.

Alone but not lonely

God bless me.

I’m sitting in church. My children left for children’s church. I’m completely alone. I am the only one in the pugh. And I’m ever so comfortable. And it’s all because of God and His love for me. I used to have such anxiety because I had a spouse that was miserable to be there. Then it turned into I didn’t have a spouse to hold my hand. How beautiful God is to calm my soul.

God has worked a miracle in my life. I sing the songs to praise His love loud and proud. I sway back and forth. I smile and tap to the beat. I don’t feel an emmense pain in my chest. I feel a glow of God. It beams off me.

God is so good to me.

God has loved me when I am unlovable.

God is working on me daily!!!

Baby

Baby I want you.

But I want sanity more.

I don’t know what I’m doing right now. So I need you to stay away.

I’ve got things going on. I can’t explain most of them. But what I do know is I need to be right where I am.

Away from you. Away from it all.

Baby I want you.

But I want my sanity more.