Just a rub

I just want a back rub. I want a person’s touch on my body. I want to feel a release of this stress I’m holding so tightly to. I want to cuddle. I want to spoon. I want intimacy. I want comfort. I want security.

But I don’t want it with just anyone. And I don’t want it without God.

I don’t want someone to tell me why I’m doing or not doing something the right way. I want this world to understand something it more than likely never will. I want an understanding of where I am in life and what I’m trying to accomplish.

I’ve heard it before and I will pass it along. Being with no one is so much better than being with the wrong one.

Life is about time. We have all the time but yet our time is always disappearing. I want my time to be appropriate. I want what’s right.

I don’t know what that means right now. But I know I don’t want to move.

God please keep this true to my heart.

Amen.

Lonely road

Perspective-A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something. A point of view.

I find myself in deep thought. Am I too much? I’m not good enough? I will be alone forever? No one can handle me?

I came from such a chaotic dysfunctional background. I lived the same life when I began life on my own. It was miserable in the end. I decided in my early 20s that I wanted a better life for myself.

For over 10 years now I have not stopped improving. I have fallen on my face more times than I can count, don’t get me wrong. But I promised myself I would always get back up.

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,14 I press on toward the goal to win the prizefor which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12-14

I have found that some people around me don’t see who I was and how far I have come. They don’t see the passion behind my choices. What I desire out of life isn’t appreciated. They see me in a different light than I ever want to be seen in.

I honestly do not want my way. My way can be unhealthy and disrespectful. I am human. I live in sin. Which is why everything I try to do comes from the Bible I solely base my life on.

I do not want to be a part of chaos. I don’t want to be a part of unhealthy. I don’t want those I care about to be either.

Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man,

Proverbs 22:24

I have learned boundaries where I never had them before.

Here I am, working all these jobs and going to school and trying to balance my life with little help. I find myself in frustrating situations where people expect so much more from me than I can give right now. People expect me to be perfect and completely able to handle situations. I can not. I just want to be understood. I want peace.

I will find peace through my Lord and Savior.

Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. …

Psalm 27:1-14

The Lord my God knows my trouble. He also knows my heart.

The pain of loss

Uuupppddaaatteeeee 10.10.18::: I read Jesus Calling. I try to read it in my mornings but sometimes I don’t make it. Take a look at what yesterday’s daily devotion was. Wow. Same day I wrote this complaint. God is so good to show me what I need to work on and I’m absolutely blessed for it….

I’ve lost so much. I try not to focus on it all the time. Everyone loses. That’s part of life. But lately I’ve just felt it all so hard.

I lost innocence. I lost love. I lost friendship. Sometimes tied up in one incident. Sometimes back to back.

I’ve had family I feel were lost. I’ve had friends that I thought were family to disappear.

I am surrounded by so many. But the feeling I feel is strong. I feel I’ve lost those whom I thought were closest to me.

I’m a trustworthy person. When someone constantly questions that, it’s so hard to walk away, but it becomes the only option.

I’m a person who loves to be there for someone, but when people are constantly not there for me, it hurts so much.

Lord hear my whines. Lord calm my soul.

Amen.

God loves you. God loves them too.

When you surrender your hurt to God, truly release it, a fresh new perspective takes its place. God loves you. So much. God loves anyone that has ever hurt you just as much. We are all sinners. We all fall short. My mistakes and downfalls are no greater or less than yours. If we can truly accept what Jesus tries to teach us, we will be able to sail through life in a much happier place. Let go of victim mentality. Let go of what someone did to you and accept that you have probably hurt people before in your life too. How can YOU become bigger and better than before. This is what life is all about. Don’t drag someone through the mud. Rise above. Be the grace you want others to have for you. We all feel pain. Sadness. Loneliness. Fear. We all want unconditional love. Show unconditional love by forgiving. God doesn’t tell us to be ran over and beat down. But he does tell us to let go and let God.

Amen.

Soul searchin

My heart is so broken. My heart is so sad. My body aches with pain. I’ve gone over and over and over. What could I have done different? What did I do so wrong? What did I miss? How can a single heart take what I have put mine through.

All I know is to seek God. He fulfills me. He is my all. He doesn’t want me to hurt. He doesn’t want me to live in agony. He wants me to ask myself what I am going to do to heal.

I don’t know.

I can only be responsible for me. I can pray for God to work in others lives but it’s not my cross to bear. I have to ask what I can do to improve. I have to find forgiveness. I have to find peace. I have to dive into my Heavenly Father’s arms and ask that he hold me so tight. I am enough. His love for me is enough.

Amen.

Excuses

Sometimes I find myself excusing behaviors that just don’t need excusing. It’s strictly because I was too lazy or too sidetracked by something more important or too just didn’t wanna do it.

I have asked God to come into my heart and prune all of that out. It’s a daily progression. I am now at the point where as soon as I think or say it, God shows me what I’m doing. I hope to get to the point where I don’t think or say it as much. Our thoughts are powerful. Just as powerful as saying it out loud.

As early as Adam and Eve, excuses existed. It wasn’t Eve’s fault, the serpent made her do it. It wasn’t Adam’s fault, Eve made him do it. What did God do?

“Where are you” – God

God knew where they were. But he wanted to make a point to make them reveal themselves to Him. Just like God wants us to reveal ourselves to Him. If we won’t admit it and see and God does, what if God doesn’t feel we are ready for the change He wants for us??

God, I ask that you prune me daily.

Amen.

Perception

I read something the other day that resounded with me. It said it does not matter how we perceive ourselves if other people perceive us differently.

Again, a balance is needed to understand that. It’s not that we should care what others think more than what we think of ourselves but if you notice a pattern of how people perceive you, there may be something to it. You may be missing something you are doing that you don’t notice.

That’s OK to admit. It’s human nature. And if you don’t admit it, you’ll live in insanity. Doing the same thing over and over and over and over expecting different results.

Accept constructive criticism as a way to build a better you. Accept that you aren’t perfect. Accept that your intentions may be good but your ability to get that out sucks. And that’s OK. If we were all perfect life would be boring. Sometimes I suck, but I improve. And I’m happy with that!! 🙂