Learning to live in this world through HOPE

Too much too fast

April 13, 2019

love I guess

I’ve pondered until there’s no space left in my mind.

When something starts, it’s beautiful. It’s fun and exciting ; new smells, new feelings and new environments.

The problem with new is there’s not a long standing history to lean back on when blunt force trauma occurs. It’s no one’s fault. Life just happens in all the ways we didn’t expect or want. Humans sometimes need to blame each other to feel better. But often, this is just not the truth. It’s purely the situation and nothing more. It’s outside sources that are uncontrollable. Of course everyone can have faults, but none that warrant the reward of “blame”.

We have to accept this as truth to be able to move forward.

God loves us all. God heals all.

No comments on Too much too fast
Why surrogacy?

April 7, 2019

surrogacy in snow

I have had so many people asking questions. Let me see if I can answer some here.

How much are you charging?

I have researched that women can make up to 40/50000 per child. I’m not doing this for the money. I asked to not have a financial gain but after discussing with my support group, we agreed that due to me having to support my two children through this process and my life completing turning upside down for 10 months, and the persuasion of my beautiful baby mama, I accepted a MUCH MUCH smaller amount. Four figures type amount. I still don’t like it. But I understand it.

How do you know each other?

I do not personally know my baby mama and father. We have gone to church together for approximately 15 years. The mother and father are part of the praise and worship band. I have enjoyed their talents for many years. Our parents are friends and our siblings are friends. I have watched their family struggle with many personal family matters that would break some of us, yet this family has stayed strong.

Why would you do this?

God says our bodies are a temple. When we give ourselves to Him, we die. We become new in Him. Everything we do should be for Him. Although I haven’t always respected my body and used it only for God’s good, I want to completely. I had thought years ago about giving my body to a family in need. I have felt such a strong pull since I had my son. Having my son was the most life-changing experience and to know there were women out there who wanted a baby of their own, but their bodies were unable, broke my heart. I have prayed since I was 21 about placing a family in my path that I could bless. I had a few families I had thought would be an option but it never worked out. It was my plan, not God’s. This situation literally fell in my lap. I am blessed to offer this opportunity to this family.

How are you going to give the baby up?

We are not our own. My children are not mine. We are all God’s. Period. Biologically this child will not have a single strand of my DNA. Physically, I will get to know this child in the most intimate ways. I will help create its heart, lungs, it’s ears, it’s fingers and toes. I prayerfully will keep this baby alive the entire time in utero. My body will be bound to its body. I will feel it’s hiccups and kicks and punches. I will talk to it. And just as beautifully, I will ask this baby to exit my body (in the most pleasant way it can see fit) and become part of a family that is not my own. That’s it.

How will you recover from this?

Again. God.

I am birthing a baby. I will have maternity leave. I will be planning some heavy family time with my children. We will more than likely be taking a trip toward the end of my recovery. I’m on the fence but leaning toward Disney. I have an amazing support system of family and friends that don’t quite get this decision

No comments on Why surrogacy?
Shot shot shot

April 2, 2019

surrogacy in snow

4.2.19

I did my first shot today. I woke up full of anxiety. I do not love shots. I assumed it was going to be the worst shot ever created.

I’m so dramatic.

At approximately 830 I had my first shot. It was tiny. And I survived.

I look back and laugh at how inappropriate I acted.

Isn’t that funny. I wore myself out for nothing.

I paced and pleaded to do anything but this shot.

Now for the next few weeks this is my new norm.

Baby, here we come.

No comments on Shot shot shot
Boundary

March 31, 2019

love I guess

There is something very strong going on here. Very strong.

Almost scaring me.

No. It is scaring me.

There is an evil in this world. We cannot be fully responsible for it. We are not that big and bad. We are not that powerful.

It is all around us.

Our worst fears, as adults, are real scenarios. It’s not a fantasy monster. It’s the fear of failure, death, pain, whether mental or physical. These are real. And they hurt.

I have asked God to come into my life and wreak havoc on my soul so that I could be “the person, the person I’m looking for, is looking for” (- Andy Stanley) . But my faith in God has also allowed me to say, if that is not an option, to learn to be satisfied.

I am afraid that as I asked God to come in, the devil weaseled his way in, also. HARD.

There’s always the possibility that this is just life. That the devil isn’t here attempting to e a t my soul at every moment. But it does not feel that way right now.

Just in the past few weeks, issues have surrounded me. Not, oh no I stubbed my toe and spilled my coffee, issues. Issues that could be life changing. These issues have something in common…..XY chromosome….

Out of respect of those XY chromosomes, I will not go into detail but I sit here tonight, my chest is in pain and I’m frustrated. I have attempted to get in contact with a handful of respectful females that I know I can count on to help me appropriately work through my problems.

No one is answering.

It’s late.

But I’m OK.

It’s not hidden that I have anxiety.

I will talk it out.

At the end of the day, I know we are all human. We all live the best we can. Sometimes we can have conflict. Sometimes we accidentally step on boundaries because we are unsure of how to respect them.

I have been on both sides.

I can tell you that tonight, this week, the past few weeks, boundaries have been stomped on.

God, please come into my heart so I know how to manage these feelings.

Amen.

No comments on Boundary
Real surrogacy :explicit content

March 30, 2019

surrogacy in snow

I want to document this journey so that anyone out there wanting to be a surrogate can get my true story and anyone wanting to seek a surrogate for themselves can see it, also. I had started out light and fluffy but as I have begun the medicinal process, I have found there’s a not so bright and shiny side to this. I’m still one hundred percent on board and am so excited we are getting steps closer to implantation. I just want to be real for readers out there.

I suppose I will try and keep a running log of the physical changes my body is going through.

Here we go.

3.29.19-I started the birth control patch on Monday (3.25.19). I had tried birth control previously for my personal reasons but only a few times and I did not enjoy it. This is my first time using the patch. I slapped that sucker on and awaited my next move. Honestly, I felt silly that women around the world do this every day and I had, in my mind, made a big deal about it. I will wear the patch for a week at a time. The patch itched when I first put it on but forgot about it shortly after. I noticed my stomach hurt by Tuesday. I had no appetite. By Thursday I was very uncomfortable. I feel bloated. Like pms bloated. I also have been enjoying a lovely stomach issue.

It’s Friday and it’s the same. My rear end hurts and I can’t help but giggle. This is only the beginning. My body has always been sensitive to outside stimuli. I am not surprised. I suppose Vaseline will be my friend for the time being. Aside for headaches, I’m doing OK!

I start my shots Tuesday!! Don’t worry mommy and daddy. I’m preparing my body for your baby very carefully!!!

No comments on Real surrogacy :explicit content
Faith

March 27, 2019

I WAS raised in a barn

God tells us to seek refuge and strength. He promises that He is there with us in our troubles (Psalm 46:1-3).

I will find joy in everything.

This world is full of everything we don’t want. This world if full of things we want so badly but they are so far away.

The beauty of having a close relationship with God is knowing he already knows everything. I can talk to Him. Everything I’m doing right. Everything I’m doing wrong.

God loves me through everything. God loves those that hurt me and those I have hurt. I just continue praying for God to give me strength to make the next best step in the right direction. I pray for everyone to make the next best step for them. God be with me. God be with you. God be with us all.

No comments on Faith
React

March 20, 2019

love I guess

If you can’t learn how to react appropriately, is there really a change?

Ponder this for a while.

Communication is our strongest desire and our weakest skill.

Will update later.

Hi. It’s later.

If communication was fully understood at the beginning of any interaction, chaos would be minimal. When I communicate a, b, c, d, I mean those very things. Who I am speaking to can hear something different, or maybe they don’t appreciate the seriousness of your communication.

Did you ponder like I mentioned earlier?

I did.

So how do we get someone else to understand our communication? We can’t. We cannot control anyone else. All we can do is work harder at learning to communicate what we feel more appropriately.

Reacting can be a response to when our communication fails.

That’s also something we cannot control in others but we must control ourselves.

If you need to walk away…. Take a breather…. Drive down the road….go to God….. Scream into a pillow….. Do that.

We cannot take reactions back. Once they are out in the universe, that’s it. If you put negative out, you’re responsible for it. You’re responsible for the pain you caused and the scar that comes with it.

I don’t say this to strike fear but for us all to understand the severity of damaging others and ourselves. We are all born as clean slates. Our experiences in this world are written all over us. Don’t be the reason someone else’s slate is shattered.

Protect yourself from instances where your slate will be damaged.

That’s a lot. I know.

This is me. This is my process. I share what I’ve learned as I learn it. TRY to learn it.

No comments on React
Friends

March 20, 2019

I WAS raised in a barn

I have lost some, what I thought were, important friends, close to family, in the last couple years. I find myself thinking of the bond we had. I’ve had sisters and even a couple brothers, in my life fall away. I don’t understand a lot of it. It has me with my guard extremely high. I’ve asked God to sharpen my understanding of friendship. I’m asking God to surround me with only appropriate healthy relationships with people who are true. I need positive people in my life. I need honesty and respect.

My children deserve it as well.

No comments on Friends
Real

March 19, 2019

surrogacy in snow

The medication has been ordered. It will be shipped to my door.

Wow. Talk about service.

This just got real folks.

I think I’ve said that for every step of this process.

I can’t stand needles. I have never been able to manage it. From the time I was a little girl to the time last week my blood was drawn. But that is why I’m that much more excited to do this for this couple. Every needle that gets jabbed into my fatty muscle means one step closer for my couple to have their dream.

I accidentally Internet searched IVF because I had a question about night time shots.

BAD IDEA FOLKS!!

It overwhelmed me slightly. But at the end of the day God’s got me through this. I don’t need a man for support. I don’t need a huge support of friends. I have a family. I have my “baby mama”. I have the “knowing” this gift is about to be a reality.

I am so ready for this. The shots are only a small part of it. I will make it through the shots and I will be implanted. I will pray all day every day for the baby to grow in my womb.

God knows us even before the womb. So God already knows these babies.

How beautiful is that?

Tata for now! 💜

No comments on Real
You’re putting that where?

March 15, 2019

surrogacy in snow

3.14.19. 830am

I arrive at the doctor’s office early. I try so hard to be on time and early when possible, anywhere I go.

I’m starting the actual process of being a surrogate. We’ve talked, we’ve planned, we’ve discussed. Now it’s time for the real deal. Elbow grease and physical work. They draw my blood first. Not quite sure why. I’m not good at asking questions. I go back into the lobby and wait to be called. I have the worst outfit on for the event. A jumpsuit. The doctor calls me back.

There they are. The stirrups of shame. No one likes the stirrups. But we get hiked up anyway. She says, in my own words of course, use this piece of large papered blanket to cover up your down south lady spot. I said well, this is a one piece, I have court today. She said um I will get you a gown. She brings me a gown that is so unattractive and she laughs about the appearance. Like I’m going to get a hot date while I’m there. Anyway. She leaves me to undress and returns.

She assures me it won’t hurt. She just has to put this doodad in this area. Wwhhooaaaaa

I tell her it’s been a long time since I had sex so hopefully everything goes in well (in my mind I’m thinking, I hope she can get around the cobwebs.) She has a student with her so she’s explaining the process to her. I crack jokes. It’s what I do. We laugh about dating and the pool that’s available. It’s an epedimic.

Anyway.

She “scratches” my uterus, which I later find out is awfully uncomfortable for way longer than expected. She releases a syringe of water to make sure my lining is OK. She says everything looks great and of course I have to joke about putting “pristine uterus” on a dating profile. She’s excited. I’m excited. My couple is excited. I should have an embryo planted by May 1 if all goes well. She leaves the room and I put my clothes back on and leave.

Here we go!! It. Just. Got. Real. 😊

No comments on You’re putting that where?