• Bebe and Abbie

    March 12, 2019
    surrogacy in snow
    Bebe and Abbie

    3.11.19. The babies have been picked out. The embryo surrogate gave two babes. 3bb and 3aa. Future mama has named them Bebe and Abbie. I love her cleverness.

    I don’t fully know what this choice means. But I know when an egg and sperm are taken, they join in a dish. They do their thing and poof, an embryo. This occurred 8 times. They grade the embryos. The embryos are frozen.

    ….. They wait….

    Bebe and Abbie are in separate straws. We will only implant one at a time. I pray there is a success the first time but if not, there will be another straw and another process to try again.

    I will start my diagnostic testing this week.

    Please pray for these embryos to be strong. Please pray for my uterus to be healthy and embrace this beautiful gift.

    Thank you all for being part of this journey with me.

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  • Socially tired

    March 11, 2019
    work smart not hard. said no social worker ever.

    Social work. When your clients are family members. All whom are dysfunctional. It’s your job to rehabilitate all of these family members. You have little resources and even smaller amounts of time. And everyone else in your family judges how you do it. You leave your “family” (job) for the day but you really don’t. Your dysfunctional family members are still making choices to hurt themselves and others off your work clock. This is why social workers burn out without careful planning. Having a family of that size and they are all your responsibility. That wears on a social worker.

    Crossroads are dangerous when you are tired. Trying to beware and be mindful.

    2 comments on Socially tired
  • Wifey material or never

    March 11, 2019
    Jesus is my man, love I guess

    I dream of being a wife. I dream of trying my best to please my husband. Never being perfect but being perfectly in love forever with my person. I have a high sex drive. I enjoy turning my man on. I believe in home cooked meals. I’m not a slob.

    I was a wife for years. I tried so hard. But I tried so hard with the wrong person and in the wrong mindset. I also was young. I feel I have so much more to offer now. So much more understanding of who I am and what I am supposed to be.

    I imagine a marriage that works things out appropriately. I imagine disagreeing and being ok. Raising our children in a healthy environment so they can see what a healthy relationship looks like.

    My spouse and I would watch nerd shows about space and history. My spouse would read to me. We would read separately. We would research history. History of life and history of God. We would enjoy small groups together. We would enjoy devotions together joyfully. We would be best friends. We would have our separate time. We would come back together and be so excited to be in each other’s presence again.

    We would work on our cars together. We would clean together. We would tag team all the hardships of life. The loneliness would be gone. Cold shoulders would be caused from sitting in a hot tub out in the middle of the cold winter NOT for demeaning purposes.

    We would embrace trust in every way. I would not let this outside world come into our safe zone. I would understand my spouses heart and he, mine. We would be able to socially manage life and enjoy our alone time together, also.

    We would know we were different but the love we have would overcome all.

    And if I don’t ever have the opportunity to be a wife again, I will understand deeper than I ever have before.

    5 comments on Wifey material or never
  • Just dating Jesus

    March 10, 2019
    Jesus is my man, love I guess
    Just dating Jesus

    Months ago I made a promise. I had felt it for a couple years but I wasn’t strong enough to fulfill just what I had felt in my heart.

    I promised God to focus only on Him. It has been a daily struggle as this world does not care about promises. I have found myself fighting off so much but every time I did, I felt God was shining on me and I DO feel God showing me love through this.

    I have made a promise to God. No, I’m not a 13 year old girl whose parents have created this promise for my safety. I’m 32. And I have promised to not allow myself to get lost in anything or anyone. I promise to work on my finances and my goals I have set forth for myself. I have promised to abstain from sex and dating(I will be going into details on this at a later time) .

    I have been chastised for this but that is just another fight I’m willing to have. That’s how much this means to me. I pray all day every day. I ask God to come into my heart and work on His will.

    I had a desire to buy myself a ring. Not to show off anything but as a symbol of my seriousness. I prayed on what to do because like I said, I have been working on my finances and did not want to make the wrong choice. My son and I went to a jewelry store. I asked the attendant if he had a cross ring. He looked at me funny and said he didn’t think so. I felt such a strong pull. I stood there in silence. He stared at me. I stared at him with my sons hand in my hand. I can’t explain it. Then he said wait…. And went behind the counter and dug to the bottom of the cabinet away from all the light and sparkle. He pulled it out. I knew it was the one. He said it was the only one they had and they had had it for a while. I put it on. I had no doubt in my mind. This was a reward. A blessing. I told him I would take it. He asked to put it in a box but I was so proud I said no thank you. I purchased the ring and I’ve worn it ever since.

    An accidental side note. My children have witnessed this transformation. They are proud of me. Of course I did not go into any physical details but I did explain to them the importance of (watch out now, this Christian is about to say the cliche phrase) guarding your heart and how God wants us to seek Him so deeply that a spouse will TRULY have to seek Him also to find them. They’ve witnessed too much of my heartbreak and experienced heart break of their own. They’re healing as I heal. They’re growing as I grow.

    I will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

    God bless you all.

    2 comments on Just dating Jesus
  • Doing what’s right?

    March 10, 2019
    I WAS raised in a barn

    It’s overwhelming to realize you are doing something wrong. Unless you are a complete jerk, you genuinely think you’re doing something right…..Until you don’t.

    I’m a giver. But I heard tonight from something I was watching that if you aren’t listening to God then you may be giving wrong. The example used was if you gave someone something but God wanted the person behind you to be blessed and bless by giving that same thing away, you took their blessing away. Wow. Powerful.

    We have to listen to God. In all things. We have to accept that God is right and sometimes we aren’t.

    Proverbs 21:2 says that we may think we are right but God examines our hearts.

    God, come into my heart and examine it. Help me to listen to Your will and not do anything out of selfish reasons.

    Help me to accomplish the big plans I have for my future and do it ONLY under Your will.

    Amen.

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  • Take yourself out

    March 5, 2019
    I WAS raised in a barn
    Take yourself out

    I decided to do a thing. A big thing.

    I took myself on a romantic weekend getaway.

    Alone.

    I have been working so hard on becoming ok with me.

    I had spent my entire life not liking me. And trying to find a relationship when you don’t like me never works out.

    I have grown to love me.

    This trip was my reward.

    God has spoken so heavily on my heart to fall into His arms. God has shown me what true real love is. I love love and I love me.

    I drove almost 5 hours, backroads most of the way, from Alabama to Georgia.

    I enjoyed the views of the Ocoee River

    I got to my hotel in Helen, Georgia Friday early evening. I unpacked my ridiculous amount of clothes onto one of the double full beds. I spent 2 hours getting ready because I could. It was pouring down rain. I walked to a local German restaurant. Upstairs there was said to be a polka band playing for the Fasching weekend (German Mardi Gra). I was blown away. A man with chin length brown hair and business slacks started jammin on his acordian. With a man playing a saxophone to his right and a man on electric guitar on his left. A man playing the drums behind him. What have I gotten myself into?

    THE ALEX MEIXNER BAND!!

    I fell in love. The band taught the small tavern crowd the songs. Most everyone knew the songs. I clapped along. I love music. It soothes my soul. I listened to them all night long.

    20190216_234016.mp4

    20190216_234016.mp4

    I was asked to dance by a “prince of Fasching”.

    I gladly obliged. We danced for hours. The band played their last song and I bee bopped back to the hotel. It was raining on the way home but I didn’t feel it.

    It took me way longer than expected to get out of bed the following day. My calves were sore. My head pounded. Still such a wonderful treat to be here I was. I got myself together and set off to find nature. I drove to Unicoi State Park. I heard there was some falls that were breathtaking and I was determined to find them. I got to the park right after the falls closed for the day. I continued on to venture in the park to find peace. There was a playground beside soem running water. There were families grilling and watching the water crash on the rocks.I sat down beside the water and read.

    A time later I decided to pack up and explore Helen.

    What an adorable town tucked away in the mountains. I love it and will be returning.

    I had authentic German meals. I met the owner of the Ol Heidelberg. The best German restaurant owned by one of the kindest Mexican fellas!

    The Fasching Festival was on the agenda for the evening. This was the main event of the town.

    I’m not going to lie. It was a bit langweilig, or the English folk say boring. I didn’t la t too long before I headed back to the polka band!! I had become a fan. Quick.

    We sang and danced the night away. I knew the songs this time.

    Another night ended. A completely satisfied customer to this German hidden world.

    I woke up at a decent time Sunday morning. I had breakfast and I set out on foot. It was raining but not too bad. I wandered about the town. I’m not a shopper but if you are, there are so many shoppes. There was live music and people watching everywhere. I explored but was determined to make it to the falls.

    I did it. I made it.

    And of course the pictures don’t do it justice.

    The trek up was slightly painful, as I was sore from the polka dancing the previous nights, but well worth it. I enjoyed watching everyone taking pictures of each other and the falls. I offered to take pictures for everyone to enjoy.

    I walked back and the bottom fell. I was soaked. But it was a happy soaked.

    I got to my truck and set off for more German delights. I found a restaurant overlooking park of the creek. It was delightful and cozy and too early for the lunch rush. My server offered me a personal heater to warm up and dry with. I sat at the bar and enjoyed a heifen weizen and listened to live music. It wasn’t Germna but it was perfect for a rainy afternoon. The woman’s voice was comfortable. The man’s hands were savvy.

    Snapchat-204973793.mp4

    Snapchat-204973793.mp4

    I met a man there, Christian Jones, who was about to play at a winery about 20 minutes out. He invited me to join. I had never been to a winery before.
    I finished my lunch and went back to the hotel to clean up. I found the winery and I’ll be gonest, I was so nervous to go in I almost missed out. You see, throughout this whole trip, I was alone. No one to chat with. No one to break the uncomfortable moments. But I buckled down and went in. Serenity Sellars.

    I sat and sipped some wine straight from the fields I had seen on the way in. I listened to him play his acoustic guitar and sang along to every song because, well, I love music.

    Snapchat-2054843640.mp4

    Snapchat-2054843640.mp4

    It was spectacular. I met a gal who was so pleasant. She made me get up and dance with her. She and her mom were on a girl’s trip. She was from Texas. Such a lovely lady.

    I left just in time to make it to the evening church service of Andy Stanley. His sermon was on money and the control it has over us and how we are to control our money. It was powerful. I hadn’t expected any less.

    After the service it was Michael Buble time!!! He had a sold out concert and I had a to let burning a hole in my pocket. I have loved his genre of music since I had learned to Frank Sinatra was.

    Buble was fun to look at and even better to hear. He is so personable. His tour was LOVE. His songs were love songs. His chorus was on point. Such a magnificent time. I made friends with a lady sitting beside me. We shared facts of Bubles life in between songs. We melted when we just knew he was singing to us. His voice is powerful and I would love to see him again!

    I made it back in time to see the last few songs of The Alex Meixner band. It was their last night. They thanked me for coming out all weekend and told me to come back in May. I want to and hope it works out that I can. I got a DVD to share with my son and a few t shirts and tattoos for the kids and went on my merry way.

    I crawled into bed with a mind full of success, knowing I had a satisfactory time on my trip.

    I woek up the next day, enjoyed a peaceful breakfast, packed up and gave Helen, Georgia a good ol German Auf Wiedersehen (goodbye)!!

    I drove all the way home trying to ignore the sickness that was upon me. I had had too amazing of a weekend to have it ruined by the flu. I spent the next two weeks praying for a miracle but it was absolutely worth it.

    If you are in a stagnant place in your life, save up, take the trip. You won’t regret it. I saved for 6 months and it was the time of my life. The experience was healing. More importantly I didn’t have the regret of debt hanging over my head when it was over. God has been so good to me and I will be forever grateful for this experience.

    Until next time!!

    3 comments on Take yourself out
  • A forever love

    March 5, 2019
    I WAS raised in a barn

    My grandparents just shared a story with me of their marriage………

    I’m in love.

    My grandfather was in the military stationed up North. My grandmother was living in Ohio. The decided to meet at a Chigaco bus stop. 13th street. Little did they know there were se eral. There weren’t cell phones then. They just so happen to both stop at the right one. They got married there in Chicago. With one person as a witness. They spent the weekend and went their separate ways. They’ve been married 60-sum years……….. God love them!!! What a beautiful story. An engineer and an artist. Two ends of the spectrum. Making it work for love.

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  • Signed sealed delivered

    March 5, 2019
    surrogacy in snow
    Signed sealed delivered

    3.4.19. I signed the final contract. It’s official. I’m going to be a vessel of hope. I’m going to give the gift of a bigger family. I’m going to give a baby to a mom and dad who are unable to do it themselves. I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I just want to have the healthiest baby I can. I want to have a good pregnancy. I want to be able to give the baby over appropriately when the time comes.

    The clinic is giving an estimated May date for pregnancy. I will go through some hormone shots and prepping my uterus will take a few weeks, also. I’m going to be a mom. Without the mom part.

    I pray for this unborn child.

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  • Beauty in all

    February 12, 2019
    I WAS raised in a barn

    It never goes away. You never “get over it”. The open wounds, they scar. But they can bust open at any minute. It’s a silent pain that no one can see. It’s loud though. You can be minding your own business, living life the best you know how and OUT OF NOWHERE, an awful image or memory or thought, crosses your mind. I often wonder how my life would be different without the infection of my past that fills my brain.

    Recovery is beautiful though. Learning to accept what was but understanding that embracing what IS is more important.

    Don’t live life as a victim. Don’t allow what happened to you consume who you are meant to be. You had no control over what happened. You DO have control over who you will be now. Use the pain as a fire. Become someone. Help others.

    Don’t waste what happened to you. It happened. Now how can you use it for good? Beautiful things come from ashes.

    Be. A. Beautiful. Thing.

    2 comments on Beauty in all
  • Assistance to assisting

    February 11, 2019
    work smart not hard. said no social worker ever.

    Who I am now didn’t happen overnight( and still working on it daily). It wasn’t an easy road. This happened over many situations.

    Here I was needing help from the government. Using WIC (women’s infant and children) to supplement a small amount of groceries monthly, discovering that no matter what, I was going to be treated like dirt at the heart of my seeking assistance.

    I remember sitting in the office of the local health department after an embarrassing low of asking for assistance to support me and my child. I sat there being looked down on by the worker. She was irritated to be at work. She was irritated that I couldn’t give exact information on his father’s income. She didn’t know I was in my second semester of college and I had made a determination that I was going to be someone someday. This woman acted as if I chose to be there. My choices DEFINITELY landed me here. But I didn’t want this life. For me or my baby. I was trying my best to dig myself out. Everything she did and everything she said to me, she wanted me to know I was wasting her time and so was everyone else she had to deal with in her day. It hurt me. I even called to make a complaint although I know it didn’t go far.

    Every few months I had to come in for a redetermination. Every few months I dreaded it. I couldn’t continue to take this.

    This day I decided to find my place in this line of work. I decided I would try my best to show people respect no matter the circumstances. I wanted to be a fresh face someone saw when they were at their lowest point.

    Fast forward 5 years. I got my degree (by the grace of God) . Then I got another degree (still shouting God’s grace) . Then I faithfully applied to DHR. I got an interview. I got an acceptance letter (Amen) . I accepted the job.

    My first day on the job was nerve wrecking. I had worked so hard to get to this place. Here I was. My anxiety was high. The place was new. It was different. I tried my very best to be uplifting and positive. I tried to listen to anything I was told. I got settled into my office. I had an office y’all!!!

    And then…..

    I met the woman that was so negative toward me the day I chose my future. She was a kind lady. She was very helpful to me, being that I was “the new girl”. I mentioned that I had needed assistance years ago and remembered her. She didn’t remember me. I felt it was best not to go further with the story.

    To this day she is a good Co-worker. We get along well.

    She has no idea how she was fuel to my already burning fire to make a change in this life.

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Learning to live in this world through HOPE

Love. Grace. Mercy.

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