Learning to live in this world through HOPE

Whose fault are they!?

April 16, 2018

I WAS raised in a barn, work smart not hard. said no social worker ever.

Society is so worried about pointing a finger at the cause of chaos and violence. Stop pointing your finger and look in the mirror.

Are we teaching our children to be dependent on another being? What about highlighting drinking as a cool way to manage stress? Children consume themselves in technology and parents don’t stop it?

Children forget how to connect with others and grow up to be secluded and incompetent. They don’t know how to manage feelings correctly. They grow up and ruin friendships and relationships until they can’t take it and turn to violence. Violence on others or themselves.

Enter stage left: Me. To clean up society’s bad choices that have now involved and inflicted harm on children.

The. Cycle. Continues.

No comments on Whose fault are they!?
Structure

April 16, 2018

work smart not hard. said no social worker ever.

I’m sitting here at a supervised visitation. These kids have done nothing but cause mass chaos in the two hours I have been here. The parents verbally get onto them but never follow through on a time out or remove the problem item or any other threats that are given. These children don’t say please or thank you. They don’t say yes or no ma’am. They scream and point instead of using their words. They lash out irrationally. They hurt each other. They hurt themselves.

The parents are half mentally checked out. They have no structure to behave themselves; how do I expect them to parent little thems?

The parents themselves grew up in chaos. They don’t know what anything but dysfunction looks like. I don’t expect them to live like “normal”. I just want safe. I want stable. The children deserve safe and stable.

So how do we get from one extreme to just decent? These parents are exhausted from their life’s choices that brought me here. The children are consumed by crazy being the norm.

Get sober. Get stable. Survive. Then Thrive.

Find positive support. Find somewhere to plug in. Find a better you to be. No one else can do anything for you if you don’t want to do anything for yourself.

No comments on Structure
6 leaf clover on Friday 13th

April 14, 2018

I WAS raised in a barn

I don’t know if I should laugh, cry, scream for help or go buy a lottery ticket. I’ve NEVER found a 4 leaf clover. I’ve searched all of my 31 years. And today. Right this moment. I FOUND A SIX LEAF CLOVER!!!! Stand back, people. I may get struck down by lightning but so worth it!!!!!!!

No comments on 6 leaf clover on Friday 13th
Beauty is free

April 12, 2018

I WAS raised in a barn

I work at a very high stress job with a high turn around and sad, depressing and infuriating situations. It takes a specific type of person. A specific personality. Even then, your knees will get sore from constant prayer. I struggle sometimes. Its hard to talk about my job, especially when folks don’t understand it. I absolutely know without a doubt, I’m in the field I am supposed to be in. On those hard days,though, when I’m just not quite sure how to feel, on my way home from work, I see this. This is a couple hundred yards away from my house. Instantly, there’s a certain peace in my heart. Even through the chaos, I have to find serenity. I find it here. Home. If no one is behind me and I can see clearly in both directions, I pause. I pray. I am blessed. I am thankful. Thank you God for making beauty natural.

No comments on Beauty is free
The tough stuff…Part 1

April 10, 2018

Sober isn’t always sunshine. But living is ALWAYS beautiful

Here I go.

I am 10 years sober from everything. Sober not just from substances. Sober from being lost. Sober from feeling utterly unwanted. Sober from being disgusted in my own skin. Sober from being completely consumed in ick. Sober from decisions that hurt others deeply.

I can’t exactly remember when I started using. I have never been great at remembering my past. I’m not quite sure if it’s the drugs or that I just don’t want to remember. I grew up in a decent home. I grew up with a nasty secret that wasn’t just my own. I learned shame at an early age and I had no one to talk to about it besides a few choice friends that didn’t know how to help me. I lived a double life. During the day, life was normal. There were family struggles but we survived. At night, my life was not my own. I became part of a movie I watched outside of my body. The goodies for bribing were my favorite part about the nights. I didn’t sleep a lot. Several years later, the movie stopped. I can’t remember why? I believe it had something to do with giving my life to Christ. I had such a hard time with friends. I had some great friends but I was so uncomfortable in my own body and mind, it was hard to know how to be a friend; how to be friendly in an appropriate way. I was a late bloomer, too. I didn’t hit 4 feet until 7th grade. I didn’t get boobies until I was probably 17. No guys were interested in me and that was probably a good thing. I wouldn’t have known what to do if they were. I remember all of my friends during this age were all getting boyfriends, making long lasting friendships. I, for some reason, was slipping into a secluded life,surrounded by people, downward spiral. I even made the cheerleading team. I was tiny, they would be crazy not to add me for top-of-the-pyramid purposes. That, still, didn’t help my inward turmoil.

I remember going through several pregnancy scares with my friends. I had never had a boyfriend. It was a strange world for me. They all went on double dates. Sometimes I tagged along, mostly I attached myself to marijuana and alcohol. Again, I don’t remember details of how it all came to be. Then I branched out. I thought it made me feel involved. I learned how to roll joints, blunts, pack a bowl, drink everyone under the table, do the most incredibly stupid things, etc. I was a good business owner. I was cool. I learned that alcohol blocked the dark within me. I was wide open. I didn’t turn down any party favors at this point. Anything was fair game. And when I say anything, I mean everything.

LIFE. WAS. GOOD.

I began going to parties. I began wearing a little bit less. I began getting the attention of fellas. WHOOEEEE this is what it was all about. I had my first boyfriend. Later, I would find out that he had gotten a local gal pregnant while we were together. He chose not to tell me and to not be a part of that baby’s life. He’s now a sex offender locked up somewhere for revocation and he is far from my life (God saves, even when you’re stupid). I began a strange life of lows I never realized until I was out of it. I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was. I had a guy that would be interested but you know…..they were never interested enough to take this gal on a date. I had a bad habit of being interested in bad guys. I had ZERO understanding of love.

Fast forward…………I decided I would move out of my parents house at 17. I quit school my senior year because I was having way too much fun to sit in a school desk all day. I disrespected several teachers who genuinely cared about me and my success (making amends hit hard with two specific teachers, S.D and T. R). I lived with several other lost folks. We all were so blind to what life had for us if we would just accept the good and leave the bad. I got so consumed in this life I thought I had to have I didn’t realize that I had dove down a horrible path that would end up leaving plenty dead.

A few friends and I thought Limestone County wasn’t big enough for us and we took off to Nashville, TN. 17 years old, no parental supervision and in a big city.

What could go wrong??

Everything. The answer is EVERYTHING.

No comments on The tough stuff…Part 1
Psalm 25

April 10, 2018

I WAS raised in a barn

Because my HOPE is in You. This scripture soothes my soul. This is the prayer I pray to God. One of many many many daily, minute, second, prayers. I hope someone out there reads this at just the right time. I hope you know you are loved by our one true God. He made you. He said YOU. YOU are good enough. He sees through all the junk. He loves you.

Psalm 25.

In you, Lord my God,
I put my trust.

²I trust in you;
do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.
³No one who hopes in you
will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
who are treacherous without cause.

⁴Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
⁵Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
⁶Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
⁷Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you, Lord, are good.

teach me your paths.
⁵Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.
⁶Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
⁷Do not remember the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you, Lord, are good.

⁸Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
⁹He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
¹⁰All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful
toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
¹¹For the sake of your name, Lord,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

¹²Who, then, are those who fear theLord?
He will instruct them in the waysthey should choose.
¹³They will spend their days in prosperity,
and their descendants will inherit the land.
¹⁴The Lord confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.
¹⁵My eyes are ever on the Lord,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

he makes his covenant known to them.
¹⁵My eyes are ever on the Lord,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

¹⁶Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
¹⁷Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
¹⁸Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
¹⁹See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!
¹⁷Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
¹⁸Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
¹⁹See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!

for I am lonely and afflicted.
¹⁷Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
¹⁸Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
¹⁹See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!
¹⁷Relieve the troubles of my heart
and free me from my anguish.
¹⁸Look on my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
¹⁹See how numerous are my enemies
and how fiercely they hate me!

²⁰Guard my life and rescue me;
do not let me be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
²¹May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope, Lord,is in you.

²²Deliver Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

No comments on Psalm 25
Love

April 10, 2018

I WAS raised in a barn

Corinthians 13:4-8 New International Version (NIV)

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Lord, I ask you to come into my heart and dig out all the ick and help me love like you do.

Amen.

No comments on Love
Insecurities. Icky. wow

April 9, 2018

I WAS raised in a barn

If you don’t have the Sprinkle of Jesus app. Get it. Wow. Daily slaps to the face. Thank you so much. Always needed.

We can only be responsible for ourselves. We can’t control what anyone else says or does. We can’t even control ourselves at times. Although we want to. I struggle with how people feel about me. I struggle with how I feel about people. But one thing I have learned (well, still learning) is to survive in this world, you must accept criticism. Use it for your benefit. If you don’t, it will eat you alive.

Someone says something to me and it hits me in my gut. I have two choices. Appreciate and respect what is said and use it to become better….. Or………. Lash out and diarrhea mouth all of my insecurities from past experiences.

Check this one out:

No comments on Insecurities. Icky. wow
I miss you, little ones.

April 8, 2018

My kids told me they HATE me. awe. I AM doing it right.

It’s quiet in the house. Q. U. I. E. T. Not sure when the last time I heard the silence of quiet. My fella worked. His two, at their moms. My two, at their dads. Here I am.

I woke up. Went to work. Got my hair cut. Came home. Trimmed all the trees in my yard with the coolest cherry picker tool ever (thanks gpa). Dragged some limbs to the fire pile. Came in because in April, there’s frost warnings. 🤔💨❄️Cleaned the house. Cleaned all the dog hair, only to watch the dogs leave more behind🐕. Made food. Ate food. Watched some of “my shows”. Did tiny laundry. Decided to soak in some Epsom salt. Then BAM. I look over and see a basket full of toys. My Littles play with them when they bathe, for what seems like hours. Those of you with split families know what I’m talking about. You start the time off excited to get things done. Glad that they have family that love them. As the time progresses, though…… I remember their hands. I remember their voices. I start to imagine what they are doing at their dads. I hope they are having a good time. Snuggling and laughing. Just a couple more days. I will get them back. I will be tickled pink. Then they will start to argue about how the popcorn gets butter on it inside of the bag as it cooks 😊🤔😋 y’all feel me?!!!?? I miss you, little ones. Mommy loves you.

No comments on I miss you, little ones.
Fear, you jerk.

April 7, 2018

I WAS raised in a barn

There is no such thing as knowledge of what will happen in the future. You can imagine a future that is full of awful things. But it still lives in the imagination. Fear is not real. It’s our mind saying, nothing good or something bad can happen in this situation. Beware. Panic. Stress.

Even in a plane crash. You’re going down. The pilot has lost all control of the plane 20,000 feet up. As the entire plane goes up in chaos, people crying, screaming, praying, POOF, the rapture happens and not one person felt any pain. See. You don’t know what the future holds.

Does that stop me? Why naw!

I can tell you, my personal fear comes from failed attempts in the past or what I have seen in other’s lives.

I don’t like fear. It causes mass unnecessary anxiety. And guess what that does, causes more fear. I want peace. I must choose peace; at every turn. I must try to surround myself with peace.

We have to be fully accepting of life as it is. It is what it is. Simple but true.

He cheated? Ok. But this next one may not. And if they do, no amount of controlling or stress will stop it from happening. Got into a car wreck, lost a limb? OK. That sucks. I can’t imagine. But you still have your life and you may NEVER get into another accident again. Maybe you will. No amount of fear will control that outcome either. Get out there. Trust. Trust in your faith that things will work out. And if they don’t, work around it (I say this to myself in the mirror, praying that I can do just what I say).

No comments on Fear, you jerk.