Learning to live in this world through HOPE

Alone but not lonely

February 11, 2019

love I guess, Sober isn’t always sunshine. But living is ALWAYS beautiful

God bless me.

I’m sitting in church. My children left for children’s church. I’m completely alone. I am the only one in the pugh. And I’m ever so comfortable. And it’s all because of God and His love for me. I used to have such anxiety because I had a spouse that was miserable to be there. Then it turned into I didn’t have a spouse to hold my hand. How beautiful God is to calm my soul.

God has worked a miracle in my life. I sing the songs to praise His love loud and proud. I sway back and forth. I smile and tap to the beat. I don’t feel an emmense pain in my chest. I feel a glow of God. It beams off me.

God is so good to me.

God has loved me when I am unlovable.

God is working on me daily!!!

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Baby

January 31, 2019

love I guess

Baby I want you.

But I want sanity more.

I don’t know what I’m doing right now. So I need you to stay away.

I’ve got things going on. I can’t explain most of them. But what I do know is I need to be right where I am.

Away from you. Away from it all.

Baby I want you.

But I want my sanity more.

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Dreaming of incarceration

January 26, 2019

police life dispatching

My heart and soul are behind bars.

I have worked in law enforcement for 7 years. I always wanted to be on patrol but incidents that affected my physical abilities altered my journey. I have worked in dispatch since 2013 and in the jail when I was able. I see these inmates. They’re clean for the first time in a long time. They have nothing to do but sit and think about all their troubles and what choices they made and the consequences that follow.

Take advantage of these people being contained behind bars. Take advantage of them being sober. Embrace this environment and impose healing and help the inmates gain a plan for when they get out.

Set them up with homework to improve their self awareness. Give them resources to help them stay sober when they leave. Assist in understanding parenting skills. Give them manuals to understand job tasks. Give them a fighting chance to be able to improve their livelihood when they leave.

I WILL do this.

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Surrogacy appointment #1

January 10, 2019

surrogacy in snow

January 3, 2019.

Mama and daddy picked me up from work so we would have time to chat before the appointment. We’ve known each other for years but we have not had a lot of personal contact. I’ve watched the couple go through so much in their journey of parenthood but that is their story to tell.

This is mine.

We hit traffic on the way there from roadwork on the interstate. We ran into closed roads. We got tickled talking about confusing downtown traffic and one way streets. We found the fertility clinic. Finally!!

We spent a time filling out paperwork then we waited. The doctor was ready for us and we went back.

Mom and dad shared their story. Doctor dis used the process with them. They shared a question and answer time. I’m so proud of mom. She’s researched so much. She’s serious and we know it. Doctor looked to me and asked me if I was good? Did I have any questions?

I did not. I told him I’m along for the ride. I’m honored to be able to help this couple. I’m blessed to give the gift of life.

Let’s do this.

He will not see us again until a legal contract is completed. Ok. Fair enough doc. See you soon.

🤗🤰🏿

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Surrogate beginnings

December 28, 2018

surrogacy in snow

I have desired to be a surrogate for years. I felt the pull after my son was was born because parenthood is so beautiful. I felt it heavily when a close friend of mine lost her newborn child. She ended up being able to birth a child and didn’t need my womb. My best friend was struggling with getting pregnant for years and I offered the option to her but they ended up getting divorced.

Here I am. 32 years old. A church friend of mine has gone through such a long draining emotional process of foster/adoption, ending in a very painful removal of an infant shortly after receiving the child. She had made it known she and her husband had decided on surrogacy with a donor embryo. I jumped at the opportunity. I told her I wanted to pray for a time and ask God to press in my heart what to do. I felt completely accepting to the ability to gift them a child. I asked several close friends and family and decided on yes.

This is huge.

Please respond with replies of support, disagreeance, thoughts and please oh please, if you’ve been a surrogate, get with me!!!

Let the journey begin!

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Just a rub

December 16, 2018

love I guess

I just want a back rub. I want a person’s touch on my body. I want to feel a release of this stress I’m holding so tightly to. I want to cuddle. I want to spoon. I want intimacy. I want comfort. I want security.

But I don’t want it with just anyone. And I don’t want it without God.

I don’t want someone to tell me why I’m doing or not doing something the right way. I want this world to understand something it more than likely never will. I want an understanding of where I am in life and what I’m trying to accomplish.

I’ve heard it before and I will pass it along. Being with no one is so much better than being with the wrong one.

Life is about time. We have all the time but yet our time is always disappearing. I want my time to be appropriate. I want what’s right.

I don’t know what that means right now. But I know I don’t want to move.

God please keep this true to my heart.

Amen.

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Pmddont

October 30, 2018

I WAS raised in a barn

Ahhhhhh

Woman.

So many things.

Beautiful. Maternal. Successful. Gentle. Loving. Many more things.

But what do we hide?

You know. The monster inside. Scraping our walls to get out. The tornado inside our bodies, twisting and turning and causing chaos. Dissecting every thought in our mind. Dissecting every intention in anyone else’s.

I’ve cried 4 separate times today. Once over the pains of my job. Once when I was talking to my grandmother about my sweet and wonderful deceased great grandmother. Once because I wondered what the point of life was. Once when I watched a video about a girl and her dog. I haven’t cried in a month. And will cry again in a month exactly.

I’ve not been able to sleep normal for a week. I’ve desired the touch of a man and decided all men are evil.

I’ve determined my life is empty and I’ve determined I can’t keep going on like I have been.

I feel a deep, dark, depression. It’s cold and lonely here. It’s confusing. I fight the urge to ruin everything I’ve worked for. Quit my job. Run away. From everything.

And in 2 weeks it will all go away.

And in 2 more weeks, it will all begin again.

PMDD. It’s real. It’s here. And I’m sorry if you struggle.

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Lonely road

October 11, 2018

love I guess

Perspective-A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something. A point of view.

I find myself in deep thought. Am I too much? I’m not good enough? I will be alone forever? No one can handle me?

I came from such a chaotic dysfunctional background. I lived the same life when I began life on my own. It was miserable in the end. I decided in my early 20s that I wanted a better life for myself.

For over 10 years now I have not stopped improving. I have fallen on my face more times than I can count, don’t get me wrong. But I promised myself I would always get back up.

¹²Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prizefor which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 3:12-14

I have found that some people around me don’t see who I was and how far I have come. They don’t see the passion behind my choices. What I desire out of life isn’t appreciated. They see me in a different light than I ever want to be seen in.

I honestly do not want my way. My way can be unhealthy and disrespectful. I am human. I live in sin. Which is why everything I try to do comes from the Bible I solely base my life on.

I do not want to be a part of chaos. I don’t want to be a part of unhealthy. I don’t want those I care about to be either.

Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man,

Proverbs 22:24

I have learned boundaries where I never had them before.

Here I am, working all these jobs and going to school and trying to balance my life with little help. I find myself in frustrating situations where people expect so much more from me than I can give right now. People expect me to be perfect and completely able to handle situations. I can not. I just want to be understood. I want peace.

I will find peace through my Lord and Savior.

Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock. …

Psalm 27:1-14

The Lord my God knows my trouble. He also knows my heart.

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The pain of loss

October 9, 2018

love I guess

Uuupppddaaatteeeee 10.10.18::: I read Jesus Calling. I try to read it in my mornings but sometimes I don’t make it. Take a look at what yesterday’s daily devotion was. Wow. Same day I wrote this complaint. God is so good to show me what I need to work on and I’m absolutely blessed for it….

I’ve lost so much. I try not to focus on it all the time. Everyone loses. That’s part of life. But lately I’ve just felt it all so hard.

I lost innocence. I lost love. I lost friendship. Sometimes tied up in one incident. Sometimes back to back.

I’ve had family I feel were lost. I’ve had friends that I thought were family to disappear.

I am surrounded by so many. But the feeling I feel is strong. I feel I’ve lost those whom I thought were closest to me.

I’m a trustworthy person. When someone constantly questions that, it’s so hard to walk away, but it becomes the only option.

I’m a person who loves to be there for someone, but when people are constantly not there for me, it hurts so much.

Lord hear my whines. Lord calm my soul.

Amen.

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Single

October 2, 2018

I WAS raised in a barn, My kids told me they HATE me. awe. I AM doing it right.

I’ve mastered a lot in my life. One thing I cannot achieve is single parenthood. No matter how hard I try, I find something I haven’t thought of, something I cannot handle.

In a nuclear family, you’re able to tag team one of the hardest jobs…. parenting. Even an option of having family around to help is close to absent in my world. It seems like every time a family member DOES decide to help, something happens and I’m unable to rely on them for one reason or another and it just causes more stress. (Let me say this, I have two grandparents that watch my kids from the time they get off the bus until I pull up and I’m absolutely grateful for the help)

I work one of two jobs in my day. I come home and instantly am needed by two little bodies. They just want to tell me about their day. Tell me their thoughts. I just want to decompress for a second. That option is off the table. These kids are good kids. They have struggles. I want to be there for them through it all. I can’t. The older they get, the more I realize this. I’m tired. I’m mentally exhausted. I have questions and no one to ask. I have thoughts and no one to be my sound board. I have no one to take over while I regain my composure. I’m me. But me is last. I just don’t want to screw my kids up. I want them to know I love them so much. I can’t do everything though.

Life is about checks and balances. Without one the other goes haywire. Peace is found when there is a balance. I’m here. One sided.

Here’s the crazy part though. I have ZERO desire to find someone right now. I put in years of effort to try and make it work and I have learned so much. But right now, I have no energy to find a relationship. I have no energy to weed through the mess to find someone that is good enough for my two children. I want to be left alone. I can’t waste any more of my children’s time. Their hearts have broken because of me and I can’t put them through that again.

Thank you for letting me share!

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